Emilio and Rico fic excerpt

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Emilio and Rico fic excerpt

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Sun 18 Oct 2009 - 22:29

Jean and Rico sat in a van outside the Hotel Villa Gradi, Rico having just returned from scouting the area for tomorrow's mission. "Rico", Jean asked, "Did anyone see you?" "No sir", the cyborg replied. "Rico, if anyone sees you", Jean said, "you......". Suddenly a flash of fire lit up a fifth floor window of the hotel. A deafening whizzinng filled the air as Rico yelled "R....P...G!!!!!!", before diving out of the van's window, her cybernetically enhanced strength and speed allowing her to easily jump through the vans window, shattering the glass, and roll to safety. Behind her, the van she was in mere seconds earlier was reduced to twisted, burning steel. Rico turned on the spot "Jean!" Rico exclaimed in horror as she saw the state her handler was in. Jean lay on the pavement in a pool of his own blood, barely clinging to life, both his legs blown clean off. "Rico.....", Jean said weakly, "Fine the people who did this to me........and..... make them.....pay....." As his final words left his mouth, Jean collapsed on the pavement.

The first paragraph of my Rico and Emilio fic, an alternate ending to the second chapter of the manga and (i think) the second episode. Featuring our a familiar organization from my other fic..... *cough* GMS *cough*

So what do you guys think.


Last edited by SPARTAN 119 on Mon 19 Oct 2009 - 0:28; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : fixing typo)
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Re: Emilio and Rico fic excerpt

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 18 Oct 2009 - 22:52

Rico would never leave Jean behind. She'd shove him out the window, first.

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Re: Emilio and Rico fic excerpt

Post by emperor on Mon 19 Oct 2009 - 0:08

Jean's lay on the pavement in a pool of his own blood, barely clinging to life, both his legs blown clean off.

I would really pleased if Yu Ida drawn this in real.

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Re: Emilio and Rico fic excerpt

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Mon 19 Oct 2009 - 0:26

@Kiskaloo wrote:Rico would never leave Jean behind. She'd shove him out the window, first.
I had to find a way to get rid of Jean before he gave the order to kill Emilio somehow. Although perhaps I should have the RPG hit the van as Rico is returning to the van.

Also, @ emperor: It would be awesome if Aida drew this, it would be truly Full of Win if he made an alternate ending to the anime based off this, because then I'd be able to make an AMV with this song:



I can see it now:

"Ha Ha You're Dead" (Jean lying on the pavement)
"The joke is over"
"You were an asshole" (Scene of Rico after Jean beat her up)
"And now you're gone" (cut back to Jean lying dead on the pavement)
"As you're ship is going down I'll stand by and watch you drown" (legless Jean writhing in a pool of blood in his last moments of life"

Yeah, you can probably tell I never liked Jean much...
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Re: Emilio and Rico fic excerpt

Post by Nachtsider on Mon 19 Oct 2009 - 1:05

It's kinda abrupt. And unpolished.

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Re: Emilio and Rico fic excerpt

Post by sasahara17 on Mon 19 Oct 2009 - 8:44

I felt it was kinda forced to be honest. The sheer abruptness of Jean's demise is kinda jarring. Having a key character, especially Jean, die so soon at the start of a story just for the sake of derailing canon leaves me felling underwhelmed. Jean may be a jerk, but even he deserves a better end than dying at start of the prologue.

Try putting some WAFF before that between Rico and Emilio, just to show the reader that 'hey this is what the story is about', then move on to killing Jean and sparing Emilio. I'd recommend you put some Jean 'famous-last-words' introspection as well, but if you think that eats up too much...

This is the kind of thing you see at cliff-hangers, not at the start.

Also, break up your paragraphs some so we don't have one big block of text, and look out for spelling mistakes (not that I am one to talk). Hope this advise helps.

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Re: Emilio and Rico fic excerpt

Post by ElfenMagix on Mon 19 Oct 2009 - 18:00

Like the epic battle between Jean and Fernando in Solution's Resolution until Fernando broke Jean's cybernetic arm?

Jean is not THAT EASY to KILL!!!!

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