My Fanfic idea please give feedback

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My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Mon 24 Aug 2009 - 21:09

I'm new to writing about the GsG fandom, though I have written a lot on the Halo series of video games at http://halofanon.wikia.com and I've got an idea. WARNING: lots of character deaths....

An average college age student (basically my self insert) studying abroad in Italy, ends up overhearing a Padania terrorist in a restaurant stating to another that they have hired a massive private military company with forces rivaling those of most countries, Global Military Solutions (loosely based on Artemis Global Security from the video game Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.) to drive the Italian military out of Northern Italy and kill the girls and everyone else in the SWA. The terrorist sees the student (he doesn't have a name yet, but since he is mostly based on me, I'll use my name, David, for now) looking at him, and pulls a pistol and opens fire. David flees the scene as Triela and Hirsher show up on a tip that a Padania terrorist is at the restaurant at the time. The terrorist tosses a hand grenade and it lands several feet away from David and Triela. Hirscher, unfortunately, takes the full blast of it and is killed. David is shaken by the blast, but gets back up, finding Hirscher's pistol and turns to the terrorist and shoots him, the second terrorist is also shot. Triela gets up and looks at David, saying "That was......" "Beginner's luck" David responds. Anyway David lets Triela know what he heard and Triela takes him back to the SWA HQ, only to find what remains of Petrushka lying in a mess of blood, gore, and machine parts after being hit directly by a rocket propelled grenade. Inside, David and Triela find all of the base personnel, including the handlers, dead, shell casings strewn everywhere. In one of the rooms, they find the body of Pia (from the GsG video game) shot through the head with a .50 BMG slug. David takes Pia's M16/M203 and Desert Eagle and helps Triela clear the rest of the base. They find no live enemies, though, only several bodies in special operations uniforms, armed with top of the line equipment, with patches on their shoulders labeled "Global Military Solutions" outside of the rooms belonging to Claes, Henrietta, Triela. Inside, they find Claes, Henrietta, and Rico, the lone survivors of the incedent, all armed. From there, the story goes on to Northern Italy, about the full scale invasion of Global Military Solutions, and the girl's (and to a lesser extent David's, as the Padania did try to kill him) quest for vengeance. Later scenes I have planned out in my head include David shooting down a Hind attack helicopter with a Stinger and David and the girls running down GMS mercs in a tank, as well as a final assault on the PMC HQ.

I know a lot of this seems unrealistic, but hey, it's all just for fun, right!


So, what do you guys think.
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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 24 Aug 2009 - 21:17

Just an FYI...

Triela likes to be the one on top. Wink

You should get in touch with one G. D. Wallez. Very Happy

Seriously, run with it.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Nachtsider on Mon 24 Aug 2009 - 22:17

Sure is Colonel Marksman in here.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Whatface on Mon 24 Aug 2009 - 22:30

Insert character smells like Frederick...

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Danjo3 on Tue 25 Aug 2009 - 16:09

It seems Triela is taking Hillshire’s death quite well.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Kiskaloo on Tue 25 Aug 2009 - 16:17

@Danjo3 wrote:It seems Triela is taking Hillshire’s death quite well.

Well it's clear from Volumes 10 and 11 their relationship is purely professional. Wink

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Tue 25 Aug 2009 - 16:27

On that, I was unsure how to have Triela react, she'd be traumatized, obviously, but I was thinking she'd be the type to go to the ends of the earth to kill every last Padania terrorist and Global Military Solutions mercenary. I was also considering her showing some symptoms of PTSD, such as nightmares and flashbacks. Also, now that you mention it, perhaps a heavy dose of survivors' guilt is in order.

Also, on the subject of going to the ends of the earth to avenge Hirscher, I was planning on having Global Military Solutions be based somewhere other than Italy and have Triela, David, and the others, got abroad and assault the corporate HQ. I was thinking of maybe basing it in the U.S., although I'd have to find a way of getting Triela, Dave and the other girls out of the serious legal reprocussions assaulting a corporate headquarters of a PMC, assassinating the CEO and/or blowing up the building would result in.
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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Kiskaloo on Tue 25 Aug 2009 - 16:33

Well this would assume people would know it was them... Wink

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by emperor on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 6:18

But can the girls work without handlers?

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by boomer_gonz on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 6:46

@SPARTAN 119 wrote:I was planning on having Global Military Solutions be based somewhere other than Italy and have Triela, David, and the others, got abroad and assault the corporate HQ. I was thinking of maybe basing it in the U.S., although I'd have to find a way of getting Triela, Dave and the other girls out of the serious legal reprocussions assaulting a corporate headquarters of a PMC, assassinating the CEO and/or blowing up the building would result in.

A PMC in my own fanon(ISS-International Security Solutions) is/was based in Southern France in the early 2000's before being effectively outlawed in 2003; so based on your timeline you could go there.

Also, other nations that are havens for PMC's include Switzerland, Germany, Sweden, Australia, Canada, Argentina, and especially Russia. Although this could have changed as the last time I checked was 3-4 years ago.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by ElfenMagix on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 9:59

@Whatface wrote:Insert character smells like Frederick...
It sure does...

@Danjo3 wrote:It seems Triela is taking Hillshire’s death quite well.
Perhaps too well. Enough for Cleas to beat the crap out of her.

@SPARTAN 119 wrote:On that, I was unsure how to have Triela react, she'd be traumatized, obviously, but I was thinking she'd be the type to go to the ends of the earth to kill every last Padania terrorist and Global Military Solutions mercenary. I was also considering her showing some symptoms of PTSD, such as nightmares and flashbacks. Also, now that you mention it, perhaps a heavy dose of survivors' guilt is in order.

Though the story idea is fine, it goes against canon in a big way. In short, when a cyborg loses her handler- they shutdown (See Claes) or self destruct (see Elsa). The only one that has not (if you consider the GsG Video game as Canon Material like I do), was Pia, and she practically destroyed 1/2 a city as per his last orders. In the end she self destructed in an attempt to destroy the others cyborgs who were after her. Knowing Triela, she would shutdown like Claes.

[rant]@#$%![/rant] Why? These girls are too condictioned to their handlers, it would be impossible to pair them up to another handler. Claes had to have her memories erased and yet there is still something that ties Claes to Rabello. Triela is madly in love with Hillshire, thus doing this to her would not give you the results you want. In short, this would never happen. You are twisting the Triela character to do things she would never do to satisify your Gary Stu character. (And people say I'm bad!)

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Guest on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 10:22

You should get in touch with one G. D. Wallez.

True, true. The master of...

...
...
...well, best not touch that so it doesn't spoil the fun.

Insert character smells like Frederick...
Laughing! And I'm still trying to tune him down a little~!


One comment: Try not to reference 'you' as an insert character, or use yourself as the character. Those who does sometimes gets a little...Mary Sue/stu-ish. Create a new character instead, draft its limits, capabilities, etc. and then compare to existing canon characters.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Nachtsider on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 10:31

Panzer IV wrote:One comment: Try not to reference 'you' as an insert character, or use yourself as the character.
This I forgot to address earlier. Fact of life: the moment you let the dreaded words 'self-insert' drop in a description/summary of your fic, be prepared to be ridiculed like you have never been ridiculed before. It doesn't always happen, but often does.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 11:12

Especially if the Self-Insert leads to a Mary/Marty Sue.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Danjo3 on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 17:04

@Nachtsider wrote:This I forgot to address earlier. Fact of life: the moment you let the dreaded words 'self-insert' drop in a description/summary of your fic, be prepared to be ridiculed like you have never been ridiculed before.
Especially if you’re inserting yourself in Triela…

…Oh, I’m sorry, I meant inserting yourself in a story with Triela.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 17:23

@Danjo3 wrote:Especially if you’re inserting yourself in Triela…

…Oh, I’m sorry, I meant inserting yourself in a story with Triela.


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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Awinnell on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 17:43

lol, jason and the wheeled warriors

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 17:45

@Awinnell wrote:lol, jason and the wheeled warriors

Yeah. If I knew how to convert an FLV to animated GIF I'd have done the whole sequence with Gillian, but I hope the old-timers around here would get it. Wink

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Awinnell on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 18:10

hard to forget that hat !

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 18:25

@Danjo3 wrote:
@Nachtsider wrote:This I forgot to address earlier. Fact of life: the moment you let the dreaded words 'self-insert' drop in a description/summary of your fic, be prepared to be ridiculed like you have never been ridiculed before.
Especially if you’re inserting yourself in Triela…

…Oh, I’m sorry, I meant inserting yourself in a story with Triela.

FYI I never intended to insert myself into Triela. For one I'd be (physically anyway) at least five years older. A male and female working together does NOT equal said male and female have sex.

Anyway, I have come up with an alternate ending to the third episode of GsG involving Rico going to assassinate a different target, a Padania terrorist instead of a politician at the hotel, and Rico and Emilio discovering it to be a trap orchestrated by Global Military Solutions (the PMC hire plot remains the same) that gets at least Jean, maybe more killed in an RPG attack. Now, the stars of the story are Rico and Emilio, not insert and Triela, and they do NOT end up like Petra and Sandro if you know what I mean. Although, I'm not sure what Nachtsider would think of this, what with Mier and all.
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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 18:34

Sorry about all the demotivation, SPARTAN 119.

It's just that Triela is very popular with female fans because she's beautiful and smart and strong and the most well-adjusted of the original girls. And all those traits make her very popular with male fans because they see her as the girl they could have a relationship with. And many of them write about such relationships in their fiction. And when you add in a self-insert by choosing to use your name for the central character's name, that tends to raise eyebrows. Wink



As for Mier, well he's in a discrete storyline separate from the "canon" of the anime and manga, as all of our fictional storylines are by definition. So if you want to proceed under the assumption that Rico did not shoot Emilio in Chapter 2 of the manga and he therefore is able to team with Rico, feel free. Good

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Nachtsider on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 19:46

I won't honk about Emilio, Spartan, as long as you don't illustrate a situation identical or overly similar to what I wrote in 'Battlezone'.

Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors was one awesome show.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by ElfenMagix on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 23:09

The hell with it all. The story idea is great. Its the execution that rather sucks.
I say never make your self part of a canon character facet. It disrupts the flow of the story and people are not going to like it. It also makes a good story suck.

Why? In order to make a canon character fit with your self-inserted character, you are going to write the canon character out of character. It also shows lack of imagination on your part; by using a canon character when an original character (OC) could be used.

In short- leave Triela (and Hillshire) alone and GO GET YOUR OWN CYBORG! THE SWA HAS TONS OF THEM! YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE HER AS YOU MADE YOURSELF AS A CHARACTER!

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 26 Aug 2009 - 23:21

Most all of our fiction has our OC's fitting in with the canon characters and "writing them out of character", so if SPARTAN 119 wants to cut out the middleman and just interface directly with the canon characters with his self-insert as his OC, I don't see how that is any different.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Danjo3 on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 1:42

@SPARTAN 119 wrote:FYI I never intended to insert myself into Triela.
Sorry SPARTAN 119, I didn’t mean to demotivate you either, but you can't hardly blame me for jumping to that conclusion. Think about it:

1. You’re in it.
2. Hillshire is killed right off the bat.
3. Triela couldn’t care less.
4. You and Triela team up.
5. Evil

If I were you I’d seriously consider taking Elfen’s advice - Leave Triela alone and get your own girl. I have a feeling that stealing Triela away from Victor is going to torpedo your story, no matter how good it is.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by boomer_gonz on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 14:11

@Nachtsider wrote:Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors was one awesome show.

Damn right it was! Good Good

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Nachtsider on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 14:15

High Five

@Danjo3 wrote:If I were you I’d seriously consider taking Elfen’s advice - Leave Triela alone and get your own girl. I have a feeling that stealing Triela away from Victor is going to torpedo your story, no matter how good it is.
Now I have this hilarious mental image of Danjo as Chris Crocker. Laughing

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Danjo3 on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 15:23

@Nachtsider wrote:Now I have this hilarious mental image of Danjo as Chris Crocker. Laughing
Cry "Anyone who has a problem with her, you deal with me!!!" Cry

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 17:38

Another fanfic related question, this time related to Global Military Solutions, namely the location of their base.

I was planning on having it somewhere in the US, a large tract of land in the middle on nowhere, one of the options I have set up is a location in the desert of southwestern New Mexico, in a valley between a couple of desert mountain ranges, the Animas and Hatchet Mts. (both real). I chose this area because I wanted to put the girls into a type of battlefield they've never been in before, I was thinking of having them sneak over that Hatchet Mts. into the base. I have a pic of the area from Google Earth, with the place where the base would be if it was real, so tell me what you think.

http://illiweb.com/fa/pbucket.gif


Last edited by emperor on Fri 28 Aug 2009 - 1:19; edited 3 times in total (Reason for editing : fix your link)
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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Kiskaloo on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 17:59

Seems reasonable to me.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Nachtsider on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 19:41

Why America?

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by ElfenMagix on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 22:38

That is what I am asking.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Kiskaloo on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 22:43

Why not America?

Blackwater 2.0!

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by Nachtsider on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 22:57

Whenever people bring America into a fanfic based on a series that doesn't feature America much, if at all, I tend to get very wary. Fanfiction aficionados will know what I'm talking about.

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Thu 27 Aug 2009 - 23:11

@Kiskaloo wrote:Why not America?

Blackwater 2.0!
That's exactly what I was thinking. I was planning to mention GMS's history at some point (obviously researched by Claes), involving a fictional deal between GMS and the previous administration that got them the base in Nowhere, New Mexico.
As far as GMS's equipment is concerned, I've been thinking mostly U.S. made small arms, though some of their vehicles would be Russian, namely T-90 tanks and Hind attack choppers.

And there's already the issue of alternate versions of the same basic story, the "Rico/Emilio version" and the "two OCs" version. I think I'll write both but I'm not sure if that would cause confusion or what. Also, to make the stories significantly different, I was thinking of maybe changing the location of GMS HQ in one version and, for as per Nachtsider, maybe the one with the two OCs should take place somewhere else. I believe somebody mentioned Canada as a potential location for a PMC HQ... well this might be good for the two OCs option because I was actually born in Canada (though I have been living in the U.S. since I was 8), and my OC is also Canadian. That would add a dimension of wanting to get the corporation that tried to kill him out of his home country!
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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by ElfenMagix on Fri 28 Aug 2009 - 12:14

Blackwater operates outside of America although their offices are set here.
If anything, their administrative and training grounds are in America, but at best, they can buy a few 100 acres in South/Central America for their training grounds, and it would cost nearly nothing to own! Ever heard of the secret Nazi German bases in Brazil and Argentina in the 1950's - almost present date?!! How much you think it cost them? It is obvious you lack resources... I recommend this place for all your needs...

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Re: My Fanfic idea please give feedback

Post by sasahara17 on Sun 6 Sep 2009 - 5:00

Just some general comments;

Hm... I'm a bit wary of the self insert thing and the kill 'em all plot device, but until I see some solid stuff, I'm willing to give this the benefit of the doubt. I'd recommend you try making the hero (i) a likable 'loser' ayyyy in over his head that has alot of luck in avoiding death (i.e. Chuck from Chuck), or (ii) someone so over the top that he is just a riot to watch.

I'm okay with the PMC villain angle. A PMC of such a side is probably one of the groups capable of doing the kind of damage to the SWA that you describe. Still, assuming GMS is a legitimate business-style security contractor attacking a government institution, no matter how secretive, is a very risky undertaking on their part. How do they get around any retaliatory actions from a peeved Italian government (who have just watched a few billion euros and some of their best personnel go up in flames), and how do they sell it to the international forum if it ever went public?

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