The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Robert Frazer on Tue 7 Jun 2011 - 20:56

I LOVE the idea of tying it in as an heirloom for the agency - something for future "students" to see, read up on, and honor for the duration of their existence.

It's always fulfilling to have some silverware with which to accrue the glory of your unit. The mess at my OTC had some Zulu spears mounted on the wall. The General Danced At Dawn probably said it best...

"...I have known messes where subalterns felt they had to drink hard stuff for fear of being though cissies, but in a Highland mess nobody presses anybody. For one thing, no senior officer with a whiskey throat wants to see his single malt being wasted on a pink and eager one-pipper.

Presently the Colonel would knock his pipe out and limp into the dining room, and we would follow him to sit around the huge white table. I have never seen a table like it, and never expect to; Lord Mayor's banquets, college dinners, and American conventions at 100 dollars a plate may surpass it in spectacular grandeur, but when you sat down at this table you were conscious of sitting at a dinner that had lasted for centuries.

The table was a mass of silver: the horse's-hoof snuff-box that was a relic of the few minutes at Waterloo when the regiment broke Napoleon's cavalry, and Wellington himself took off his hat and said 'Thank you, gentlemen'; the set of spoons from some forgotten Indian palace with strange gods carved on the handles; the great bowl, magnificently engraved, presented by an American infanty regiment in Normandy, and the little quaich that had been found in the dust at Magersfontein; loot that had come from Vienna, Moscow, Berlin, Rome, the Taku Forts, and God knows where, some direct and some via French, Prussian, Polish, Spanish, and other regiments from half the countries on Earth - stolen, presented, captured, bought, won, given, taken, and acquired by accident. It was priceless, and as you sat and contemplated it you could almost feel the shades elbowing you around the table.

At any rate, it enabled us to get through the tinned tomato soup, rissoles and jam tart...
"

That wonder at the depth of experience, at once awesome but also quite quieting and humbling, was definitely evoked in my mind when the decoration was given at the end of the story.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Wed 8 Jun 2011 - 20:46

@Robert Frazer wrote: It's always fulfilling to have some silverware with which to accrue the glory of your unit. The mess at my OTC had some Zulu spears mounted on the wall. The General Danced At Dawn probably said it best...
It sounds impressive. Unfortunately was US Air Force tenure was devoid of such physical connections to history. The USAF switches squadron numbers around at will and with no predictable method to their madness.

Example; When the last F-4 unit in USAFE (United States Air Forces in Europe), the 81st Fighter Squadron closed an A-10 unit, the 510th FS was brought in to take their place. However, it was decided that in order to preserve the history of the 81st FS the 510th would change names...becoming the new 81st. Nothing was preserved, all that happed was a number swap.

So the lower numbers, signifying older units take priority, right? Not the case.
When my old unit, the 23rd Fighter Squadron was deactivated the personnel & jets were merged with the 22nd FS next door, forming a new unit called the 480th FS. Ironically, this is a number previously held by the 22nd...they had to swap numbers in 1993 to preserve the history of the 22nd.

Confused? All I know is that the person making these decisions makes more money than I do.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Odon on Fri 10 Jun 2011 - 6:46

She'd been sleeping since the (they'd) crossed the Belgian boarder (border)
Also here:
"Someone has been asleep since the Belgian boarder"

"Bonjour," he greeted, coming to his feet slowly, "you must be the Italians who have come to help. And so you should, Fascist backstabbers of 1940!"

"Oy! We're British!"

"Even more so, foul assassins of our sailors at Mers-el-Kebir!"

where (should be 'were') quickly set upon by a trio of young skinheads.
You mention the action here before it actually happens. How about: "were suddenly confronted by a trio of young skinheads."

I finished your portrait of Mr. Blacker
So which one of these was it?

"Absolutely nothing" the older girl confessed, "but Triela will go batty trying to figure it out."
Heh heh. Evil Monty!

And a luvly d'awww at the end.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Robert Frazer on Fri 10 Jun 2011 - 7:19

And so you should, Fascist backstabbers of 1940!"

He probably just didn't want to occasion them any embarrassment. Italy's 1940 Alpine campaign is one of the most hilarious battles of the Second World War and is a singular proof, if any were needed, of the country's terminal military incompetence.

The BEF has evacuated. Italy begins its invasion a week after Germany enters Paris. They outnumber the French forces stationed in the region by twenty to one. Marshal Petain has offered an armistice. They're confronting a country that's, literally, already beaten.

Italy still loses.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Fri 10 Jun 2011 - 15:20

@Odon wrote:
She'd been sleeping since the (they'd) crossed the Belgian boarder (border)
Also here:
"Someone has been asleep since the Belgian boarder"
Well, Mari was sleeping so technically she was boarding in the car...okay that was feeble. Changes made.
"Oy! We're British!"
Marisa: I'm Italian!

Elio: Eh...we have to talk about that, Mari. In a future episode...

where (should be 'were') quickly set upon by a trio of young skinheads.
You mention the action here before it actually happens. How about: "were suddenly confronted by a trio of young skinheads."
Again, thanks for the sharp eye. The spelling is corrected but I think the term "set upon" still fits...implying that they were menaced by the skinheads before blows were thrown.
@Robert Frazer wrote:Italy's 1940 Alpine campaign is one of the most hilarious battles of the Second World War and is a singular proof, if any were needed, of the country's terminal military incompetence.
Let's see Avise do that one in miniature...

Agapita: (wiping plaster from her blow) 100 kilos of papier-mâché mountains...over 1000 tiny trees...2,500 individually hand-painted soldiers. It's done.

Michele: Eh, sorry to burst your bubble but this isn't even close to the way the history book tells it. In fact you couldn't have been further off if you'd given the Italians giant fighting robots.

Agapita: W-w-whaaat?

Avise: Sticking to the official history is unoriginal. My artistic pieces explore the hypothetical.

Agapita: B-but sir...Ms. Ferro was giving me extra credit for working on this after I failed her last test due to the advice you gave me! She's grading me on this!

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Odon on Fri 10 Jun 2011 - 18:47

@Professor Voodoo wrote:
Michele: In fact you couldn't have been further off if you'd given the Italians giant fighting robots.

Libya 1941. Colonel Croce tries desperately to restart his underarmoured, underpowered Italian army mecha as General Wavell's troops advance inexorably towards him.

Croce: I must run away, I must run away, I must run away!

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Alfisti on Fri 10 Jun 2011 - 18:54

@Odon wrote:Libya 1941. Colonel Croce tries desperately to restart his underarmoured, underpowered Italian army mecha as General Wavell's troops advance inexorably towards him.

Croce: I must run away, I must run away, I must run away!
How many gears does an Italian mecha have?

Spoiler:
One forward, seven reverse

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Fri 10 Jun 2011 - 20:21

@Alfisti wrote:
@Odon wrote:Libya 1941. Colonel Croce tries desperately to restart his underarmoured, underpowered Italian army mecha as General Wavell's troops advance inexorably towards him.

Croce: I must run away, I must run away, I must run away!
How many gears does an Italian mecha have?

Spoiler:
One forward, seven reverse

Spoiler:

That's one more forward gear than a French one.

Monty & Kara: "We heard that!"


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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by ChaosKin640 on Fri 10 Jun 2011 - 20:27

@Kiskaloo wrote:
@Alfisti wrote:
@Odon wrote:Libya 1941. Colonel Croce tries desperately to restart his underarmoured, underpowered Italian army mecha as General Wavell's troops advance inexorably towards him.

Croce: I must run away, I must run away, I must run away!
How many gears does an Italian mecha have?

Spoiler:
One forward, seven reverse

Spoiler:

That's one more forward gear than a French one.

Monty & Kara: "We heard that!"

Lucy: Hey, what about me? I'm French too, you know?

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Robert Frazer on Fri 10 Jun 2011 - 20:40

She's not French, she's Internetian, identified more by her ISP than by her nation. Razz

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by ChaosKin640 on Fri 10 Jun 2011 - 21:04

Well, you have a point there. Although in that case, she could probably make it look like her ISP is coming from the planet Vulcan if she wanted to.

Lucy: Okay, okay, laugh it up boys. But just so you, know, all of this talk about Italian battle-mechs has inspired me; and between Allison's mechanical engineering and fabrication skills, my software and hardware programming expertise and Kara's financial backing, you just might find yourselves surprised at what we come up with.
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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by ElfenMagix on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 0:03

@ChaosKin640 wrote:Well, you have a point there. Although in that case, she could probably make it look like her ISP is coming from the planet Vulcan if she wanted to.

Lucy: Okay, okay, laugh it up boys. But just so you, know, all of this talk about Italian battle-mechs has inspired me; and between Allison's mechanical engineering and fabrication skills, my software and hardware programming expertise and Kara's financial backing, you just might find yourselves surprised at what we come up with.
Rachel: I heard better promises from boys wanting to get into my panties.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Alfisti on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 3:54

As far as I can tell; Marisa's capable of turning out much better work than what's displayed on that page. Wink


Alright... so, the bits of CH17 I've not already commented on...

@Professor Voodoo wrote:The young boy, just recently turned 9 years old held his violin bow
carefully and picked his way through the waltz from Mozart's Sonata in A
Major
Allusion to Henrietta's playing of the violin that he will encounter in later life?

Father, Mr. Gandhi was a great deal more than a babbling guru. For my
entire childhood you forced me to sit in church and listen to the Vicar
pour on about the virtues of peace & charity but in all my life I
have seen only one man who has actually done something about those things and that is Mr. Gandhi!
From Gandhi's teachings to The Godfather... that's one hell of a life change.

The 9 year old did not flinch. "You are a guest in my
Mother's
flat, rude and unworthy though you may be" Elio told him, "I don't see
one reason she wastes her time being kind to you...I only do it myself
because of her."
I'll admit that in the interests of time I
didn't give this early section more than a cursory look over when you
emailed the chapter to me, but reading it again now: this is very mature
wording for a 9 year old through the passage. That said, it's also needed to give the
statement the impact that it has.

You are however revoked of all rights to accusing me of making Monty too mature for her age.

but just 30 minutes into Tora, Tora, Tora (not technically a
Kurosawa film, Elio admitted) her eyelids began to get heavy. World War
Two naval & airborne warfare did not hold for her the same appeal as
samurai battles, and though she tried valiantly to stay awake it was
not long before the young cyborg was limp as a boned fish.
Elio: And thank God that plan worked.

The Chief gave a mischievous grin and replied "I figured just this one
time I'd abuse my government credentials to cut through security."
Worst comes to worst he could just commandeer a helicopter.

The new fellow, Darme is sticking around to help them too.
Good to see this bit of "people management" happening as well. I think it's easy to forget that Lorenzo's job is mostly people management rather than operational.

"Sir, it's getting late. You might be able to cut through airport
security with your credentials but they won't help us in rush-hour
traffic. We need to get going."
You, young man, just want to drive the Maserati don't you?


And now skipping to the end.

"If given seven decades I could not ever thank you enough for your help.
It should be you and your absent companions Monique & Monsieur
Blacker traveling to Paris to be fêted for this triumph."
I still think Monty's going to be apocalypticly cross if she ever finds out her name was brought up in front of the DGSE.

As Odon noted: epid "daww" moment at the end.

Thanks again for giving J+M a role in this as well.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 5:00

Wow...you've gotten a massive amount of reviewing posted in these last 24 hours!
@Alfisti wrote: Allusion to Henrietta's playing of the violin that he will encounter in later life?
Nobody at the Agency, including Marisa, knows Elio was trained on the violin as a child but he will discuss it with Henrietta in an upcoming episode.
From Gandhi's teachings to The Godfather... that's one hell of a life change.
Sure is. Elio intensely respects men who can live such principled lives but the winds of fate have just pushed him into a life consisting of the complete opposite. In the Idyllic Lives AU universe I had both he & Marisa swear off violence in their new civilian lives.
I'll admit that in the interests of time I didn't give this early section more than a cursory look over when you
emailed the chapter to me, but reading it again now: this is very mature
wording for a 9 year old through the passage. That said, it's also needed to give the
statement the impact that it has.
Perhaps I was going for deeper psychology than really deserves to be in a fanfiction. This is Elio's memory of the event. If you could go back in a time machine and witness the scene exactly as it happened young Elio's language probably would have been much simpler, but over the ensuing 47 years Elio has forgotten the exact words so his adult mind paraphrases in adult language.

Yeah, maybe I was reaching a bit too far with that.
You are however revoked of all rights to accusing me of making Monty too mature for her age.
I still reserve the right to push Monty out of her comfort zone!
World War Two naval & airborne warfare did not hold for her the same appeal as samurai battles, and though she tried valiantly to stay awake it was not long before the young cyborg was limp as a boned fish.
Elio: And thank God that plan worked.
Elio is in for a long night when Mari finishes J.R.R. Tolkien's books and finally watches Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings movies.
You, young man, just want to drive the Maserati don't you?
Inside forum joke. Sometimes I wonder if people who don't visit this site understand half of what we write.
I still think Monty's going to be apocalypticly cross if she ever finds out her name was brought up in front of the DGSE.
You mentioned that in our correspondence but never mentioned specifically why. Is there something about the DGSE?
Thanks again for giving J+M a role in this as well.
I'll admit, they are the most difficult "guest fratello" I've ever written but it was well worth the effort to get them right. Thanks for your help with that.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by ChaosKin640 on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 5:07

@ElfenMagix wrote:
@ChaosKin640 wrote:Well, you have a point there. Although in that case, she could probably make it look like her ISP is coming from the planet Vulcan if she wanted to.

Lucy: Okay, okay, laugh it up boys. But just so you, know, all of this talk about Italian battle-mechs has inspired me; and between Allison's mechanical engineering and fabrication skills, my software and hardware programming expertise and Kara's financial backing, you just might find yourselves surprised at what we come up with.
Rachel: I heard better promises from boys wanting to get into my panties.
Lucy: Oh yeah? Well you'll see! You'll all see! You will all rue the day you besmirched and belittled the scientific brilliance of Lucretia Madeline Desimone!
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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Alfisti on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 5:33

@Professor Voodoo wrote:Wow...you've gotten a massive amount of reviewing posted in these last 24 hours!
I finished off the last page of lineart for Issue05 of J+M... so I've been madly trying to catch up on everything I've been throwing on the back-burner in order to churn that out.

@Professor Voodoo wrote:
I still think Monty's going to be apocalypticly cross if she ever finds out her name was brought up in front of the DGSE.
You mentioned that in our correspondence but never mentioned specifically why. Is there something about the DGSE?
Not the DGSE specifically, just any foreign (and even some domestic) intelligence agencies. On planet J+M there is no such thing as a "friendly" intelligence agency, just one that happens to find being nice at this particular moment to suit its agenda.

More to the point though, they are very careful to keep Monty's cyborg nature under wraps. So while the DGSE know about the SWA here, J+M would prefer it if they were not aware that they, Jethro and Monty, are associated with/part of it. For similar reasons Monty tends to avoid using her cyborg capabilities unless absolutely necessary. Though it hasn't come up yet, J+M will run away rather than reveal Monty's capabilities at the wrong moment.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Odon on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 8:50

it was not long before the cyborg was as limp as a boned fish.

For some strange reason I kept thinking of an orc saying that...

But then again, we can't keep saying "like a puppet whose strings had been cut". It's becoming a GsG fanfic cliche. Smile

By the way, who was the (presumably conditioned) DGSE girl?

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by ChaosKin640 on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 15:34

By the way, who was the (presumably conditioned) DGSE girl?
My suspicions are that it was Kiskaloo's re-envisioned version of his OC Noel, who in her new form is the prototype for the French government's cyborg program.
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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 18:58

@ChaosKin640 wrote:
@Odon wrote:By the way, who was the (presumably conditioned) DGSE girl?
My suspicions are that it was Kiskaloo's re-envisioned version of his OC Noel, who in her new form is the prototype for the French government's cyborg program.
Chaos shoots and scores. Yes, that was a cameo for Noël, her handler Christophe Sarrazin and DGSE agent Armande...all Kiskaloo characters.
@Odon wrote:
it was not long before the cyborg was as limp as a boned fish.
For some strange reason I kept thinking of an orc saying that...
That is a line from Peter Jackson's third LOTRs film, where Shelob the spider stings & paralyzes Frodo and he is found by Orcs.

Marisa: (a big fan of anything involving swords) That scene actually takes place in the second book.
Lucy: Oh yeah? Well you'll see! You'll all see! You will all rue the day you besmirched and belittled the scientific brilliance of Lucretia Madeline Desimone!
Melanie: Be honest. Not all of your experiments are successful.

Lucy: Yeah, I guess. My plan to make espresso with pure Red Bull instead of water didn't turn out well.

Kara: What about your test subject? Was she okay?

Lucy: Well...she lived but she's a little off.

Marisa: (vibrating furiously) ErrrrNnnnGggggggggggggNnnnnnGgggggg, I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!

Anyone who understands that one is dating themselves!

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Officer_Charon on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 19:02

@Professor Voodoo wrote:
e] Lucy: Oh yeah? Well you'll see! You'll all see! You will all rue the day you besmirched and belittled the scientific brilliance of Lucretia Madeline Desimone!
Melanie: Be honest. Not all of your experiments are successful.

Lucy: Yeah, I guess. My plan to make espresso with pure Red Bull instead of water didn't turn out well.

Kara: What about your test subject? Was she okay?

Lucy: Well...she lived but she's a little off.

Marisa: (vibrating furiously) ErrrrNnnnGggggggggggggNnnnnnGgggggg, I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!


Mother of God..... quickly, for the love of all that is caffeinated, someone draw Cornholio-Marisa o_O


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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Alfisti on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 19:12

@Professor Voodoo wrote:Lucy: Yeah, I guess. My plan to make espresso with pure Red Bull instead of water didn't turn out well.
I've actually seen someone attempt to make coffee on Red Bull... uni does that.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 20:08

@ChaosKin640 wrote:Lucy: Oh yeah? Well you'll see! You'll all see! You will all rue the day you besmirched and belittled the scientific brilliance of Lucretia Madeline Desimone!

Cue the Western Scientist from the "A Tale of Two Robots -- Chapter 3: Foreign Invasion" segment of Robot Carnival.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by ElfenMagix on Sun 12 Jun 2011 - 0:43

@Odon wrote:But then again, we can't keep saying "like a puppet whose strings had been cut". It's becoming a GsG fanfic cliche. Smile

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Mon 30 Jul 2012 - 17:41

At long last, a new Marisa & Elio adventure!
#18: An-225

In this episode...
-Elio wants to spend the day taking a long ride.
-Elio does not get to take a long ride.
-Kara does a 3-point turn.
-Agapita wears glasses.
-Henrietta skins her knee.
-And Amelia dumps out a whole bunch of fruit cocktail bowls.

Enjoy!

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Officer_Charon on Mon 30 Jul 2012 - 19:10

EXCELLENT!!! Will start reading momentarily

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 30 Jul 2012 - 19:23

New Robert Frazer AND Professor Voodoo fiction?

Spoiler:


OH YEAH!




Last edited by Kiskaloo on Mon 30 Jul 2012 - 19:40; edited 1 time in total

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Officer_Charon on Mon 30 Jul 2012 - 19:40

My sentiments exactly.

Spoiler:
Very nicely done - I loved the "herding cats" perspective of Elio at the airport... I can relate, having worked with kids as a Scoutmaster and Young Marines Drill Instructor. *grins*

One caveat - in bomb situations, police are trained to not utilize radio equipment, lest the trigger frequency be the same one utilized by their radios. In situations like that, it's cell phones or nothing. But I think, for the sake of dramatic tension, that worked out rather nicely! *grins*

And I really liked the ending - the poignant image of Elio, having been successful in his impromptu mission and saved any number of civilian lives, riding off into the cold rainy night alone... it struck a chord.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 30 Jul 2012 - 21:00

Absolutely brilliant, as is all your work.

I say it every time you write her, but I so love how you work with Kara in your stories. And to have Agapita with her, as well - bonus.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Mon 30 Jul 2012 - 21:18

@Officer_Charon wrote:in bomb situations, police are trained to not utilize radio equipment
There's about a thousand holes that could be poked in that climax scene, but I'll keep that in mind next time the bomb squad girls make an appearance.
@Kiskaloo wrote:I so love how you work with Kara in your stories.
I thought for sure you were going to point out that Michele is wise enough to have Kara on an "unlimited minutes" cell phone plan. Razz

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 30 Jul 2012 - 21:21

@Professor Voodoo wrote:
@Kiskaloo wrote:I so love how you work with Kara in your stories.

I thought for sure you were going to point out that Michele is wise enough to have Kara on an "unlimited minutes" cell phone plan. Razz

That's why I love how you write her. She's a "big sister" to many of the girls and a natural leader, but she still is a teenage girl and makes some poor decisions and downright bone-headed moves now and then, as well. I also like how she hesitates when outside her comfort level, but knuckles down and pulls through.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Alfisti on Tue 31 Jul 2012 - 5:54

Well it's about bloody time...

Nice mate. Had a skim, so more thoughts to come.

Also, Monty says Kara and Agapita need to learn the fine art of acting like you own the place.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Tue 31 Jul 2012 - 11:03

@Alfisti wrote:Also, Monty says Kara and Agapita need to learn the fine art of acting like you own the place.

Kara: "If it had been the First Class Terminal at Frankfurt am Main Airport as opposed to the Cargo Terminal at Leonardo da Vinci-Fiumicino Airport, I'm confident I would have been able to hold my own." Razz

Seriously, that is a skill that Monty has expertly picked up from Jethro that Kara has yet to pick up from Michele.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by dragonfire238 on Fri 3 Aug 2012 - 20:26

you know I have alway wondered since I started reading the marisa episodes on fanfiction why such an awesome story ark didnt shit ton of reviews for each one, but now I know the feedback all comes from here.
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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Fri 3 Aug 2012 - 20:56

@dragonfire238 wrote:you know I have alway wondered since I started reading the marisa episodes on fanfiction why such an awesome story ark didnt shit ton of reviews for each one, but now I know the feedback all comes from here.
Once upon a time (long before I became a member) this fan group was based on FF.net...before Emperor started this forum.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kurosaka "Ery" Erika on Fri 3 Aug 2012 - 21:02

@Professor Voodoo wrote:
@dragonfire238 wrote:you know I have alway wondered since I started reading the marisa episodes on fanfiction why such an awesome story ark didnt shit ton of reviews for each one, but now I know the feedback all comes from here.
Once upon a time (long before I became a member) this fan group was based on FF.net...before Emperor started this forum.

you inspired me in my fanfiction development Prof. voodoo,if i only can return the favor to you....
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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by ElfenMagix on Sat 4 Aug 2012 - 14:24

Well done, Voodoo! I applaud to this installment!

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Robert Frazer on Sat 4 Aug 2012 - 21:02

Lorenzo shrugged, not pretending to understand why his house-mate would brave the chilly day on a motorcycle when he had a perfectly warm & dry 4-wheeled vehicle in the garage.

You have to learn to love the pain.

The Canadian was listening to Molly Hatchet's 1979 Flirtin' with Disaster album and Elio approved (even if they were an American band)

Elio is half-British - would he be that averse to American music?

. "Good, you're here!" Marisa panted, "There's something very important we have to do!" She slammed the paper down onto his desk, folded to display a photograph of a massive cargo aircraft taking off.

I like the breezy, natural way that this is handled. No need for big introductions as there's already a sense of ease and familiarity.

"It's not the fastest!" came a harsh whisper from the hallway.

Marisa getting carried away with the thrill of the thing and Kara's aeronautical background working against her are nice character details.

she had managed to exceed her available mobile phone minutes by a factor of triple, and was therefore restricted to compound for the weekend

It's a fun detail, although I wonder if it might be running up against the obey-your-handler part of the conditioning a little too directly.

"Oh, Avise thinks I'm taking a 15 kilometer road march today" she chirped, happy that this was not the truth. Elio covered his face with his palm in frustration, but her story was no worse than the two that preceded her so he just moved on. He'd argued politics with the right-leaning Avise Mancini just the other day, so the opportunity to help his cyborg conspire against him felt just a little bit too appealing to pass up.

Thanks for including Agapita in the story (and the situation suits her dislike of Avise's exercises, which come across a lot like busywork)... but good grief, I need to get Agapita into my next story. At this rate, everyone else is writing more about her than I am!



"Oh...No! I don't want to ride in the trunk!" protested Henrietta. Marisa too cast a distressed look at her handler, hoping desperately that nepotism would disqualify her from this indignity, but Amelia noticed Mr. Alboreto's motorcycle helmet sitting on the shelf behind him and gave her room-mate a subtle tug on the sleeve to let her know they were all being led on.

I really like these domestic dialogues of yours Voodoo, they have a very natural, authentic voice. I feel deficient in that respect, I just can't seem to find the ear for ordinary conversation.

the SWA contingent made their way down a muddy path

It's a small thing, but this little detail is a great way of establishing that we're far away from the passenger terminals and Duty-Free malls that most of us pass through in airports.

Alboreto saw little of this though; he was engaged in a never ending head count as his six young charges jostled for more favorable viewing space in the crowd.

Keeping track of holidaymakers is like herding cats - this entire section is very true-to-life!

Marisa finally tugged on his sleeve and said softly "Elio, none of us can see anything." He took a look around and admitted that she was right.

She does seem quite plaintive.

Ninety minutes later the cyborgs & civilian spectators watched as the massive one of a kind cargo plane lifted off and banked over the crowd dramatically.

I have to admit, I was kind of thinking that this story would be climaxing in a fight on top of the Antonov's fuselage or cyborg-sprinting after a bomb stuck to the wheels, but the way it is rounded off as an opening act probably works out better for a more atmospheric story than an overwrought actioner.

Cringing, Kara climbed forward and slid behind the wheel. Backing Michele's Lamborghini was difficult but at least that didn't require much room. This was the first time she'd have to maneuver something this big and pulling a U-turn in the middle of a traffic jam was less than a friendly learning environment.

Again, this rings true-to-life I was pretty nervous when I was first driving a minibus as well, the different positions and dimensions feel disorienting when you're used to an ordinary car; I was not a little fretful about scraping other cars.



"Mari, sit down and be quiet" Elio repeated, putting his hand on her head & pushing his cyborg into the back seat this time. "Grazie officers...Kara, roll ahead very slowly while I check the tires."

Good sense of setting.

take a peek at the log and get my notes straight for the Monday morning conference call with the Minister

I like the callback, good attention to detail.

a suggestion which did not meet with any resistance from Agapita once Kara volunteered to pay

Heh, it seems that Avise's homage to Mammon is rubbing off on his cyborg.

Yes it is," contended Mari, "that was a good one!" From that moment on the duo took turns sticking their heads into or sniffing around the door-seals of each cargo container and concocting new & revolting ways to describe the contents.

While the power-plant battle in the manga was momentous and dramatic, after however many chapters it lasted it did start to drag. I wish there was more time for this sort of inter-cyborg interaction in the official work. Again, you have a good ear for conversational dialogue. I really don't like my own dialogue - I'm always being niggled by the feeling that the characters are just making statements alternately, not actually talking to each other.

Temporarily disarmed, Agapita allowed her sister to slip the thick black frames onto her face and regarded herself in the mirror. "You really think so?"

I smiled at this. Like you say, it feels like siblings.



This is not super cool secret agent work" muttered Marisa, sitting down in front of a stack of crinkled paperwork.

Again, though, great sense of setting.



Amelia paused, as if recalling the exact tableau of aromas she had been experiencing in those two brief instants. "There is a strong ambient scent of aircraft exhaust in the area. A flightline vehicle was being driven with the parking brake engaged, I could smell the brake lining burning. Catering trucks passed both times, masking the scent with food odors. Petrushka's perfume is present at high concentrations...Kara's at slightly lower. One of the sightseers was accompanied by a service dog. Several cargo containers had been freshly paint..."

It's a nice description, with the unexpressive cyborg struggling to articulate her private perceptions, although the breadth of the description does go against your earlier statement that the bomb squad focused exclusively on explosives.

A catering truck had full access to the flightline...and it moved around so it easily could have slipped through Henrietta & Marisa's search of the area.

I noticed the mention of a catering truck earlier as well, nice lead-in.

Girls, hurry up out there! We have to get moving?"

My current job takes me to Salzburg Airport five or six times a week, and inconsiderate guests getting through baggage claim earlier often interrupt my cups of tea, the cads.

"Ruined my tights," sighed Henrietta, poking her finger through a bloody hole in the knee.

Well, she's got her priorities straight!

You lot get back to the van! Take this bloke I knocked out with you. Get away before security and those firefighters arrive!"

Knocked out? He stabbed him in the chest!

to his great relief he found the bomb-squad cyborg trying to put out the inferno with a single extinguisher bottle. It was not very effective.

God, that's adorable.



Croce simply answered "Those are her standing orders in such a situation."

"Jean..." Elio began to growl but the younger man cut him off.

"Of course, she did well. It's already in my notes for the Monday meeting. I'll see she's suitably rewarded." Jean got up and offered Elio a refill, but the gray bearded man put his hand over his cup.


Jean's mellowed out a bit (we all know he loves Rico really) but amidst all the lovey-dovey big-brothering you do still have to remember that the Agency has a job to do, and it's important for Jean to provide a bit of backbone in reminding the cyborg's function there.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Sat 4 Aug 2012 - 21:14

@Robert Frazer wrote:
(Kara) had managed to exceed her available mobile phone minutes by a factor of triple, and was therefore restricted to compound for the weekend

It's a fun detail, although I wonder if it might be running up against the obey-your-handler part of the conditioning a little too directly.

Kara: "No alarm bells went off, so I assumed I was okay." sweat

@Robert Frazer wrote:
I really like these domestic dialogues of yours Voodoo, they have a very natural, authentic voice. I feel deficient in that respect, I just can't seem to find the ear for ordinary conversation.

That is because you are a poet. Smile

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Sun 5 Aug 2012 - 0:17

@Robert Frazer wrote:Elio is half-British - would he be that averse to American music?
Elio is probably still bitter about being exiled from the country (having killed one of their FBI agents in New Orleans, 1991). He has repeatedly declared "The only good things to come out of the United States are duct tape, blues music and Chinese food."

On his recent secret mission with Minister Petris he admitted that they are finally learning to brew a proper pint as well.
I wonder if it might be running up against the obey-your-handler part of the conditioning a little too directly.
That could also be said of Agapita misleading her Master concerning the 15km road march. Perhaps I have sacrificed Yu's canon at the altar of convenience. In my defense; Yu makes almost zero attempt at comedy in GsG canon...I do incorporate it, and comedy is hard.
good grief, I need to get Agapita into my next story. At this rate, everyone else is writing more about her than I am!
Umm...YES. It's hard to write Agapita with almost no "Robert Frazer canon" to draw from.
I have to admit, I was kind of thinking that this story would be climaxing in a fight on top of the Antonov's fuselage or cyborg-sprinting after a bomb stuck to the wheels,
Ah, I though Palermo Round Up would have demonstrated to everyone that I will always try to pull a story out of the mundane rather than reach for over-the-top action. Razz

Good parallel; I love Woody Allen films and despise Michael Bay movies.
Temporarily disarmed, Agapita allowed her sister to slip the thick black frames onto her face and regarded herself in the mirror. "You really think so?"
I smiled at this. Like you say, it feels like siblings.
They are teenaged girls after all.
the breadth of the description does go against your earlier statement that the bomb squad focused exclusively on explosives.
That's what happens when it takes me a year to finish an episode.
"Ruined my tights," sighed Henrietta, poking her finger through a bloody hole in the knee.
Well, she's got her priorities straight!
Shoulder tackling a Toyota into a post is all in a days work for a Series One cyborg.
You lot get back to the van! Take this bloke I knocked out with you."
Knocked out? He stabbed him in the chest!
Different bloke; Elio knocked out a civilian first so he could steal his cigarette lighter and start the distraction fire. I actually forgot about that guy and had to make an edit in proof-read. It just didn't sit with the tone of the story to have Elio let an innocent civilian burn to death in a fire set with his own lighter.
Jean's mellowed out a bit (we all know he loves Rico really) but amidst all the lovey-dovey big-brothering you do still have to remember that the Agency has a job to do, and it's important for Jean to provide a bit of backbone in reminding the cyborg's function there.
Unlike many on this forum I do not hate Jean...in fact I think he might be my favorite character. He's certainly the deepest and most nuanced character in the story. His role as second in command requires him to be the heavy, the unlikable enforcer that allows Lorenzo to fill the role of beloved Chief. Elio knows that, having been a Field Commander in MI-6.
@Kiskaloo wrote:
Robert wrote: I really like these domestic dialogues of yours Voodoo, they have a very natural, authentic voice. I feel deficient in that respect, I just can't seem to find the ear for ordinary conversation.
That is because you are a poet.
Gotta agree with Kisk here. Everybody writing here has their individual strengths. The amount of research Kiskaloo puts in makes me feel lazy. Chaoskin (where's he been lately?) writes action brilliantly. I don't think it's boasting to say that I know I do dialogue very well. Alfisti can create a stylized scene that appears in your head like a movie, so that you can practically hear the background music as you read.

You have a talent for descriptive, flowing prose that makes me feel downright stupid sometimes. I like that we all bring individual strengths to the table. Sometimes when I'm unhappy with something I've written I go back and read one of you guys' work, thinking "There...that's what it's supposed to look like!"


Thanks for the lengthy feedback; I'll have something halfway intelligent written about your latest installment soon. If you want better than halfway intelligent it might take longer.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Alfisti on Sun 5 Aug 2012 - 7:53

@Professor Voodoo wrote:Unlike many on this forum I do not hate Jean...in fact I think he might be my favorite character. He's certainly the deepest and most nuanced character in the story. His role as second in command requires him to be the heavy, the unlikable enforcer that allows Lorenzo to fill the role of beloved Chief.
Isn't there something somewhere that if everyone doesn't hate the XO he's not doing his job right?

Anyway, I'll try not to cover the same ground as Robert here...

@Professor Voodoo wrote:Besides, I'm only going in for a few hours to check up on the message
traffic and do the monthly inspections on my dive equipment.
I wonder how many very long Saturdays have been started with words like that? I know I've done a few.

Kara conveniently left out the reason she had not been taken along on
her handler's business trip (she had managed to exceed her available
mobile phone minutes by a factor of triple, and was therefore restricted
to compound for the weekend...but there was no reason to trouble Mr.
Alboreto with all those unimportant details).
I'm actually trying to work out what Kara could possibly have used all her minutes ON.

Elio began to realize this was all rehearsed. Marisa would strike first,
hitting him with enthusiasm and hoping their woeful boredom would evoke
his pity. Kara came in with the second salvo, confident that her Good Karma
would sway Mr. Alboreto the way it always did Michele. It was hoped
that Henrietta's wide eyed innocence and selfless conviction to record
the event for the unfortunately absent Mr. Pagani would provide the
knockout punch.
Jean: *facepalm* Now if only they'd put this much forethought into their actual jobs we'd be all but unstoppable.

my Michele is out of town on important business
The possessive is a nice little touch.

"...two of you will have to ride in the trunk."
Minor nitpick, but if Elio's British, then the term is "boot", not "trunk".

Back at the van Henrietta fidgeted nervously, watching out the windows
as strangers passed by on all sides. Many of these strangers wore blue
coats or jackets. Many of them looked upon the Transit's government
license plates with unhappy scowls.
Part of me wonders about the advisability of letting 'Etta know that blue is the colour of the Northern Seperatists. Considering he ability to fly off the handle, would you really want her treating every blue clothed person as a suspect?

"Head county...everyone is here this time, right?"
Head county?

"Yes sir" she answered, easing forward and regretting more and more
every minute her decision to defy Michele's edict that she stay confined
to compound.
See Kara? Not all karma is good karma.

"Agreed," Croce answered with a tiny but audible snort of laughter, "so just keep them all with you."
I'm trying to work out if Jean genuinely thought the extra cyborg-power would be a help, or if he was just trying to annoy Elio... or a bit of both.


Either way, I'm going to have to pick the rest of this up at a later date.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Sun 5 Aug 2012 - 19:39

@Alfisti wrote: Isn't there something somewhere that if everyone doesn't hate the XO he's not doing his job right?
It's the job that does it to you...not the other way around. In a previous episode I had Marisa complaining about Jean...pressing the idea that her Elio should be Field Commander instead. Elio put down her suggestion by saying "You wouldn't be getting me for a Commander, you'd be getting Jean for a handler."
I wonder how many very long Saturdays have been started with words like that? I know I've done a few.
When I was working the Support Section (toolroom) in my Fighter Squadron we all decided to come in one Saturday to catch up on some things that we'd fallen behind on. It was to be very informal, no uniforms, and we'd be out by noon.
The rest of the Squadron heard about our plan and thought it was a good idea...so they came in to attend to their own backburnered projects as well. Since they were counting on us to provide the tools and test equipment we could not leave until the last of our colleagues had left. Needless to say we did not get out by noon.
I'm actually trying to work out what Kara could possibly have used all her minutes ON.
Michele: Kara, the only people you know are here at the Agency...and they're all on your free minutes plan! How did you manage to do this?

Kara: I don't know! Why is everybody picking on me!?! It was just a minor detail in the story!
Minor nitpick, but if Elio's British, then the term is "boot", not "trunk".
Good point. While Elio (as well as all the other characters) is speaking Italian unless otherwise specified I do try to keep his colloquialisms English. Worth a change when I go correct the keyfuck you pointed out.
"Agreed," Croce answered with a tiny but audible snort of laughter, "so just keep them all with you."
I'm trying to work out if Jean genuinely thought the extra cyborg-power would be a help, or if he was just trying to annoy Elio... or a bit of both.
I dare say he's thinking "Alboreto's taken 6 cyborgs under his charge? Better him than me. Things will be a lot quieter around here and I can get some work done in peace."

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Robert Frazer on Mon 6 Aug 2012 - 14:12

Different bloke; Elio knocked out a civilian first so he could steal his
cigarette lighter and start the distraction fire. I actually forgot
about that guy and had to make an edit in proof-read.

Yeah, sorry, he slipped my mind too! Sorry Mrs. Gannon, please don't give me a D in Comprehension. Sad

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Alfisti on Tue 7 Aug 2012 - 9:03

Alright... onward with part II.

"Why do I have to be the one who screwed up?" Kara protested.
Because you were too slow off the mark coming up with the rest of the plan luv.

"Don't be such a dork" Mari admonished, "betcha can't think of a better one than me.""Betcha I can" she retorted haughtily, crossing her arms, "next container is mine."
I do enjoy reading the friendly rivalry between these two... Marisa seems to have this knack for pulling 'Etta out of her usual very prim and proper persona.
"Kara!" she hissed in an annoyed tone, "I can't see a thing in these!"
Just do what all the other hipsters do and knock the lenses out.
"Isn't there supposed to be a reward at the end of an epic journey?" groaned Agapita, pouring over endless piles of paperwork.
"I'd settle for some coffee" Kara sighed.
Monty: No, you get the coffee first, then you deal with the paperwork, not the other way around.

An hour later both girls felt buried under a mountain of unintelligible forms. "How does Monty do this?"
Monty: Coffee, speed reading and a lot of practice sorting wheat from chaff.

"Don't waste your time trying to read the entire form" instructed the
handler, leaning over the table where Kara & Agapita had stacks of
MSDS forms laid out. "There's a hazard identifier right here...see, this
one is a skin irritant, not what we're interested in. Just go through
them fast and sort out anything with an explosive hazard for closer
inspection."
I get the impression you spend some time with MSDSs?

"This is not super cool secret agent work" muttered Marisa, sitting down in front of a stack of crinkled paperwork.
Jethro: Welcome to the other 90% of "super cool secret agent work".

the Series One cyborg bolted from her hiding spot, shoulder tackling the
passenger side door hard enough to shatter the window glass & knock
the tiny car off course...head-on into a support column.
Bugger turning them into a ballet troupe or football team: lets have a cyborg Rugby side.

Amelia replied calmly "I am uncertain of the amount of Semtex being
used...three kilometers should be sufficient provided you find safe
cover."
So, suffice to say, quite a bit then... even allowing for a cyborg being overly cautious with a handler's safety.

"Surely you've watched one of those action movies where the government
agent commandeers a vehicle from a civilian?" said Alboreto before
pulling his Beretta, "Well now you can tell all your friends it's
actually happened to you."
Admit it Elio, you just wanted to drive the firetruck.

Amelia considered his question for a few moments before replying "I am a
bit hungry. Now that the objective has been secured do we still plan to
visit a pizzeria?"
Perfect Amelia response. The cyborgs have always been a juxtaposition of guns with butter, but the bomb-squad girls just seem to amplify that warped sense of "normal".

Elio brought the kickstand up, dropped the bike into gear and pulled out
of the Section Two parking lot for the cold, dark ride home.
Great note to end on as well, reminding the reader that in the end, what the SWA does is essentially a thankless job.


Nice chapter mate, despite your earlier concerns of linearity. The action at the end was well weighted and didn't feel like it overpowered the rest of the chapter, and didn't drag on either, and as always I enjoyed your treatment of Jean. Heres to you haveing an easier time with the next.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Robert Frazer on Tue 7 Aug 2012 - 10:23

Hold on - three kilometres? Is that right? Yow.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Tue 7 Aug 2012 - 13:17

@Robert Frazer wrote:Hold on - three kilometres? Is that right? Yow.
I based that on absolutely nothing. I have a hazardous materials guide that specifies safe evacuation zones, but it's sitting at home in my van. Considering the risk of flying debris from an explosion 3km sounded reasonable.

The line was also meant to be slightly comedic. Elio asks how far civilians should be evacuated, Amelia deadpans farther than you will actually be able to evacuate them.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by dragonfire238 on Tue 7 Aug 2012 - 14:18

the safe distances for explosions really depends on the amount of explosive being triggered, from experience I know that two 500lb bombs burried 7ft under a road where a humvee is will cause debrie that could cause significant damage to fly about 100-200 meters. if i can remember correctly, the recomended safe distance for IEDs was 300-600 meters depending on the explosive. sure the debrie can fall anywhere outside that range but the velocity will have dropped so much that any damage done would be insignificant, at least that is I was told by one of the sergeants.
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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 8 Aug 2012 - 20:51

@Professor Voodoo wrote:At long last, a new Marisa & Elio adventure!
#18: An-225

In this episode...
-Elio wants to spend the day taking a long ride.
-Elio does not get to take a long ride.
-Kara does a 3-point turn.
-Agapita wears glasses.
-Henrietta skins her knee.
-And Amelia dumps out a whole bunch of fruit cocktail bowls.

Enjoy!

Okay. Attempt at a real critique time.


Lorenzo shrugged, not pretending to understand why his house-mate would brave the chilly day on a motorcycle when he had a perfectly warm & dry 4-wheeled vehicle in the garage.

Elio is a braver - or perhaps, crazier - man than Michele, who probably only rides when the weather is nice. sweat


"It's not the fastest!" came a harsh whisper from the hallway. Realizing she'd revealed herself by speaking a bit too loud Kara poked her head around the corner and gave him a little wave.

Kara never flew on Concorde (it was retired before she and Michele were paired), but if she had, she'd probably have been glad it was so fast so she could get out of it faster. Smile


"Alright, I see no problem with this as long as your handlers don't object" Alboreto finally conceded, drawing excited grins and high fives from the girls. "I trust you've all cleared this with them?" he added, dampening the mood somewhat.

I do like how you have the girls tag-team on beating down Elio's reluctance.


After a few moments of silence Kara took the lead; "Well, my Michele is out of town on important business. I really don't think it would be a good thing to bother him. He wouldn't mind, he trusts you Mr. Alboreto."

Followed by the girls each deftly diverting responsibility for getting permission.


The battle for control over the radio was short and ended in a decisive victory for the youthful contingent. By virtue of having provided her own handler to chaperone the outing Marisa had the honor of the front seat, uncontested by her cyborg-sisters. Knowing that the musical tastes of the red-read generally ran parallel with his own Elio confidently instructed her to pick a radio station. The move backfired; instead of going straight for the usual guitar rock & blues station the fratello listened to on their own Marisa sought a consensus from the others and Alboreto found himself subjected to the latest "top 40" pop hits.

Henrietta: "Sucks being old, doesn't it, Mr. Alboreto?"


"Everyone stay together!" barked Elio as his pack of cyborgs exited the van and immediately began to drift. "This is a big crowd so I don't want anyone getting outside a three meter radius of wherever I am. Kara are you listening?"

"Yes Mr. Alboreto!" she replied quickly, but she & Agapita had already wandered outside his three meter perimeter to look at a map posted on a telephone pole.

Just like a teenager - listening just enough to give the right response, but not really paying attention to the instructions themselves.


Elio replied with a devilish grin "They're all mentally handicapped." The statement drew a few dirty looks from the girls but they could do nothing to protest, Mr. Alboreto was abusing his government credentials for their benefit after all. "We won't get in anyone's way, I guarantee that."

While a funny line, later on when Kara is driving the van, one would think the officers would be a bit worried. Wink


Cringing, Kara climbed forward and slid behind the wheel. Backing Michele's Lamborghini was difficult but at least that didn't require much room.

I expect the one thing Kara doesn't like about the Gallardo is that it does not have scissor doors, so she can't sit on the doorsill. And somehow, I expect a Countach has a wider turning radius than a Transit. Razz


Between fits of jerky forward motion and clumsy stabs at the brake pedal the Ford at last began to make progress, but Kara failed to get fully turned around in the space she had, requiring a 3-point turn across both lanes, one that inspired much cursing, fist waving and horn blowing from the line of traffic that Elio held at bay. When she finally got pointed in the right direction, in the correct lane Kara breathed a mighty sigh of relief, surely her ordeal was over now and the adult would re-assume driving duties. To her dismay Mr. Alboreto did not come to the drivers side to relieve her though, he jogged around to the passenger seat and hopped in (shuffling Marisa to the back). "Take us straight to the gate we walked through earlier" he told the stressed out teenaged cyborg, pointing in the general direction.

"Umm..." Kara stalled "...traffic is still really heavy."

"Just be careful but aggressive, stick your nose out there and they'll make room for you" replied Elio, adding in a softer tone "Driving isn't all about Ferrari's on the Autostrada, this is important too."

"Yes sir" she answered, easing forward and regretting more and more every minute her decision to defy Michele's edict that she stay confined to compound.

Kara has yet to learn the Law of Gross Tonnage and how it applies to Right of Way. As I noted earlier, I do really like how you show Kara being apprehensive, but knuckling down and getting the job done because that's what she's trained and conditioned to do. And when she does, she feels real accomplishment at her success.


Reaching the cargo terminal office without crossing the active flight-line would require a long hike so in the interest of expedience and the preservation of her expensive Christian Louboutin boots (the access roads were a mess of mud and slush) Kara insisted upon hailing a taxi; a suggestion which did not meet with any resistance from Agapita once Kara volunteered to pay.

Kara: "My creative thinking prevails again!"

Agapita: "More like your handler's VISA Signature card."


Unconcerned, Kara began concocting a way to explain their need for access to the shipping documents. "Hmmm...let's tell them we're clerks at Ciampino Airport. Something got screwed up at our office..." she cocked her head sideways and tried to draw her sister-cyborg into the process "...what do you think?"

"Eh, if we work at Ciampino what are we doing at Fiumicino?"

"Duh! That's what I need help figuring out."

"Okay, okay," replied Agapita, "you screwed up and sent the paperwork for a shipment leaving out of Ciampino to the wrong airport."

"Why do I have to be the one who screwed up?" Kara protested.

"Well I certainly didn't" answered Agapita bluntly.

Brilliant.


Agapita & Kara were now on the departures concourse of Terminal B, finding the journey to the cargo terminal more difficult than they had predicted. The entire building was geared toward shepherding passengers to their gates, not to the cargo office. Compounding their difficulties was a reluctance to draw attention to themselves by asking for help from the airport staff. This disinclination was mostly on Agapita's part, her training being focused on stealth as opposed to Kara's education in public relations.

I am always so happy that you remember how we (other authors) have explained our OCs and then reference that in your works. It's a real credit to you as an author, sir.


By the time she turned around Agapita had almost lost Kara. She spotted her counterpart heading for an expensive clothing boutique. "Oh, honestly!" she muttered in annoyance. But it was not the boutique where Kara stopped, but a rather ordinary news stand which just happened to have a selection of generic reading glasses on offer.

Agapita stomped over in a huff but just as she came to a stop Kara reached up and tried to slip a pair of heavy black framed eyeglasses onto her face. Instinctively, she recoiled as any cyborg would have upon seeing an unexpected object being propelled toward her vulnerable eyes. "What in Heaven's name are you doing?"

"Changing your appearance a little" answered Kara. "Just try these on. It's something Mr. Rissi showed me...when people are asked to remember a face they focus on details, not the overall look. My eyes for instance, I look Asian. That's the first thing people are going to remember...not my height or facial structure."

"So me wearing fake glasses are going to hide your eyes?"

"No, it's just a distraction" answered Kara, slipping the frames onto Agapita's face "give them something else to focus on. Besides, they look cute on you."

Temporarily disarmed, Agapita allowed her sister to slip the thick black frames onto her face and regarded herself in the mirror. "You really think so?"

"Oh definitely, kinda hipster" Kara assured her, "you should wear fake glasses more often."

Disarmed by the compliment Agapita gave in, although she waited for the better funded Kara to pay for her new accessory...

As I noted before, I love how you write Kara treating the other cyborgs as real siblings.

...A few euros were exchanged and Kara took off. Agapita followed a few steps behind but stumbled and nearly walked into a post. "Kara!" she hissed in an annoyed tone, "I can't see a thing in these!"

Even if sometimes her efforts are failures. Smile


Since passing through the passenger terminal the pair had been through an ordeal. After being given bad directions by a uniformed security officer (who challenged their credentials) they wound up in the airport garbage processing facility. From there they managed to beg a map from the supervisor (who challenged their credentials) but at least they got a ride from one of the garbage truck drivers. He could only take them half way though, and they were let off near a lost luggage depot manned by a single officious clerk (who challenged their credentials). Intensely defensive about his little kingdom of misplaced suitcases he refused to let the girls pass through, directing them to walk around his department. At least these directions were good, even if they did call for trudging through another few hundred meters of snow & slush. Arriving at the cargo terminal at last (where their credentials were challenged) Kara & Agapita had to embellish their story about being clerks from Ciampino airport in order to be allowed access to the MSDS documents.

As Alfisti noted, Kara needs to learn how to act like she's supposed to be there in more places than a luxury hotel lobby. Razz


From a stack of shipping crates Kara dropped down to pounce on one, tackling him to the ground where Agapita quickly bound his hands and blindfolded him.

I think you have written more action scenes for Kara than I have. sweat

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Sat 11 Aug 2012 - 17:22

So I go a whole year without releasing an episode, and now two in a space of less than two weeks...

#20: First Day of Spring

This episode...

  • Starts with action.
  • Then things get grim.
  • Then things are fun again.
  • But then the fun turns bad.
  • But it's okay because Rico has a credit card.

Readers with advanced counting skills will note that the last installment was #18...meaning I completely skipped Episode #19. There's a perfectly good reason for this; my stories are presented in chronological order (flashback episodes notwithstanding) and Ep. 19 takes place during the cold winter months. It's also very underwater oriented, and since I write better SCUBA episodes when it's fresh in my mind I decided to delay the adventure until I've had the chance to dive a few shipwrecks...hopefully in October.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Il Direttore on Sat 11 Aug 2012 - 17:56

Great work, as always. Looking forward to #19!

Spoiler:
It IS interesting how Rico is trusted implicitly by Jean to not abuse the credit card. I mean, I barely use my plastic because I'm terrified of overdrafting, but Jean is just like "Eh, Rico's not going to drop two hundred dollars on something silly like shoes. I'll just let her hold onto the card."

Also interesting, and hilariously in character, is Marisa's List of Gelato Flavors.

I do think that Allison might have been a little overly guilty in the Speeding Ticket Situation, but I also don't have a firm grasp of her character, so I'll leave that to you.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Sat 11 Aug 2012 - 19:00

_The Raid_
"No, watch this" answered Henrietta confidently, "this works every time." Leaving her rifle behind she stood up and strode directly into the enemy line of fire. "Please don't shoot! There are scary..."

'Etta's signature maneuver did not provide the desired effects. The two gunmen looked at her incredulously before unleashing a hail of bullets which the cyborg only managed to dodge by centimeters. "Okay, so it doesn't work every time" she grumbled.

Monty, nodding in what might possibly be considered approval to Emillie: "That's why you have a Plan B."


The Series One girl looked at Marisa, gleefully clutching her new murder weapon like a macabre carnival prize. There was just something about it that made Henrietta feel uneasy...especially that blade covered in blood. She shook her head. "No...no sir...I don't need one" she said timidly, and went to go lean on Giuseppe, who eased her anxiety by putting an arm around her shoulder.




_Stefania_
"Weren't we just complaining about it being too cold a few weeks ago?" moaned Kara, sitting at the foot of Petrushka's bed with an oriental hand fan. It was intended as a wall decoration but in this time of crisis the ornament was seeing actual service.

Kara: "Creative thinking to the rescue!"


_Kara's Plan_
Nobody seemed to be present in 'Etta & Rico's room. "Henrietta, are you here?" Kara called out. There were blankets draped from her top bunk, totally enclosing Rico's bed below. At Kara's call the blonde girl popped her head out.

"Hi Kara."

"Heya Rico, nice fort."

Rico tumbled out, slick with sweat, her bangs matted to her forehead. She wore only a tank-top and boxer shorts. "I thought I might be able to keep the heat out, but it's not working very well."

Kara stifled a laugh and replied "Yeah, it doesn't look like it. Is Henrietta around?"

That's so Rico.

_The Lion's Den_
"Thank you sir!" chirped Kara, eliciting no more than a dismissive wave from Croce.

Kara: "Three cheers for karma!"


_Unexpected Miracle_
"Okay, I'm curious," admitted Kara, "but Mr. Alboreto trusted the car to you, not me."

"I'm sure Mr. A won't mind!" scoffed Allison, "He knows you're a good driver. Not as good as me, but pretty good."

Kara snorted in contempt of her boastfulness. "Oh it is on next time we go to the Vallelunga kart track, bitch. Okay, you've convinced me...I'll take a turn."

Something I mentioned only in my cyborg profile, yet you callback to it. So cool.


_Temporary Freedom_
What did fill the dusty lot were scooters, dozens of them; Vespa, Aprilia, Piaggio, Honda, Derbi & Suzuki were all represented. These seemed to be the conveyance of choice for the cash strapped youthful set of Rome.

It's also easier to get a scooter permit than a driving permit (Italian licensing is far tougher to earn than in the US).

"What's a cranberry?" asked Kara.

It's that red juice your handler guzzles at breakfast. sweat

A few boys came over to flirt with the two older cyborgs but here Marisa filled the role of the snarling (figuratively, to Kara & Allison's relief), challenging little sister. "Who do you think you are? What's your angle?" she scowled and narrowed her eyes menacingly "Are you trying to touch my sisters' boobs?" The diminutive red demon proved a better protector of her sisters' honor than any father (or handler) could have been, chasing each hopeful Casanova off with his tail between his legs. As embarrassing as it was Allison & Kara could not help but laugh.

Kara: "Extra brussel sprouts for you tonight as a thank you!"


Loved it as I always do.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by dragonfire238 on Sat 11 Aug 2012 - 19:19

awesome job on this episode I really enjoyed it, also I did notice you skipped 19 and had to check to make sure I didnt miss it, hope it comes out just as well.

Spoiler:
When Marisa asked if she could keep the hatchet I had a flashback to when she asked to keep the ring in the first episode and couldn't stop laughing.

I was a little worried about Marisa when her first thought when stopped by a cop was to pull out her beretta and chamber a round

I thought it was fitting that Rico would have an agency credit card being the cyborg to the field commander

I feel a little bad for the cyborg that got reconditioned -Stephenie- I hope that she will be fine afterwards since any reconditioning is supposed to drop the cyborgs life span.

Oh and on a final note they probably didnt ruin the program for anybody ther probably will be an implantation of a saftey brief at the end of the week to ensure that the cyborgs are reminded to "stay under the radar"
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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Il Direttore on Sat 11 Aug 2012 - 19:43

@Kiskaloo wrote:

The Series One girl looked at Marisa, gleefully clutching her new murder weapon like a macabre carnival prize. There was just something about it that made Henrietta feel uneasy...especially that blade covered in blood. She shook her head. "No...no sir...I don't need one" she said timidly, and went to go lean on Giuseppe, who eased her anxiety by putting an arm around her shoulder.




Guh?

Oh man, I totally missed that!!

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Alfisti on Sat 11 Aug 2012 - 22:27

Nice chapter mate. More thoughts to come...

...for some reason I always had it in my head that Elio's M3 was the coupe. Learn something every day.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Professor Voodoo on Mon 13 Aug 2012 - 15:59

El Conservatore wrote: interesting, and hilariously in character, is Marisa's List of Gelato Flavors.
The next Elio & Marisa episode will be a flashback to the life of Marina & the first month of Marisa's life. We'll see more explanation of Mari's philosophy for life...and how it relates to gelato.
I do think that Allison might have been a little overly guilty in the Speeding Ticket Situation, but I also don't have a firm grasp of her character, so I'll leave that to you.
We'll have to leave that up to her creator, MP5.
@Kiskaloo wrote:Something I mentioned only in my cyborg profile, yet you callback to it. So cool.
Maybe I'm just inflicting my own personal tastes on the story but I like the idea of the girls (some of them...we all know how Emilie feels Razz ) being motorsport fans. Sure it's just a reflection of what their handler's like, but hell, who doesn't like racing go-karts?
It's that red juice your handler guzzles at breakfast.
Does Michele have a UTI or is he trying to squeak past a drug test?

Seriously, for the purposes of the story I just assumed the girls would not be familiar with a fruit exotic to Europe.

Kara: "Extra brussel sprouts for you tonight as a thank you!"
For Kara, is that an honest thank you or revenge? Frankly I don't know where all the hate comes from...I love the things.
I see what you did there Cat wrote:I see what you did there.
Yup, that's a direct callback to canon chapter 59.
@dragonfire238 wrote:I was a little worried about Marisa when her first thought when stopped by a cop was to pull out her beretta and chamber a round
I wonder if Officer Charon realizes he directly inspired that scene with a post about a traffic stop he made at work.
I feel a little bad for the cyborg that got reconditioned -Stefania-
I don't plan on making her a regular character but I will make reference to her in a future episode. As with all my characters, if somebody wants to use them go ahead; they're community property.
@Alfisti wrote:...for some reason I always had it in my head that Elio's M3 was the coupe.
Nah, he's got the E90 4-door. It's just more practical since that's his "work car." The Agency paid for it with his signing bonus after all.

Thanks to all for the feedback. Episode 21 is in the works right now...Ep.19 will be delayed until I do some diving, but a Nicolo & Dario chapter is probably going to come out next.

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 13 Aug 2012 - 17:59

@Professor Voodoo wrote:
It's that red juice your handler guzzles at breakfast.
Does Michele have a UTI or is he trying to squeak past a drug test?

Seriously, for the purposes of the story I just assumed the girls would not be familiar with a fruit exotic to Europe.

I probably should have said "It's that red juice your creator guzzles at breakfast." Smile I just really like it, so I figure Michele would, as well.

And seriously, it was a good assumption.


@Professor Voodoo wrote:
Kara: "Extra brussel sprouts for you tonight as a thank you!"

For Kara, is that an honest thank you or revenge?

Marisa seemed to like them (she ate them off Kara's plate). Smile

@Professor Voodoo wrote:Frankly I don't know where all the hate comes from...I love the things.

I don't recall ever having Kara expressing an opinion on them before this story, so... Wink Razz

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Original Characters : Kara Michelle

Comments : The community's international man of mystery.

Registration date : 2008-09-11

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Officer_Charon on Tue 14 Aug 2012 - 1:20

HA! I was wondering why that image was feeling so familiar! *chuckles* Well-played, sir!

And I've seen another M3 or two since I mentioned that. Still not gonna stop 'em. Nope nope nope! I don't care if it's doing 120 through a residential neighborhood.

Also, new Patchwork Fratello? Hell. Yes. *grins broadly*

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"The two loudest sounds you will ever hear from your weapon are the *bang* when it's supposed to go *click* and the *click* when it's supposed to go *bang*." -Unknown

"220 horses, I got a gun, a siren, a tank full of city gas. Don't you love it?!" - Ofc. Maurice "Bosco" Boscarelli, Third Watch
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Officer_Charon

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Il Direttore on Tue 14 Aug 2012 - 22:36

@Officer_Charon wrote:

Also, new Patchwork Fratello? Hell. Yes. *grins broadly*

Agreed, and *jumps in air pumping fist in joy*

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"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

- President John F. Kennedy
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Il Direttore

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Odon on Thu 16 Aug 2012 - 22:47

@dragonfire238 wrote:
I was a little worried about Marisa when her first thought when stopped by a cop was to pull out her beretta and chamber a round

Actually she hiked up her skirt and pulled out her Beretta, which made me wonder if she'd been hanging around the older cyborgs too much!

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"I had a dream. We were together in my dream. We were brother and sister, father and mother, wife and husband. And both of us were both."
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Odon

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

Post by Kiskaloo on Thu 16 Aug 2012 - 22:49

@Odon wrote:
@dragonfire238 wrote:
I was a little worried about Marisa when her first thought when stopped by a cop was to pull out her beretta and chamber a round

Actually she hiked up her skirt and pulled out her Beretta, which made me wonder if she'd been hanging around the older cyborgs too much!

Kara: "Trust me, opening your blouse and hiking up your skirt won't save you from getting a ticket at a traffic stop."

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What? I like donuts! - Betty Suarez
If I die before my time, go on Oprah and tell the world 'I liked kittens'. - Veronica Mars
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A Cat of Many Talents

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Re: The Marisa & Elio Chronicles

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