A Sword and a Scar

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by ChaosKin640 on Tue 7 Jun 2011 - 21:13

Yeah... Enzo can keep telling himself that...
Lucy: Hey, shut up you! Do you have any idea the level of multitasking skills you need to be able to perform a 3-way army split in order to avoid a flanking ambush while simultaneously repelling a counter attack against your 5th expansion, maintaining proper unit production AND defending against drop-ship harassment at 2 separate locations? I'm getting so good that I could probably supervise and orchestrate five different battles at once. Give me a few squads of marines and a tank division and just watch them Padanians run!

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Professor Voodoo on Tue 7 Jun 2011 - 21:41

ChaosKin640 wrote:
That said: first person to
give their OC cyborg a 40k army to help build their dexterity and fine
motor skills totally gets a cookie.
Ferro walks into one of the dormitory common rooms, finding several cyborgs crouched on the floor, which has been arrayed with several dozen tiny figurines arranged in battlefield formations.
Ferro: And what, may I ask, is goin on in here?
Marisa: We're taking the initiative and developing advanced tactics and strategies to use in battle in case the Earth is ever invaded by evil space trolls!
Ferro: ... ... ... I don't know why I even bother to ask these questions anymore.
It's a long stake-out...Jean is currently off watch getting some sleep, he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom...in his bare feet.

*CRUNCH*

Jean: YeeeeeeOwwww!!! Godamnit! What the hell? Rico! Get your ass in here, NOW!

Rico: (sleepy, rubbing her eyes) What is it sir?

Jean: What is it? What the hell is all this mess!? (LEGO's cover the entire hallway)

Henrietta: We booby-trapped the floor, sir...in case the Padania attacked while we were sleeping!

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Robert Frazer on Tue 7 Jun 2011 - 21:47

Well, it's a fair cop. You've got to keep an eye on the budget, and Lego is cheaper than caltrops. More diverse applications, too.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Alfisti on Tue 7 Jun 2011 - 21:52

Robert Frazer wrote:Well, it's a fair cop. You've got to keep an eye on the budget, and Lego is cheaper than caltrops.
I dunno mate, that stuff's not cheap... though I imagine standing on a Space Marine would be even more expensive, if no less painful.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Officer_Charon on Tue 7 Jun 2011 - 22:05

Alfisti wrote:
Robert Frazer wrote:Well, it's a fair cop. You've got to keep an eye on the budget, and Lego is cheaper than caltrops.
I dunno mate, that stuff's not cheap... though I imagine standing on a Space Marine would be even more expensive, if no less painful.

Depends if we're talking pewter, plastic, or the new resin "finecast" models...

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by ChaosKin640 on Wed 8 Jun 2011 - 4:33

Professor Voodoo wrote:
ChaosKin640 wrote:
That said: first person to
give their OC cyborg a 40k army to help build their dexterity and fine
motor skills totally gets a cookie.
Ferro walks into one of the dormitory common rooms, finding several cyborgs crouched on the floor, which has been arrayed with several dozen tiny figurines arranged in battlefield formations.
Ferro: And what, may I ask, is goin on in here?
Marisa: We're taking the initiative and developing advanced tactics and strategies to use in battle in case the Earth is ever invaded by evil space trolls!
Ferro: ... ... ... I don't know why I even bother to ask these questions anymore.
It's a long stake-out...Jean is currently off watch getting some sleep, he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom...in his bare feet.

*CRUNCH*

Jean: YeeeeeeOwwww!!! Godamnit! What the hell? Rico! Get your ass in here, NOW!

Rico: (sleepy, rubbing her eyes) What is it sir?

Jean: What is it? What the hell is all this mess!? (LEGO's cover the entire hallway)

Henrietta: We booby-trapped the floor, sir...in case the Padania attacked while we were sleeping!

Hmm...so I'm guess that the "Home Alone" movies are another set on Ferro's insta-ban list then?

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by theprodigalson on Wed 8 Jun 2011 - 11:08

Alfisti wrote:I've got friends who are almost 30 that still play with LEGO, so I love this idea. That said: first person to give their OC cyborg a 40k army to help build their dexterity and fine motor skills totally gets a cookie.

I would be lying if I said this idea wasn't born during one of my own painting sessions Very Happy .


ChaosKin640 wrote:Hmm...so I'm guess that the "Home Alone" movies are another set on Ferro's insta-ban list then?

Every movie after the first should be on the list anyways...

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Robert Frazer on Wed 8 Jun 2011 - 15:01

As a career officer, and one who probably had plenty of time to kill in stultifying empty actionless Purgatories like Cyprus, I can see Avise perhaps dabbling with the Grim Darkness of the Far Future and justifying it as a tactical planning exercise. One of the advantages of being a widower is that he hasn't got anyone to nag at him for all the money he's spending on toy soldiers...!

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Professor Voodoo on Wed 8 Jun 2011 - 16:00

Robert Frazer wrote:As a career officer, and one who probably had plenty of time to kill in stultifying empty actionless Purgatories like Cyprus, I can see Avise perhaps dabbling with the Grim Darkness of the Far Future and justifying it as a tactical planning exercise. One of the advantages of being a widower is that he hasn't got anyone to nag at him for all the money he's spending on toy soldiers...!
Re-creating historic battlefields seems like a hobby that would suit Avise's interests. I can not even calculate the amount of time & effort that must have gone into some of the dioramas on display at the West Point museum on the US Military Academy campus.

Knowing Avise however he might put his own personal spin on his creations...

Elio: Normally I would hesitate to challenge the veracity of your research, Mancini, but I do not recall the 10th Bersaglieri routing Commonwealth troops and driving them out of Egypt in 1941.

Avise: Artistic license, my friend...one of the benefits of this hobby is that I get to do it my way.

Agapita: Help me Mr. Alboreto! He made me help him paint every single feather on every single hat individually!

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by ChaosKin640 on Wed 8 Jun 2011 - 21:45

Well, I know that Hindsight is 20/20 and all, but I imagine that it would actually be a very useful teaching exercise to recreate famous battles, but instead taking the loser's point of view and then figuring out what the leaders could have done to win the battle.
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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Alfisti on Sat 11 Jun 2011 - 3:13

Alright, so... thoughts in a longer form on CH04...

Ana stomped her feet a few times, enjoying the snug feeling made all the more wonderful by her titanic effort.
Cyborg in the room below: Shaddup!

It was poor armor against the cool of a late Italian autumn, but it was a
sight better than what she had the day before, and it appeared to be
the warmest selection she had.
Guess a trip to the Q-store is in order to find a jumper of jacket. I'll admit I still have the ribbed wool jumpers that I got given for cadets, bit scratchy, but really warm and suprisingly stylish if accessorised correctly.

A leather belt and her knife completed the outfit.
I've always wondered what the SWA ruling was on cyborgs being armed "on campus" as it were. We know they retain their weapons (as the girls are pictured cleaning them in their rooms), but I'd imagine there's at least some sort of ruling that prohibits them being loaded unless headed out on a mission or for training purposes... the last thing that's needed is a cyborg shooting up the refectory because someone spilled hot ravioli on her handler.

And lets face it, the 'borgs are capable of causing plenty of damage without extra assistance.

She idly scratched her left forearm and looked at the floor reflectively
“Accidents tend to happen around here…”
Good nod to canon.

“Know anyone who might be interested?” he asked lustily.

Priscilla raised an eyebrow and answered with a simple yet stern “No.”
To rehash what others have said, I could see this being a trigger for a bout of cyborg jealousy. By the same token though, if you need to downplay that particular angle, Ana's fairly fresh off the production line at this stage... it'd be easy for her to miss what Nikias is actually saying here, especially as she misses the later comment about "watching Priscilla go".

“That is what you will be doing every night before you go to bed until
its done. You might not understand right now, but it's important that
you take this seriously. That may be a toy but I want you to treat it
like work. It’s a simple one so I don’t expect you to take too long."
So does this mean that walking into Ana's room with with bare feet is going to become a hazard to life and limb?

“Not at all! I know all about the difficulties of using your cyborg
parts for the first time. Thats why I got you the LEGO's - to help you
along. There was nothing wrong with your performance. It was all just a
test really.”
Well caught by Nikias... kinda clumsy and lacking in elegance (Monty would be appalled), but, without meaning disrespect to Ana, at this stage of development I think a cyborg is probably willing to take whatever their handler says as gospel so it really doesn't matter.

“Running away, are we?” Nikias growled
...You yellow barstard! Come back 'ere and take what's comin' to you... I'll bite your legs off!

“You know,” Nikias muttered heatedly as he watched Hillshire leave,
“they call Triela the ’Princess’ of Section Two. She’s the best, or so
they say.” Ana found herself completely taken in by his fiery gaze, her
heart racing faster as his voice rose with each sentence, growing in
strength like a whirlwind with each word. “But that was before we
arrived. I want that title to belong to you. Well…maybe not
’Princess’…” he paused, breaking the spell for just a moment to make an
important point to which Ana could only nod in total agreement, “But the
title of ’Best’ will be yours for sure!”
Wow, Nikias' run in with Hilshire really has rubbed him up the wrong way. I know he's ambitious and all but, well... not the way to make new friends. I take it his pride was wounded somewhat by the previous night.

“That title will belong to me. I want to be the best. I have to be the best. Do you understand Triela? You’re my rival now.”
Well, you can't get much blunter than that. Subtlty definately isn't this fratello's strong suit Razz

In one fluid motion Ana hooked her fingers under Triela’s tray and flung
the cyborg’s breakfast into her lap. Lightning reflexes saved Triela
from the worst of it, but a bit of omelet ran down her nice gray vest
and a piece of bacon rebounded off her fine pants and landed on her
polished shoe.
Triela: *sigh Well that's a fine way to start the morning. Something's telling me this is just going to be one of those days I'll wish I'd stayed in bed.

I'm curious to know though: I get the impression that this altercation wasn't quite Nikias' intention, but an early example of Ana going overboard in an attempt to please.


Overall, excellent installment mate, I'm looking forward to the next.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by theprodigalson on Tue 14 Jun 2011 - 13:53

Alfisti wrote:
It was poor armor against the cool of a late Italian autumn, but it was a
sight better than what she had the day before, and it appeared to be
the warmest selection she had.
Guess a trip to the Q-store is in order to find a jumper of jacket. I'll admit I still have the ribbed wool jumpers that I got given for cadets, bit scratchy, but really warm and suprisingly stylish if accessorised correctly.
Unfortunately, correct accessorizing isn't one of Ana's strong suits Razz

Alfisti wrote:
A leather belt and her knife completed the outfit.
I've always wondered what the SWA ruling was on cyborgs being armed "on campus" as it were. We know they retain their weapons (as the girls are pictured cleaning them in their rooms), but I'd imagine there's at least some sort of ruling that prohibits them being loaded unless headed out on a mission or for training purposes... the last thing that's needed is a cyborg shooting up the refectory because someone spilled hot ravioli on her handler.
John to Amadeo:So I told Mancini to go fuck himself. I think he meant well, but-
Amadeo:You said what!? *dives to the ground*
John: What's the big deal? It's not like...

whheeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEE *BOOM*. John stares in stunned disbelief at the smoldering crater that used to be his car.

For my part the cyborgs and handlers would have sidearms on "campus", but the heavier stuff would stay under lock and key. Do we get to see Triela servicing her shotgun in the dorm? I can't seem to recall.


Alfisti wrote:
She idly scratched her left forearm and looked at the floor reflectively
“Accidents tend to happen around here…”
Good nod to canon.
Thanks. Looking back I'd intended to make it more casual and not so obvious, but this works.

Alfisti wrote:
“That is what you will be doing every night before you go to bed until
its done. You might not understand right now, but it's important that
you take this seriously. That may be a toy but I want you to treat it
like work. It’s a simple one so I don’t expect you to take too long."
So does this mean that walking into Ana's room with with bare feet is going to become a hazard to life and limb?
Limb if you hurt yourself stepping on it. Life if you break it Smile.

Alfisti wrote:
“You know,” Nikias muttered heatedly as he watched Hillshire leave,
“they call Triela the ’Princess’ of Section Two. She’s the best, or so
they say.” Ana found herself completely taken in by his fiery gaze, her
heart racing faster as his voice rose with each sentence, growing in
strength like a whirlwind with each word. “But that was before we
arrived. I want that title to belong to you. Well…maybe not
’Princess’…” he paused, breaking the spell for just a moment to make an
important point to which Ana could only nod in total agreement, “But the
title of ’Best’ will be yours for sure!”
Wow, Nikias' run in with Hilshire really has rubbed him up the wrong way. I know he's ambitious and all but, well... not the way to make new friends. I take it his pride was wounded somewhat by the previous night.
This is more or less what he wanted all along, its just fueled by basicly being made a fool of.

Alfisti wrote:
“That title will belong to me. I want to be the best. I have to be the best. Do you understand Triela? You’re my rival now.”
Well, you can't get much blunter than that. Subtlty definately isn't this fratello's strong suit Razz
Fact.

Alfisti wrote:
In one fluid motion Ana hooked her fingers under Triela’s tray and flung
the cyborg’s breakfast into her lap. Lightning reflexes saved Triela
from the worst of it, but a bit of omelet ran down her nice gray vest
and a piece of bacon rebounded off her fine pants and landed on her
polished shoe.
Triela: *sigh Well that's a fine way to start the morning. Something's telling me this is just going to be one of those days I'll wish I'd stayed in bed.

I'm curious to know though: I get the impression that this altercation wasn't quite Nikias' intention, but an early example of Ana going overboard in an attempt to please.
I'll be honest: in my original concept Nikias ordered her to announce her rivalry. I was trying to find a way to justify him not getting in serious trouble for encouraging cyborgs to squabble when this idea occurred to me and I wrote it all in on a whim. So even I am interested to see where I take this Razz.


Alfisti wrote:Overall, excellent installment mate, I'm looking forward to the next.
Thanks alot for the comments!

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Jet: "I'm trying to. Real hard."
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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Kiskaloo on Tue 14 Jun 2011 - 14:13

theprodigalson wrote:Do we get to see Triela servicing her shotgun in the dorm? I can't seem to recall.

In her introductory chapter, Snow White, she's seen holding her shotgun while sitting in a chair in her room. I'm also pretty sure we've been shown that she stores it in one of the drawers of her wardrobe in her room.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by theprodigalson on Tue 14 Jun 2011 - 16:03

I felt like there was a moment, but couldn't quite remember it. I'm going to start calling you the "Chronicler of the GsG Archive" Kisk. Or maybe just "The Archivist".

I guess I'm going to need to re-evaluate my stance on this.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Alfisti on Tue 14 Jun 2011 - 16:55

theprodigalson wrote:
Alfisti wrote:I'm curious to know though: I get the impression that this altercation wasn't quite Nikias' intention, but an early example of Ana going overboard in an attempt to please.
I'll be honest: in my original concept Nikias ordered her to announce her rivalry. I was trying to find a way to justify him not getting in serious trouble for encouraging cyborgs to squabble when this idea occurred to me and I wrote it all in on a whim. So even I am interested to see where I take this Razz.
Personally I think it'd make a good character moment for Ana if you did play it as an example of her eager, if sometimes misguided, urge to please her handler and take initiative. Whether you play Nikias as being pleased with her for it (and that perhaps encouraging her to later feats) or displeased... well *shrugs shoulders* At the end of the day though: your story.

Kiskaloo wrote:
theprodigalson wrote:Do we get to see Triela servicing her shotgun in the dorm? I can't seem to recall.
In her introductory chapter, Snow White, she's seen holding her shotgun while sitting in a chair in her room. I'm also pretty sure we've been shown that she stores it in one of the drawers of her wardrobe in her room.
By the same token I could see triela being granted some leniency seeing as she is, afterall... Triela.

To expand a bit on what I said earlier (and with a bit more time to think about it), I see what the cyborg being allowed to carry on campus as being tiered. Blades I could see them being allowed to hang onto since they have more uses than just stabbing people in the face. Sidearms also, but I think ammunition (for any firearm) would be stored in the armoury and need to be drawn by their handler or an appropriately senior cyborg with a statement of its intended use. Heavier (instrument case) weapons (shotguns, SMGs and so on)... handlers' discretion; probably with a bit of higher-brass-frowning going on if the cyborg in question didn't have some sort of proven track record. Bigger stuff (machine guns, grenade launchers and, sorry Aggie, but for John's safety: mortars) and mission specific/outside their regular loadout weapons: kept in the armoury... or in the dorm overnight if the fratello in question has an early start and no-one wants to drag their sorry arse out of bed at sparrow's-fart-AM to arm them. Maybe in that case it'd be better if the handler hangs onto them though.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Officer_Charon on Tue 14 Jun 2011 - 17:08

We've seen Triela carrying her case around on campus before, so I don't think that it's outside the realm of possibility that they would be allowed to retain their weapons - weapons maintenance is ongoing, after all. And I agree that it would make sense for the ammo to be secured at the armory, if only for the reasons of personnel safety mentioned above.

The SWA is more of a police organization than a military one - ironically enough, when I was in the military, it took so many layers of paperwork to even SEE a weapon in garrison that it's not even funny, whereas as a police officer, we retain our weapons at all times (to include issued long guns and SMGs, in the case of SWAt officers). Shouldn't be too hard to imagine that the handlers would retain loaded magazines, either - at least for their sidearms.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Alfisti on Tue 14 Jun 2011 - 18:54

Officer_Charon wrote:We've seen Triela carrying her case around on campus before, so I don't think that it's outside the realm of possibility that they would be allowed to retain their weapons...
Again I still think that Triela probably gets a certain amount of special dispensation simply be virtue of being Triela. I don't have the manga on me, but I don't think, say 'Etta, would have got away with drawing an AUG from the armory to take to Angie. Honestly I think that, beyond sidearms what is and isn't allowed to be retained by the cyborgs would be worked on a fratello-by-fratello basis.

Officer_Charon wrote:Shouldn't be too hard to imagine that the handlers would retain loaded magazines, either - at least for their sidearms.
Agreed... or at least the option given and handlers allowed to avail themselves of that if they so wish.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by theprodigalson on Tue 27 Sep 2011 - 17:32

I just HAD to release something today...
This would be the start of the next chapter were I putting it out as a whole. The idea is to get me fired up for the next bit. Critical thoughts welcomed.



Spoiler:
The last piece of the LEGO Indy Racecar Ana was working on
fell into place with a satisfying click. She lifted the tiny car to
eye-level and gazed at it with the eyes of an Artisan surveying a completed
work. The racer had far fewer pieces than the shuttle that now decorated the
top of her dresser, but they were small and had proven difficult to place without
crushing the entire project. Still, her heart swelled with a pride not in the
grandeur of the project itself, but for the effort involved.


Ana placed it on her windowsill and rubbed her hands. They still felt funny when she tried
to use them, but manipulating things had become much easier. She started
flexing them over and over (it seemed to help) as she considered taking the car
apart again to practice, like she had with the shuttle.


The decision was made for her abruptly as Nikias strode purposefully
into her room without knocking. His expression was all business.


“It’s mission time. Gear up for inspection. You have two minutes.”


“Yes sir!” she practically shouted, and leapt to work gathering her things.


Nikias instructed her as she went,“Dress ‘working casual’. Ferro’s team is to have the area under control so risk of exposure should be minimal, but we need to be sure. We are
cleared for automatic weapons use, so bring your instrument case. You should…is
that my jacket?”


Ana paused in the middle of slipping on the jacket he had given her weeks ago on her first
day as a cyborg. She had assumed he intended her to keep it. Obviously he did
not, so she lowered her head in shame. “Yes sir. You never mentioned it after
you loaned it to me and I…I failed to mention it. I’m sorry.”


“Why don’t you wear your own?”


“I don’t have one, sir.”


“Oh.” He had been looking for that. Honestly, he had forgotten about even giving it to
her. It was a nice dark blue Burberry jacket, far from his best, but still not
something he wanted to see getting shot. “We’ll need to take care of that then. Carry on."

Ana wasn’t sure how close to the two minute time limit she came, or if Nikias even kept
track, but before long she stood in the center of the room for inspection. All the
gear she was told to use, concealed on her person in some fashion as instructed,
but still easily accessible in a pinch.

Nikias surveyed his cyborg standing at attention in a pair of brown leather boots with baggy camo pants, a brown tank top, and a too-large expensive coat (whose color mismatched the browns horribly), holding an Amati violin case. The ensemble was to ridiculous to
summarize so he said the only thing that came to mind: “We need to get you
a different instrument.” Ana smiled good-naturedly at the joke and relaxed.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

“One more thing.” Ana grabbed her knife from the top of the dresser.

“You’re taking that?” her handler asked incredulously.

“Of course!” she blurted, surprised that he would object, “Why wouldn’t I?”

Her handler chuckled, “You realize you could snap a man’s spine like a twig right? If they’re close enough to stab, you should probably just punch them in the face."

Ana hung her head, unable or unwilling to come up with a counter argument. After a
moment, Nikias shrugged “Do what you want. It’s no skin off my back,” he
relented. It’s not like he felt guilty or anything. If she liked the knife that
much what harm was there in letting her take it? “But keep it somewhere out of
sight. I don’t want anyone getting a look at it and telling Jean my cyborg is afraid
to fight unarmed.

“Yes sir!” she shouted happily and slid the knife into her boot, pulling the pant leg over to hide it.

“If that’s it let’s get going.” Nikias beckoned with a tilt of his head and lead the way
into the hall.


Ana fell into step obediently, and in the silence of their walk became aware of the tingling sensation in her hands that usually came when she was using them for delicate work. Was something wrong? Raising the hand that wasn’t holding her violin case, she stared at it. Steady. Not even a twitch. The time with the LEGOs had been well spent. Her body acted calm, so why did her gut feel like a
stone?


So concerned was she by the hand, that she failed to notice Nikias watching out of
the corner of his eye. A face like that spelled trouble for him and he did not
like it one bit. Not on their first mission.


“You know,” he said seriously, “I get the feeling I won’t be getting too many opportunities
to get this right. Are you sure you are ready?” His cyborg nodded enthusiastically without hesitation and barked “Yes sir!” Nikias was hardly convinced. He knew false bravado when he saw it. Still, it wouldn’t help anything to add more pressure to her at this point. She could break. He had made it abundantly clear how important this was, perhaps now it was time to change tact a little. “Good to hear. I know that whatever happens you’ll do right by me, Tasia.”


Ana’s brow wrinkled “Tasia?”


“Sure,” continued Nikias nonchalantly, “It doesn’t make much sense for me to call you
the same thing as everyone else right? Besides, I chose that name because it
means ‘resurrection’ in Greek. Anastasia is hardly a name that should be Americanized.”

The nickname had the desired effect and Ana’s step lightened considerably. Still, as they walked she kept flexing that hand. It bothered Nikias enough to make him risk undoing the morale boost he had just gained by asking about it. “You keep working that hand. Is
something wrong with it?”

Ana’s smile turned wicked “No sir. My fingers just itch.” Whether or not Nikias actually believed her was left to doubt. She sure hoped it was true at any rate.


Last edited by theprodigalson on Thu 29 Sep 2011 - 14:31; edited 1 time in total

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Kiskaloo on Tue 27 Sep 2011 - 19:50

study

Good

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by tremec6speed on Wed 28 Sep 2011 - 3:04

great writing, really enjoyed it! cheers
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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Alfisti on Wed 28 Sep 2011 - 8:14

Nice mate, more thoughts to come.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by ElfenMagix on Wed 28 Sep 2011 - 20:57

Excellent. And I dont give out 'excellents' as many would think I do!

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Professor Voodoo on Wed 28 Sep 2011 - 22:33

Short but sweet. I particularly liked the way you had Anastasia turned out...awkwardly dressed, carrying a wholly out of place violin case. There are just some things you can't program into a cyborg!
“You know,”
he said seriously, “I get the feeling I won’t be getting too many opportunities
to get this right. Are you sure you are ready?”
Nikias is still thinking of himself...putting things in terms of his own success or failure. I guess there's plenty a handler needs to learn too.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Alfisti on Thu 29 Sep 2011 - 4:29

Anyway, more thoughts:

she considered taking the car apart again to practice, like she had with the shuttle.
Nice little sidenote this... it sort of hammers home the idea that Ana's enjoyment comes from having completed the task rather than the finished product.

The decision was made for her abruptly as a cool looking Nikias strode purposefully into her room without knocking.
Little confused by this sentence. Are we talking "cool looking" as in Ana thinks Nikias looks cool as the adoring cyborg she is... or "cool looking" as in he's got his game face on?

“Oh.” He had been looking for that.
As Voodoo's already mentioned there's a few good instances through here of Nikias thinking about things in terms of his own self... this is another one.

pair of brown leather boots with baggy camo pants, a brown tank top, and a too-large expensive coat (whose color mismatched the browns horribly), holding an Amati violin case.
Monty: She actually went out looking like that... In public...

Nikias was hardly convinced. He knew false bravado when he saw it.
Another nice bit of character building here... Nikias may be self-centred, but he's not dense.


Anyway, as I said before mate: nicely done. I'm looking forward to the next installment.

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Kiskaloo on Thu 29 Sep 2011 - 7:32

Alfisti wrote:
pair of brown leather boots with baggy camo pants, a brown tank top, and a too-large expensive coat (whose color mismatched the browns horribly), holding an Amati violin case.

Monty: She actually went out looking like that... In public...

Kara: "Talk about a crime against fashion..."

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by Professor Voodoo on Thu 29 Sep 2011 - 9:16

Kiskaloo wrote:
Alfisti wrote:
pair of brown leather boots with baggy camo pants, a brown tank top, and a too-large expensive coat (whose color mismatched the browns horribly), holding an Amati violin case.

Monty: She actually went out looking like that... In public...
Kara: "Talk about a crime against fashion..."
Monty: Normally you mainstream cyborgs are none of my concern but this is beyond the point I can ignore.

Kara: We have work to do.

Britney: Cyborg powers unite! To the fashion district!

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

Post by theprodigalson on Thu 29 Sep 2011 - 14:09

Thanks for the comments.

tremec6speed wrote:great writing, really enjoyed it!

Danke!



Elfenmagix wrote:Excellent. And I dont give out 'excellents' as many would think I do!

Thanks! That really means alot elfen. I'll try to keep it coming .

Professer Voodoo wrote:Nikias is still thinking of himself...putting things in terms of his own success or failure. I guess there's plenty a handler needs to learn too.

I spend an awful lot of time checking Nikias' "I" to "we" ratio...

Alfisti wrote:Are we talking "cool looking" as in Ana thinks Nikias looks cool as the adoring cyborg she is... or "cool looking" as in he's got his game face on?

Game face. She's noting how calm and serious he looks. Editing for clarity.

Anyway, as I said before mate: nicely done. I'm looking forward to the next installment.

Hopefully it won't be too long either. Part is already written and I'm actually making some progress on it!

Monty: Normally you mainstream cyborgs are none of my concern but this is beyond the point I can ignore.

Kara: We have work to do.

Britney: Cyborg powers unite! To the fashion district!

Ana: You will have to bind and gag me.

Marisa: *With a heavy chain on her shoulder and duct tape in her hands, writes and immediately crosses off "Gang up on someone, then bind and gag them!" on her list of things to do in life.* That's what I'm here for!



Thanks again guys!

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Re: A Sword and a Scar

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