Rina De Luca

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Rina De Luca

Post by badbart101 on Sun 17 Apr 2011 - 23:54

My first attempt at writing since high school seems like oh so long ago. So with that said please be gentle. Special thanks to my wife Lily for proof reading and putting up with my horrible grammar. What else oh its not yet complete but I'm pretty happy with it so far. Please comment or send me a message I would appreciate the feedback.






"Papa lets go I'm Hungry!"
"Let me just start the car OK, grab your coat I don’t want my princess getting sick on her Birthday!"
"Yes Papa!"
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"What's her name?'
"Is that really that important? You will have to give her a new name anyhow."
"So that’s how this works?"
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"Papa I'm ready!"
"Today I have a very special surpri…."
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"That’s right, we try to limit the cyborgs connection to their past as much as possible"
"I thought handlers always picked their own girls?"
"Huh… Well in your case Jean thought it would be best to pick this one for you."
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"Oh my god call for an ambulance! Please! Don’t just stand there! Please someone!"
"Papa….. I… Papa"
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"Jean hand picked her then, I wonder why."
"Her father was part of the military police."
"What? So he owed him a favor?"
"Nothing like that."
"Then what happened to her?"
"Her father was killed in a car bombing, she was standing directly to right of the car when it went off. She's lucky to have survived. I think given your history she would be the perfect girl for you."
"What was her name?"
"Rina De Luca."
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Gunshots ring out over a firing range. "Outstanding Rina that’s three center chest. "
"Aye aye sir" firing another series of rounds down range at the human shaped targets.
"I want you to keep firing like that understand, every Marine is a riflemen first and foremost. If you can't keep on target you will be useless" Walking away "Rina meet me at the shoot house in 30 minutes."
"Yes sir, understood sir!"
Walking along the training grounds taking off his cap Scott Mars runs his hands though his hair, "she's picking this shit up fast, it's only been a week and she's shooting better than me. I think its time to up her training."
Two minutes late.
"I'm sorry I'm late Mr. Mars. I sprinted here when I realized the time and…"
"What the FUCK took you so long! YOUR time started two minutes ago. Now I want you to clear this house of all hostiles then move on to the next set of obstacles. You have 60 seconds to clear both floors! NOW MOVE SHIT BAG!"
"Aye… aye sir!" Running to the first room.
Running just behind her "MOVE MOVE MOVE! Your life depends on completing this course in less than 60 seconds or I will take you outside and fucking MURDER you! Do you understand me!"
"Yes sir!" clearing the first room then 2nd of all the mock hostiles. "First floor clear sir! Moving to the 2nd!"
"Did I fucking tell you to stop! Keep moving shit head! My grandmother can move faster than you! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!"
"2nd floor clear sir!" moving to a zip line that would lead to the obstacle course. Rina felt a hand on her hair yanking her down to the floor. The cyborg froze as she felt her handler throwing her to the floor.
"You missed one shit bag!" Kneeling next to her a firm grip on her neck "What did you fucking miss. What in Gods good glory have you forgotten to do you worthless piece of shit!"
Chocking back tears "CHECK MY CORNERS SIR!"

"Outfuckingstanding!" releasing her "NEXT time you WILL remember to check your corners! Now move down my fucking zip line and take my next obstacle!"
"Aye Aye Sir!" Getting up and running to the zip line holding back tears.
As if he was another person "Good job Rina you finished in 45 seconds"
"Ye… Yes sir! Thank you sir!" turning back and smiling.
Training like this kept up over the next few weeks Rina would wake up early every morning, meeting her handler Scott Mars at the training grounds and they would begin there daily routine of him yelling and degrading her. However after every insult, punch or kick she was rewarded with a simple complement on her skill. Everyday she grew stronger faster and smarter. Soon Mars knew that he wouldn’t need to correct her like this at every turn. He would soon be able to give her the HK416 Sub-Carbine he had been holding off on giving her as a reward for completing her initial training.
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"What no burses you're not bleeding?" Triela asked "Is that bastard losing interest in you?"
"NO…. he's…he's been much nicer lately and he even gave me my rifle to keep so he can't be losing interest in me. I… I am his girl he can't… he said he needs me to start over!"
"Relax Rina, Triela is just worried about you." Claes said, her face buried in a book.
"I just don’t like that he beats you. I would never let Hilshire touch me like that."
"You just want him to touch you in another way."
"Claes I swear if you start with that again I'm going to hurt you so much!"
"Wait how does Triela want Mr. Hilshire to touch her?" Rina asked.
"Claes is just trying to be funny…. And she's not being very good at it"
Her face buried back into her book "Well you should see how you're blushing"
"I still don’t get it. "
"Good I don’t need two of you talking about that!" Triela chuckled.
A few buildings away, Scott Mars walked along a corridor on his way to a psyche examination. Mars had been hesitant to speak to Dr. Bianchi since he had been ordered to by Director Lorenzo. He knew Lorenzo was in need of skilled agents but felt that Mars might become a larger liability then he was worth. After all he had deserted from his last assignment, Lorenzo could only imagine what Mars might do if he did decide to run again. The only way for Mars to go into the field was to speak to Bianchi.
Knock knock knock.
Looking up from his notes "Ah Scott nice to see you again. I was hoping you would agree to our meeting today."
"I didn’t have much of a choice doctor. The director won't let me leave if you don’t give me a pass." Looking around the small room. Mars notices a picture of a girl and a dog on the doctor's desk. "Is that one of the cyborgs?"
"Hm, Oh that’s just my daughter" picking up the picture and looking over it "she's is about Rina's age. Her name is…"
Interrupting "I really didn’t come to talk about family doctor, I would really appreciate it if we could hurry this up." Standing uncomfortably in the middle of the room "Is it alright if I have a seat?"
"Whatever makes you most comftable Scott" gesturing to a nearby chair. "So tell me why did you join the agency?"
"Why are you asking me this you have everything on file already?" Pointing to the open file on the doctor's desk . Dr. Bianchi grabbing the file. "Its all right there you have all of my records form the Marines, the reports of my actions in Iraq everything."
"Scott the reports are someone else's words I want to hear what you have to say. If I were going off the reports alone we have on file you alone, I wouldn’t pass you."
Looking up to the ceiling "Fine. Ask your questions."
"I'm glad you understand Scott." Bianchi looking back to Mars "So tell me about your wife, do you miss her? You haven’t seen her in over a year."
"It has been along time huh. By now I think she is happy I'm gone," rotating the ring on his finger "I wish I could of told her why I left."
"Why was it that you left Scott?"
"What we were doing was wrong. We.. I caused all that death for nothing." Still playing with his ring looking down.
"What about now Scott? You're still going to have to kill people."
"This time I will be killing Padania." No longer playing with his ring "Look at what they did to Rina. She was just a little girl! What did her father do to the Padania, nothing! He chose to wear a uniform to serve his country! Hell he was a paper pusher! The Padania targeted him for that! " Standing up "What I did in Iraq only caused more violence, Sunnis killing Shi'ites. Shi'ites killing Sunnis. Here the Padania kill anyone who stands against them no matter how small. Don't compare what I did in Iraq to what I will be doing here."
"Please sit down Scott," again gesturing to the chair "You seem quite attactched to Rina."
"Jean was right to pick her for me." Hanging his head down "She was a victim before, but now she's strong. Even with the conditioning she can avenge her father and herself even if she has no memory of him or her past."
"Is that your goal Scott to aid Rina in avenging her past life?"
"No." Looking away from the doctor. "my only goal is a selfish one."
"Why would it be selfish Scott?"
"I abandoned my wife, I deserted the Marines, I left my old life behind, to start over. I ran away from everything because of what I did. Is that enough doctor?"
"Thank you Scott this has been eye opening I must say."
Without saying a word, Mars leaves the room. A million thoughts run through his head. The image of the family he found butchered in Iraq flooded his mind, overwhelming all other thoughts and memories. "Why can't I forget this" ran though his mind. This was the one memory that caused him countless sleepless nights. The image had haunted him for nearly 8 months now. "I know I had no control over this, but I shouldn’t have ever been there."
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"Is he alright to go into the field?"
"I would normally say no. However his connection to Rina seems to give him a sense of purpose. All his troubles would normally lead him down a path of self ruin but as long as he has purpose…"
"He will be loyal to the agency."
"That’s correct Director."
Sitting in her room alone, Rina looks at a map of the world on her wall. Looking for the small town her handler was from. "He said it was in California and that’s on the east coast. Hmm wait no it’s the west!" The young girl like many of her counterparts had become utterly infatuated with her handler. He was strong, smart, and handsome. Everything a leader should be she thought. She didn’t like it that the other girls said mean things about him. Triela even called him a bastard more then once. The others didn’t understand how he treated her was to only make her stronger.
"I… I'm.. sorry I failed the course again."
"Do you understand why I am so hard on you."
"Because I failed…"
"No, the harder I'm on you now the stronger you will be later on. One day this training will save your life."
Rina looked at her map thinking about that day. The idea of him doing this only to make her strong made her happy. "Maybe he will come by today. Maybe I should put on the clothing he bought me…" She deiced to change into her new blue pockdot skirt and white tank top with a blue cardigan. "Where are my new sneakers?! Found them" putting on her shoes, Rina runs out of her room headed down the hall to Henrietta and Rico's room bursting though the door "How do I look?"
"Very nice Rina. Is Mr. Mars taking you out today? Henrietta asked.
"No, but he might if he sees me all dressed up. Where's Rico?
"She's on a job today I think they went to some hotel."
"Oh, I wanted to show her my shoes. Hey Henrietta does Mr. Jose take you out a lot?"
Blushing "Yes he takes me somewhere at least once a week if we're not on a job."
"I wish Mr. Mars would take me someplace nice too."
"Maybe after an assignment he will reward you for doing a good job."
"I bet that’s it! He's just been waiting for an assignment."
The girls talked for the next few hours. Rina doing a poor impersonation of her handler during training and Henrietta acting like the scared Rina.
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"I have good news for you Mars" sitting in a chair looking out the window "Dr Bianchi told Lorenzo that your fit for the field."
"That’s great news, so I take it you have a mission set up for me already then Jean?"
"That’s correct. The job is to take a Padania safe house, we would like a prison taken if at all possible," turning back to face Mars "I took a huge risk recruiting you Mars, don’t prove me wrong for taking that risk."
"You wont, just tell me where I need to go and it will get it done."
"The house is in northern Rome, the rest you need to know will be in that folder"
Picking up the folder "Consider it done."
" Leave tomorrow first thing and again Mars don’t make your self a liability."
Walking out of the conference room a since of calm washes of Scott Mars as he thinks of his first assiment tomorrow. This would be the chance to prove to him self that he was doing the right thing, taking this girl and making her strong to let her avenenge the wrongs of her world. It had been years since he had truly believed in any cause that he had fought for. Now with the agency he would fight a war that did not even belong to him, but felt right all the same.
Arvinging at his room Mars calls Triela, "Hello Triela. Could you send for Rina to meet me in my room?"
"Yes sir I will go look for her right now."
"Thank you Triela, and please say hello to Hilshire for me."
"Will do." Hanging up the phone "Ehh I hate him so much."
"Who?"
"Your handler Rina." Looking towards the small girl "He wants you to meet him in his room. Remember if he hits you again come and find me ok?"
"You shouldn’t say things about him he's very nice to me. He only hits me in training!" Getting teary eyed "Just becuesase Mr. Hilshire doesn’t touch you does not mean its ok for you to say mean things about Mr. Mars!"
"CLAES! I swear I'm going to hurt you!" turning to the bunk bed.
Making a desperate jump from the bed to the door. "Just because it's true."
Running after her "You can't run from me!"
Left alone in the room "I still don’t know how she wants Mr. Hilshire to touch her." Shrugging and walking out of the room.
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Hearing knocking on his door "come in Rina."
"Hello sir, Triela said you wanted to see me." Looking around the room noticing pictures and trinkets scattered about. "You have a lot of stuff Mr. Mars."
"I have a tendency to collect junk what can I say, " Feet up and crossed on his desk "The reason I asked you here is to tell you that we have our first assignment tomorrow. Are you ready?"
"I don’t think its junk Mr. Mars. Look at all the cool things you have and all the pictures too!" Not even paying attention to his question walking up to the wall of framed pictures. "Look its you. You look really dirty and sweaty. Oh look at this one I like that uniform Mr. Mars…. Who's that lady your with…." The feeling of her little world collapsing around her. "She's in a lot of the pictures…." Counting she noticed out of the nine pictures neatly arranged on the wall six of them contain the beautiful Hispanic woman.
"Rina focus."
"Yes… Yes sir. I will be ready tomorrow."
"That woman would be my wife Rina." Looking towards the small brunette smiling sadly.
"Oh you're married…" hanging her head ever so slightly. "She's very pretty…"
"I was married" correcting her " she is isn’t she."
Looking back at her handler with a huge smile on her face "Your not married anymore!" looking again to the picture "who are all the other people?"
"They are no longer important Rina" playing with the ring on his finger "Make sure everything is ready for tomorrow understood?"
Turning to her handler "Yes sir!" eyeing the ring on his finger "Umm Mr. Mars."
"Yes RIna?"
"Why do you still wear your wedding ring?"
"Rina I would like you to go and get ready for tomorrow."
"Yes sir…"
After walking back to the dorms, she goes to Triela and Claes's room. She finds the rooms two inhabitants plus Henrietta. She notices that Claes now has a black eye.
"Hi"
Smiling Henrietta says "Oh hello Rina. You look sad."
"Let me see your face" Triela walking up to Rina and examining her face. "No bruises no blood. Good. So what did he want then?"
"I have my first assignment tomorrow!" Rina yells out. "I am so excited I get to spend the whole day with Mr. Mars!" spinning around then suddenly stopping in place. "He's married… to the most beautiful lady…" sulking her head again. "He says he's not anymore but he has a ring and everything."
Claes looking up from her book "I don’t understand your attachments to your handlers at all" shaking her head then looking at Triela.
"Rina he's from America. His wife lives there. We are in Italy. He lives here with us." Pulling the big sister act. "Maybe he misses her and maybe that’s why he has the ring."
"Looking down at the floor. "I guess your right Triela… I'm just going to get my stuff ready for tomorrow."
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The next day the two drove though Rome. Rina loved looking at all the people and buildings it was if she had never seen anything like them before. Mars on the other hand preferred the small towns and villages to the big city. He wore a brown collared coat a Blue button up and tan cargo pants with boots. He felt comfortable in this unlike the suits that the others wore at the agency. Rina was wearing a black and red soccer jersey, a black zip up sweater with a pair of denim capries, her hair in a ponytail.
Smiling "Can we go to a movie after work today!" as they passed a theater "I've never seen one in a movie theater before."
"Not today Rina. I need you fully focused on today's job understand?"
"Understood." Looking to her handler "Umm can we take a picture after at least?"
"Maybe Rina…" focusing on the busy Italian streets "Do you remember the plan?"
"I'm so excited we get to take pictures!"
"Rina…"
"Oh yes sir!" Unzipping her bag "I am to pose as if I'm lost. Try to see if they will let me in to use their phone."
"Once your inside?"
"I go to the bathroom, then mark how many targets that I will have to emlinate." Smiling "Then eliminate them!"
"Good, and if they don’t let you in?"
"Kick in the door and storm the house just as we have drilled." Looking in to her bag.
"What are the two most important things I want you to do in either scenario?"
"Exercise trigger control and check my corners." Remembering her training, the long hard hours of shooting, running and being beaten. She smiles remembering the complements he had given her after each beating.
"Good, I don’t want you to get hurt in there so do your best not to."
"Yes sir!"
Stopping and parking on a street near the safe house. Both exit the car. Mars looking around nods to Rina and walks down the street towards the house. Rina follows, watching and waiting as Mars walks to the guard on the street. "Excuse me sir have you seen my daughter?" Showing the man a picture of Rina.
"No go find a cop and get lost."
"Well if you do see her please tell her to call me she doesn’t have a cell phone she knows my number but…."
"Fine if I see her I will have her call you"
"Thank you!" shaking the mans hand then walking away, he signals Rina to move in the next 15 minutes.
Running down the street with a gym bag looking lost the guard stops her. "Hey kid your father was looking for you!"
'Really where did he go?" looking at the man innocently "Around the coroner but he wanted you to call him. Do you have his number?"
'Yes thank you umm could I borrow your phone?"
"Sure kid"
"Thank you sir…" calling Mars "Papa, I'm sorry I ran off a nice man let me use his phone" looking and smiling at the guard.
"Take him out"
"Yes Papa." Ending the call "My Papa says he will be by shortly. Um can I have something to drink?"
"Sure kid come on inside"
Following the man inside, Rina puts her bag down. Pulling a miniature K-bar from within her sweater she walks up to the map and taps him on the back. The man turning around looks at Rina holding the knife. "What the fu…"
Before the man has a chance to finish his sentence the knife has made its way into his neck. Smiling she says, "You died doing a good deed." Sliding the knife from its entry point to the other side of his neck. Blood spills to the floor. Picking up the mans phone she makes a call to her handler. "He's down, I will be making my way to the 2nd floor where they are located."
"Understood I will be there shortly." Walking back to the empty boarded up home. Mars enters seeing the man with his throat cut. "Messy but effective." Walking up stairs he sees her waiting by a door. He points to the door. She nods.
Knocking on the door. "Umm excuse me?"
"What? Roberto?"
"No he's down stairs he said I could use the bathroom up here."
A man looking though a peephole in the door sees a little girl. "What the fuck is a little girl doing in the house?"
"Please I really need to go!"
"Piss off kid tell Roberto to get his ass up here then leave."
"Fine!" storming off bag on her shoulder."
Looking at Rina after turning a corner. "Clear the room"
"Yes sir" unzipping the bag taking out her HK416 Sub-Carbine. Loading and taking the safety off.
"On three, One Two Three Go." Mars said in a whisper.
Running up to the door the little girl kicks it in causing the guard behind it to be smashed into the wall then collapsing to the floor. Two rounds go off meeting there targets center chest moving with lighting speed she doges a burst form a sub machine gun, running up to the shooter she places the barrel of her weapon to his gut and pulls the trigger. A fountain of blood erupts from the man as he falls to the floor. Turning to see two men running for their guns she mows them down with a burst of her HK. She hears a man in the next room. Walking to the door she can hear a man on the phone.
"Were under attack by some kid!" turning around hearing the door being kicked in "The hell you will kill me!" aiming his pistol at Rina.
Walking into the assaulted room "Rina take him alive!"
With a quick pull of the trigger the hand that is holding the pistol is gone. Then he collapses to the floor as two more rounds echo out as his knees are destroyed. Smiling "Yes sir!"
Now in the room. Adding up the body count. "Six kills plus one prisoner good job Rina" Smiling Mars walks up to her "attend to his wounds while I look for intell"
Beaming with happiness "Yes Mr. Mars!" The only thought going though her mind we are going to take pictures! She can hardly wait.
Walking back into the larger room Mars finds a desktop as he starts to access it he hears a shot from a berretta 9mm then a sudden sting from his shoulder. Gripping his right shoulder "Fuck"
The guard from the door barely able to stand takes aim once more this time to finish one of the intruders.
"Mr Mars!" Rina comes running out of the room knife in hand. Just as the man pulls the trigger a knife enters his hand causing him to drop the pistol the shot missing Mars. Rina losses control as she starts to beat the wounded man. Punch after punch to the face ribs chest.
"Rina stand down!" rushing to the girl "Rina I said stand down!" The man crying and begging for his life. Mars reaches out and touches Rina on her shoulder. She stands up tears in her eyes blood on her hands and cloths. "Are you ok?"
Crying "He shot you! I failed!" Feeling his a hand of the side of her head. "Please I didn’t see him I should have checked my corners! Don’t be upset with me please!"
Shocked Mars knells near her his hand resting on the side of her face. "Rina this was my fault I was careless. I should have made sure he was dead. I didn’t even know he was there." Smiling at the distraught girl "You did save my life Rina. Thank you."
Looking back down to the man. "But I let you get hurt…"
"Its ok Rina the mission was a success." Looking to the injured man on the floor. "Treat his wounds save him if you can a bus will be by shortly to recover the prisoners and clean up."
"Yes sir…" as Mars walks to the next room to check on the man she turns to the man on the floor. She smiles "You died doing a bad deed." Placing her shoe on his neck she gently starts to apply pressure. "No one hurts him." She slams her shoe into his neck crushing it. The man coughs up blood as her shoe meets his spine. Her sneakers slowly stain with the color of blood. Still smiling "I couldn’t save him Mr. Mars."
"Its ok Rina the one you did appears to be the leader" walking back out of the room "Good job Rina" Looking at the man on the floor her shoe on his neck blood still oozing out of his mouth. Mars looks up to her eyebrows raised "Rina you killed him"
With the eyes of an innocent "He hurt you. He had to die"
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badbart101

Male

Forum Posts : 45

Location : Nor Cal

Fan of : Triela/Hilshire

Original Characters : Scott Mars/Rina De Luca

Comments : Prior to reading Gunslinger Girl I would have never thought I would enjoy any manga, but after finding it by pure chance at Borders I have found a new hobby.

Registration date : 2011-04-09

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Re: Rina De Luca

Post by ElfenMagix on Mon 18 Apr 2011 - 3:09

Excellent.

Now the Nitpicking. 'ok' should be capitalized to 'OK'. Second, on most dialog, you should say who said what and how.

Other than that, Excellent.

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If Fernando had Super Powers, He would be God!
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ElfenMagix

Male

Forum Posts : 5682

Location : NYC NY, USA

Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...

Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca

Comments : He has super powers. He is God.

Registration date : 2007-09-21

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Re: Rina De Luca

Post by Alfisti on Mon 18 Apr 2011 - 7:09

@badbart101 wrote:"Did I fucking tell you to stop! Keep moving shit head! My grandmother can move faster than you! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!"
Guess you can take the man out of the Marines, but you can't take the Marines out of the man. Razz

Great start mate. This certainly looks to be an interesting fratello relationship.

As Elfen's already said: it helps to say who's got what dialogue. If I'm honest I didn't find it too difficult to follow, but in some places it felt like it needed something to smooth the writing over. I don't know if you intended it to feel quite so stop-start, but it gets a bit jarring after awhile.

More thoughts to come later.

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Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5763

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

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Re: Rina De Luca

Post by badbart101 on Mon 18 Apr 2011 - 22:22

Thanks guys.
I feel its pretty heavy in the dialogue area and I need to work on that. After re reading it for the 100th time I think I will be working on it some more. My buddy is going to help me with this. Currently I have her reading the entire GsG series to get her brought up to speed. study
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badbart101

Male

Forum Posts : 45

Location : Nor Cal

Fan of : Triela/Hilshire

Original Characters : Scott Mars/Rina De Luca

Comments : Prior to reading Gunslinger Girl I would have never thought I would enjoy any manga, but after finding it by pure chance at Borders I have found a new hobby.

Registration date : 2011-04-09

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Re: Rina De Luca

Post by Alfisti on Tue 19 Apr 2011 - 7:12

Ok, more thoughts:

Actually, first, before I forget: formatting wise it might be worth double spacing between paragraphs, speech and the like. Right now it's a bit wall-of-text-ish, which makes it quite difficult to read.

"That’s right, we try to limit the cyborgs connection to their past as much as possible"
"I thought handlers always picked their own girls?"
"Huh… Well in your case Jean thought it would be best to pick this one for you."
Interesting way to start the story off. It works well for quicky filling in backstory.

As for picking their own girls, I think the first gens sort of set the precedent there (though I don't know if you could call Hilshire and Triela really "picking")... and it seems to have carried over to the 2nd gens, or at least many of the OCs.

"Outfuckingstanding!" releasing her "NEXT time you WILL remember to
check your corners! Now move down my fucking zip line and take my next
obstacle!"
As before, you can take the man out of the Marines, but you can't take the Marines out of the man.

Kara: First Mr. Mancini, then Mr. Alberto, Mr. Mehrandish and now this guy? We're dead.

"Look at what they did to Rina. She was just a little girl! What did
her father do to the Padania, nothing! He chose to wear a uniform to
serve his country! Hell he was a paper pusher! The Padania targeted him
for that! " Standing up "What I did in Iraq only caused more violence,
Sunnis killing Shi'ites. Shi'ites killing Sunnis. Here the Padania kill
anyone who stands against them no matter how small. Don't compare what I
did in Iraq to what I will be doing here."
Mr. Mars here is turning into a very interesting character... I'm enjoying finding how his moral compass swings, you're building a complex sounding character here.

"He will be loyal to the agency."
"That’s correct Director."
And at the end of the day that's all that really matters... that, and an ability to to not get millions of Euros of cyborg too damaged.

"I bet that’s it! He's just been waiting for an assignment."
I'm going to hazard a guess and say that Rina's a first-gen cyborg? Many of her actions and attitudes certainly seem more in line with the first-gens than the second.

"That’s correct. The job is to take a Padania safe house, we would like a prison taken if at all possible,"
Prison? Prisoner?

Good choice of first mission, fairly standard, run of the mill but not easy... perfect to test a new fratello team out on.

Arvinging at his room Mars calls Triela, "Hello Triela. Could you send for Rina to meet me in my room?"
So Triela has the only phone in the dorm? Makes sense, handlers and staff may need to get a hold of cyborgs in a hurry and, as senior she's a) the most trustworty and b) most likely to know where everyone is.

"That woman would be my wife Rina." Looking towards the small brunette smiling sadly.
"Oh you're married…" hanging her head ever so slightly. "She's very pretty…"
"I was married" correcting her " she is isn’t she."
Ahh, the little things that bring a cyborg's world crashing down.

I remember some talk to that effect being kicked around in your OC thread... will be interested to see how you handle it further on.

Smiling she says, "You died doing a good deed."
Crrreeeeepy. Creepy, weirdly cute... perfect for GSG. Tactic reminds me a little of Kick Ass... which isn't a bad thing Wink

Walking back into the larger room Mars finds a desktop as he starts to
access it he hears a shot from a berretta 9mm then a sudden sting from
his shoulder. Gripping his right shoulder "Fuck"
aaaaand cue cyborg berserker protective rage.

"Rina you killed him" With the eyes of an innocent "He hurt you. He had to die"
Again, creepy, but very fitting to the first-gen cyborg mentality.


Overall mate, it's a solid start for the writing, and the characters have really piqued my interest. Looking forward to seeing more.

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Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5763

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

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Re: Rina De Luca

Post by emperor on Tue 19 Apr 2011 - 7:57

Congratulation!

I posted this story in the forum's Page in Facebook already.

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http://on.fb.me/9tuZOK Facebook Page for Cyborg Central : Gunslinger Girl Forum cheers
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emperor

Male

Forum Posts : 1637

Location : Bangkok,Thailand

Fan of : Henrietta,Black Lagoon,Jormungund

Original Characters : Rosetta,Devil baby

Comments : Be creative,baby!!

Registration date : 2007-09-09
Your character
OC genger:

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Re: Rina De Luca

Post by badbart101 on Tue 19 Apr 2011 - 22:03

@Alfisti wrote:Ok, more thoughts:

Actually, first, before I forget: formatting wise it might be worth double spacing between paragraphs, speech and the like. Right now it's a bit wall-of-text-ish, which makes it quite difficult to read.
Well I was just so excited (yes I was really) to post the story that I didnt take the time to fix that...


"Outfuckingstanding!" releasing her "NEXT time you WILL remember to
check your corners! Now move down my fucking zip line and take my next
obstacle!"
As before, you can take the man out of the Marines, but you can't take the Marines out of the man.

Kara: First Mr. Mancini, then Mr. Alberto, Mr. Mehrandish and now this guy? We're dead.[/quote]

:lol!:

"I bet that’s it! He's just been waiting for an assignment."
I'm going to hazard a guess and say that Rina's a first-gen cyborg? Many of her actions and attitudes certainly seem more in line with the first-gens than the second.

"That’s correct. The job is to take a Padania safe house, we would like a prison taken if at all possible,"
Prison? Prisoner?[/quote]

Yes she Rina is. I felt it was easier to write her as a 1st gen only due to the fact that the 2nd gen seem well I couldnt really connect I guess with them? I dont know how else to put that. As for the typo yeah that should be prisoner thanks for pointing it out!


Smiling she says, "You died doing a good deed."
Crrreeeeepy. Creepy, weirdly cute... perfect for GSG. Tactic reminds me a little of Kick Ass... which isn't a bad thing Wink[/quote]
That was what I was going for I totally feel that the girls create a kind of a WTF moment when the strike.

Thanks for all the feed back by the way
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badbart101

Male

Forum Posts : 45

Location : Nor Cal

Fan of : Triela/Hilshire

Original Characters : Scott Mars/Rina De Luca

Comments : Prior to reading Gunslinger Girl I would have never thought I would enjoy any manga, but after finding it by pure chance at Borders I have found a new hobby.

Registration date : 2011-04-09

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Re: Rina De Luca

Post by Alfisti on Wed 20 Apr 2011 - 17:12

@badbart101 wrote:Yes she Rina is. I felt it was easier to write her as a 1st gen only due to the fact that the 2nd gen seem well I couldnt really connect I guess with them? I dont know how else to put that.
Yeah, I get it... I think. Sometimes you just don't dig a particular character type or can't get into their headspace enough to effectively write them. I personally have trouble working up highly emotional/emotionally open characters, it always feels like I'm writing pure cheese or overdoing it. There's a little cynical voice in the back of my head that doesn't believe that anyone could possibly leave themselves that emotionally exposed. That doesn't mean I don't like reading or working with that sort of character, but it's not something I find comes easy. My first reaction is to key them back a notch or two, which is something I need to be aware of and compensate for.

I've been working a bit lately with Voodoo's Marisa and Kiskaloo's Kara... both of whom have been teaching me a lot about the sorts of characters I don't generally write of my own accord.

Hmm, that went on a little longer than expected. sweat

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Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5763

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

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Re: Rina De Luca

Post by ElfenMagix on Wed 20 Apr 2011 - 21:41

I agree with Alfisti. I too am writing Boomer's Alpha and Nachtsider's Liesel, learning how to use them accordingly as per their definitions.

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If Fernando had Super Powers, He would be God!
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ElfenMagix

Male

Forum Posts : 5682

Location : NYC NY, USA

Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...

Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca

Comments : He has super powers. He is God.

Registration date : 2007-09-21

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Re: Rina De Luca

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