119's fic, chapter three

View previous topic View next topic Go down

119's fic, chapter three

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Fri 9 Oct 2009 - 0:09

Here's chapter three of 119's fic. Also includes a revised edition of chapter 2. Please give feedback.






Chapter Two:
Somebody’s Gonna Pay For All This

The van sped down a highway leading out of Rome as Daniella weaved between traffic, doing at least ten miles over the speed limit. Amazingly, she didn’t so much as scrape another vehicle on the road.
After about five minutes, Daniella guided the vehicle onto an off ramp leading onto a country road with nothing on it except a complex of buildings. As the “government agent” drove the van into the parking lot of the complex, David was surprised to see hundreds of bullet holes and even a few large holes blown into the walls by some sort of explosion.
“I take it this isn’t the Italian Government’s usual décor”, David commented.
“Somebody’s attacked this place, probably those GMS guys you heard those Padania talking about ”, Daniella commented as she exited the van and opened a cello case she had with her.
Dani opened the case, revealing a G36C asssult rifle with a grenade launcher and a weapon David initially thought was an Uzi. “You take the shotgun.”, Dani said. “Shotgun?” David said, “All I see are a G36 and an Uzi.”
Daniella picked up the “Uzi” and said “MAG-7, South African-made combat shotgun, looks like an Uzi, but it’s actually pump-action shotgun with a five-round magazine”, Dani said as she quickly pointed out the locations of the safety and the magazine release.
Dave and Dani walked up to the entrance to the SWA building, and were greeted by unpleasant sight, a mess of blood, charred flesh, and the twisted remnants of a submachine gun, and most grisly of all, a severed female head that appeared to have red hair, though most of it had been burned away.
“Petra”, Dani said, “Looks like she was blown apart by an RPG……”
David looked around. “Might this be the culprit?”, David asked, picking up an AT-4 disposable rocket launcher tube on the ground some distance from Petra’s remains.
“Looks like it.”, Dani said, before continuing, I’ll go first, the bastards who did this might still be inside.”
“Wait a second”, David asked, “Look at the body, there are are machine parts and bits of metal in amongst the blood and gore. What the hell is she anyway?”
Dani ignore him and kicked down the door and pointed her gun first left, then right. “Looks clear to me”, Dani said. David kept his MAG-7 raised anyway as he entered.
The interior was strewn with bodies and the floor was covered in shell casings. The place also looked like it had been thoroughly searched, furniture overturned and doorways thrown open or even blown off their hinges with explosives. Dani and David walked upstairs to the second level, the dormitories. Inside one of the rooms was another body, a girl with an unusual whitish hair-color lying face down in from of a shattered window, a bullet hole in her forehead. Next to the dead body lay an M-16A1 assault rifle with an attached M-203 grenade launcher and a considerable cache of ammunition.
“Pia”, Daniella said, “Looks like they got her as well, judging from the shattered window and the lack of casings, I’d say it’s sniper fire……Somebody’s gonna pay for all this.”, Dani added as an afterthought.
David picked up Pia’s rifle and some ammunition before handing the MAG-7 back to Daniella. “I think this is more my style”, David said, as he loaded a fresh magazine into the weapon.
David and Daniella exited the room where Pia lay dead and checked several other rooms, all of them empty, and all of them having been ransacked, closets opened and beds stripped of their mattresses in search of someone hiding.
Around a corner, David and Dani found a five dead bodies in special forces gear, armed with M4 carbines with attached grenade launchers, SPAS-12 assault shotguns, and in one of their hands, a Desert Eagle.Two of the men carried AT4 CS confined space rocket launchers. The bodies surrounded by a large number of shell casings, all of them for armor piercing ammunition. On the shoulders of the dead men’s uniform was a patch that read “Global Military Solutions”. “Well that confirms what I heard”, David said, “Looks like the FRF really did hire Global Military Solutions to kill you”.
“Yeah”, Dani said, “But it looks like somebody managed to fight back. By the work of the bullet wounds on this one, I’d say this one took a long burst from an FN P90, I suspect Henrietta was involved. This, however, his body armor was penetrated by rifled slug from a shotgun, looks like Triela’s handiwork.”
As Dani said this, David examined an AT4 CS rocket launcher off the back of one of the dead men. “AT4 CS rocket launcher”, David said, “designed to be fired from a building without killing yourself in the backblast. Might come in handy…. And it’s pretty much idiot proof, so even I can use it!”, David continues as he pointed out labels pointing out the safety lever, with markings for “SAFE” and “ARM”, a label reading “TRIGGER”, detailed firing instructions, a label showing the proper way to hold the weapon and most laughably obvious of all, the instructions “Aim Towards Enemy”.
“How did you know all that?”, asked Dani.
“A combination of the Military Channel and reading the instructions”, David replied.
As David slung the AT4 over his shoulder, he noticed a sheet of paper in the pockets of one of the dead men. Upon examining it, David realized it had several photos of various people on the list. The first was a blond haired girl of about 14 labeled as “Triela”. Next to Triela was Henrietta, a brown haired girl of about eight or nine. Beside her was a face David recognized, that of Pia, the dead girl who’s M16 he was now carrying. The first pic on the next line was a black haired girl with glasses, “Frieda Claes Johannson”, with a note stating she was often known simply as “Claes”. Then their was an unusually named blonde girl, Rico, the redhead, Petrushka, and finally, Daniella. Also on the list of pictures were several men, among them a Guiseppe and Jean Croce, who looked like brothers and Victor Hartmann, code named “Hillshire”.
“Daniella, you might want to look at this”, David said, “I think it’s a list of targets, but I still don’t understand why all the girls are marked as “Cyborg- extremely dangerous”.
Suddenly, a door at the end of the hall flew open. A blonde haired girl wielding a Winchester 1892 shotgun with a bayonet attached stood in front of the door, weapon raised. “Triela!, it’s me Daniella, don’t shoot”, Dani said.











Chapter Three

Triela lowered her weapon slowly and asked “So, Daniella, whose your friend over there”.
Daniella and David explained the present situation as Triela lead us into the room and introduced him to the girls that were in the room with her, Henrietta, a brown haired girl younger than Triela or Dani, about 10 years old by her appearences, armed with and FN P90 submachine gun, Rico, a girl of about 12, with short blonde hair. Rico was carrying a MG3 machine gun and had an SVD Dragunov sniper rifle slung over her shoulder. Finally, there was Claes, a black haired girl with a pair of glasses in her pocket. Claes wielded a VP-70 selective fire pistol with a shoulder stock.
Suddenly, the sound of armored vehicle treads broke the silence. Claes looked out the open window and said “One Oto Melara Infantry Armored Fighting Vehicle and two IVECO Light Multirole Vehicles with Italian markings, looks friendly to me”. David took a look at the vehicle, the AIFV looked identical an M113 APC, while the LMVs looked a bit like Humvees, only slightly longer and narrower. The gunner on one of the APCs took aim and the window as the LMVs drove out of sight, presumably to flank the building. Claes and David dove out of the way as the gunner started shooting. 12.7mm rounds flew over their heads as Rico got up and took aim with her Dragunov.
The sniper rifle gave of a loud CRACK as the machine gun fire stopped.
David got up and removed the transport safety pin on his AT4, then lowered the shoulder stop and foregrip, his back to the wall next to the windowsill, as Rico sniped a second man who attemped to mount the machine gun on the enemy APC. David folded down the sights and took aim, holding the launcher exactly as it showed in the picture. David cocked the AT4 and turned on the spot, now he was looking out the window. He lowered the launcher so that the APC was dead in his sights.
David held his breath as he held down the safety and pressed the red firing button.
The AT4 went off with a great roar. The rocket flew out of the tube torwards the enemy APC as the saltwater and plastic shaving countermass designed to control the backblast was shot out of the back, dousing Daniella, Henrietta, and Triela in saltwater and covering them in plastic shavings. The high explosive anti-tank round slammed into the hostile APC, sending it up in a ball of fire.
David picked up his M16 as a saltwater soaked, plastic shaving-covered Daniella said “Stay inside!, We’ll take it from here”.
Daniella ran out of the room, G36 Assault Rifle raised, closely followed by Triela, Rico, Henrietta, and Claes.
A couple minutes later, the sound of machine gun fire started up. It was impossible to tell who was winning the battle being on the other side of the building. David stood in a corner of the room, M16 pointed at the door, set to fully automatic fire, ready to shred any enemy soldier that somehow got past the mysteriously well-armed girls.
After five minutes, the gunfire did not let up. David could not take the suspense any longer, leveled his M16 at his hip and ran out of the room, sidestepping corners, ready to fire on any enemies around the corner.
He ran to a second floor window that he though might have a view of the battle.
The room had a window looking out over the parking lot, about fifty yards away from the battle. The GMS IVECO LMVs were in plain sight. The GMS soldiers manning the guns on the IVECOs fired on a brick wall, where Henrietta and Daniella took cover, while a squad of GMS soldiers advanced on Triela.
David took aim at Triela’s assailants from out the window, but before he could open fire, the blonde haired girl raised her Winchester shotgun and fired a rifled slug right through the armor of a GMS merc, killing him instantly. Triela did a series of amazingly fast rolls as the GMS mercenaries took aim at her, firing off more shotgun slugs, killing three more GMS soldiers.
Triela lunged at the last two of her attackers, thrusting her bayonet into the first one. The second GMS soldier struck Triela hard in the chest with his M4 carbine, knocking her to the ground. The soldier then went in for the kill with his combat knife. Though David could not tell from the distance, the soldier was preparing to thrust the blade right into her eye.
The soldier thrusted his blade at Triela, but the blade pierced not flesh, but soil. Triela had rolled out of the way. As the soldier pulled his blade from the soil, Triela got up and struck the enemy soldier in the back of his head with her fist, before stomping on the dead soldiers head so hard, she broke his neck, to make sure he was dead.
As David watched this spectacle, he was sure of thing, whatever Daniella, Triela, and the others were, they were no ordinary girls.
A sniper round came from the fourth floor of same building David was in, followed by a burst of machine gun fire, cutting down three GMS solders. “Probably Rico and Claes”, David thought.
One of the machine gunners on the LMVs turned the turret towards the building.

David smashed a hole in the window just wide enough to fit the M203 attached to his M16 with the butt of his rifle through as the machine gun on the IVECO raked the fourth floor. David loaded a grenade into the launcher and took aim slightly above the enemy LMC.
He had seen an M203 fired on The Military Channel many times, and he knew the rounds had a ballistic trajectory. He squeezed the trigger on the launcher.
At once, the M203 let off a loud thud and kicked back with a powerful force as the grenade was propelled towards the enemy. The grenade exploded in a flash of fire and white smoke.
The gunner on the LRV jumped frantically out of the turret, his uniform on fire. The interior of the LRV was also in flames. The burning GMS soldier frantically tried to put himself out, but, too late, a burst from one of the girl’s weapons cut him down.
David looked at the effect of his grenade, momentarily puzzled, before he realized he hadn’t checked the type of grenade he had loaded into the launcher. He must have put in a white phosphorous round.
The flames reached the fuel tank of the IVECO and the vehicle exploded in a ball of flames. David dove to the floor and crawled towards the door, figuring his grenade had drawn unwanted attention.
As David crawled across the threshold of the room, he heard bullets whizzing over his head. David crawled as fast as he could down the hallway, not daring to get up.
Suddenly, David heard the sound of a second grenade launcher firing, followed by the thunderous sound of the detonation.
Mere seconds after the explosion, the gunfire seemed to stop. David slowly got up and started walking towards a window when he heard a female voice angrily yell “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING OUT THERE!?!? YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN ALL OF US KILLED!”
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: 119's fic, chapter three

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Thu 15 Oct 2009 - 21:48

Seriously, I'm surprised this hasn't gotten any comments yet.
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: 119's fic, chapter three

Post by Danjo3 on Fri 16 Oct 2009 - 12:17

You won’t get comments on every chapter you post Spartan, but don’t take it personally. If you really want feedback, you might try picking out a couple of authors you like and shooting them a PM.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


“I don’t hate him specifically, it’s the rest of you selfish adults I hold a grudge against.”
avatar
Danjo3
The Voice of Reason

Male

Forum Posts : 2609

Fan of : Hillshire/Triela

Original Characters : Biff & Little Britney

Comments : OC hater par excellence.

Registration date : 2007-09-14

Back to top Go down

Re: 119's fic, chapter three

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Fri 16 Oct 2009 - 15:15

@Danjo3 wrote:You won’t get comments on every chapter you post Spartan, but don’t take it personally. If you really want feedback, you might try picking out a couple of authors you like and shooting them a PM.
Now that I think about it, I was kinda basing the amount of commentary I should get on things like your Biff and Britney threads, which get at least few comments after every installment. That was obviously too ambitious, as Biff and Brit are probably among the more popular OCs on this site, along with Fernando, Rachel, Frederick, Muffin, etc.
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: 119's fic, chapter three

Post by Guest on Fri 16 Oct 2009 - 23:58

Sorry mate, I took a read but didna get back with the feed Embarassed

You like to focus on the action and the weaponry, which is cool, but it sometimes gets bogged down in the technical details.


Just as an aside, for something like:

“How did you know all that?”, asked Dani.
“A combination of the Military Channel and reading the instructions”, David replied.


I'd lol at something like:

David winked, "I'm just that good, baby."

instead, just for how awesome it would be, hah

Keep pluggin away Wink

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: 119's fic, chapter three

Post by Kiskaloo on Sat 17 Oct 2009 - 10:43

But if David said "I'm just that good, baby" then he drops right back into the "Marty Sue" trope which isn't good if SPARTAN is not playing David for laughs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What? I like donuts! - Betty Suarez
If I die before my time, go on Oprah and tell the world 'I liked kittens'. - Veronica Mars
Scissors of victory! - Yui Hirasawa
avatar
Kiskaloo
A Cat of Many Talents

Male

Forum Posts : 10889

Location : Seattle / Tokyo / Milan

Fan of : Angelica's Smile

Original Characters : Kara Michelle

Comments : The community's international man of mystery.

Registration date : 2008-09-11

Back to top Go down

Re: 119's fic, chapter three

Post by Guest on Sat 17 Oct 2009 - 15:11

Och, I see what you mean. But that's kinda the feeling I get from the original line as well. Maybe it can be excised entirely. Cause to me it seems Marty-ish to be so proficient and knowledgeable.

*shrug* I dunno. As you say, it all depends on how spartan wishes to portray him.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: 119's fic, chapter three

Post by ElfenMagix on Sat 17 Oct 2009 - 22:33

@SPARTAN 119 wrote:
@Danjo3 wrote:You won’t get comments on every chapter you post Spartan, but don’t take it personally. If you really want feedback, you might try picking out a couple of authors you like and shooting them a PM.
Now that I think about it, I was kinda basing the amount of commentary I should get on things like your Biff and Britney threads, which get at least few comments after every installment. That was obviously too ambitious, as Biff and Brit are probably among the more popular OCs on this site, along with Fernando, Rachel, Frederick, Muffin, etc.
Lets Take A Vote on That!!!

OK... That being done, have you read the works only displayed here or on Fanfiction.net too?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Fernando had Super Powers, He would be God!
avatar
ElfenMagix

Male

Forum Posts : 5667

Location : NYC NY, USA

Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...

Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca

Comments : He has super powers. He is God.

Registration date : 2007-09-21

Back to top Go down

Re: 119's fic, chapter three

Post by Danjo3 on Sun 18 Oct 2009 - 10:07

@ElfenMagix wrote:OK... That being done, have you read the works only displayed here or on Fanfiction.net too?
You also might want to consider posting your story there. It’s a good way to get reviews from people outside of the forum.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


“I don’t hate him specifically, it’s the rest of you selfish adults I hold a grudge against.”
avatar
Danjo3
The Voice of Reason

Male

Forum Posts : 2609

Fan of : Hillshire/Triela

Original Characters : Biff & Little Britney

Comments : OC hater par excellence.

Registration date : 2007-09-14

Back to top Go down

Re: 119's fic, chapter three

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Sun 18 Oct 2009 - 22:11

@Danjo3 wrote:
@ElfenMagix wrote:OK... That being done, have you read the works only displayed here or on Fanfiction.net too?
You also might want to consider posting your story there. It’s a good way to get reviews from people outside of the forum.
I was planning on posting in on ff.net after I posted a few more chapters here, if a decent percentage of the reviews are not OMFG Stu! or something like that. Also, I am rather busy with real life at the moment.
avatar
SPARTAN 119

Male

Forum Posts : 574

Registration date : 2009-08-24

Back to top Go down

Re: 119's fic, chapter three

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum