Jacen Starslayer's new story

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Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Tue 2 Feb 2010 - 17:43

My first stab at a Gunslinger Girl fanfic. Any advice and constructive critique would be greatly appreciated. Gunslinger Girl: You Only Live Twice. Looking for people to run ideas by, too many alternate ideas for scenes running through my head.
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Jacen Starslayer

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Kiskaloo on Tue 2 Feb 2010 - 18:02

Good thing I didn't let Priscilla drive the Ferrari...

Priscilla as a handler... Could be interesting...

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Wed 3 Feb 2010 - 21:50

Thanks.

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"I am the sword of justice
Forged by fate and tempered with time
I have struggled to stay true to his dreams and ideals
Never knowing defeat
Nor victory
Forever waiting for his return
This is my, Infinite Sword Dance"
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Jacen Starslayer

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Sun 23 May 2010 - 23:58

Jacen's newest story, a Fate/Stay Night, Tsukihime, Magic: The Gathering Crossover of near epic proportions.
Mirari Moon Wars

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"I am the sword of justice
Forged by fate and tempered with time
I have struggled to stay true to his dreams and ideals
Never knowing defeat
Nor victory
Forever waiting for his return
This is my, Infinite Sword Dance"
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Jacen Starslayer

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Robert Frazer on Tue 25 May 2010 - 17:38

I can't claim to be intimately familiar with the source material - I've never played a Type-Moon game and I haven't seriously pursued M:TG for about a decade now - but here's what I make of it from a newcomer's perspective:

But what if time does both, what if every rewind was both similar and yet at the same time completely different

Well, the philosophy's a bit hackneyed, but it does the job when you need to set up an alternate retelling of something! Wink

Archer, I'll let you handle the landing." She stated as she was descending gracefully to the ground. As she neared the ground she caught by Archer. Immediately after leaping out of his arms she ran towards the baseball field near the archery club's dojo as she spoke, "He uses a lance so we need to take this fight to somewhere more advantageous to us."

This section could do with rejigging. It's hard to plummet gracefully unless you're performing some sort of gymnastic swan-dive, and even then "graceful" implies that someone's gently floating and featherlike, not pancaking herself with a five-storey drop. Given that there is magic in this setting, I originally imagined that she was using some sort of spell to arrest her fall.

Maybe make it something like: "Archer, I'll let you handle the landing" She said softly and simply as she stepped off into the void as if it was no more than alighting the pavement. The wind roared, the concrete rushed past, the windows flickered the ground loomed large - and Rin smiled as her servant appeared beneath her, catching her as easily as a ball, swinging her around in a dancers' waltz to absorb her momentum, and then setting her down with a gymnast's precision.

"Archer." Rin said as she willed her invisible servant to appear.

Archer was dressed hardened black leather armor that covered most of his body except his head and his arms. A red cloth covered both of his arms like a jacket, while a red cloth duster hung down from his waist, and his black steel toed boots completed the look.

This is a little thing, but he's obviously not invisible if we can describe his clothing! sweat

Also, why not just say that he's wearing a "red jacket"?

A sound like lightning was heard when the two warriors met.

Little niggle: Thunder is the sound, not lightning! Maybe something like - "they flashed towards each other in a crack of lightning, and crashed together in a peal of thunder."

After putting the cleaning supplies away and throwing his coat on, he walked outside the dojo and observed two men fighting with weapons.

Given that there's a fierce battle outside, the new character seems very... unhurried. It saps the drama out of the scene. Unless there's a specific reason for him to be being so conscientious and lacking of curiosity even when bangs and wallops are sounding outside, he should be throwing down his mop and rushing out to see what the commotion is.

You know the old saying, dead men tell no lies."

You've confused the saying a little here. It's "dead men tell no tales". He wouldn't be too troubled if the boy was lying about what he'd seen - it's blabbing about the truth of the school being used for supernatural duels that he's worried about!

"Wait, that guy stabbed me through the heart. I had to have died, but someone was there and they brought me back to life."

A bit clumsy here. Shirou shouldn't be wondering about this - he's already worked out as much when he wakes up in the corridor: "The person who saved my life must have left this behind." He said before walking home."

"It's him again." Shirou stated fearfully as he felt his father's boundary field trigger, "I need to find a weapon." As he quickly leaped into action only to fall due to his 'death' less than an hour ago in order to find something to defend himself with.

This is a bit confusing. If Shirou is already aware of magic, why is he so surprised by ghostly beings fighting in the schoolyard? Also, Shirou's actual actions aren't too clear - are you trying to say that he tries to get up, but collapses because he's still weak and unsteady from his revivification, and then has to struggle back up again? It could do with clarification.

Bazett faltered for a moment as she tried to determine the reason herself.

Yeah, I was wondering that too, seeing as a few paragraphs ago she was talking about memory-altering runes instead of "killing innocents"! Perhaps alter Bazett's intent - it takes time to apply this magic rune, so the subject must be co-operative, or restrained, so it can be carved out/painted on/incantations effected etc. Bazett initially offers a way to "make the shock and horror of tonight go away", but Shirou rebuffs her, convinced that she's an assassin waiting for him to drop his guard. Bazett loses her patience and decides that it would be easier and quicker to just beat the boy unconscious so that he won't resist the application of the rune.

Immediately after the light appeared there was a sudden blur of motion followed by Bazett being grabbed by Lancer and taken out of the shed before the floor shook, leaving her at the center.

At this point we don't know who "her" is, someone reading it could just as well think that it's referring to Bazett. Add in another sentence to make a more clear distinction between the two. "Shirous was dazed from the light and stunned by his injuries - he couldn't comprehend what had made his enemy fall back when he was helpless. As his vision cleared, he was shocked almost as much as if he'd been struck again when he saw why his adversaries had fled - for now standing in the centre of the hut was her."


Anyway, Jacen, the writing could do with a tightening up in places, but the concept is interesting and I'm curious to see where this leads. Hurry up with part two! Smile

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Tue 8 Jun 2010 - 23:20

The newest chapter of Mirari Moon Wars is up.

Chapter 2 of Mirari Moon Wars

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"I am the sword of justice
Forged by fate and tempered with time
I have struggled to stay true to his dreams and ideals
Never knowing defeat
Nor victory
Forever waiting for his return
This is my, Infinite Sword Dance"
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Jacen Starslayer

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Forum Posts : 525

Location : Dover, Delaware

Fan of : Gunslinger Girl, Final Fantasy, Parasite Eve 2, Fate/Stay Night, Ah! My Goddess, etc.

Original Characters : Jay Valentine

Comments : "The man who tries to please everyone, will never be happy with themselves."

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Sun 15 Aug 2010 - 1:04

Chapter 7: Curiosity... is now up for Gunslinger Girl: You Only Live Twice.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5703347/7/

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"I am the sword of justice
Forged by fate and tempered with time
I have struggled to stay true to his dreams and ideals
Never knowing defeat
Nor victory
Forever waiting for his return
This is my, Infinite Sword Dance"
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Jacen Starslayer

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Forum Posts : 525

Location : Dover, Delaware

Fan of : Gunslinger Girl, Final Fantasy, Parasite Eve 2, Fate/Stay Night, Ah! My Goddess, etc.

Original Characters : Jay Valentine

Comments : "The man who tries to please everyone, will never be happy with themselves."

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Alfisti on Mon 16 Aug 2010 - 21:27

...So, Allison's got some potential competition huh?

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 16 Aug 2010 - 21:34

Alfisti wrote:...So, Allison's got some potential competition huh?

Kara: "That's not going to go well..."

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If I die before my time, go on Oprah and tell the world 'I liked kittens'. - Veronica Mars
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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Mon 16 Aug 2010 - 21:44

It's not going to be that kind of relationship. Its quite one-sided.

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"I am the sword of justice
Forged by fate and tempered with time
I have struggled to stay true to his dreams and ideals
Never knowing defeat
Nor victory
Forever waiting for his return
This is my, Infinite Sword Dance"
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Jacen Starslayer

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Forum Posts : 525

Location : Dover, Delaware

Fan of : Gunslinger Girl, Final Fantasy, Parasite Eve 2, Fate/Stay Night, Ah! My Goddess, etc.

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 16 Aug 2010 - 21:47

Personally, I don't think Rico really comprehends the idea of physical attraction. It's more an emotional response from her like one has for a kitten or puppy.

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What? I like donuts! - Betty Suarez
If I die before my time, go on Oprah and tell the world 'I liked kittens'. - Veronica Mars
Scissors of victory! - Yui Hirasawa
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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Mon 16 Aug 2010 - 22:30

Oh I get it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"I am the sword of justice
Forged by fate and tempered with time
I have struggled to stay true to his dreams and ideals
Never knowing defeat
Nor victory
Forever waiting for his return
This is my, Infinite Sword Dance"
avatar
Jacen Starslayer

Male

Forum Posts : 525

Location : Dover, Delaware

Fan of : Gunslinger Girl, Final Fantasy, Parasite Eve 2, Fate/Stay Night, Ah! My Goddess, etc.

Original Characters : Jay Valentine

Comments : "The man who tries to please everyone, will never be happy with themselves."

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Professor Voodoo on Tue 17 Aug 2010 - 0:16


"Egli è il fidanzato di Rico." Henrietta stated shyly. (He is Rico's boyfriend.)
"Eh?" The girls at the table stated in surprise, "Really?"
Henrietta nodded before replying, "Rico told me so…it must be true."
I love how 'Etta stokes the gossip fires here. I always knew there was a bit of a sneaky troublemaker hiding inside Little Miss Perfect.

Jay blinked a couple times before silently going back to his food. Weird girl…

"That Rico was one strange little girl." Jay thought as he stared up at the ceiling of the room.
Possible editing slip; you've got two consecutive lines here that basically say the same thing...or maybe you wanted a section break there. FF.net is notorious for dropping those.

Cute chapter. I think using Rico in this way is a novel idea. She hardly gets any personal attention from Jean, so I can see her latching onto an older male as a big-brother figure, with possible crush implications.
Am I right to expect an embarassing comedic shower incident in the future?

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Tue 17 Aug 2010 - 12:44

[lightbulb] I don't see why not, I hadn't thought of it, but it would be awesome.

Arggh! [upset at the fact that he has to go back and manually insert his line breaks.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"I am the sword of justice
Forged by fate and tempered with time
I have struggled to stay true to his dreams and ideals
Never knowing defeat
Nor victory
Forever waiting for his return
This is my, Infinite Sword Dance"
avatar
Jacen Starslayer

Male

Forum Posts : 525

Location : Dover, Delaware

Fan of : Gunslinger Girl, Final Fantasy, Parasite Eve 2, Fate/Stay Night, Ah! My Goddess, etc.

Original Characters : Jay Valentine

Comments : "The man who tries to please everyone, will never be happy with themselves."

Registration date : 2010-01-31

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Sun 29 Aug 2010 - 14:48

The newest Chapter of Mirari Moon Wars is up.

Mirari Moon Wars: Chapter 4: No Choice but to Fight

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"I am the sword of justice
Forged by fate and tempered with time
I have struggled to stay true to his dreams and ideals
Never knowing defeat
Nor victory
Forever waiting for his return
This is my, Infinite Sword Dance"
avatar
Jacen Starslayer

Male

Forum Posts : 525

Location : Dover, Delaware

Fan of : Gunslinger Girl, Final Fantasy, Parasite Eve 2, Fate/Stay Night, Ah! My Goddess, etc.

Original Characters : Jay Valentine

Comments : "The man who tries to please everyone, will never be happy with themselves."

Registration date : 2010-01-31

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Re: Jacen Starslayer's new story

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Thu 14 Oct 2010 - 23:54


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"I am the sword of justice
Forged by fate and tempered with time
I have struggled to stay true to his dreams and ideals
Never knowing defeat
Nor victory
Forever waiting for his return
This is my, Infinite Sword Dance"
avatar
Jacen Starslayer

Male

Forum Posts : 525

Location : Dover, Delaware

Fan of : Gunslinger Girl, Final Fantasy, Parasite Eve 2, Fate/Stay Night, Ah! My Goddess, etc.

Original Characters : Jay Valentine

Comments : "The man who tries to please everyone, will never be happy with themselves."

Registration date : 2010-01-31

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