Next-Gen: A Short Story

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Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Robert Frazer on Thu 4 Nov 2010 - 12:38

Continue, Y/N? Since the traumatic death of her handler, the cyborg Dona has been inoperative - but the Agency cannot let such an expensive asset lie wastefully dormant for so long. Every method is being used to reawaken her - even the more esoteric ones.

Chapter One

I never originally intended to make much of Dona - she was a McGuffin for Long Weekened more than anything else. People have taken to her so well and responded to her so fondly, though (even getting a shoutout in "Shakespeare in the Dorm"), I felt that it would be worthwhile making her a more established part of the Agency - and the ranks of the First Generation could do with filling out, seeing as they've been incurring all of the casualties in the manga! This story will thus depict Dona's return to active duty.

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by ElfenMagix on Thu 4 Nov 2010 - 14:34

Very interesting, I must say. A little wordy and lengthy but the attention to details make up for it. thumbs up t you RF.

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Kiskaloo on Thu 4 Nov 2010 - 15:12

Yeah, a bit heavy on the adjectives this time. Normally I find they season the story, but I admit to actually losing my place a few times because of them.

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Alfisti on Fri 5 Nov 2010 - 12:52

Liking where you're taking this one Robert. Again, as has been noted, you're showing a talent for showing a side of the agency most don't really give a lot of time to. You protaganist is suitably annoying and his actions are certainly a contrast against the more seasoned Agency personnel.

Fuller thoughts later. As has been noted by others, and lets be honest here: your writing style can be a bit heavy at times. Don't take that as saying it needs a change though, because it doesn't and I love reading it... however I also need to be fully awake and caffinated to completely appreciate it and be able to read in-depth enough to feel I can offer feedback.

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Professor Voodoo on Sat 6 Nov 2010 - 16:21

Well, this is a bit awkward...the theme of your new story is so similar to something I'm working on that I might reasonably be declared a plagiarist. A young, low level SISDE employee with no military background & owns no car becomes tied up with Section Two, being thrown into a relationship with a loose cyborg who has no handler. Sound familiar? Hopefully my own work is distinct enough that nobody notices the similarities.

That's what I get for sitting on the first few chapters so long.

But on to Chapter One of your story...
There was another dinner later in the year where they didn't have to drag their brats along, but Zinanni, purveyor of convenient sundries, never got invited to that one.
A subtle exposition of where the senior Zinanni stands with respect to his peers.
Apparently, the Ancient, Loyal And Worshipful Company Of Costermongers ranked below the Marches Guild Of Dentists And Orthodontists, although they did come in above the League of Traditional Tanners.
You make them sound more like fraternal lodges than trade unions!
Benito had thought that he'd been looking at a menu and was wondering if 'cobblers' was supposed to be a cuisinaire's name for a type of steak.
The perspective is kept well within the somewhat limited confines of a 14 year old's experience.
"You look like some English grandfather." She pulled a face with the sour sting of limes.
Elio: Hey, what's wrong with that?!
an ad from the compound's groundskeeper, Ramsey, asking if anyone wanted to buy a second-hand lawnmower that the Maintenance department was 'decommissioning'.
It amazes me how a minor background character has been so enthusiastically adopted by the community at large. I suppose he adds a colorful bit of background setting.
Speaking of background the entire morning break scene creates a picture of the anonymous masses that labor in anonymity while Section Two and its cyborgs jet around Italy & the world reaping the glory.
"Er, er, I, that is," Benito suddenly felt a flush of fear pit his stomach. "I'm, uh, —benitozinannifromsectionone. And - andisawyouradvertinthemessand-"
As effective and funny as Rico's garbled "sleepy talk" from WBFP.
Don't bother signing out of your office, I'll square everything with Chief Draghi later on. See you there."
Draghi's enmity toward the cyborgs is well known, but I wonder what sort of relationship he has with the doctors. Presumably he must depend on them to patch up his people as well.
It looked a little absurd compared to the black jumper, heavy canvas pants and boots that he was wearing underneath it.
I'm afraid I'm not entirely familiar with the garment you've referred to twice. Some kind of housecoat that fits over the clothes perhaps?
"Very good, Donatello! That will be enough for the moment! You can try again very soon!" Belisario called out in an encouraging voice.
I'm getting a distinct "mad scientist" vibe from the doctors here.
"What's that she's wearing?" "It looks like some sort of collar."
"That's because it is." Belisario shrugged. "A Shock Collar."
Funny and almost surreal...a logical precaution for the doctors but it must seem horrifying to Benito.
She seemed reluctant to move when Belisario had announced that that would be all for today, and was only cajoled back upright when Bianchi stepped forward and told her that if she helped them a little now, she'd be able to play more later.
Hmmm...the pieces are beginning to fall into place.
"The Octavia, in the meantime, has been winning gold medals for reliability across the board. Even if it was legitimate for old Skodas to be so poorly-received, the company's had plenty of time to put it right."
I was reasonably pleased with the Octavia's I occasionally rented in Germany during the mid to late-90's...they were at least as good as the comparable Fords & Opels I drove.
I just like to have a complete handle on whatever I turn my attention to. It's the nature of my profession."
Seems like the nature of Belisario's character as well.
he wondered how many evenings Bianchi would spend agonising over the import of his cave-wall daubing.
And a comment on the character of Bianchi to go with it.
such lowly grunt work was punishment from Chief Draghi for Benito and Toni's clumsy handling of attempts to contact Dona during Operation Painter-2.
Nicely tied in.
the particular grades of pencil she uses to draw with..."
Some common ground for the two to build on?
"Hello, Carlita, it's Benito Zinanni reporting in. The day code is DCD76. Back home with no troubles."
Well that's a clever device. Perhaps like your Primary Command book it might catch on.
So, there it was, laid out before him – one bedroom, one bathroom, one table, one chair, one couch, one life.
Good line.
He supposed that he could call it a bachelor pad, but that name had pretensions of urbane style and savvy in society which Benito in all honesty couldn't say he possessed.
The term Bachelor Pad also carries with it the implication that its occupant seeks to someday discard the title of Bachelor...something unlikely considering Benito's vocation.
He saw cyborgs at the Agency all the time! Well, he sometimes caught a glance of one standing behind her handler at the other end of the office, perhaps once or twice a week.
Some more detail might have been enjoyable here.
Benito lifted himself from the couch, grabbed the CIA World Factbook off of its shelf, opened it with a creak of its spine at a random page,
That actually doesn't sound like a bad evening. I can occupy myself for hours with an almanac or encyclopedia. Wikipedia & IMDb, with their easy linking from topic to topic, has wasted a good portion of my life.

Excellent work...I await the next chapter eagerly!

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Robert Frazer on Sat 6 Nov 2010 - 21:20

.the theme of your new story is so similar to something I'm working on

Well... great minds think alike, eh?

You make them sound more like fraternal lodges than trade unions!

There are a few like that, actually, in England at least - going back to the days of old city guilds that have been around since the towns were first built. I'm probably making a horrid sweeping generalisation that really should make the historian in me cringe, but for the sake of a nice opening I though that such things would be even more prevalent in Italy given that a contiguous urban culture there has survived for millenia, along with a history of patrician families and so forth.

Speaking of background the entire morning break scene creates a picture of the anonymous masses that labor in anonymity while Section Two and its cyborgs jet around Italy & the world reaping the glory.

Yeah, I'd agree that Public Safety would be the stubby legs kicking away while the graceful Special Operations swan glides on the surface. I think that Section One are conscious of it themselves - I believe it's where a lot of Draghi's antagonism comes from, and the Section One team that captured Franca wanted to win some kudos for themselves. Alas, pride comes before a fall, as they found out to their cost... and that's the chief tradeoff to bear in mind. The meat of intelligence gathering and analysis is not glamorous and is mostly desk-based paperwork... but it comes with rather more job security. Maybe they don't get paid as much but they will most likely be able to pick up their pension. In Section Two, your P45 usually arrives attached to a bullet.

I'm afraid I'm not entirely familiar with the garment you've referred to twice. Some kind of housecoat that fits over the clothes perhaps?

Ah, sorry. Jumper = Sweater. That's it!

Some common ground for the two to build on?

I briefly touched on it with a throwaway reference in WBFP, but what I was imagining that this is part of Dona's cyborg gimmick. Art is not so much Dona's pastime as her specialty - she has a photographic memory, which is useful in intelligence gathering. She doesn't need to steal documents and create suspicion, she can visually scan them and write it all out later (even if it's all just squiggles on paper to her), or see and later sketch someone's face without him wondering why the girl with the camera keeps turning towards him.

Well that's a clever device. Perhaps like your Primary Command book it might catch on.

It makes sense - if you have people regularly entering and leaving your secret base, you want to make sure they don't get snatched or compromised. It's just a way of keeping tabs on the staff.

Some more detail might have been enjoyable here.

Hmm, I see what you're saying, although the point is that there's not all that much to tell because he's only ever had the lightest indirect brush with them. Still, I suppose I could have ruminated on what he thought of that situation more than I did.

That actually doesn't sound like a bad evening. I can occupy myself for hours with an almanac or encyclopedia. I can occupy myself for hours with an almanac or encyclopedia. Wikipedia & IMDb, with their easy linking from topic to topic, has wasted a good portion of my life.

I'd agree. And yes, everyone's been guilty of going on a Magical Mystery Tour every now and again.

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Alfisti on Sun 7 Nov 2010 - 12:07

Ok. little more awake and a little further along in my own fan-doings...

@Robert Frazer wrote:Apparently, the Ancient, Loyal And Worshipful Company Of Costermongersranked below the Marches Guild Of Dentists And Orthodontists, althoughthey did come in above the League of Traditional Tanners.
Loved this whole opening section and appreciating it more now that I'm awake enough to take it all in. It puts me a little in mind of the way Terry Pratchett describes the guilds of Ankh Morpork, in the pomp and ceremony of what are, these days, oft considered quite menial pursuits.

and those assigned to work in the Public Front during the Agency's open days,
Liked the recognition that the SWA must keep at least some staff on simply to maintain it's "civillian" image. It makes me wonder just how much of the budget goes toward maintaining that face... or is it all funded by the annual charity ball?

That was quite enough about Timeo Rosso's arguments with the mechanic about his car's leaky hydraulics for one morning.
Did he actually listen all the way through? From what we know of Benito's personality I'm guessing not. The use of cassets rather than a digital medium is a nice touch as well, the afore mentioned budget obviously hasn't spent as much of its time with Section One as it does with Section Two.

He was tall, broad-shouldered, and had closely-cropped dark hair. Hewalked in without hesitation, nodded a silent hello to someone wholooked at him a little curiously, and made his way straight over to thetrolleys. He grabbed the handles of each of the urns in turn to testtheir weight, and then picked up the fullest before making to leave.
Avise feeding his habit?

Again it's an interesting take to see the Handlers from the perspective of one of the lower ranks... a sort of minor deity who can call down the wrath of a section chief in and instant. As readers of the manga, of fanfiction and viewers of the anime we see the handler experience warts and all, but it would make sense for the office bound to mostly see the glamour.

A fresh new notice, printed on prominent mustard-yellow paper, hadbeen pinned up. It covered the old notice for the Section Two handlers'Sports Day and Fitness Trials that had already been and gone, and an adfrom the compound's groundskeeper, Ramsey, asking if anyone wanted tobuy a second-hand lawnmower that the Maintenance department was'decommissioning'.
On this new notice was a piece of clip art ofa cartoon duck preparing to smash up a poor, abused computer monitorwith a mallet, and beside it in bold, black print:
The notice board is a great way of quickly adding a sense of, I guess "life" to the SWA, making it more human and less an organisation. It's something that got discussed in length actually with my graphic design lecturer. Yes the formatting, type selection and general design of the notices is terrible, but as a snapshot in time and as a way of charting the social dynamic of a place they're difficult to pass up.
"This is he – and you might be?"
"I am a serious doctor, but I also have a sense of humor... look at this Far Side comic strip I believe to be appropriate to my office."
Great choice of words.
and a Skoda Octavia
Nice choice of car: sensible, not flashy but a bit different. I'm going to echo Voodoo here in that I also have fond memories of the Octavia (we used one as a rental in 2001 touring around France and Switzerland). It's softroader sibling, the Scout, was one of the cars I considered for Jethro when I was first building his fratello.
"I don't know," Belisario rubbed his palm against his bearded chin. "Do you know anything about handling a MINIMI?"
Benito looked confused, not seeing the relevance of the doctor's apparent non-sequitir. "Uh, like Austin Powers...?"
I take it then that those games he plays don't generally extend to shooters.
The barb in the emphasised old was not unnoticed, but Belisariowasn't going to stay as the kid having the grown-ups talk down to him.He was a big boy now. "Twenty-two" He answered levelly.
Belisario... or Benito?
Bianchi decided not to mention that such lowly grunt work waspunishment from Chief Draghi for Benito and Toni's clumsy handling ofattempts to contact Dona during Operation Painter-2.
Again, as Voodoo noted: a quick reminder of previous events, and the protagonist(?)'s place in all of it never goes astray.
Bianchi narrowed his eyes, unimpressed with Benito's performance."Obviously I need to revise my personnel file. I never had you peggedas the cynical type, Mister Zinanni – although I suppose that I oughtto have trusted my better judgement. Typical smug and self-satisfiedGeneration Y, you think you know it all."
I can sympathise with Bianchi here... I have very little time for the vast majority of my own generation. Razz
The clothes she wears, the food she eats, hairstyle, her preference for fully automatic weapons...
...only in the SWA could that be considered a "normal" part of a young girl's existance. I probably should probably be well over it by now, but there's still a kick to be had through these casual remarks that normally would throw people for a loop.
Belisario looked vaguely irritated, as one who held four doctoratesmight when informed that he was not quite the central reference indexfor all Creation.
Reminded of spending some time in a site office watching four engineering degrees attempt to disable the solar panel on a set of small pathway lights. They were needed in a hurry so the rechargable battery had been replaced with a dry-cell for that night and we didn't want to try accidentally charging that. The problem was eventually solved when the foreman walked in and suggested that some black racing-tape might be useful.
Neat, dark office trousers, and a deep orange shirt – striking but notobnoxious – with a black tie. Poking out of the neck, though, was acouple of days of stubble that didn't look quite too scruffy just yet,and hair that wasn't thick or long at this juncture but was stillputting off visiting a comb.
Nice description of someone going through the motions of dressing, but not understanding it as more than a set of social formalities.
CIA World Factbook off of its shelf, opened it with a creak ofits spine at a random page, and spent the evening learning all aboutthe demographics of Eritrea, returns for ballots on independence fromFrance in New Caledonia, and the price of cocoa in Cameroon.
Wasn't there something about a good solider being well read and curious? Does idle page thumbing count as that? Razz

Anyway mate, excellent start. The bit I'm really enjoying about this is the view of the Agency as a drone (for want of a better word). Rather than seeing the characters we know and love we're seeing them from the view of someone who's more aware of them on an academic level rather than as something they'll every become particularly involved with. Suddenly having that conception stripped away has to be scary... and not nearly as glamorous and exciting as idle daydreaming might suggest.

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Robert Frazer on Sun 7 Nov 2010 - 16:31

It makes me wonder just how much of the budget goes toward maintaining that face... or is it all funded by the annual charity ball?

You also have to wonder, what do they populate the Agency with to show to the parties of journalists? Do the cyborgs themselves play-act being weaker than they actually are and have their legs swapped out for obsolete models for the day, or do they wheel in a bunch of invalids from a paediatric ward in a hospital on the other side of the country? Do the handlers bunker down for the day or do they have to pretend to be care workers?

"if you're from social services, how did you lose an eye?"

"Uh... accident with a champagne cork?"

There's a story in there somewhere...

Great choice of words.

Belisario is a poet, and doesn't he just know it?

Nice choice of car: sensible, not flashy but a bit different.

Seeing as I derive pleasure from laying into Reds at every opportunity even in places where it's thematically irrelevant (yeah, I admit, OH5 was a bit stupid for that), saying good things about Skoda is also an attempt at fairness and no sounding too much like a broken record, 'not everything they made was so bad' sweat

Belisario... or Benito?

Ah, thanks for picking up on that.

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 7 Nov 2010 - 19:27

@Robert Frazer wrote:
It makes me wonder just how much of the budget goes toward maintaining that face... or is it all funded by the annual charity ball?

You also have to wonder, what do they populate the Agency with to show to the parties of journalists?

I always figured they showed kids like Angelica's cousin - advanced prosthetics, but nothing with the power of Section Two's girls.

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Alfisti on Sun 7 Nov 2010 - 20:19

@Robert Frazer wrote:
It makes me wonder just how much of the budget goes toward maintaining that face... or is it all funded by the annual charity ball?

You also have to wonder, what do they populate the Agency with to show to the parties of journalists? Do the cyborgs themselves play-act being weaker than they actually are and have their legs swapped out for obsolete models for the day...
I'm guessing probably not this option... could you imagine Marisa having to play act for a bunch of journos?

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Professor Voodoo on Sun 7 Nov 2010 - 20:42

@Robert Frazer wrote:You also have to wonder, what do they populate the Agency with to show to the parties of journalists?
My take is that the "public face" of the SWA is located somewhere else, and that no journalist has ever set foot on the real SWA compound that we are familiar with.
@Alfisti wrote:could you imagine Marisa having to play act for a bunch of journos?
Marisa: Hey! What's that supposed to mean? I'm a great actor!

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Robert Frazer on Sun 7 Nov 2010 - 20:57

That's a point actually, Voodoo - you had to jog my memory with that post of yours, but I remember now that part of Leonardo and Patricia's investigations during their IT episode was to poke behind the facade, which led them to that disused office block where Angelica slotted Leon. That said, though, perhaps the public and private faces of the agency are on the same grounds, and that episode was a double-bluff intended to lead Leonardo even further away from it, the overconfident man being played right from the start...

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 7 Nov 2010 - 22:20

@Professor Voodoo wrote:My take is that the "public face" of the SWA is located somewhere else, and that no journalist has ever set foot on the real SWA compound that we are familiar with.
@Robert Frazer wrote:That's a point actually, Voodoo - you had to jog my memory with that post of yours, but I remember now that part of Leonardo and Patricia's investigations during their IT episode was to poke behind the facade, which led them to that disused office block where Angelica slotted Leon. That said, though, perhaps the public and private faces of the agency are on the same grounds, and that episode was a double-bluff intended to lead Leonardo even further away from it, the overconfident man being played right from the start...

The new complex strikes me as way too large to be just for the cyborgs. I mean the medical complex is huge.

So I now operate that both the public and private faces are in the same complex, with the cyborgs sequestered to the east in the actual nunnery/monastery/noble's palace, screened by a wall of thick trees.

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Re: Next-Gen: A Short Story

Post by Alfisti on Sun 7 Nov 2010 - 23:45

@Robert Frazer wrote:That's a point actually, Voodoo - you had to jog my memory with that post of yours, but I remember now that part of Leonardo and Patricia's investigations during their IT episode was to poke behind the facade, which led them to that disused office block where Angelica slotted Leon. That said, though, perhaps the public and private faces of the agency are on the same grounds, and that episode was a double-bluff intended to lead Leonardo even further away from it, the overconfident man being played right from the start...
I was always of the opinion that that particular office block was a trap laid by the SWA to get rid of someone who was taking too much of an interest. If the intention was to off Leon from the start, it wouldn't make much sense to lead him direct to an Agency facility, even if it was a front.

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