HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

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HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by sdp2501 on Tue 12 Apr 2011 - 18:33

rico lay still... the jaws of two copses still wrapped around her neck and wrist. she pushed them off and opened her eyes, as soon as she did a wave of agony swept through her bodie... she used her left hand to brush the dust and flesh from her tshirt and shorts, she lowered her head ashamed and embarised at the wet patch between her legs.
"not mutch left we can do about that rico," she looked behind her to see ryu, kiyra and.henrietta stood behind her. she relaxed and felt ryu cradeling her in his arms.

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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by Nachtsider on Tue 12 Apr 2011 - 19:00

Dude, I think you could really use a spell checker. Plus, capitalize whatever letters need to be capitalized.

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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by ElfenMagix on Tue 12 Apr 2011 - 21:31

Location: Plymouth, UK ...?
English should not be a problem here.

It could have been a great story but like Nacht says, capitalize and spell check before sending! Its ruined otherwise.

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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by sdp2501 on Wed 13 Apr 2011 - 8:05

@Nachtsider wrote:Dude, I think you could really use a spell checker. Plus, capitalize whatever letters need to be capitalized.
couldnt get on the computer...

i had to use my psp

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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by Schaschanist on Wed 13 Apr 2011 - 8:55

@sdp2501 wrote:
@Nachtsider wrote:Dude, I think you could really use a spell checker. Plus, capitalize whatever letters need to be capitalized.
couldnt get on the computer...

i had to use my psp
I'm often online with my Nokia mobile phone and try to write correctly, although english isn't my native language.
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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by ChaosKin640 on Wed 13 Apr 2011 - 9:29

A piece of friendly advice if you want to be taken seriously amongst the writing community: there's nothing wrong with jotting down the rough draft for a story in any available format. But if you intend to post those stories online, like here at CC, then take the time to transfer it to a computer in order to run it through a spelling/grammer checker and to proofread it a couple of times. The amount of time you spend polishing a piece of written work really shows through in the quality of the writing and your readers will take note of it. It just shows that you respect the story enough to make it as good as possible. If you don't respect the work, then you can't expect your readers to.

However, that all being said, I do think there is a solid foundation in your story, with a very interesting premise. I know I am not alone when I say that I look forward to seeing future installments.
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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by ElfenMagix on Wed 13 Apr 2011 - 16:47

@sdp2501 wrote:
@Nachtsider wrote:Dude, I think you could really use a spell checker. Plus, capitalize whatever letters need to be capitalized.
couldnt get on the computer...

i had to use my psp
The PlayStaion Puny has a shift key in its touch keyboard. No excuse for that.

Like ChaosKin640 said, no work is so that you have to rush and put it online immediately. Write everything down first, later read it and fix it. Seriously. If you want to look like a good writer than start doing good writing. And like I said before, You're from the United Kingdom? English is your primary language! You should not be abusing the Queen's English with a 2X4 like an abused stepchild, like you did here with spelling, grammatical and tenses errors. At your age, you should be writing proses that would jear a tear from your readers, not complain about how bad your shit is! Your profile says you're 15, you should be writing like a 15yr. old with a proper education for a person of your age. This is a professional statement from me since I tutor college level English to students with language problems- this looks like a work of somebody 1/2 your age in the low grade levels of primary/elementary school.

Redo it. Correct it. Add to it. Make it better.

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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by Alfisti on Thu 14 Apr 2011 - 3:01

@ElfenMagix wrote:Write everything down first, later read it and fix it.
Over and over again.

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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by Schaschanist on Thu 14 Apr 2011 - 3:37

And if it's taking a week or two then it takes this long.

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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by Professor Voodoo on Thu 14 Apr 2011 - 4:22

I'll ignore the spelling & grammar concerns because enough people have mentioned those...no sense in harping on it.

It's a visually evocative passage. Any fight that could leave Rico disabled must have been a brutal one, I look forward to reading more details.
@sdp2501 wrote:rico lay still... the jaws of two copses still wrapped around her neck and wrist.
I am having a little trouble visualizing this...her opponents have bitten her?

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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by ChaosKin640 on Thu 14 Apr 2011 - 5:43

Uh...I do believe her opponents were of the distinctly undead and decomposing kind there, Voodoo.
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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by Professor Voodoo on Thu 14 Apr 2011 - 6:02

@ChaosKin640 wrote:Uh...I do believe her opponents were of the distinctly undead and decomposing kind there, Voodoo.
Ah...zombies. Then she can be hardly blamed for the "wet patch" alluded to... .

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Re: HOPE HAS (not) VANISHESD preview

Post by sdp2501 on Thu 14 Apr 2011 - 16:59

@Professor Voodoo wrote:
@ChaosKin640 wrote:Uh...I do believe her opponents were of the distinctly undead and decomposing kind there, Voodoo.
Ah...zombies. Then she can be hardly blamed for the "wet patch" alluded to... .
5am Rico is the only one still asleep
Kiyra*zombie groan*"nom nom Rico-chan"*huggle instead of nibble*
Rico goes from ghost white to bright red...

aaawww hehehe ^^

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