Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Nachtsider on Wed 10 Feb 2010 - 17:16

@Professor Voodoo wrote:So are teenaged girls really turned on by hand-brake turns? We know cyborgs are.

@Awinnell wrote:so which girls going to be shouting ,

POWWWWEEEERRRR !!!

@Kiskaloo wrote:Kara: "Come on! Come on! Gods, I sound like I'm in a porn film."

Michele: Guh?
I shall be very disappointed if the finished fic contains no Spanish fly/gear-shift jokes.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by MP5 on Wed 10 Feb 2010 - 17:23

@Nachtsider wrote:
I shall be very disappointed if the finished fic contains no Spanish fly/gear-shift jokes.

From where are those jokes again?

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Nachtsider on Wed 10 Feb 2010 - 17:31

Oh, they're just a widespread thing with no specific source.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by SPARTAN 119 on Wed 10 Feb 2010 - 18:21

@Kiskaloo wrote:
Kara: "Come on! Come on! Gods, I sound like I'm in a porn film."

Michele: And how would you know that, having never seen one? Is there something I should know?

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Professor Voodoo on Wed 10 Feb 2010 - 18:37

@SPARTAN 119 wrote:
@Kiskaloo wrote:
Kara: "Come on! Come on! Gods, I sound like I'm in a porn film."
Michele: And how would you know that, having never seen one? Is there something I should know?

Calenders? Pin-ups? Porn films? Elio breathes a massive sigh of relief, happy that his cyborg is too young to be involved in this foolishness.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 10 Feb 2010 - 19:06

Michele knows Kara was sexually active before she became a cyborg, so...

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Professor Voodoo on Wed 10 Feb 2010 - 19:18

@Kiskaloo wrote:Michele knows Kara was sexually active before she became a cyborg, so...
Does she know that?

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 10 Feb 2010 - 19:22

@Professor Voodoo wrote:
@Kiskaloo wrote:Michele knows Kara was sexually active before she became a cyborg, so...
Does she know that?

Yes. The medical staff made her aware of it, who also informed her that she's been made sterile.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 10 Feb 2010 - 22:22

Okay. As promised, I gave Kara’s motivations some thought.

Kara likely did not drive before she came to the Agency. Living in Paris, with its excellent public transportation system, she did not need a car. And based on what a 17-year old in the UK pays for insurance, her parents might very well have not been able to afford one for her.

So her first experience behind the wheel of a car would have been Michele’s 1999 Ferrari 456 M GTA. The 456 is a grand tourer and as such was designed to eat the kilometers in luxury, not attack the corners like a track or sports car. So her initial training would have been in large parking lots at night, the roads around the SWA Compound, and at the ACI Vallelunga track where she could get comfortable with the controls and the handling / performance. But it is still a Ferrari so it could hustle and was capable of speeds north of 300km/h, which Kara did taste on occasion, whetting her appetite for speed.

Kara is “track trained” and loves thrashing around a track in the right car. However, the grand touring roots grew deep and given a choice of 250 kilometers lapping the ACI Vallelunga circuit in the Ferrari F430 or 250 kilometers cruising along the Mediterranean or Adriatic coasts in the Aston Martin DB9, she will almost always take the latter.

Kara’s interest in cars is colored totally by Michele. As his cyborg, his hobbies are her hobbies. His likes are her likes. His passions are her passions. And that extends to automobiles. As such, she’s not interested in things like “hot hatches” or “muscle cars”. She likes exotics because they’re fast, but speed is not the only reason why she likes a car. For her, it’s as much about the marque and it’s history as it is the engine displacement or the final drive ratio because that is what is important to Michele (who worked for the Scuderia).

While I joke Kara’s idea of a “classic car” is something made before 1997, the fact is the Mille Miglia she did with Michele really opened her eyes. Seeing these beautiful Ferraris, Alfas, Lancias and Maseratis from the 1950s and 1960s really stirred something in her soul that had unconsciously been placed there by her talks with Michele. He loves those cars and that love has now become her love, not just because of a desire to mimic him, but because she’s become educated about them and understands and accepts their value on their own merits.



This is why I believe Allison is the one who should take the lead on convincing the other girls to actually make a play for the contest. I would expect Allison’s motivation to enter and win would be to win the car and to meet The Stig and do a Power Lap with him. So she needs two more people to have a chance at making an episode. Kara springs to mind by default – she drives exotics and she likes the show, so she must be a “kindred spirit”.

And Kara is, but in a different way. She is not a real “gear head”. She can identify the major components of a car and what they do, but she likes to believe that on the hood of every car is a large sticker that says “No User Serviceable Parts Inside. Please Refer All Maintenance to Qualified Personnel”. Smile

Allison is a tuner; a tinkerer; someone who takes something already good and makes it better; makes it personal. A car is more than a tool to her – it’s an extension of herself. It is why she holds the position she does within the Agency. Kara can shoot out a window, and her innate accuracy makes her effective, but for Allison, it’s an art. A specialty. In such situations, Kara and the other girls may hit the target half the time. Or three-quarters of the time. Allison hits it every time. It’s why she does these missions and not Kara.

To Kara, Top Gear is an entertaining show about three blokes “cocking about” that happens to have cars as the theme. So while she’d certainly think it “cool” to be able to visit the studio and meet the cast, the Vauxhall saloon doesn’t interest her. So Allison has to pitch the idea in terms Kara can relate to and get excited about.

Therefore, I would like to present the following for consideration as to how the team is formed:

As noted above, Kara loves to drive. So when Allison recommends they take a long weekend trip to drive 2000 kilometers and film at the Transfăgărăşanin in Romania, that is something that appeals to Kara, especially when she remembers Michele dropped off a Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster. She’ll remember Jeremy Clarkson drove one 2000 kilometers from London to Oslo and raved about it.

So Allison has set the hook, but now she needs to make sure the fish doesn’t break the line and escape. As I noted above, she is a tuner and a tinkerer – things Kara is not. So she has to figure out how to pitch her idea of the Challenge / Stunt – a drifting contest. Michele’s cars are plenty powerful enough to drift, but they’re also very expensive. The idea of pitching them into corners in a cloud of tire smoke (especially when those tires run over €1000 a set) is not something Kara thinks Michele would appreciate. And while Kara can be a bit rebellious, the one thing she cannot face is his disappointment. Anger, sure, but never disappointment.

So Allison needs to come up with an alternative. She might consider loaning Kara one of her own cars, but they are hers. It’s one thing to let her borrow one for a little cruise. But this is different. The car could get damaged. Yikes! What if Kara overcooked it and lost control? What if she was too rough and damaged it? Cry No, that won’t work. Allison would know Kara is rich – well, her handler is. Better to play it safe and get her something of her own so if she breaks it or wrecks it… Wink

Salvation comes with a watching of Episode 03 of Series 11 on BBC Prime and the “Can you buy an Alfa Romeo for £1000 or less without it completely ruining your life all the time challenge”. Allison knows Michele owned an Alfa and decides to play on both Kara’s vanity and her insecurity.


“It’s too bad Michele didn’t buy you that Alfa 147 GTA,” Allison noted as the credits started to roll.

“The Gallardo Spyder is cooler,” Kara replied.

“True, but your handler owned an Alfa, didn’t he?” Allison asked.

“Yes.”

“So that makes him a true petrol head. As his cyborg, I would think you would want to be one, as well,” Allison commented.

“Well I did drive that 1949 6C 2500 Super Sport Cabriolet in the Mille Miglia,” Kara noted.

“Yes, but that was driving someone else’s Alfa. You have to actually own one,” Allison pointed out.

That evening, Allison would then use the Italian version of Autotrader to find an inexpensive rear-wheel drive Alfa, eventually finding a silver 1990 Alfa Romeo 75 with the 3.0 liter QV V6 engine. It’s €1000 and the interior is fabric in a hideous multicolored herringbone pattern, but Allison figures Kara probably can afford it with the stipend her handler gives her. Smile

The next morning (Saturday) over breakfast Allison pitches the idea of choosing drifting as the challenge. Kara replies she doesn’t know how to drift and even if she did, Michele would strip her of her artificial skin if she did so with one of his cars.

To this, Allison pulls out the ripped page from the Autotrader and shows Kara the Alfa. She pitches it as a great drift car thanks to the V6 and RWD and notes she would be willing to help fix any problems. Kara waffles, but in the end her desire to be a “true petrol head” like Michele wins her over. It also doesn't hurt that Allison again plays on Kara's vanity and offering her the “part” of “Jeremy Clarkson” and allowing her to perform a formal review and road test of the Mercedes SLR Roadster. So they hop into Allison’s car and go and look at the Alfa. Kara revolts over the interior, but Allison uses that to beat down the price by €250 and the deal is done. Kara drives it back to the compound, but parks it out back because she’s embarrassed to be seen in it and she’s also fearful that Michele will be upset at her spending her stipend on a car (because it’s an Alfa Romeo, she feels confident he won’t be disappointed in her).

With Kara now committed, it’s time to find “Richard Hammond” and “James May”. The latter is taken care of by default when Michele announces he is leaving on Monday for a week to ten days and places Kara in nominal charge of the fratello while he is away. Allison may or may not know Claes well (your call, MP5), but she does know that Claes is level-headed which makes her a natural fit as “James” so while Claes is not amused, and will extract her revenge down the road (pun), where Kara goes so must she. And however you end up writing it, Petrushka joins the team in the role of “Richard Hammond”.

Now that the team has been assembled, next up is how to do the contest. Which is something for another post… Wink


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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Thu 11 Feb 2010 - 15:12

I forgot that Jeremy Clarkson's latest video - Duel - started with a segment on "what is the best car to drift?"

The entries included:

Lamborghini Murciélago LP 670-4 SuperVeloce
BMW M3 Coupe
Jaguar XK-R Convertible
Audi R8 V10 Edition
Lotus Evora
Vauxall VXR8 Bathurst S

Because it has four-wheel drive, great tires and a huge rear spoiler, the Murciélago just will not break the rear tires no matter what. So it's out.

The BMW M3 can drift, but the car was designed to track cleanly, not drift.

The Jaguar XK-R convertible is an awesome drifter. I mean it's brilliant.

The Audi is a Gallardo in a designer suit, so it should be a good analog for Claes' car. And surprise of surprises, it too is an awesome drift car thanks to limiting the amount of power it sends to the front wheels. It also drove like a dream around the Ascari race track. I re-watched the Gallardo Spyder test from Series 8, Episode 7 and indeed that car sure could drift! So despite her best efforts, I expect Claes will actually crack a smile.

The Lotus Evora proved it had the chops to drift, putting it one up on the smaller and lighter Elise, which can't drift worth a darn.

And then there is the Vauxall VXR8 Bathurst S. Needless to say, it's epic at drifting. Purely epic. And it aces the EU "Apple on the Apex / Apple on the Exit" safety test along with the Jaguar XK-R and Audi R10.

And watching Honda F1 / Brawn GP test driver Anthony Davidson try and learn to drift was hilarious. I figure Kara would start out like this.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by MP5 on Thu 11 Feb 2010 - 20:21

Just to point out something, I think it would be a show of goodwill for Top Gear to open up their contest to all EU member countries. However, the cyborgs will be speaking completely fluent English as a result of their training and programming, so this obviates the need for subtitles.
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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Thu 11 Feb 2010 - 20:23

@MP5 wrote:Just to point out something, I think it would be a show of goodwill for Top Gear to open up their contest to all EU member countries. However, the cyborgs will be speaking completely fluent English as a result of their training and programming, so this obviates the need for subtitles.

Well even if they do limit to UK residents, Allison and Laine are covered, as our their handlers, so no worries about "eligibility:. Smile

-----------------------

For the €1500 Cheap Car Challenge part of the segment, it has been decided that the girls will each purchase a RWD car and modify it for drifting.

Kara spends €1000 for an Alfa 75 1.8 Turbo Quadrifoglio Verde. And then, in true Jeremy Clarkson tradition, she spends her remaining €500 making it worse. sweat In her case, she falls into the same trap JC did with his Mitsubishi Starion and installed a larger diameter turbo without also installing a larger cooling system. So while that raises the power, it also raises the heat and Kara can't drift more than ten minutes before she needs to come in and allow the car to cool down. Doh!



As a Brit, Laine looks to the Old Country - and Top Gear. She spends €500 on a 1983 Jaguar XJ-S H.E. with a 5.3 liter V12:



She then spends €500 on a nitrous injection kit (remembering Top Gear did so to a 1985 XJ-S in Series 2). She then pockets the remaining €500. Wink

Petrushka has no clue what to get, so she puts her trust in Allison, who procures for her a 1995 S14 model Nissan 200SX with the SR20DET turbo 2.0 liter four-banger:



And Claes? She watched Jeremy Clarkson's video Duel and knows the Gallardo Spyder is an awesome drift car, so she rifles through Michele's keys...



Her argument is that she didn't spend anything. Wink


Last edited by Kiskaloo on Sun 28 Feb 2010 - 12:46; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Fri 12 Feb 2010 - 12:17

I'm thinking we should have Laine fill the role of Richard Hammond, and not Petrushka. Laine's a closet American, just like Richard, so I think she'd fill the role very well.

We could then punt Claes from the line-up (because she really isn't cut out for this kind of thing - plus she looks 12) and have Petrushka take over the role of James May. It would be doubly hilarious since Petrushka is both stylish and extroverted, while James May isn't.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by MP5 on Fri 12 Feb 2010 - 19:33

Okay, that makes sense. Also, it'll mean that Kara won't have to slave in the hot sun in Claes' garden later on. Though I did think Claes levelheaded-ness would have been perfect for May.

Question is, What pet name do we have for Laine?
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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Fri 12 Feb 2010 - 19:57

I agree Claes would, personality-wise, be better for James. But TG is a trio, not a foursome...

We could just dump Petra and keep it Kara, Claes, Laine and Allison.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Sat 13 Feb 2010 - 19:23

[Black screen splits into three horizontal video streams stacked atop each other as the Top Gear theme song, “Jessica”, starts.

The top frame is a panning shot of a black Aston Martin DB9, a yellow first generation Chevrolet Camaro Z28 and a Lancia Delta HF Integrale Evoluzione II crossing a low, stone bridge lined with trees. The middle frame is a look-down helicopter shot of a metallic red Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder with the top down driving along a cliff road. The bottom frame is a close-up of the wheel of a Ferrari Daytona.

The top and bottom frame slide off to screen-left, while the bottom frame slides screen-right. Three light blue frames slide in from screen left, with the outline of a woman’s boot pressing down on a gas pedal, followed by three successive jump cuts of black outlines of three girls superimposed over three video frames:







[Voice over from Kara as a silver Alfa 75 and black Jaguar XJ-S H.E. drift]


“Tonight, we go around corners…sideways…”

[A fifth-generation Toyota Corolla GT-S and a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder both tear down the Transfăgărăşan in Romania]

“We drive the world’s greatest road…”

[A blue Mercedes McLaren SLR Roadster drives down a long straight at triple-digit speeds]

“And I test the most powerful convertible……in the world.”

[The Top Gear logo, in two horizontal parts, slides in from the right, pauses, and then slides off to the left, replaced by a four-part screen with the Gallardo, the Corolla, the Camaro and the DB9 which then jumps to the spinning gear shrinking and “Top Gear Italy” sliding into place as a crowd applauds.]



[Jump cut to an airfield at dawn, the limb of the sun just coming over the horizon. The sky above it is a mixture of intense yellows, oranges and reds, fading to a steel blue-grey overhead, the undersides of some wispy cirrus clouds tinged in bright pink. The opening riffs to the movie Top Gun play softly in the background as the camera pans across Panavia Tornadoes and Aeritalia G.222s. The camera zooms in on a Eurofighter Typhoon lining up on the end of the runway, twin gouts of flame leaving the exhausts as the pilot light’s the afterburners. The plane roars down the runway and lifts into the sky. The camera follows it for a moment and then pans down to a blue Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster sitting on the tarmac with the roof down. The light is better, so it’s clearly later in the day.

Kara walks in from scene right, dressed in a Prada tank top of black ribbed silk with knot detail tucked into a Prada wrap miniskirt of black cotton burette secured with two metal and tortoise shell lockets, matched with black patent leather riding boots from Yves Saint Laurent.]


“This is the Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster.

[Jump cut to a view of the engine bay.]

"Like the coupe, it has is powered by a five-and-a-half liter supercharged V8 making 626 brake horsepower and 580 torques…”

[Jump cut back to Kara.]

“With that amount of power, launching this car from a stoplight feels much like what that Typhoon pilot just experienced.”

[Kara moves to sit down in the car. Because of the butterfly doors, you can see almost even with the seat bottom. Therefore, to prevent a “Strike Witches Moment” on television, Kara sits down perpendicular to the seat with her legs tightly held together and the soles of her boots flat to the ground. She then lifts both legs, still together, and rotates her body ninety degrees to the right, lifting her legs over the sill of the car, scissoring her boots against her thighs to keep her legs tightly together until she is properly seated. She reaches up and pulls down the door. Jump cut to the interior and Kara flips up the cover over the top of the transmission lever, pushing the Start button. The V8 rumbles to life and Kara revs the engine a few times.

“The SLR does not have a complicated launch control procedure to ensure optimal starts. I just bury my right boot into the carpet and hold on for dear life.”

[Kara promptly does just that and with a brief snap of wheelspin, the SLR launches itself down the runway. Close-up of the speedometer and tachometer needles climbing steadily as the staccato beat of the V8 plays out like a tribal soundtrack. Switch to an inside shot of Kara.]

“Zero to 100 kilometers an hour passes in 3.8 seconds!” (she upshifts using the flappy-paddle gearbox levers) “8 seconds after that, I’m crossing the quarter mile mark at 125 miles an hour!”

[Shot of the SLR approaching the camera at a high rate of speed, followed by a switch to watching it leave the camera behind.]

“And with enough asphalt, the car is claimed to be able to reach 207 miles per hour!” [Her long hair is flying behind her in the airstream]

[Kara tears down the 2500m runway, the speedometer needle passing 300km/h. Kara lifts off the throttle, let’s the car slow to 200km/h and then hits the binders, the airbrake deploying and the nose of the car diving as the front ceramic rotors glow cherry-red. Jump cut to inside the car as Kara shifts forward violently against the harness, her hair covering her face, and then slams back into the seat.]

“Now I know how John Hurt’s character felt when they tried to pull that facehugger off him in Alien.”

[Kara executes a sweeping turn off the main runway and on to the adjacent one.]

“With the top down, the cabin is quite civilized. I’m doing 100 miles per hour and I don’t have to raise my voice for you to hear me. As with any convertible, removing the roof requires additional structural reinforcement which adds weight. However, thanks to the extensive use of carbon fiber, they were able to reinforce the tub with just a few extra sheets, negating the need for ugly cross-braces and heavy reinforcement tubes.”

[Kara slows and turns off the runway, heading for a large aircraft parking apron. She pulls off into a corner and stops the car. She kills the engine and steps out of the car. The camera closes in and does a slow 360-degree view of the car.]

“Styling-wise, it’s not the most handsome of cars, but it does not lack for presence. The long bonnet and the grills in the wings certainly give it character, as do the butterfly doors. The nose, said to be inspired by the McLaren-Mercedes Formula One cars, looks purposeful, as do the gaping vents below designed to suck in massive amounts of air to feed and cool the engine, as well as the brakes. Pull up in front of a trendy restaurant or night club in this, and you will attract an admiring crowd.”

[Fade cut to the interior.]

“And the interior certainly looks like a comfortable place to spend the day, though you will never mistake it for the interior of an Aston Martin – or even a Jaguar, for that matter. The leather is soft to the touch, but where Aston and Jaguar use aluminum or wood as trim pieces, the SLR gets plastic that would not be out of place on an entry-level Opel. And the plastic radio cover emblazed with the letters ‘S-L-R’ is just obnoxious.”

[Fade back to Kara and the car.]

“The roadster costs £350,000 - £50,000 more than the coupe and £100,000 more than the SL65 AMG. As opposed to the fully-automatic folding metal roof of the SL65, the SLR must make do with a semi-automatic cloth one, though Mercedes PR people assured me it’s of a “newly developed material” that is both light and strong. I am guessing it’s spun unobtanium, but it still looks and feels like cloth. And I say semi-automatic because you must manually latch and unlatch the roof, which then retracts within 10 seconds.

[Some more establishing shots of the car.]

“My two other main complaints are with the steering and brake feel. The tires don’t appear to speak the same language as the steering wheel and something is lost in the translation between them and you find yourself constantly making minor corrections in long bends to keep the car on track.

[Close-up of the massive 8-piston front brake caliper and 15” rotor.]

“The SLR uses Mercedes’ Sensotronic brake-by-wire system. Unfortunately, the system is binary in nature and therefore only offers two modes of pedal feel – totally off and totally on. Modulating the brakes requires extensive practice and it’s easy to get the force wrong. Fortunately, if you do cock it up, just press down hard and you’ll come to a stop in a matter of meters. Just hope the person tailgating you is paying attention.”

[Fade cut to Kara driving the car along the SS601 coastal road between Practica di Mare and Lido di Ostia. The sun is high and the waters of the Mediterranean to the west are blue. Voiceover by Kara.]

“The SLR has always been a different kind of hypercar. Unlike the Lamborghini Murciélago or Pagani Zonda, the SLR tilts firmly towards the grand tourer side of the equation. Like the Aston Martin DBS or Ferrari 599GTB, it effortlessly consumes kilometers, even if the ride is a bit harsher than either of those cars.

“This is where the car is best. Cruising along a coastal road at motorway speeds with the top down, the salty tang of the sea in your nose and the wind in your hair. Also a cute boy in the passenger seat, admiring your taste in clothes and cars.”


[Jump cut inside the car, looking at Kara from the passenger dash, the sea over her shoulder.]

“So, would I buy one? (pause) No. I can’t help but feel it’s just a big Mercedes with a big engine over the front wheels. The car accelerates and decelerates savagely and it can hustle around corners when pressed, which is impressive when you consider it tips the scales just north of 1800 kilograms. If I wanted to waft around in a big Mercedes roadster, I’d buy the SL55 - the £200,000 I save would comfortably cover the costs of a Ferrari Challenge Stradale for when I didn’t…”


Last edited by Kiskaloo on Tue 9 Mar 2010 - 17:00; edited 6 times in total

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by MP5 on Sat 13 Feb 2010 - 19:59

I like it! We'll just save "Canned Heat" and the 'Vote for Pedro' shirt for a different power lap.
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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Sat 13 Feb 2010 - 20:01

It's just a draft, so we can add both in the final version. Good

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by MP5 on Sat 13 Feb 2010 - 20:21

You know what, I think in order to keep The Stigette more "Stig-like", I was thinking the size of the bow should be more like that on a Hello Kitty logo. Small, but noticeable.
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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by rusty-spring on Sat 13 Feb 2010 - 21:55

@Kiskaloo wrote:Top Gear Draft
Dude, that was f-ing awesome. The pictures only add to that.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Alfisti on Sun 14 Feb 2010 - 1:42

Haha, awesome mate... nice little salutes to to Avatar and the Aventis episode of TG.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by ElfenMagix on Sun 14 Feb 2010 - 12:26

@Kiskaloo wrote:

That bottom car is a Dodge Charger, '69 - '71 vintage. The one above it definitely is a Camaro Z28.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 14 Feb 2010 - 12:53

@ElfenMagix wrote:That bottom car is a Dodge Charger, '69 - '71 vintage. The one above it definitely is a Camaro Z28.

That was intentional on my part. Laine doesn't like Fords, so I went with Chevy and Chrysler muscle cars. I have replaced it with the new Camaro.


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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 14 Feb 2010 - 12:55

I made some minor changes to the start of the story:

[Kara walks in from scene right, dressed in a Prada tank top of black ribbed silk with knot detail tucked into a Prada wrap miniskirt of black cotton burette secured with two metal and tortoise shell lockets, matched with black patent leather riding boots from Yves Saint Laurent.]

“This is the Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster.

[Jump cut to a view of the engine bay.]

"Like the coupe, it has is powered by a five-and-a-half liter supercharged V8 making 626 brake horsepower and 580 torques…”

[Jump cut back to Kara.]

“With that amount of power, launching this car from a stoplight feels much like what that Typhoon pilot just experienced.”

[Kara moves to sit down in the car. Because of the butterfly doors, you can see almost even with the seat bottom. Therefore, to prevent a “Strike Witches Moment” on television, Kara sits down perpendicular to the seat with her legs tightly held together and the soles of her boots flat to the ground. She then lifts both legs, still together, and rotates her body ninety degrees to the right, lifting her legs over the sill of the car, scissoring her boots against her thighs to keep her legs tightly together until she is properly seated. She reaches up and pulls down the door. Jump cut to the interior and Kara flips up the cover over the top of the transmission lever, pushing the Start button. The V8 rumbles to life and Kara revs the engine a few times.

“The SLR does not have a complicated launch control procedure to ensure optimal starts. I just bury my right boot into the carpet and hold on for dear life.”

[Kara promptly does just that and with a brief snap of wheelspin, the SLR launches itself down the runway. Close-up of the speedometer and tachometer needles climbing steadily as the staccato beat of the V8 plays out like a tribal soundtrack. Switch to an inside shot of Kara.]

“Zero to 100 kilometers an hour passes in 3.8 seconds!” (she upshifts using the flappy-paddle gearbox levers) “8 seconds after that, I’m crossing the quarter mile mark at 125 miles an hour!”

[Shot of the SLR approaching the camera at a high rate of speed, followed by a switch to watching it leave the camera behind.]

“And with enough asphalt, the car is claimed to be able to reach 207 miles per hour!” [Her long hair is flying behind her in the airstream]

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by ElfenMagix on Sun 14 Feb 2010 - 14:47

@Kiskaloo wrote:
@ElfenMagix wrote:That bottom car is a Dodge Charger, '69 - '71 vintage. The one above it definitely is a Camaro Z28.

That was intentional on my part. Laine doesn't like Fords, so I went with Chevy and Chrysler muscle cars. I have replaced it with the new Camaro.
Ford = Found On Road Dead... This would be interesting to see with the GsG girls around.

Its confusing to see a Dodge/Chrysler car next to the Chevy Badge. Most who do not know what the older cars were like would think a Charger is a Chevy by this pic. I can see Alpha bouncing Noobie's heads off car hoods... *WHAM!* THIS IS A CHEVY! *WHAM!* THIS IS A CHRYSLER! FEEL THE DIFFERENCE?!!

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Professor Voodoo on Sun 14 Feb 2010 - 16:11

@ElfenMagix wrote:
@Kiskaloo wrote:
Laine doesn't like Fords,
Ford = Found On Road Dead... This would be interesting to see with the GsG girls around.

Elio Alboreto & Jethro Blacker, both of whom have owned hot Fords during their lives begin to feel the hairs raise on the back of their necks...
Elio: You want to count F1 wins? It'll be easy for you GM/Chrysler lot...zero.
Jethro: I don't see any World Rally titles or LeMans wins there either.
Elio: (elbows Jethro and whispers) Opel did get a WRC title in '82...only GM World championship ever.
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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 14 Feb 2010 - 16:22

I wanted to also make a change to the scene transition from the end of Kara's road test and the start of the Power Lap. I also decided to start working on the next segment:

-----------

[Jump cut inside the car, looking at Kara from the passenger dash, the sea over her shoulder.]

“So, would I buy one? (pause) No. I can’t help but feel it’s just a big Mercedes with a big engine over the front wheels. The car accelerates and decelerates savagely and it can hustle around corners when pressed, which is impressive when you consider it tips the scales just north of 1800 kilograms. If I wanted to waft around in a big Mercedes roadster, I’d buy the SL55 - the £200,000 I save would comfortably cover the costs of a Ferrari Challenge Stradale for when I didn’t…

[Fade to Black as canned applause starts. Boom shot of the SLR in a hangar with a Piaggio P.180 Avanti II with the registration I-WOLF in the background. Only the car and plane are lit – the rest of the hangar is in shadow to “hide” the audience. Kara standing next to the SLR, dressed as before.]

“We must now see how fast it goes around our track. I don’t look good in baggy Nomex, so instead we shall call upon the talents of our pet racing driver. Some say she likes to dab a bit of 10W-30 behind each ear before a date…and that if she’d been the pilot of the two-woman bobsleigh team at the 2006 Winter Games, we’d have won the Gold instead of the Bronze. All we know is…she’s not The Stig, but she is The Stig’s little sister!”

[Jump cut to the SLR on the starting line at the ACI Vallelunga track. At the wheel is a small-statured person in a white Nomex racing suit and white Bell helmet with a pink bow attached to the back with always-stick Gaffer tape. Allison hammers the throttle and the car launches forward. Voiceover by Kara.]

“And she’s off! As I noted, there is no launch control in the SLR and The Stigette wouldn’t need it anyway! There she goes through the Curva Grande, The Stigette sawing at the wheel due to the vagueness of the steering…now decelerating hard for the first Cimini and then ease the power in for the second…not quite kissing the apex, but quite well, nonetheless…and now hard on the throttle down the straight towards the chicane…”

[Jump cut inside showing The Stigette working hard as “Canned Heat” by Jamiroquai plays in the background.]

“I prefer Mami Kawada when I’m driving fast, but w’ever. Now it’s time for the twisty section. How will The Stigette deal with the vague steering feel?”

[Cut to the SLR going through two successive 180° hairpins connected by a short straight. The SLR takes the wider first one easy, but The Stigette struggles manhandling it through the much tighter second, kicking a tire out onto the grass. She flies through the large esse and powers down the back straight to the final hairpin.]

“Just the Parabolica to go. Nice and clean through Roma and now off the exit and full-throttle down the main straight aaaannnddd across the line!”

[Cut back to Kara standing next to the SLR. The camera pans right with her as she moves to a tall metal sheet with “POWER LAP TIMES” on the top]

“I have the time here. It did it in 1 minute, 53 point 7 seconds! That makes it the fastest car around our track!”

[More canned applause as Kara reaches up on the toes of her boots to slap the magnetic strip on the board. The camera zooms in to see the name and time – neatly printed – and then a jump cut to a low wooden platform with the back seat of an Alfa 155 on the left side and the front seat of an Alfa 155 to the right, both in black leather and turned into a couch and chair. In front of them is an engine block with a sheet of strengthened glass atop it.

On the far left of the couch sits Claes, dressed in a white Burberry polo with a check-collar tucked into a twill kilt in the same check pattern and Loeffler Randall flat boots in tan leather. To her left (camera right) sits Laine, dressed in worn jeans, white Puma Ferrari sneakers, turquoise tube top and jacket in brown distressed leather.]


“You do realize that it’s the only car around our track,” Laine notes.

“Details details,” Kara replies. “Now…drifting! Evidently the Japanese started this twenty-five years ago, but recently it’s become popular in the United States and Australia and now it has made its way across the Pond and is now invading the Continent.”

“The producers decided we should learn to drift, so they gave us £1,500 – of our own money – to buy a car and have The Stigette teach us how to properly drift it,” Laine noted.

“Here’s how it went…” Kara states.


[Jump cut from the studio to the paddock area of the Vallelunga race track, which is entirely empty. Voice over by Laine.]

“We were told meet at a General Aviation airport outside Rome. And Kara was first to arrive…”

[Panning establishment shot of an aircraft tarmac. A red Alfa 75 approaches, gleaming in the sun. It looks quite nice until it stops and the camera performs a close-up, at which point you can see the paint is oxidized and the black trim pieces are more a dirty grey. Kara steps out in an Emilio Pucci sky blue silk super-mini dress with a multicolored zigzag print matched to Emilo Pucci cream leather thigh-high boots with metallic 10cm heels.]

“This is what I’ve bought. It’s a 1990 Alfa Romeo 75 and while it is not the best-looking car in the world, it does have near perfect weight distribution, a plucky turbo motor putting out 165 brake horsepower and a limited slip differential, which Wikipedia tells me is important in a drift car. And it cost me only 900 of my Pounds…

“Next to arrive was Laine…”


[A black Jaguar coupe pulls up next to the Alfa and Laine exits wearing a gingham blouse tied into a half-shirt that exposes her midriff, a pale pair of denim jeans tucked into red leather cowgirl boots, and a straw cowboy hat on her head. The secret American had finally shown her colors.]

“I thought the Royal Navy retired all their battleships,” Kara quips as she approaches.

“Behold the magnificence of British Leyland engineering! A 1983 Jaguar XJ-S H.E. with a 5.3 liter V12 belting out 295 brake horsepower,” Laine notes with pride. “And all for £1100!”

“And just how do you plan to wrestle that beast sideways around a track?” Kara asks.

“Easy! The majority of the weight is over the front wheels, so when I brake hard, that should lock up the fronts and let the back end swing around like a pendulum!” Laine replies. She walks over and looked inside Kara’s Alfa, noting the multi-colored herringbone cloth covering.

“Is this that new pixilated camouflage I hear the US Armed Forces are adopting?” she teases.


[Before Kara can reply, a rumble is heard as a metallic red Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder appears. It pulls up next to the other two and Claes steps out. Petrushka has styled and dressed her identical to the Lake Maggiore mission so she looks like she’s in her late teens.

“Uh, Claes. The budget was £1,500, not £150,000,” Laine notes as Kara pinches her nose between her fingers.

“This is the only car I know how to drive,” Claes responds. “And besides, it didn’t cost me anything. I borrowed it from my boyfriend.”

“He is not your boyfriend!” Kara shouts and Claes smiles sweetly at her.

“Free or not, an all-wheel drive car is not optimal for drifting. So let’s crack open the Auto Trader and see what we can find,” Laine notes.


[A black screen appears with the words “Some time later”. Screen fades back to the paddock area later in the day and a flatbed truck is pulling up with a red 1995 Nissan 200SX. Voice over by Kara.]

“All right, now that we have selected our cars, we need to learn how to drift them. Fortunately, The Stigette is an ace drifter so she agreed to give us some pointers.”

[Jump cut to a Toyota Corolla AE86 in a hard drift, prodigious amounts of tire smoke billowing off the back end. Cut to an inside shot of The Stigette working the wheel while Kara is in the passenger seat, a look somewhere between terror and exhilaration on her face. Voice over by Laine.]

“And then with The Stigette in the passenger seat, it was our turn.”

[Inside shot of Laine working the wheel, The Stigette merely making motions with her hands since she cannot speak.]

“Before…before the corner? Turn before the corner? Ok!”

[Inside shot looking out the windscreen as Laine turns the wheel hard. Jump to outside shot of the Jaguar making a somewhat ragged 412° turn.]

“Well that hasn’t gone well,” Laine notes.

[More shots of The Stigette using hand signals, Laine trying to interpret them, and the Jaguar pirouetting. More shots of the same with Kara behind the wheel of the Alfa and Claes behind the wheel of the 200SX. Voice over by Laine.]

“Eventually, we began to get the hang of it.”

[Long panning shots of all three cars drifting across the tarmac, laying down tire smoke, then righting themselves to shoot down a taxiway and perform another drift onto the runway. The scene changes to the three girls standing in a group in front of their cars. Rico appears dressed in a white lab coat and hands Claes a golden envelope. She then turns and stands there, smiling at the camera. An arm appears, grabs her by the shoulder, and yanks her out of scene. Claes opens the envelope and reads the contents.]

“Having proven you and your cars are both capable of drifting, you may now use the money you have remaining to tune your cars to make them better drifters.”

[Scene change to the “Top Gear Italy Technology Center” – a basic garage like in the “Cheap Alfa Romeo Challenge” in Series 11, Episode 03. The Jaguar is up on a lift while the Alfa and 200SX remain on the ground.

Kara walks in wearing her Emilio Pucci outfit, however she’d added a brilliant white lab coat. Laine and Claes, both having donned mechanic’s overalls which fit loosely over their clothes, stare at her.]


“What?” Kara asks.

[Fade cut to Kara now also dressed in mechanic’s overalls and her black Puma Ferrari sneakers.]

“Supposedly drift cars do not need powerful engines, but that’s ridiculous,” Kara scoffs. “Therefore, I am replacing the stock turbocharger and intercooler units with larger ones from an Alfa 155 GTAZ which should give me close to 200 brake horsepower.”

“My car doesn’t lack for power,” Laine noted with a sly smile. “I have therefore decided to work on the handling side since Jaguar’s were tuned for comfort, and not sport. This is doubly so with the XJ-S H.E. series where the boffo boffins at BL decided to remove the rear anti-roll bar to improve the front handling. The first thing I am going to do is install a polyurethane bushing set. This is said to dramatically improve the handling without changing the ride comfort or requiring any changes to the suspension geometry.”


[Camera shifts to Claes, who is sitting on a plastic chair reading a book. She looks up at the camera.]

“I’m quite satisfied with how my car works, thank you.”

“How about a bigger turbo?” Kara offers.

“Or a suspension tweak?” Laine suggests.

“No,” Claes replies, firmly, and returns to reading.


[Camera pans to show Kara looking down at her engine bay, holding the new turbo in one hand, her face one of confusion. Camera then pans to Laine, who is using an air gun to remove the tires and then start unbolting the suspension so she can install the new bushings. In the corner stands The Stigette, her arms crossed. While you cannot see her face, from her stance you cannot help but imagine she must be thinking “what a bunch of pikers”.]


Last edited by Kiskaloo on Sun 28 Feb 2010 - 15:28; edited 5 times in total

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by ElfenMagix on Sun 14 Feb 2010 - 16:32

Prof. Voodoo - Good

Kisk - Good Good

[Camera pans to show Kara looking down at her engine bay, holding the new turbo in one hand, her face one of confusion. Camera then pans to Laine, who is using an air gun to remove the tires and then start unbolting the suspension so she can install the new bushings. In the corner stands The Stigette, her arms crossed. While you cannot see her face, from her stance you cannot help but imagine she must be thinking “what a bunch of pikers”.]
LOL! This reminds me of an old Archie Comic when Betty got her first car and Veronica was helping her "soup it up" by pouring a can of chicken soup down the carb's throat!

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by MP5 on Sun 14 Feb 2010 - 17:14

I thought this might be slightly funnier:

[Jump cut inside showing The Stigette working hard as “Canned Heat” by Jamiroquai plays in the background. Notably, she is wearing a "Vote for Pedro" shirt.]

“And there's The Stigette proudly showing her support for Pedro; she recently watched Napoleon Dynamite thinking it was a documentary of high-school teenagers. Now it’s time for the twisty section. Will the SLR end up dancing as abstractly as Jon Heder?”

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 28 Feb 2010 - 17:08

Previously, on Top Gear: Italy:

[Camera pans to show Kara looking down at her engine bay, holding the new turbo in one hand, her face one of confusion. Camera then pans to Laine, who is using an air gun to remove the tires and then start unbolting the suspension so she can install the new bushings. In the corner stands The Stigette, her arms crossed. While you cannot see her face, from her stance you cannot help but imagine she must be thinking “what a bunch of pikers”.]

------

[A black screen appears with the words “the following October”. Screen fades back to the aircraft tarmac where three shapes under oversized car covers were parked in a neat row. Voiceover from Laine.]

“With our modifications complete, our cars were brought to the Top Gear Italy Test Track.

[All three girls, now back in their outfits at the start of the drifting segment, walk into shot from camera right.]

“I spent £900 on my Alfa, which gave me £600 to spend on improvements,” Kara notes. “The new turbocharger was £350 and I spent another £150 on an…advisor, yeah that’s it, an advisor, to help me with the installation. With the remaining £100 I had the car detailed.”

[She pulls the cover off to show a cleaner, but otherwise visually unchanged, Alfa 75. Laine walks forward to her car and removes the cover. Like Kara’s 75, the Jaguar looks unchanged.]

“I spent £1100 on my Jaguar and another £100 on new suspension bushings. Unlike Kara, I didn’t need an advisor to help me install them, which left me another £300 to install a nitrous oxide kit, boosting my horsepower to over 400.”

[Claes walks over to her car, yanks off the cover to reveal the exact same car she’d started with, and walks back.]

“I spent £1400 on my 200SX and I used the extra £100 to buy some books on Amazon.co.uk and a nice lunch.”

[The three girls get in their vehicles, start the engines, and roar off. They proceed to start drifting again, with varying levels of effectiveness. Soon, large billowing clouds of steam start to appear from under Kara’s Alfa.]

“While my new turbocharger produced plenty of boost and horsepower, it also produced plenty of heat – well beyond what my Alfa’s stock cooling system could handle, evidently.”

[Kara pulls into the “pit area” and you can see steam billowing out from under the hood and a torrent of water flowing out from under the car, forming a pool.

Allison appears, dressed in mechanic’s overalls. She pops the hood and carefully removes the radiator cap, jumping back to avoid receiving a face full of steam. Jump cut to her carefully pouring water into the radiator fill spout.]


“With my radiator topped off, I went out and did a few more drifts…at which point I needed to come back into the pits and top off again.”

[Another jump cut to Claes, her face a mixture of both annoyance and boredom as she robotically steers the S14 into one drift after another.]

----------

You'll need to add Laine's shenanigans, rusty, and feel free to suggest some more stuff for Allison to do, MP5.

Also, rusty, I changed Laine's outfit at the start of the Drifting Challenge to the one you have her wearing in the Top Gear US Road Trip - gingham blouse tied into a half-shirt that exposes her midriff, a pale pair of denim jeans tucked into red leather cowgirl boots, and a straw cowboy hat on her head. I also added "The secret American had finally shown her colors" line.

And I changed Kara's outfit to an Emilio Pucci sky blue silk super-mini dress with a multicolored zigzag print matched to Emilo Pucci cream leather thigh-high boots with metallic 10cm heels. She is still wearing that (now with a white lab coat) when she walks into the Top Gear Italy Technology Center, eliciting Guh? from Laine and Claes, who are both in mechanic's overalls to which Kara replies "what?". Then there is a jump cut and she's in overalls and sneakers, as well, as she stares at the engine bay of her Alfa with the new turbo in her hand.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by rusty-spring on Sun 28 Feb 2010 - 18:39

[Both hands carrying 5 gallon buckets filled with water, Laine sets them down with a splash next to Kara.]

"That outta keep you topped up for the next few laps."

[Kara, gives Laine a withering expression and flicks a bottle of water at her. Avoiding the Alfa's lifeblood, Laine hops inside of her Jaguar, and takes off onto the track. With a flick of the wrist the large car sweeps around a turn, back end kicking out in a wide arc.]


"Now, if I recall, I was quoted to say that my car had enough power with it's stock engine."

[She hammers the throttle out of the drift.]

"Definitely 295 is nothing to scoff about, but then I realized - There's no such thing as 'enough power.'"

[She grins a bit at the camera, then drifts around another corner. Despite an upgraded suspension, the car still leans heavily with each maneuver.]

"That's why I've installed this nitrous kit."

[Laine points to a set of large pressurized bottles sitting behind the passenger seat. They are attached to gauges, which are in turn attached to hoses that sneak into the cars infrastructure.]


"Let me explain a bit how nitrous works."


[Arriving at the largest straight on the track, Laine straightens out and indicates at a button set into the dash.]


"I hit this button, and I go faster."

[On cue, she taps the button, and soon we see the cabin lurch a bit as the pressurized gas enters the engine. A rear view of the Jaguar shows a bit of fire spit out of the exhaust with a loud bang. Laine gives a concerned look for a split second, but quickly fades.]


"This is probably a good time to mention that I've actually never used a nitrous system before..."


[She double checks her safety harness.]

"No no, I'm sure it'll be fine."


[Kara watches from her car's watering hole, as Laine storms past. She cringes as the Jaguar approaches the Nissan from a blind spot. Cut to Laine inside the cabin.]


"Out of the way Claes!"


[The Jaguar sprints by the 200SX in a cloud of dust, dirt, and the roar of the engine. Claes slams on her brakes and her car screeches to a halt. Meanwhile the Jag misses the next corner and spins into the grass. Cut to Laine looking comically calm inside the interior as the world spins around outside the cabin.]


"I'm sure the answer is always to power out."

[Instead of returning to the asphalt, Laine presses the nitrous button again and the Jag throws a massive amount of dirt into the air and gouges deep tracks into the grass.]

"Oh yes, that's it."

[Claes sits there, hands on the wheel in a steel grasp. Suddenly a shadow fills her cabin and the Jaguar leaps over a small berm and lands directly in front of the Nissan. A large cloud of dust shrouds the camera. As the dust clears, Laine is smiling meekly and waves her hands in apology towards Claes.]


"Oops."


Last edited by rusty-spring on Sun 28 Feb 2010 - 23:48; edited 2 times in total

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 28 Feb 2010 - 18:46

Full of Win

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 28 Feb 2010 - 21:19

Cheap Car Challenges involve multiple criteria to determine a "winner", so that should be the same case here with our "Cheap Drift Car Challenge".

One of the criteria will be "Top Speed". Claes will rightly point out that top speed has nothing to do with drifting, but Kara will note that who has the highest top speed is important for bragging rights (at least until she learns Laine's V12 XJS holds the speed crown sweat). The top speed test will be performed along the runway at Latina Air Base, which is about 100km south east of Rome. This will also be where the drifting stuff is shot.

Of course, they have to get to Latina from the SWA Compound, so there will be a Reliability category and a Fuel Economy category, as well. And we should have an Independent Adjudicator take each car for a lap around the "track".

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by MP5 on Sun 28 Feb 2010 - 21:35

That works, Kisk. Stigette gets on twice in the challenge as Independent Adjudicator.

That, or they somehow get Yasayuki Kazama in on the action for a drift lap. Or Keiichi Tsuchiya...

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 1 Mar 2010 - 13:55

rusty-spring: You'll need to add Laine's outfit and any commentary on the ZR1 she wishes to make.

We'll also need some dialogue about her drive in the ZR1.

MP5 - Since The Stigette can't speak, there won't be dialogue, but we will need descriptions of her storming around the Transfăgărăşan in the Toyota Corolla GT-S.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Mon 8 Mar 2010 - 0:08

Okay, here is my first draft at the opening part of the story.

==================================

Allison threw open the door to the room Kara and Ilaria shared in the Cyborg Warehouse.

“You guys! You won’t believe this! It’s awesome! It’s fantastic!” she exclaimed, breathing heavily.

“What?” Laine asked from where she sat on Kara’s bed.

Top Gear is holding a fan video contest! The winner gets a whole bunch of Top Gear swag, tickets to a taping and a Vuxhall VXR8 Bathurst Edition saloon!”

“Why would they do that?” Laine asked.

“It’s all the rage on the Internet,” Allison noted. “There is that Dutch group who call themselves “Top Gear Flanders” and those three blokes in Los Angeles who did a “Best Driving Road in California”. They all make these fan tributes and post them up on YouTube. Now with Top Gear Live running around the world, evidently the BBC have decided to hold a contest to make an actual Top Gear episode.”

“Where did you find out about this?” Kara asked.

“It’s on their website,” Allison replied.

Kara opened a new browser window and navigated to the site. Sure enough, there was a banner for the “I Can Make a Better Episode Than Those Three Wazzocks” splashed across the top page.

“Contest open to residents of the United Kingdom, Ireland and the European Union. Each episode must be filmed in HDV or DV and must include one car review with a Power Lap at a closed circuit and one challenge with a price limit of £1500 / €1750,” Kara read.

“We’d so ace this!” Allison gushed. “We’d review one of Michele’s super exotics and then for the challenge we could build drift cars!”

“What cars?” Triela asked.

“Drift cars! Go to YouTube, Kara, and search for ‘Yasuyuki Kazama’,” Allison instructed. Kara did so and called up a video with Kazama teaching Richard Hammond how to drift a Vauxall Monaro VX-R.

“Hey, I remember that episode,” Laine noted. “That’s the one where James May recorded the theme song using engine noises.”

“Anyway. I love drifting and I love tinkering so I can help us find three solid cars and tweak them out. Plus we’re in Italy so we can add an epic drive to Stelvio and get the handler’s to film it,” Allison added.

“Just where do you expect to find the time to do all this?” Laine asked.

“I thought I’d ask Brian for some time off. I think two weeks would be enough,” Allison noted.

“Damn, you are new here,” Triela noted with a laugh. “The Chief would be lucky to give you two days off and if Jean had his way, asking for two hours of free time would require Papal Dispensation.”

“When’s the due date for the movies?” Laine asked.

“Uh, about three weeks,” Kara noted.

“We’ll we could shoot the car review and perform the work on the drift cars during our downtime. And you and Michele are going to Track Day next weekend at Vallelunga, right?”

“You’re not seriously considering doing this, are you?” Kara asked.

“Why not? We staged that Epic Race to London a few months back. I mean, how hard can it be?”

“Don’t say that!” Kara and Triela exclaimed together, and a moment later all four girls were doubled-over from belly laughs.

“It will be great, Kara! Since we’d be using one of your handler’s cars, you can take Clarkson’s role and perform the road test,” Allison noted. She turned to Laine. “With your love of muscle cars, I think you’d make a good Richard Hammond–“

“You’ll need your teeth whitened,” Triela noted, a moment later taking a pillow to the face from Laine.

“So you’ll be James May?” Kara asked Allison.

Allison shook her head. “No, I thought I’d take the role of The Stig’s little sister. I thought Triela could fill the role, since she has her license now.”

“It sounds like a fun idea, but unfortunately Hilshire and I have…engagements…in Naples, Brindisi and Siena over the next two weeks so I’ll either be away from the compound or when I’m home, I’ll be deep in training.”

“Damn,” Allison said. “We need three presenters, so I suppose I could do both roles, since you don’t see The Stig with the others usually.”

“Claes can drive,” Triela noted.

“Really?” Allison said. She looked to Kara.

“Well…” Kara noted. “Michele taught her and she drove the Gallardo from Milan to Florence, but I wouldn’t say she’s qualified. Plus I don’t think she’d be interested.”

“Interested in what?” Claes asked as she walked in.

“Performing the role of James May in a Top Gear video homage we’re thinking of doing,” Laine said.

“No thank you,” Claes said.

“Oh come on, Claes,” Triela said. “James May is the sensible one so you can just be yourself.”

Claes merely replied with her trademark scowl.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I think it’s a great idea,” Michele replied when Allison’s handler Brian McDonnell brought the Top Gear challenge up the following morning.

“Seriously?” Clayland Stanaway said.

“Kara needs to socialize more,” Michele replied. “She’s friendly enough with the original girls, but she doesn’t spend much time with the Generation 2’s outside of your Laine and Ilaria, and the latter is more because they share a room. And Claes certainly could do with more social interaction, now that she’s active again.”

“My Allison tends to get a bit…excited…about things, but she’s a good kid. And she loves to tinker and tune. She really knows her car mechanicals,” Brian noted.

“Well Kara may look like a gear head, but she’s really all about the driving,” Michele noted. “She can identify the major parts of an engine, but she confided to me that she has no interest in the actually mechanicals themselves. All she asks is that it goes fast when she puts her foot down and tracks well in the corners.”

“So you’re okay if they take a stab at this?” Brian asked.

“Sure. I’m going to be away for a week-plus with the PM on his visit to Asia and Australia so both of the girls are effectively on stand-by while I’m away.” He turned to Laine’s handler.

“Clayland?”

“As long as Laine doesn’t get behind the wheel of any of your supercars, I’m okay with it. I can’t handle a five-figure insurance claim if she stuffs your Aston Martin in Trevi Fountain,” Clayland noted.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day before he left on his trip, Michele took delivery of a new Mercedes SLR McLaren roadster in Crystal Covelline Blue Metallic with Sand interior. Allison suggested that Kara use this car for the video review as opposed to the original plan of the Gallardo Spyder because while the SLR had made a number of appearances on Top Gear, it had always been the coupe. Kara readily agreed since she was already quite familiar with the Lamborghini.

Michele, through his retired Aeronautica Millitaire General father, had arranged the use of the Practica di Mare and Latina air bases for filming. Well before dawn, Kara drove the SLR to Practica di Mare with Brian and Allison leading in a Citroën CX Familiale estate, chosen because it’s self-leveling suspension provided an incredibly stable platform for the Sony HVR-S270U HDV camcorder. Brian lay in the back with the tailgate open, allowing him a 180° field of shooting, while Allison drove. They shot the footage at the airfield and then drove back to Rome.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, how was it?” Laine asked Kara and Allison as the three of them filled their plates at the breakfast buffet.

“Brian played back a bit of the footage on the drive back and it looked sharp,” Allison replied.

“And you loved the car, of course,” Laine asked Kara.

“It was a blast to drive, but if it was my money, I’d have saved most of it and bought an SL55,” Kara admitted.

“On the bright side, it will be nice to drive to Romania,” Allison noted.

“Romania?” Kara exclaimed. “What’s in Romania?”

“Oh, didn’t I mention it? Since the Stelvio Pass is still snow-bound, we need a new road. I looked on the Internet and found this place in Romania called the Transfăgărăşan.”

“The what?”

“Transfăgărăşan. It’s a road in Romania. You have to see it to believe it. Think of the greatest corners of the greatest race tracks. Eau Rouge at Spa. The Lesmos at Monza. 130R at Suzuka. Tamburello at Imola. The Maggots-Becketts-Chapel complex at Silverstone. This thing has them all – and more. It makes Davos to Stelvio look like a slot-car track.”

“You want us to drive to Romania…” Kara said.

“It’s only 2000 kilometers! We could be there and back in a weekend!” Allison replied.

Ro-main-eee-ah.”

“Jeremy Clarkson drove that far in an SLR in the Oslo Race,” Laine noted.

“How did your butt feel when you arrived in London in the Camaro?” Kara asked.

“It was fine,” Laine replied, her head down as she idly kicked a divot in the dirt with the toe of her right sneaker.

“Uh huh…That was 1000 kilometers,” Kara reported and she saw Laine wince.

“Budapest is about right in the mid-point of the journey,” Allison stated. “So we could drive there, spend the night, and then proceed to the Transfăgărăşan in the morning and then head back that evening. It would be a cakewalk for us cyborgs.”

“And what about Brian and Clayland in the camera and support vehicles? They don’t have our stamina, remember,” Kara stated.

“Ooohh…” Allison said, remembering her and Laine’s handlers.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Is there an airport nearby? We could fly Michele’s plane there,” Laine suggested back in Kara’s room after breakfast.

Kara shook her head. “I still don’t have my multi-engine rating so I can’t fly it on my own.”

She went to the Wikipedia page for Sibiu, Romania, which was the northern terminus of the Transfăgărăşan.

“I’ll be damned. There is scheduled air service there from Milan!” Kara noted.

“Then we’re good,” Laine noted. “We can ship the cars on ahead by truck and then fly to Sibiu to meet up with them. So we can perform the shoot in a single day.”

“Okay. So what do we take?” Allison asked. “With all those corners, I want something driftable, so I think I am going to take my AE86 Corolla.”

“Well my Camaro is useless around corners, so I’ll need to find something better. Can you hook me up with something like a Corvette ZR1?” Laine asked Kara.

“Probably,” Kara replied.

“I’m joking, Kara,” Laine grinned.

“I’m not. I want something different than the SLR. I’m sure Claes will demand the Gallardo so I need to find something else. Michele has a relationship with a local exotic car rental place so I’m sure we can get you a ZR1 along with whatever I end up with.”

“We’re also going to need to get some drifting cars for the ‘Cheap Car Challenge’,” Allison noted. She pulled a thick copy of “Auto Trader Rome” from her messenger bag and started thumbing through it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the weekend they filmed the Power Lap of the SLR along with the “studio segments” in the hangar where Michele stored his P.180. They took delivery of Kara’s and Laine’s rentals and everything was packed up onto a closed car transporter and sent east to Romania, following along via airplane a few days later to shoot the rest of the segment.

Once they had that done it was time to perform the editing. They borrowed Michele’s Power Mac and dumped the raw HDV footage into Final Cut Pro, made their edits, and sent it back to tape.

“Okay, let’s see how it turned out,” Allison noted. All four girls huddled around the 30” Cinema Display.


Last edited by Kiskaloo on Mon 8 Mar 2010 - 11:28; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by MP5 on Mon 8 Mar 2010 - 1:37

I like it, Kisk! Excellent job capturing Allison's enthusiasm.

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Re: Cyborgs make a fan-made Top Gear episode

Post by Kiskaloo on Tue 9 Mar 2010 - 16:49

And It's Done!

We hope you enjoy reading it half as much as we did writing it!

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