Old Jokes Made New.

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Old Jokes Made New.

Post by ElfenMagix on Mon 29 Jun 2009 - 16:50

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COM PUTER FROM ABBOTT??
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ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou .

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one..

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. ?What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'..............?

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by Robert Frazer on Mon 29 Jun 2009 - 18:21

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'..............?

You'd think that in the fourteen years that have passed since Windows '95, people would have gotten their heads around this...!

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 29 Jun 2009 - 18:59

@Robert Frazer wrote:
COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'..............?

You'd think that in the fourteen years that have passed since Windows '95, people would have gotten their heads around this...!

I still wonder about the folks who look for the "Any" key...

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by boomer_gonz on Mon 29 Jun 2009 - 19:25

LOLZ.

I remember Sera and I calling MS Tech Support for her laptop(which ran Linux) to ask why her 'START' button didn't say START.

It was epic LULZ and a damn fine hour.

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by ElfenMagix on Mon 29 Jun 2009 - 20:37

Was it Berry Linux?
Berry Linux is a Japanese Distro (with very bad Engrish) made to look like XP. Software names and icons were changed to make the appearence be as real as possible (and to protect the innocent)!


I still have a copy of it somewhere. Maybe I can .iso it and put it up on the net one day...

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by TTIO on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 4:05

You can actually get XP/Vista skins for KDE now, y'know. Still, you'd have to be out of your mind do that Razz

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by sasahara17 on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 7:39

@ElfenMagix wrote:Abbott and Costello
I bet an Australian wrote this.

Just got a good one from my pop in an e-mail.

My Pop wrote:HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD...

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to
bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No,'
but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then
the police dispatcher said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors
and an officer will be along when one is available.' George said, 'Okay.'
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds
ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't
have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot
them!'


George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by Kiskaloo on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 10:00

They then promptly arrested the old man for filing a false police report. Razz


Last edited by Kiskaloo on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 11:56; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by boomer_gonz on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 11:43

I would've let the old man go with a public disturbance citation if that.

To do such a thing takes guts which this old man has by the truckload.

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by Cherubino on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 17:28

@boomer_gonz wrote:LOLZ.

I remember Sera and I calling MS Tech Support for her laptop(which ran Linux) to ask why her 'START' button didn't say START.

It was epic LULZ and a damn fine hour.
WOW boom boom. Just... Wow... lol
Although I shouldn't say a thing, I am horrible with computers.

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by sasahara17 on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 18:07

@Kiskaloo wrote:They then promptly arrested the old man for filing a false police report. Razz
Arrest an old codger for reporting a break in to his house? I think a slap on the wrist is more appropriate

Got an even better one.

The Email wrote:An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Attached to this e-mail was a wonderful picture of a tomato garden, so I'm assuming this is another true story.

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by Kiskaloo on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 18:14

@sasahara17 wrote:
@Kiskaloo wrote:They then promptly arrested the old man for filing a false police report. Razz
Arrest an old codger for reporting a break in to his house?

No, for falsely reporting that he'd shot people, requiring such a huge police response.

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by ElfenMagix on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 18:23

@Kiskaloo wrote:
@sasahara17 wrote:
@Kiskaloo wrote:They then promptly arrested the old man for filing a false police report. Razz
Arrest an old codger for reporting a break in to his house?

No, for falsely reporting that he'd shot people, requiring such a huge police response.
It is sad to say that in NYC and in most places from what I hear, a rape victim during her attack would get immediate help if she yelled "HELP! FIRE!" instead of "HELP! RAPE!"

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by Kiskaloo on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 18:34

I suppose it depends on the state.

Texas, for example, is I believe an "open season" state so saying you shot folks on your property would likely generate nothing more than an "okay, we'll send the meat wagon around on the next daily pick-up" response from the police and they'd just mail the shooter a form to fill out and pin to the bodies. Wink

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by Sintendo on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 21:18

A Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The Horse answers, "I just killed my wife."
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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by sasahara17 on Tue 30 Jun 2009 - 22:29

@Kiskaloo wrote:Texas, for example, is I believe an "open season" state so saying you shot folks on your property would likely generate nothing more than an "okay, we'll send the meat wagon around on the next daily pick-up" response from the police and they'd just mail the shooter a form to fill out and pin to the bodies.
Wow... I sure as hell don't want to be a burglar in Texas then.

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by destroyer on Fri 3 Jul 2009 - 23:59

@sasahara17 wrote:
@Kiskaloo wrote:They then promptly arrested the old man for filing a false police report. Razz
Arrest an old codger for reporting a break in to his house? I think a slap on the wrist is more appropriate

Got an even better one.

The Email wrote:An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Attached to this e-mail was a wonderful picture of a tomato garden, so I'm assuming this is another true story.


Brilliant!!!!!! how come the son come out with such though.

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by sasahara17 on Sat 4 Jul 2009 - 3:48

E-mail jokes are great that way.

Anyone here heard the one about the three dead guys, one disgruntled husband, a window washer and a naked guy in a fridge, showing up at the pearly gates together?

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by Robert Frazer on Sat 4 Jul 2009 - 5:06

Who were they? The Aristocrats?

(Groan)

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by sasahara17 on Sat 4 Jul 2009 - 5:25

Er... okay. I'll share another e-mail joke then.

Warning, Contains language

Spoiler:
Dear People of Australia,


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).


Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).


Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
deems appropriate.


Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.


Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should
you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the
attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
SHIT you can handle.


Sincerely,


Kevin Rudd
Canberra
You know you live in a free country wen you can mock your politicians like this.

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Re: Old Jokes Made New.

Post by Kiskaloo on Thu 30 Jul 2009 - 17:20

A boy walks into the confessional in a small parish church in Italy:

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say..'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

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