Gun jokes?

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Gun jokes?

Post by Guest on Sat 2 May 2009 - 10:42

Dunno i this is the right place to post this but...

Got any good gun jokes?

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by Nachtsider on Sat 2 May 2009 - 10:58

Two gangsters are playing cards.

Gangster #1: "Three kings and two aces! Let's see you beat that!"

Gangster #2: "I already have."

Gangster #1: "That's impossible! What beats a hand like mine?"

Gangster #2 (unholsters guns): "A pair of twos and a forty-five."


Last edited by Nachtsider on Sat 2 May 2009 - 11:06; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by Guest on Sat 2 May 2009 - 11:05

Reporter: Ummm...Staff Seargent?
Marine: Yes?
Reporter: What's the first thing you feel after taking out the enemy?
Marine: RECOIL.

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by tsundere9kagami2 on Sat 2 May 2009 - 15:34

A hunter has called 911.

Dispatcher:911 what is your emergency?

Hunter:I...I think my friend is dead! He just plopped down and died!

Dispatcher:Sir please calm down first make sure he is dead.

Hunter:Okay hold on.



*The dispatcher hears 2 distinct gunshots


Hunter:Okay now what?

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by ElfenMagix on Sat 2 May 2009 - 20:49

A redneck walks into a gunshop, and asks for the largest gun in stock. Store owner shows off a 1911 .45ACP.

Redneck: You got something bigger?

Store owner shows off a .357Mag.

Redneck: You got something bigger?

Store owner shoes off a Taurus .50 revolver.

Redneck: This I like!

Store Owner: Why do you need such a large gun?

Redneck: I'm going to use it to shoot some cans!

Store Owner: Cans? What kind of cans?!!

Redneck: Just some AfriCANS, MexiCANS, Puerto RiCANS, and... (you can just keep adding them...)

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by West Nile on Mon 4 May 2009 - 0:02

Top 10 reasons to get a Gun over getting a Woman

#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman...

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN !!!

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 4 May 2009 - 10:22

:lol!:

That one is worth .

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by Awinnell on Mon 4 May 2009 - 12:06

" Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -- General Douglas MacArthur

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by Awinnell on Mon 4 May 2009 - 12:17

i know these aren't really gun jokes but they are military !

Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally."
Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...
- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."
-Russian military doctrine.




...At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"...

"The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis."
- from a post-war debriefing of a German General

Pearl Harbour Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"
.... Said to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941.

In 1836, the Creek and Seminole Indian tribes in Georgia and Florida were waging war against the United States. The U. S. Army had its hands full. The Fifth Commandant of the Marine Corps offered the services of a regiment of Marines for duty with the Army. Henderson placed himself in command and, taking virtually the entire available strength of the Corps, left for the extended campaign after tacking a terse message on his office door which read:
"Have gone to Florida to fight Indians.
Will be back when War is over.

A. Henderson
Col. Commandant"



The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
-Italian proverb

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by Awinnell on Mon 4 May 2009 - 12:26

You Might Be A GUN NUT if........


-----you have ever loaded a drawer up with so much ammo that you can't open it


-----when someone asks how many guns you have, you have to think about it for a minute


-----you have ever bought ammo in a caliber that none of your guns fire


-----the guns you took to the range cost more then your car


-----you carry a different gun every day of the week


-----whenever you can't decide which gun to get, you get both


-----you get your wife/girlfriend to wear Hoppes 9 instead of her usual perfume.


-----you take so many guns to the range and don't shoot half of them.


-----you have an extra room in your house just for ammo and guns.


-----your home page is set to a firearms related webpage.


-----you count the number of bullets that people shoot in a movie and then scream a top of your lungs BULLSH**!!! when a guy using a revover mows down a battalion of criminals without reloading.


--- you know more about the Constitution than your lawyer.


--- your wife leaves you and you don't mind. Your dog gets run over by a truck and you barely flinch. But you accidentally drop your favorite gun, gets scratched and you cry a river.


---- if you ever thought to do your own "Gun Buy-Back" program. Let's face it, even a Saturday Night Special for a $20 Blockbuster Gift Card is a good deal.


---- if you have more holster than Imelda Marcos had shoes.


---- if you never stop looking for pre-ban hi-cap magazines... even in a supermarket.


-----if you can field strip any firearm you own hanging upside down and blindfolded


-----if you have ever bought a gun to fill an old holster someone gave you. (So many times I can no longer count 'em.)


---- if you have ever bought a gun to shoot up a half-filled 20-round box of ammo someone gave you, because you didn't have a rifle in that caliber yet. Ditto for when someone gives you an old set of reloading dies in some obscure caliber.


-----if you have ever accidentally run a pocket pistol through the wash and spin cycles, still in your pants pocket.


----- if you do not own a single fabric-based item (clothing, bags or suitcases) that does NOT set off the explosives trace detector at the airport.


-----if you have ever bought a gun that is identical to TWO you already own, because the first two are out-of-production NIB examples and you can't bring yourself to shoot them.


-----When buying something with pocket change, you have to pick the dimes and quarters out of a handful of loose ammo.


-----if you regularly find guns around the house and in far corners of the safe that you have no memory of buying ... and such discoveries no longer surprise you.


-----if you have ever busted a spring on your car from piling too much ammo in the trunk on the way to a shoot.


-----For you NFA junkies: You know the birthday of your BATF examiner, even though you can't remember your wife's.


-----if you have ever researched a firearm you own to find out the date it was manufactured ... and then thrown a birthday party for it.


-----if you go to WalMart for back-to-school supplies, then must explain to your wife why that includes 1k of 9mm Win white box.


-----if your dog is "Dog" and your cat is "Cat," but each of your guns has a name. (Well, at least the guns you're closest to -- ya know, the ones you've bonded with.)


-----when you say "Damn ! That is a sexy looking piece!", your wife knows you are not looking at another woman.


----- whenever you see a story on TV about a gator spotted in a neighborhood, you think "Crap, there goes another target of opportunity."


----- if your AR, after installing all the new gadgets, now weighs more than a FAL.


----- if any time a wheather person on TV gives the latest update on the hurricane du jour, you wonder if you have enough ammo.


---- if your hurricane panels have shooting ports.


-----if you have to have additional homeowner's insurance specifically for firearms.


-----if the cops have ever called Homeland Security after pulling you over


-----if you have ever carried more then two guns at once


-----when the local gunshop needs an obscure magazine, they call you


-----when you call your local rep's office, the guy who answers groans and says "I'll tell him again not to vote for AWB" as soon as he hears your name


-----if you have more holsters then pants


-----if the movers all groan when they see your gunsafe


-----if you spend half an hour bitching about how the good guy in the movie killed 20 badguys firing full-auto from the hip


-----if your spend another half an hour explaining how the movie would have been over in 10 minutes if any of the bad guys victims had a gun


-----if you regularly just sit and stare at your guns for a while, and the rest of your family doesn't find this strange


-----if you reach into your pocket for change at the local 7-11 and pull out loose ammo along with your change.


-----if the guy working at the 7-11 knows you and isn't surprised.


-----if you have a poster of Burt Gummer holding an 8 bore rifle. ("Guess you broke into the wrong God damn rec room, didn't ya!")


-----if you can actually take a nap in a gun range.


-----if you felt a knot in your stomach when they showed US Soldiers destroying a cache of brand spanking new AK-74 on the news.


-----if you considered that the cheaply goldplated HK MP-5 was reason enough to oust Hussein.


-----When you mount a tripod, bayonet and flash suppressor to your N.A.A. 22 MINI MAG


------If you do a complete breakdown of all your weapons just to stay in practice - "especially if you haven't made it to the range lately"


------if you find more .22LR than loose change when you clean out your car.


------if your nightstand is stacked with gun rags and firearm technical and reloading manuals.


------if you build a portable reloading system so you can reload in the family room and not miss your favorite tv-show.


----if the local SWAT teams stop by your house for guns and ammo before heading out to the big bust.

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by LoC978 on Mon 4 May 2009 - 13:38

*is guilty of sixteen of those*

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by Awinnell on Mon 4 May 2009 - 14:40

@LoC978 wrote:*is guilty of sixteen of those*

Which ones ?

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by Tommygunner70 on Mon 4 May 2009 - 20:30

@Awinnell wrote:You Might Be A GUN NUT if........

-----you count the number of bullets that people shoot in a movie and then scream a top of your lungs BULLSH**!!! when a guy using a revover mows down a battalion of criminals without reloading.

Guilty...

@Awinnell wrote:-----when you say "Damn ! That is a sexy looking piece!", your wife knows you are not looking at another woman.

Guilty as fucking hell...
But hey, I say the same thing to a good sword. Sora knows this because I honor our marriage and don't go looking at other woman.

@Awinnell wrote:-----if you have ever carried more then two guns at once

sweat

@Awinnell wrote:-----if the movers all groan when they see your gunsafe
Guilty, but mainly because even though Movers are paid move stuff; Dutch laziness will leave any Mover to groan when they see something heavy.

@Awinnell wrote:-----if you felt a knot in your stomach when they showed US Soldiers destroying a cache of brand spanking new AK-74 on the news.

Hey, if the Soldiers want to get rid of it, they might as well have given them to me Very Happy

@Awinnell wrote:-----if you regularly just sit and stare at your guns for a while, and the rest of your family doesn't find this strange
Luger P08.
It used to be my grandpa's, every time I look at the Luger, I am reminded of him...

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by ElfenMagix on Mon 4 May 2009 - 21:15

@Awinnell wrote:-----When you mount a tripod, bayonet and flash suppressor to your N.A.A. 22 MINI MAG
hmmmm...

...Yeah, I can defianately see that happening! Evil
..
.
And yes, I am guilty of a few of them myself, like napping at the gunrange!
But my former nieghbor Leon is guilty of the last one!!!

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by West Nile on Mon 4 May 2009 - 23:28

@Awinnell wrote:You Might Be A GUN NUT if........


-----when someone asks how many guns you have, you have to think about it for a minute


-----you have ever bought ammo in a caliber that none of your guns fire


not a whole case, just one .5 magnum round, it looks cool...

@Awinnell wrote:


-----you count the number of bullets that people shoot in a movie and then scream a top of your lungs BULLSH**!!! when a guy using a revover mows down a battalion of criminals without reloading.


-----if you can field strip any firearm you own hanging upside down and blindfolded


havn't tried upside down, blindfolded yes!

@Awinnell wrote:

-----When buying something with pocket change, you have to pick the dimes and quarters out of a handful of loose ammo.


once in McDonalds, the lady behind me froze, the clerk said "sorry we don't accept scrap metal, try going to the recycling store down the road and come back perhaps Smile "

@Awinnell wrote:

-----if you have ever researched a firearm you own to find out the date it was manufactured ... and then thrown a birthday party for it.

no party just mentally acknowledge it

@Awinnell wrote:

-----when you say "Damn ! That is a sexy looking piece!", your wife knows you are not looking at another woman.

not my wife, ex-girlfriend, and i don't say i out loud, i just look. and it's cue for her to pull me away and say "how do u plan to explain to ur parents that you bought a gun... without a license!"


@Awinnell wrote:
----- whenever you see a story on TV about a gator spotted in a neighborhood, you think "Crap, there goes another target of opportunity."

try pick-pocket instead of croc

@Awinnell wrote:

-----if the cops have ever called Homeland Security after pulling you over



they would if i didn't flash my fake military personel ID

@Awinnell wrote:

-----if you spend half an hour bitching about how the good guy in the movie killed 20 badguys firing full-auto from the hip


-----if your spend another half an hour explaining how the movie would have been over in 10 minutes if any of the bad guys victims had a gun

id bitch about the fact that this is all because the bad guys don't know how to frickin shoot

@Awinnell wrote:

-----if you regularly just sit and stare at your guns for a while, and the rest of your family doesn't find this strange


-----if you reach into your pocket for change at the local 7-11 and pull out loose ammo along with your change.


-----if the guy working at the 7-11 knows you and isn't surprised.


again, McDonalds

@Awinnell wrote:
-----if you can actually take a nap in a gun range.


not nap, but everthing else... breakfast, lunch, dinner... even had a bath, shower rooms were down stairs.

@Awinnell wrote:
-----if you felt a knot in your stomach when they showed US Soldiers destroying a cache of brand spanking new AK-74 on the news.


------If you do a complete breakdown of all your weapons just to stay in practice - "especially if you haven't made it to the range lately"


------if your nightstand is stacked with gun rags and firearm technical and reloading manuals.


----if the local SWAT teams stop by your house for guns and ammo before heading out to the big bust.


a friend in the military once joked about it "maybe next time we come buy we can borrow some of ur supplies"
West- "Borrow? Buy!"

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by West Nile on Fri 29 May 2009 - 11:00

not a gun joke, military joke

three privates wait to leave vietnam without anything to talk about with the crew back home. so decide to take a bet from general. pick 2 points on your body and have it measured by a medic, earn 10 dollar for every inch measured.

the 1st private had his arm span measured, 36 inches equals $360

the 2nd private had his height measured from head to toe, the guy was a 7 footer thus 84 inches equals $840!

the last private wanted to measure the base of his cock to the tip of his cock... the general advised against it but the private insisted. so the private drops his trowsers and the medic attaches the tape measure to the man's groin when suddenly:

"Private! where's your rifle (anatomical one)!"

"Left it in a torture room in Ho Chi Minh sir!"

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Re: Gun jokes?

Post by Three Dog on Sat 7 Apr 2012 - 2:42

@Awinnell wrote:You Might Be A GUN NUT if........


-----you count the number of bullets that people shoot in a movie and then scream a top of your lungs BULLSH**!!! when a guy using a revover mows down a battalion of criminals without reloading.


-----if you spend half an hour bitching about how the good guy in the movie killed 20 badguys firing full-auto from the hip


-----if your spend another half an hour explaining how the movie would have been over in 10 minutes if any of the bad guys victims had a gun


-----if you felt a knot in your stomach when they showed US Soldiers destroying a cache of brand spanking new AK-74 on the news.


-----if you considered that the cheaply goldplated HK MP-5 was reason enough to oust Hussein.

I'm guilty of these ones. Any weapon with golden parts is an impetent gun, and isn't a complete gun, and should be ashamed of itself; gold is heavy and soft and has no place on a gun (Unless you are looking for a penis extension [with the excepton of a magically reinforced Luger that fires pure magical energy and is used bysomeone that has the upperbody strength to be able to use it properly, that's justplain cool]). Law, finance, age, and a combination of the three pretty much prevent the rest.

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