First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

View previous topic View next topic Go down

First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfic

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Sat 12 Sep 2009 - 0:32

Here's my first draft of my fanfic, it still needs a title, but I have the first three chapters here.
Questions, Comments, and Criticism (keep it civil) are welcome.



Chapter One:
Beginner’s Luck

David Wilson, was Canadian citizen who had spent most of his life in the US, being “displaced” to the U.S. when his parents got a job there when he was eight. Now, however, he was not in the U.S or Canada, but in Rome, Italy on a foreign exchange program at an Italian university, at this particular moment, waiting to be served at a restaurant. He had been studying abroad in Italy for four months now. At the table immediately behind him, a pair of men were discussing something.... Something that caught David’s attention.
“…..hired the private military company, Global Military Solutions”, the first man said. Global Military Solutions was the largest PMC in the world, equipped with high-end weapons and as many men as the army of a moderately sized country, truly a force to be reckoned with. “But who was hiring them?”, David thought.
It was at that moment that the second man said. “Finally, we will be able to drive every last federal official out of the North.”
“There’s something else”, the other man responded, “What of that government organization, that Social Welfare Agency?”
David thought for a second that these men might be the Padania terrorists he had heard about in the news. “But that’s impossible” David thought, “Why would they be concerned with a civil service agency?”
It was then that the conversation continued, “We have arranged for GMS to deal with them.” David was now staring straight at the two men.
“Enrico”, the first man said, “that guy heard everything. We can’t let him escape.”
At that, the man who spoke pulled a pistol from his overcoat as his partner, Enrico, quickly follow.
David dove out of the way and started running out of the restaurant, hands over his head as shots rang out behind him. He shoulder barged the door open, nearly hitting a man about to enter the restaurant with a brown haired girl of about eighteen.
David yelled to the man and the girl , “No, don’t go in, there’s a guy with a gun”. Mere seconds later David heard a loud bang and a force at pushed him over on his face, like being smacked in the back by a brick wall.
David fought the pain and pushed himself up. It took him a second to realize what had happened. “An explosion, a grenade perhaps?”, David thought. Milliseconds later, David spotted an FN Five-Seven pistol lying in front of him. David picked up the handgun and pointed it towards the restaurant door, poised to fire on the men he was now sure were terrorists.
The doors of the restaurant flew open. The two men, ran out, pistols raised, but Enrico and his partner didn’t turn towards him, but rather to the girl, still lying face down on the sidewalk, a partially destroyed violin case lying by her side. “She’s one of those cybernetic assassins with the SWA, kill her”, Enrico said. Enrico’s partner turned the girl over and placed his pistol to her face.
Without a moment’s hesitation, David fired four shots into the back of the terrorist. As he fell to the ground, Enrico turned, only to catch three more rounds from David’s pistol, one right in the temple.
David turned to the girl, still lying on the ground. At that moment, she got up and said “That was……” “Beginner’s luck”, David responded.
The girl looked around and turned to the man, lying dead on the ground. “NO!”, she yelled as she walked over to the man. “Paulo, he can’t be dead!!!” The girl immediately broke down and started crying.
David, desperately trying to calm her down, asked her a question. “What is your name?”, he asked. “Daniella”, the distraught girl whimpered between sobs. “OK, Daneilla, was that man, Paulo, your father”, David asked Daniella.
“No”, she said “It’s hard to explain….” “OK, do you have any idea why those guys tried to kill you? Or for that matter, what they meant when they called you a cyborg?”, David asked.
Daniella tried to pull herself together. “Normally, I wouldn’t tell you this, but with Paulo dead, I don’t have any other options.”, Daniella replied, “I am a cybernetic assassin working for the Italian government and Paulo, he was my handler.”
“Okay”, David said, still not sure he believed the girl, “But why…..”
“Paulo and I got a tip off those guys were here. They’re Five Republics Faction terrorists”, Daniella replied “Those guys are high ranking members of the Padania, Paulo and I were send to “deal with them”.
“Then I think this might be of interest to you” David replied, deciding to play along with the girl’s story “The terrorists tried to kill me just before you arrived, because I heard them talking about something I wasn’t supposed hear. The terrorists were talking about hiring a private military contractor, Global Military Solutions, to liberate Northern Italy and….” David paused, “Your organization doesn’t by any chance operate under the guise of a “Social Welfare Agency?”.
“Actually”, Daniella said, “We do, I myself was supposedly killed in a failed surgery after an accident, paid for by the SWA, but in actual fact, I was made into a cyborg, but why, did they mention the SWA?”
“Actually”, David said “Yes….and that’s not all, they said they hired GMS to kill everyone at your headquarters, didn’t say when, though”.
“We’ve got to get to SWA HQ and warn them!”, Daniella said as she grabbed David by the arm and pushed him into the passenger seat of an unmarked van. Daniella then jumped into the driver’s seat and sped off through the streets of Rome, several times only narrowly escaping a collision.















Chapter Two:
Somebody’s Gonna Pay For All This

The van sped down a highway leading out of Rome as Daniella weaved between traffic, doing at least ten miles over the speed limit. Amazingly, she didn’t so much as scrape another vehicle on the road.
After about five minutes, Daniella guided the vehicle onto an off ramp leading onto a country road with nothing on it except a complex of buildings. As the “cybernetic assassin” drove the van into the parking lot of the complex, David was surprised to see hundreds of bullet holes and even a few large holes blown into the walls by some sort of explosion.
“I take it this isn’t the usual SWA’s décor”, David commented.
“Somebody’s attacked this place, probably those GMS guys you heard those Padania talking about ”, Daniella commented as she exited the van and opened a cello case she had with her.
Dani opened the case, revealing a G36C asssult rifle with a grenade launcher and a weapon David initially thought was an Uzi. “You take the shotgun.”, Dani said. “Shotgun?” David said, “All I see are a G36 and an Uzi.”
Daniella picked up the “Uzi” and said “MAG-7, South African-made combat shotgun, looks like an Uzi, but it’s actually pump-action shotgun with a five-round magazine”, Dani said as she quickly pointed out the locations of the safety and the magazine release.
Dave and Dani walked up to the entrance to the SWA building, and were greeted by unpleasant sight, a mess of blood, charred flesh, and the twisted remnants of a submachine gun, and most grisly of all, a severed female head that appeared to have red hair, though most of it had been burned away.
But there was something else that caught David’s eye, scatterered amongst the blood and gore were machine parts. “Proof at last that at least, she was a cyborg?”, David thought. “Petra”, Dani said, “Looks like she was blown apart by an RPG……”
David looked around. “Might this be the culprit?”, David asked, picking up an AT-4 disposable rocket launcher tube on the ground some distance from Petra’s remains.
“Looks like it.”, Dani said, before continuing, I’ll go first, the bastards who did this might still be inside.” Dani kicked down the door and pointed her gun first left, then right. “Looks clear to me”, Dani said. David kept his MAG-7 raised anyway as he entered.
The interior was strewn with bodies and the floor was covered in shell casings. The place also looked like it had been thoroughly searched, furniture overturned and doorways thrown open or even blown off their hinges with explosives. Dani and David walked upstairs to the second level, the dormitories. Inside one of the rooms was the first casualty, another “cybernetic assassin” with an unusual whitish hair-color lying face down in from of a shattered window, a bullet hole in her forehead. Next to the dead body lay an M-16A4 assault rifle with an attached M-203 grenade launcher and a considerable cache of ammunition.
“Pia”, Daniella said, “Looks like they got her as well, judging form the shattered window and the lack of casings, I’d say it’s sniper fire……Somebody’s gonna pay for all this.”, Dani added as an afterthought.
David picked up Pia’s rifle and some ammunition before handing the MAG-7 back to Daniella. “I think this is more my style”, David said, as he loaded a fresh magazine into the weapon.
David and Daniella exited the room where Pia lay dead and checked several other rooms, all of them empty, and all of them having been ransacked, closets opened and beds stripped of their mattresses in search of someone hiding.
Around a corner, David and Dani found a five dead bodies in special forces gear, armed with M4 carbines with attached grenade launchers, SPAS-12 assault shotguns, and in one of their hands, a Desert Eagle. The bodies surrounded by a large number of shell casings, all of them for armor piercing ammunition. On the shoulders of the dead men’s uniform was a patch that read “Global Military Solutions”. “Well that confirms what I heard”, David said, “Looks like the FRF really did hire Global Military Solutions to kill you”.
“Yeah”, Dani said, “But it looks like somebody managed to fight back. By the work of the bullet wounds on this one, I’d say this one took a long burst from an FN P90, I suspect Henrietta was involved. This, however, his body armor was penetrated by rifled slug from a shotgun, looks like Triela’s handiwork.”
As Dani said this, David noticed a sheet of paper in the pockets of one of the dead men. Upon examining it, David realized it had several photos of various people on the list. The first was a blond haired girl of about 14 labeled as “Triela”. Next to Triela was Henrietta, a brown haired girl of about eight or nine. Beside her was a face David recognized, that of Pia, the dead girl who’s M16 he was now carrying. The first pic on the next line was a black haired girl with glasses, “Frieda Claes Johannson”, with a note stating she was often known simply as “Claes”. Then their was an unusually named blonde girl, Rico, the redhead, Petrushka, and finally, Daniella. Also on the list of pictures were several men, among them a Guiseppe and Jean Croce, who looked like brothers and Victor Hartmann, code named “Hillshire”.
“Daniella, you might want to look at this”, David said, “I think it’s a list of targets”.
Suddenly, a door at the end of the hall flew open. A blonde haired girl wielding a Winchester 1892 shotgun with a bayonet attached stood in front of the door, weapon raised. “Triela!, it’s me Daniella, don’t shoot”, Dani said.











Chapter Three
Down In Flames

Note: Also considering the titles "Death Spiral" and "Afghan Turkey Shoot". Any ideas on which of the three options sounds the best.

Triela lowered her weapon slowly and asked “So, Daniella, whose your friend over there”.
Daniella and David explained the present situation as Triela lead us into the room and introduced me to the cyborgs that were in the room with her, Henrietta, a brown haired girl younger than Triela or Dani, about 10 years old by her appearences, armed with and FN P90 submachine gun, Rico, a girl of about 12, with short blonde hair. Rico was carrying a Beretta AR70 assault rifle and had an SVD Dragunov sniper rifle slung over her shoulder. Finally, there was Claes, a black haired girl with a pair of glasses in her pocket. Claes wielded a VP-70 selective fire pistol with a shoulder stock.
Suddenly, the sound of a helicopter filled the air. David looked out the window to see not one chopper, but four.
“Two of them are Agusta A-109 general purpose helicopters, the other two are also Agustas, Mangusta Gunships in this case, probably one of ours, the A-109s appear to be carrying a pair of rocket pods and two 7.62mm miniguns. The Mangustas on the other hand, are armed with 8 AGM-114 Hellfire missiles and a pair of rocket pods.”
“If their Italian Army helicopters, why are you bothering with the armament?”, David asked.
“I read somewhere that GMS recently aquired a number of Agusta helicopters…” Claes said.
At that moment, Claes was cut off by the sound of a rocket hitting the building, David, Triela, Dani, Claes, Rico, and Henrietta were knocked down by the force of the blast.
David got up, and seized his M16 as one of the Mangustas leveled with the hole it had blown into the wall, barely 100 yards away.
David loaded a 40mm grenade into the M203 under his rifle’s barrel as he took aim, staring the GMS pilot straight in the eye.
The next few seconds seemed as though the world had gone into slow motion as he squeezed the trigger of the M203. At the same time, the Mangusta pilot’s finger moved towards the trigger on his aircraft’s flight stick, ready to blast the room and all it’s occupants out of existence with a hail of rockets.
But David was faster, he felt the recoil as the M203 sent a 40mm grenade straight at the helicopter pilot. The cockpit of the helicopter exploded in a flash of fire, sending what remained of the hostile aircraft into a death spiral. David ran out of the room, quickly followed by the other girls.
“What are we going to do about the other helicopters?”, David asked. “Rico, Triela, and Henrietta, you two fire out of the windows at the choppers”, Dani said, “Keep ‘em busy while David, Claes, and I will go to the armory in the other building, there should be some Stingers in there.”
At that, ‘Etta, ‘Ela and Rico turned a corner into one of the rooms in the building and started firing at the helicopters. Rico managed to pick off several troops fast-roping from a helicopter with her Dragunov as Claes and Dani ran down the staircase, David bringing up the rear. The two cyborgs sprinted across the stone bridge over the ditch that separated the main building from the armory, with a completely normal human still bringing up the rear. The three of them ran through the door of the armory building, unnoticed by the helicopters.
Dani walked over to a stack of crates and grabbed an FIM-92 Stinger man-portable missile launch tube and attached it to the trigger assembly before she handed it to David.
“This button here arms the weapon”, she said as she pointed out a button on the side of the launcher, “Just point the Stinger at the helicopter, aim with the scope”. Daniella pointed out a scope on top of the launch tube before she continued, “When you get a lock, you’ll hear a tone and feel a vibration coming from the scope. Then, you just pull the trigger, fire and forget.”
“Right”, David said, “Lets do this!”
“OK”, Dani said, “I’ll stand in front of the building, Claes will take the left, and you will hide behind the backstop of the firing range to the right of the building. I’ll shoot the first helicopter to get their attention, Claes, you take the second, and David, you’ll nail the last one.”
“That’s all good”, Claes said, “But what if David misses”
“I won’t”, David replied, “If an Afghan peasant can use one of these, so can I”
At that, Claes, Dani, and David ran out the three separate doors to the building. David ran as fast as he could with the cumbersome weapon and dove behind the backstop of the range.
He heard a whizzing sound, followed by a loud bang. Looking up, he saw one of the Agusta 109s explode in midair as it was struck by Dani’s SAM. The second A-109 came in from the left as the Mangusta came in from the right, prepared to pound the building where the SAM came from with a hail of fire.
Claes fired and took down the second A-109 in a fiery death spiral as David took aim at the Mangusta and armed his Stinger. David felt a vibration in his cheekbone as a close up view of the Mangusta filled his scope. He heard a buzzing sound, the lock tone. David squeezed the trigger.
A blast of hot air buffeted David like and overly hot wind as he saw the missile leave the tube. Inside the Stinger, the IR seeker locked onto the infra red radiation emitted by the hot engine of the Mangusta attack helicopter. The missile was steered towards the helicopter.
David, Daniella, and Claes watched as the missile struck the engine of the Mangusta and sent the enemy chopper up in a ball of fire. Fragments of flaming metal fell from the explosion before the helicopter spiraled to the ground and crashed and burned in a field several hundred yards away.
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by ElfenMagix on Sat 12 Sep 2009 - 9:48

Looks promising. Would like to see how this would finish.

Though a cyborg is forever connected to their handler, this is your story and you can be flexible with the bonding of the cyborg/handler. Just make it (and other situations) reasonable and not something that was pulled out of a hat. The 'Beginner's Luck' Part is fine.

Only other issue I might have an issue is having an exchange student joining the ranks of the SWA handlers. Why? Most handlers (male and female) are at least college educated and/or military or police trained. This would make them at least in their mid to late 20s, and with proven combat experience. Again, this is your story. I would like to see how you deal with it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Fernando had Super Powers, He would be God!
avatar
ElfenMagix

Male

Forum Posts : 5682

Location : NYC NY, USA

Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...

Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca

Comments : He has super powers. He is God.

Registration date : 2007-09-21

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Sat 12 Sep 2009 - 12:19

@ElfenMagix wrote:
Only other issue I might have an issue is having an exchange student joining the ranks of the SWA handlers. Why? Most handlers (male and female) are at least college educated and/or military or police trained. This would make them at least in their mid to late 20s, and with proven combat experience. Again, this is your story. I would like to see how you deal with it.

David never officially becomes a handler. He is sent to the SWA to be put under protection as a witness. Everyone at the SWA with the exception of a few cyborgs are massacred by GMS. Also, GMS now knows the location of the Agency HQ, and have already returned with heavier firepower once. Daniella simply has nowhere else to go.
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by ElfenMagix on Sat 12 Sep 2009 - 12:49

Keep writing then! This is what a story is about!
I'll agree that a lot of adrenaline and good luck will surpass skill and sheer numbers of manpower at times. Great battles and wars were won that way Laughing

I seriously doubt that the Italian military would let any independent group get this far without taking action, however delayed. The SWA does not stand alone in its fight against terrorists, it does have a lot of back up, including from Section 1 despite the animosity between the two agencies.

Keep writing. I want to see how this pans out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Fernando had Super Powers, He would be God!
avatar
ElfenMagix

Male

Forum Posts : 5682

Location : NYC NY, USA

Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...

Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca

Comments : He has super powers. He is God.

Registration date : 2007-09-21

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Sat 12 Sep 2009 - 12:56

@ElfenMagix wrote:Keep writing then! This is what a story is about!
I'll agree that a lot of adrenaline and good luck will surpass skill and sheer numbers of manpower at times. Great battles and wars were won that way Laughing

I seriously doubt that the Italian military would let any independent group get this far without taking action, however delayed. The SWA does not stand alone in its fight against terrorists, it does have a lot of back up, including from Section 1 despite the animosity between the two agencies.

Keep writing. I want to see how this pans out.

You'll see what the Italian military is being kept busy with in the next chapter...
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by Danjo3 on Sun 13 Sep 2009 - 10:21

I would say your dialogue is a little stiff - like something from a Chuck Norris movie. In real life people don’t talk like they’re reading off a teleprompter. They talk like… real people. And I know you’re probably sick of hearing it, but David the exchange student makes an unbelievably quick transformation to David the Marty. I don’t know how to remedy that outside of changing the whole story, but it’s something to think about.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


“I don’t hate him specifically, it’s the rest of you selfish adults I hold a grudge against.”
avatar
Danjo3
The Voice of Reason

Male

Forum Posts : 2609

Fan of : Hillshire/Triela

Original Characters : Biff & Little Britney

Comments : OC hater par excellence.

Registration date : 2007-09-14

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 13 Sep 2009 - 13:34

Or just roll with David being a "Marty Sue".

If played well, it can be very entertaining - just witness Danjo3's Biff.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What? I like donuts! - Betty Suarez
If I die before my time, go on Oprah and tell the world 'I liked kittens'. - Veronica Mars
Scissors of victory! - Yui Hirasawa
avatar
Kiskaloo
A Cat of Many Talents

Male

Forum Posts : 10897

Location : Seattle / Tokyo / Milan

Fan of : Angelica's Smile

Original Characters : Kara Michelle

Comments : The community's international man of mystery.

Registration date : 2008-09-11

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by Danjo3 on Sun 13 Sep 2009 - 14:36

You may be on to something there Kisk.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


“I don’t hate him specifically, it’s the rest of you selfish adults I hold a grudge against.”
avatar
Danjo3
The Voice of Reason

Male

Forum Posts : 2609

Fan of : Hillshire/Triela

Original Characters : Biff & Little Britney

Comments : OC hater par excellence.

Registration date : 2007-09-14

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by ElfenMagix on Mon 14 Sep 2009 - 17:25

I agreee with Kisk.
We cant stop everyone from being Marty Stus, but we can watch the results thereof!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Fernando had Super Powers, He would be God!
avatar
ElfenMagix

Male

Forum Posts : 5682

Location : NYC NY, USA

Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...

Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca

Comments : He has super powers. He is God.

Registration date : 2007-09-21

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by Danjo3 on Tue 15 Sep 2009 - 13:25

@ElfenMagix wrote:I agreee with Kisk.
We cant stop everyone from being Marty Stus, but we can watch the results thereof!
That's very true.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


“I don’t hate him specifically, it’s the rest of you selfish adults I hold a grudge against.”
avatar
Danjo3
The Voice of Reason

Male

Forum Posts : 2609

Fan of : Hillshire/Triela

Original Characters : Biff & Little Britney

Comments : OC hater par excellence.

Registration date : 2007-09-14

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 1:05

I'll probably continue with David being a bit Stu-ish, but, just out of curiousity, I was wondering which aspect of him you consider more Stu-ish, his luck with weapons he's never handled before, his convincing the cyborgs, particularly Daniella, to trust him in practically no time at all, or a combination of the both.
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by emperor on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 1:57

I was wondering which aspect of him you consider more Stu-ish, his luck with weapons he's never handled before

This one really unrealistic. It's not that easy for beginner to handle and use guns that he never has experience before.

Anyway,this reason remind of anime Zero no Tsukaima wher the actor[male] had the magic power that he can use any weapons like he knows them for very well.


Last edited by emperor on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 1:59; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : adding more...)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


http://on.fb.me/9tuZOK Facebook Page for Cyborg Central : Gunslinger Girl Forum cheers
avatar
emperor

Male

Forum Posts : 1637

Location : Bangkok,Thailand

Fan of : Henrietta,Black Lagoon,Jormungund

Original Characters : Rosetta,Devil baby

Comments : Be creative,baby!!

Registration date : 2007-09-09
Your character
OC genger:

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by Nachtsider on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 2:04

A combination of all three, with the weapons thing being the biggest offender.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------





There may be no peace for the wicked, but the righteous can damn well get a piece whenever they feel like it.
avatar
Nachtsider
KNIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
KNIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

Male

Forum Posts : 5718

Location : Inside your closet. In your head.

Fan of : Gunslinger Girl, Transformers: Animated

Original Characters : Liesel/Altheus, Meir/Kathryn, Aharon/Nadia, Cosette/Janus

Comments : The Living Legend. Master of Darkness. Trailblazer par excellence. Fear him.

Registration date : 2007-09-09

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by Danjo3 on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 5:07

@ElfenMagix wrote:Most handlers (male and female) are at least college educated and/or military or police trained. This would make them at least in their mid to late 20s, and with proven combat experience.
This is something to consider. Increase David’s age and make him an ex-cop, ex-military or both. I know it sounds awfully convenient, but it would make his level of expertise more believable.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


“I don’t hate him specifically, it’s the rest of you selfish adults I hold a grudge against.”
avatar
Danjo3
The Voice of Reason

Male

Forum Posts : 2609

Fan of : Hillshire/Triela

Original Characters : Biff & Little Britney

Comments : OC hater par excellence.

Registration date : 2007-09-14

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 11:13

OK, the downing the chopper with the M203 is a bit ridiculous. But as for the Five Seven, he was aiming at a target about ten feet away, and well, the Stinger, it is a fire and forget weapon, and for that matter, I actually researched how a Stinger works, and you really can just point it at a target, activate, get lock, and fire.
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 11:48

@SPARTAN 119 wrote:I'll probably continue with David being a bit Stu-ish, but, just out of curiousity, I was wondering which aspect of him you consider more Stu-ish, his luck with weapons he's never handled before, his convincing the cyborgs, particularly Daniella, to trust him in practically no time at all, or a combination of the both.

My first comment is that if the terrorists are so worried about people knowing about what they are doing - why are they talking about it in public? Puzzled

Also, if they need to keep this a secret, why are they opening up in the restaurant? That's just going to bring down a massive police investigation and there will be plenty of witnesses to identify these two. And that the SWA was coming to get them means that the two are known at least to the SWA - and likely to other government organizations. So plenty of witnesses are going to identify two PRF terrorists shooting at someone out of the blue. Again - Puzzled

As to his proficiency with small arms - David spent much of his life in the United States, where access to weapons is easy. So I suggest you add some background noting he used to practice with a pistol on the range to the part where he takes the pistol. That would at least give him the knowledge to operate and aim the weapon and, as you note, a target that close should be "easy" to hit from that distance. But him being a weapons expert with all types of military equipment? sweat

As to the Stinger, it's an easy weapon to operate, but it still requires instruction. There is an activation sequence and then an arming sequence and a target acquisition sequence. There is just no way that a person who has never handled a Stinger before would intuitively figure it out. Now, if David is a Military History buff he might very well have watched enough shows on The Military Channel that he's seen the sequences shown enough times to maybe work it out, but still...

An M433 High-Explosive Dual Purpose round fired from an M203 could penetrate a helicopter cabin and kill everyone inside, but the target needs to be between 15-30m away before the round arms and the round is designed to follow a ballistic arc, so shooting up at a chopper, even if it's in a low hover, might be too difficult without expert training and experience - which David is not going to have.

Also, how did Daniella know they were shooting at David? She walked into a gunfight in progress and it makes sense people would be trying to escape. I'd recommend some additional writing to better set up the scene so Daniella knows that David was the target.

And Daniella suddenly opening up to David about who she is, what she is, and who she works for is just...unlikely. This is a secret organization and these girls are professionals. While Claes locked up like a Windows 95 machine ( Razz ) when she was told her handler was killed, I have to believe that the girls are trained on just such a contingency. It's just too dangerous for them to stand there like a statue and have police and medical teams discover them - and then discover what they are.

Now she could grab him and drag him with her back to the Agency since she could feel he has information they need and she could tell him her name (perhaps a fake one), but she's not going to tell him she's a cyborg and an assassin and that she works for a secret government agency. NO

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What? I like donuts! - Betty Suarez
If I die before my time, go on Oprah and tell the world 'I liked kittens'. - Veronica Mars
Scissors of victory! - Yui Hirasawa
avatar
Kiskaloo
A Cat of Many Talents

Male

Forum Posts : 10897

Location : Seattle / Tokyo / Milan

Fan of : Angelica's Smile

Original Characters : Kara Michelle

Comments : The community's international man of mystery.

Registration date : 2008-09-11

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 19:17

Here's the (somewhat) updated versions of chapters 1-2 (3 coming soon). To be honest, the only reason I had Daniella give all that exposition early on so I could get to writing the action scenes, which unrealism aside, I think I am better at writing action scenes then exposition.

Chapter One:
Beginner’s Luck

David Wilson, was Canadian citizen who had spent most of his life in the US, being “displaced” to the U.S. when his parents got a job there when he was eight. Now, however, he was not in the U.S or Canada, but in Rome, Italy on a foreign exchange program at an Italian university, at this particular moment, waiting to be served at a restaurant. He had been studying abroad in Italy for four months now. At the table immediately behind him, a pair of men were discussing something.... Something that caught David’s attention.
“…..hired the private military company, Global Military Solutions”, the first man said. Global Military Solutions was the largest PMC in the world, equipped with high-end weapons and as many men as the army of a moderately sized country, truly a force to be reckoned with. “But who was hiring them?”, David thought.
It was at that moment that the second man said. “Finally, we will be able to drive every last federal official out of the North.”
“There’s something else”, the other man responded, “What of that government organization, that Social Welfare Agency?”
David thought for a second that these men might be the Padania terrorists he had heard about in the news. “But that’s impossible” David thought, “Why would they be concerned with a civil service agency?”
It was then that the conversation continued, “We have arranged for GMS to deal with them.” David was now staring straight at the two men.
“Enrico”, the first man said, “that guy heard everything. We can’t let him escape.”
At that, the man who spoke pulled a pistol from his overcoat as his partner, Enrico, quickly follow.
David dove out of the way and started running out of the restaurant, hands over his head as shots rang out behind him. He shoulder barged the door open, nearly hitting a man about to enter the restaurant with a brown haired girl of about eighteen.
David yelled to the man and the girl , “No, don’t go in, there’s a guy with a gun”. Mere seconds later David heard a loud bang and a force at pushed him over on his face, like being smacked in the back by a brick wall.
David fought the pain and pushed himself up. It took him a second to realize what had happened. “An explosion, a grenade perhaps?”, David thought. Milliseconds later, David spotted an FN Five-Seven pistol lying in front of him. David picked up the handgun and pointed it towards the restaurant door, poised to fire on the men he was now sure were terrorists.
The doors of the restaurant flew open. The two men, ran out, pistols raised, but Enrico and his partner didn’t turn towards him, but rather to the girl, still lying face down on the sidewalk, a partially destroyed violin case lying by her side. “She’s one of those cybernetic assassins with the SWA, kill her”, Enrico said. Enrico’s partner turned the girl over and placed his pistol to her face.
Without a moment’s hesitation, David took aim at the first man. He had fired a pistol a few times on a range with a friend who collected guns, but he had never killed a man. David held his breath and squeezed the trigger, first one once, then twice. He fired four shots into the back of the terrorist. As he fell to the ground, Enrico turned, only to catch three more rounds from David’s pistol, one right in the temple.
David turned to the girl, still lying on the ground. At that moment, she got up and said “That was……” “Beginner’s luck”, David responded.
The girl looked around and turned to the man, lying dead on the ground. “NO!”, she yelled as she walked over to the man. “Paulo, he can’t be dead!!!” The girl immediately broke down and started crying.
David, desperately trying to calm her down, asked her a question. “What is your name?”, he asked. “Daniella”, the distraught girl whimpered between sobs. “OK, Daneilla, was that man, Paulo, your father”, David asked Daniella.
“No”, she said “It’s hard to explain….” “OK, do you have any idea why those guys tried to kill you? Or for that matter, what they meant when they called you a cyborg?”, David asked.
Daniella tried to pull herself together. “Cyborg?! You must have misheard”, Daniella said, dismissively, “However, I do know why they want me dead. I may not look like it, but I am a government agent.”
“Okay”, David said, still not sure he believed the girl, “But why…..”
“Paulo and I got a tip off those guys were here. They’re Five Republics Faction terrorists”, Daniella replied “Those guys are high ranking members of the Padania, Paulo and I were send to “deal with them”.
“Then I think this might be of interest to you” David replied, deciding to play along with the girl’s story “The terrorists tried to kill me just before you arrived, because I heard them talking about something I wasn’t supposed hear. The terrorists were talking about hiring a private military contractor, Global Military Solutions, to liberate Northern Italy and….” David paused, “Your organization doesn’t by any chance operate under the guise of a “Social Welfare Agency?”.
“I am not a liberty to discuss that.”, Daniella said, “But, in any case”, she said, “I am taking you into protective custody. Daniella flashed an official looking badge at David as she said the last sentence.
Daniella grabbed David by the arm and pushed him into the passenger seat of an unmarked van. Daniella then jumped into the driver’s seat and sped off through the streets of Rome, several times only narrowly escaping a collision.















Chapter Two:
Somebody’s Gonna Pay For All This

The van sped down a highway leading out of Rome as Daniella weaved between traffic, doing at least ten miles over the speed limit. Amazingly, she didn’t so much as scrape another vehicle on the road.
After about five minutes, Daniella guided the vehicle onto an off ramp leading onto a country road with nothing on it except a complex of buildings. As the “government agent” drove the van into the parking lot of the complex, David was surprised to see hundreds of bullet holes and even a few large holes blown into the walls by some sort of explosion.
“I take it this isn’t the Italian Government’s usual décor”, David commented.
“Somebody’s attacked this place, probably those GMS guys you heard those Padania talking about ”, Daniella commented as she exited the van and opened a cello case she had with her.
Dani opened the case, revealing a G36C asssult rifle with a grenade launcher and a weapon David initially thought was an Uzi. “You take the shotgun.”, Dani said. “Shotgun?” David said, “All I see are a G36 and an Uzi.”
Daniella picked up the “Uzi” and said “MAG-7, South African-made combat shotgun, looks like an Uzi, but it’s actually pump-action shotgun with a five-round magazine”, Dani said as she quickly pointed out the locations of the safety and the magazine release.
Dave and Dani walked up to the entrance to the SWA building, and were greeted by unpleasant sight, a mess of blood, charred flesh, and the twisted remnants of a submachine gun, and most grisly of all, a severed female head that appeared to have red hair, though most of it had been burned away.
“Petra”, Dani said, “Looks like she was blown apart by an RPG……”
David looked around. “Might this be the culprit?”, David asked, picking up an AT-4 disposable rocket launcher tube on the ground some distance from Petra’s remains.
“Looks like it.”, Dani said, before continuing, I’ll go first, the bastards who did this might still be inside.”
“Wait a second”, David asked, “Look at the body, there are are machine parts and bits of metal in amongst the blood and gore.”
Dani ignored him and kicked down the door and pointed her gun first left, then right. “Looks clear to me”, Dani said. David kept his MAG-7 raised anyway as he entered.
The interior was strewn with bodies and the floor was covered in shell casings. The place also looked like it had been thoroughly searched, furniture overturned and doorways thrown open or even blown off their hinges with explosives. Dani and David walked upstairs to the second level, the dormitories. Inside one of the rooms was another body, a girl with an unusual whitish hair-color lying face down in from of a shattered window, a bullet hole in her forehead. Next to the dead body lay an M-16A4 assault rifle with an attached M-203 grenade launcher and a considerable cache of ammunition.
“Pia”, Daniella said, “Looks like they got her as well, judging from the shattered window and the lack of casings, I’d say it’s sniper fire……Somebody’s gonna pay for all this.”, Dani added as an afterthought.
David picked up Pia’s rifle and some ammunition before handing the MAG-7 back to Daniella. “I think this is more my style”, David said, as he loaded a fresh magazine into the weapon.
David and Daniella exited the room where Pia lay dead and checked several other rooms, all of them empty, and all of them having been ransacked, closets opened and beds stripped of their mattresses in search of someone hiding.
Around a corner, David and Dani found a five dead bodies in special forces gear, armed with M4 carbines with attached grenade launchers, SPAS-12 assault shotguns, and in one of their hands, a Desert Eagle. The bodies surrounded by a large number of shell casings, all of them for armor piercing ammunition. On the shoulders of the dead men’s uniform was a patch that read “Global Military Solutions”. “Well that confirms what I heard”, David said, “Looks like the FRF really did hire Global Military Solutions to kill you”.
“Yeah”, Dani said, “But it looks like somebody managed to fight back. By the work of the bullet wounds on this one, I’d say this one took a long burst from an FN P90, I suspect Henrietta was involved. This, however, his body armor was penetrated by rifled slug from a shotgun, looks like Triela’s handiwork.”
As Dani said this, David noticed a sheet of paper in the pockets of one of the dead men. Upon examining it, David realized it had several photos of various people on the list. The first was a blond haired girl of about 14 labeled as “Triela”. Next to Triela was Henrietta, a brown haired girl of about eight or nine. Beside her was a face David recognized, that of Pia, the dead girl who’s M16 he was now carrying. The first pic on the next line was a black haired girl with glasses, “Frieda Claes Johannson”, with a note stating she was often known simply as “Claes”. Then their was an unusually named blonde girl, Rico, the redhead, Petrushka, and finally, Daniella. Also on the list of pictures were several men, among them a Guiseppe and Jean Croce, who looked like brothers and Victor Hartmann, code named “Hillshire”.
“Daniella, you might want to look at this”, David said, “I think it’s a list of targets, but I still don’t understand why all the girls are marked as “Cyborg- extremely dangerous”.
Suddenly, a door at the end of the hall flew open. A blonde haired girl wielding a Winchester 1892 shotgun with a bayonet attached stood in front of the door, weapon raised. “Triela!, it’s me Daniella, don’t shoot”, Dani said.




Also, I was thinking, about the scene with Dave and Daniella vs. the choppers. What would you say if I saved that for later and a for the second attack on the SWA compound, just have GMS send in another special ops squad, and have David fire an M203 at a couple of spec ops, but accidentally fire a phosphorous round instead of a high explosive in scene something like this:

The two GMS soldiers took cover from Rico's sniper fire. One of the mercenaries pulled out an AT4 rocket launcher and took aim at the window Rico was firing from while his partner kept her head down with a withering hail of lead from an M249 SAW. David got up from his position in a first floor window and took aim with the M203 grenade launcher attached to his M16. David had heard on a show on the Military Channel that an M203 can hit a target with a straight shot up to about 200 yards. He was certain he could make the shot, the mercs were only 50 to 70 yards away and distracted by suppressing Rico's sniper fire. David took aim and pulled the trigger. The grenade launcher fired with a dull thud before David saw the grenade explode in a flash of fire and a ball of white smoke. The two GMS mercs writhed on the ground, their bodies on fire, before they finally stopped moving. "I'm assuming you didn't intend to use a white phosphorous round", Daniella commented.
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Sat 19 Sep 2009 - 19:42

A possible future plot point for this fanfic I'd like feedback on.

I was planning on having Jose and Hillshire get captured when GMS forces attack SWA so the mercs can torture information out of them. Henrietta and Triela discover this, with the predictable result of them going after their handlers (and dragging Daniella, David, Rico, and Claes along for the ride) and killing large numbers of GMS mercs in the process.

Also, I would like to request that you read the updated version of chapters 1-2 my fic, as well as the preview of a highly modified chapter 3 in the post above and comment on it.
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by ElfenMagix on Sat 19 Sep 2009 - 20:47

Problem: if the SWA was under attack, the cyborgs would be with their handlers as if they were glued on. Thus capturing one would be nearly impossible without killing the cyborg.

Considering the speed and strength the cyborgs have (as shown in V11), this would be a difficult proposition at best.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Fernando had Super Powers, He would be God!
avatar
ElfenMagix

Male

Forum Posts : 5682

Location : NYC NY, USA

Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...

Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca

Comments : He has super powers. He is God.

Registration date : 2007-09-21

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by Kiskaloo on Sat 19 Sep 2009 - 21:01

Depends. If the cyborgs are in their dormitory and the handlers are in the admin building, by the time the cyborgs realize what's happening, the handler's could be in custody and being extricated.

The later issues of the manga and the second anime show that the SWA moved into significantly larger digs and the cyborg and handler dormitories don't appear to be anywhere near the main admin building (the distance could be scores - even hundreds - of meters).

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What? I like donuts! - Betty Suarez
If I die before my time, go on Oprah and tell the world 'I liked kittens'. - Veronica Mars
Scissors of victory! - Yui Hirasawa
avatar
Kiskaloo
A Cat of Many Talents

Male

Forum Posts : 10897

Location : Seattle / Tokyo / Milan

Fan of : Angelica's Smile

Original Characters : Kara Michelle

Comments : The community's international man of mystery.

Registration date : 2008-09-11

Back to top Go down

Re: First draft of chapters 1-3 of 119's as of yet unnamed fanfi

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum