Daughters of Mother Russia Trilogy

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Daughters of Mother Russia Trilogy

Post by WEBER on Thu 20 Jan 2011 - 21:05

A New Begining

"Aw" Anitchka yelped as a door slammed nearby. She quickly got out of bed. Then she realized she didn't know where she was.

It was a small, dark room. Her twin sister, Nadenka, was in the bed next to where she was. There was a bed side table with a lamp on it. She turned it on and noticed a note next to the lamp.

"There is clothing in the dresser. There is a map on the back of this note. Your position is marked 'A', mine is marked 'B'. Your route is drawn out with a red line. If you do not feel up to it, then wait until tomarrow. I will be waiting in front of the building in a dark suit." read the note.

"Wake up, sister." she said. Nadenka slowly opened her eyes. "Sister. Sister!" she said softly then loudly as she jumped up and hugged Anitchka.

They followed the map on the note to a small building.
"I'm glad you decided to come. My name is Douglas Riley. You can call me Doug. Let's get started , shall we?" he said, opening the door. Suddenly, all the sounds rushed out into they open. The sisters realized the building was a shooting range.

"Alright girls, take these. These are your weapons. They are SIG Sauer P226 two-tones. The targets are up, the range is hot. Shoot whenever your ready." said Doug. The girls started shooting thier sub-compact pistols. When they were reloading thier magazines, Jean left the building, but only momentaraly. He came back with two cases.

"Anitchka, this one is yours and this one is for you, Nadenka. Douglas said, handing a case to the each of them. Anitchka recieved a F1 FAMAS with a red dot sight. Nadenka, a Magpul FDE Mod 15.

They soon resumed firing. Doug left again and didn't return for a good half hour. When he came back, the girls had completely run out of ammo. What he left for was the girls' vehicle. It was a red Moto Guzi Breva V1100.


Last edited by WEBER on Fri 21 Jan 2011 - 11:59; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Daughters of Mother Russia Trilogy

Post by crazyidiot78 on Thu 20 Jan 2011 - 21:33

It's a bit of a short start and I was a bit confused about Jean if he was the cannon version or an OC. After telling me he was cannon I wonder if he behavior is a bit out of character. I really don't see him giving the girls such free range unless he is testing their ability to work on their own with less oversite. Nice change up with the sisters, now are they sisters or conditioned to be sisters. Also what happened to Rico?

What is the point of referencing the music they are listening to and if we are to assume they just woke up at the agency would they really have acesss to an ipod.
.
How do they know how to use the guns are they generation II or just guessing? A little more information there would be helpful.

No explination about the agency or that they are cyborgs before training begins. That strikes me as odd even for the agency and especially for Jean.

I hope this doesn't strike you as being to harsh. I would however like to see where you are taking this especially with a pair of sisters. Will they speak or do russian stuff with Olga who can always use some extra screen time. Also what do they look like.

"Aw" Anitchka yelped as a door slammed nearby.

If you do not feel up to it, then wait until tomorrow. I will be waiting in front of the building in a dark suit." read the note.

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Re: Daughters of Mother Russia Trilogy

Post by ElfenMagix on Thu 20 Jan 2011 - 22:20

Reading it four times already, and I still want to walk away from this.

This would be great if this as a second or third chapter, or even further back. There is no intro of characters, no intro of who they are, how they got there or even why they are there. No ages. Only thing we do know is that they are related and there is no explanation for that since the SWA tends to erase cyborg minds and what relations would be there would be forgotten. And where are their handlers?

As for Jean. No. On top of everything he did wrong, he would not be giving them weapons like Santa Claus on Christmas. Only handlers do that. If it were their first days there, they would not be wearing Rebox sneakers and other fancy clothes unless their handlers gave it to them.

Finally, they act too close to be cyborgs. You're missing that a part of their humanity was taken away, and they connect to other cyborgs less then they are connected to their handlers. Yes, as OCs goes, we tend to over do that here. But there is a different between here and an actual fanfiction, which this is.

If the girls woke up from conditioning, they would not have iPods. that is something only a handler can give to them. Hence, the BIG problem: who are their handlers? When they wake up, the girls have nothing but what can be given to them from the Agency Wardrobe Dept, which is a warehouse of stored clothes which they have received from donations.

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Re: Daughters of Mother Russia Trilogy

Post by WEBER on Fri 21 Jan 2011 - 12:14

They original post has been modified. Things should be clearer now.
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Re: Daughters of Mother Russia Trilogy

Post by WEBER on Mon 24 Jan 2011 - 21:25

Refound Memories

"But, but how?" Anitchka asked, gazing at the bike, mouth half open. Nadenka had a suddenloss of balance and fell into her sister's arms.
"Is something wrong?" Doug asked. "No, no, she's fine." Anitchka said. It's starting to get dark anyway. I'll get you after breakfast tomarrow. All your supplies are stocked in your room." Doug said. "'Kay." "I want you to find a girl named Triela. She will help you gey used to the compound." Okay, see you tomarrow."
The two ladies headed back towards the dorms. A young girl was putting away a violin as they walked away from a parking lot. "Hey, are you the Russian sisters?" the girl asked. "Yeah, how'd you know?" Nadenka responded. "I heard Jean and Jose talking about you." the girl said. "Oh. What's your name?" Anitchka asked. "My name is Henrietta." said the girl, picking up the now closed Amati case. "Nice to meet you. Do you know Triela?" Anitchka asked. "Yeah, come on, i'll take you to her." 'Etta said. "Thanks."
"So, you're from Russia, right. What part?" Claes asked. "We used to live in Moscow." Nadenka said. "Really, how cold is it there?" Triela asked. "It's actually not that bad. Usually, it stays between negitive five and twenty degrees (C) all year round." Anitchka said. "Interesting." Triela followed up. "So, who's your handler?" Rico asked. "Um, I guess Doug is." Nadenka said. "So how'd you two end up here, anyway?" asked Triela. "I don't know. The last thing I remember before this morning is that assholes face when he hit us." Anitchka said. "Same." Nadenka said. "Hit by what?" Rico asked.
"We were coming home from Germany. Half way between Aeroport Sheremet'evo and the city, a man who was clearly drunk decided to swarve to the wrong side of the M-10 and into our lane, right infront of us. I still remember his face.I even remember the sound of his shitty little Citreon C1." Anitchka said. "All I remember is all the pain I felt as I flew through the trees. I also remember you calling for me and coming to me." Nadenka said, hugging her sister tightly. "You've sure been through alot." Triela said. "Yeah, well, that was then and this is now, and speaking of now, i'm getting tired." Nadenka said. "Yeah, thanks for the tea and cakes." Anitchka said.
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Re: Daughters of Mother Russia Trilogy

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