JOKEs. no holds bard im a depressive person so try to make me laugh... may contain a wide manner of potentialy offensive language but we've all got a sence of humor

how many DBZ characters does it take to change a light bulb?

ONLY ONE BUT IT TAKES HIM 10 EPISODES...

that was C R A P you try

Your face is the joke.

OH HO KNOW WHO'S THE CLEVER ONE.

...............................................................................................right.............
uh...............................................................yeah..........................................

you get the prize for first reply but not origionality.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

sdp2501 wrote:...............................................................................................right.............
uh...............................................................yeah..........................................

you get the prize for first reply but not origionality.

thatsthejoke.jpg

There are two atoms walking down the street. One says to the other, "I've just lost an electron."
The second replies, "Are you positive?"

Also, conversation me and my friend had the other day (we work in an electronics store, and another of our friends was nearby):
Me: The amount of static shocks you get in this store is shocking!
Him: Watt did you do that for?
Our other friend isn't laughing, but the two of us are cracking up...
Him: She's laughing inside, but on the outside she's putting up too much resistance!
Her: (struggling to think of something) Ohm my god!

XD

TTIO wrote:There are two atoms walking down the street. One says to the other, "I've just lost an electron."
The second replies, "Are you positive?"

god no my physics teacher uses that one

XD

What can I say, I'm a sucker for puns and physics jokes

If this is a contest of bad jokes...

Two ships, one carrying red paint, one carrying blue paint crashed in a fog last night.
Everyone was okay but the crews were marooned.

What do you call a cow with no legs??

Spoiler:

ground beef!!

XD

A: What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

B: I don't know.

A: So you're the one.

Did you hear about the giant that threw up?

Spoiler:

It's all over town!

Whats the matter?


EVERYTHING IS MATTER!

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

Spoiler:

The golfer goes
*smack* "Damn!"

The skydiver goes
"Damn!" *smack*

So three surgeons are washing up before surgery.
1- I am working on my favorite kind of patient today.
2- What is that?
1- an engineer
3- What makes them so great
1- well after you close them up if there are a few parts left over they understand.
2- Well I am working on my favorite patient today as well
1- what is it
2- a teacher
3- a teacher?
2- When you open them up everything is in ABC order
3- well I'm working on my favorite patient a lawyer
1- a lawyer are you nuts
3- they are great beacuse they are spineless, gutless, heartless, and there heads are interchangable with there assholes

What do you call a blond with a dye job

Spoiler:

Artificial intellegence

crazyidiot78 wrote:What do you call a blond with a dye job

Spoiler:

Artificial intellegence

I LOVE THAT...

I know a rather large selection of blonde jokes, courtesy of my father... however, few are tasteful enough for public consumption. *chuckles*

How does one kill a blonde?
A1) Put a mirror on the bottom of a pool
A2) Put spikes on her shoulderpads (when I told this one to a friend in high school, she cocked her head SHARPLY to one side and said "I don't get it." My buddy and I fell out laughing.)

Also, the classic:

Spoiler:

So one day, a police officer finds a penguin wandering the streets. Upon halting it, he asks a passing citizen, "what do I do with this?" The citizen, astonished, says "Take it to the zoo, of course!"
The next day, the police officer finds the citizen, who is shocked to see the penguin in tow, holding a stuffed tiger. "Well," says the officer, "I took it took the zoo, now where should we go?"

oenguin?

Shaddup, I was driving. *grins*

tut tut ,typing whilst driving there should be a law against that !

There's exceptions for police officers.

... no, seriously, there is. *grins*

TTIO wrote:There are two atoms walking down the street. One says to the other, "I've just lost an electron."
The second replies, "Are you positive?"

Also, conversation me and my friend had the other day (we work in an electronics store, and another of our friends was nearby):
Me: The amount of static shocks you get in this store is shocking!
Him: Watt did you do that for?
Our other friend isn't laughing, but the two of us are cracking up...
Him: She's laughing inside, but on the outside she's putting up too much resistance!
Her: (struggling to think of something) Ohm my god!

XD

Something Avise has deployed to enliven a staid physics lesson on a Thursday afternoon:

A man tries to hook up a galvanometer to his circuit, and begins cursing at it when it won't seem to work.
Another man intervenes: "Stop! You can't say things like that, you'll hurt its feelings!"
"What? How can I hurt its feelings?"
"Well, it's a very sensitive ammeter."

Several cyborgs needed reconditioning afterwards.

That was just amazing

I would post something, but I've made too many bad physics jokes in the past week or so. I'd rather diode than make another

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Spoiler:

Getting eaten alive by giant scorpions.

Classic joke from the old country (China), dating from around the turn of the century. You may have heard other versions, but this is the original.

An eminent but arrogant scholar, bored to tears by the long train journey, decides to amuse himself to kill the boredom. He wakes up the illiterate farmer sleeping next to him and challenges him to a wager of wit.

"Let's ask each other riddles, puzzles and other questions - the most difficult we can think of. Any inability to answer will result in a monetary penalty. I'll even be nice, in light of my obvious intellectual superiority. You can start first, and you need only give me ten copper coins for any question of mine you can't answer. I, on the other hand, will pay you ten gold coins for any of yours I can't, " says the scholar.

"Okay," says the farmer. "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The scholar puzzles the riddle over for a long time before finally giving up in despair. He gives the farmer ten gold coins, and the farmer goes back to sleep. Not long afterward, the scholar wakes him up again.

"I beg of you - what was the answer to that question?" pleads the scholar. "I will never, ever rest easy without knowing it. My sense of academic pride and desire for knowledge demand it!"

The farmer doesn't answer. He merely gives the scholar ten copper coins, and goes back to sleep.

Why did the dead baby crossed the road?

Spoiler:

Because it was stapled to the chicken.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying
that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How
about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach
the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't f-in' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order. . ...

How many brunettes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two.
Because one will be too busy trying to tell the blonde she has no pie.

Hm, I'll figure out something funnier later

the true meaning of the acronym PETA

Spoiler:

People Eat Tasty Animals

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep......Can I come with him tomorrow ?

Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

There's an easy way to find out. Lock each one in a car for a few hours and when you come back, see which one is happy to see you!

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

A man died and went to Hell.

"Bummer!" he said. The Devil came up to him and asked why he was so sad. The man looked at him and said, "I'm in Hell!"

The Devil said, "It's not so bad down here. Do you like to drink?"

The man said, "Yes."

"Well, Monday is drinking day down here. You can drink all you want, anything you want. You can drink, and drink, and drink 'till you pass out. Then you can wake up and drink some more."

"That sounds pretty good.."

"Do you like to smoke?"

"Yes."

"Well, Tuesday is smoking day. You can smoke all you want, anything you want. You can smoke until you pass out, wake up and smoke some more."

"I guess I could do that."

"Do you like drugs?"

"Sure."

"Well, Wednesday is drug day. We've got everything. You can smoke, shoot up, snort, eat whatever you want. You can roll around in the coke pile until you pass out, wake up, and do more drugs."

"Hmmm, that doesn't sound bad at all."

"Do you like to eat?"

"Darn right I do!"

"You can eat anything you want down here. You can eat, and eat, and eat until you pass out, wake up, and eat some more."

"This sounds too good to be true!"

"Do you like sex?"

"You bet your ass I do!"

"Are you gay?"

"No......"

"Oh. Well, you're not going to like Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, then."

I have figured out a way to count to infinity.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, turn the 8 sideways.

Well played, JayBird, well played

I would tell you a joke, but i can't get the punchline right yet... i can't duck fast enough.

American condoms come in packs of six: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. There's none for Sunday because Americans are a pious people who wouldn't besmirch the Sabbath.

French condoms come in packs of eight: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on Saturday, and Sunday too pour faire l'amour.

English condoms come in packs of twelve.

January, February, March, April...

the irony of that joke is that statistically the brits have more casual sex than any other western country, with Greece having the most sex in Marriage

sousuke sagara wrote:I would tell you a joke, but i can't get the punchline right yet... i can't duck fast enough.

BOOYAH and another one bights the dust...

There's a farmer who has three daughters. They are all going out on their first dates on the same night. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, meets their boyfriends at the front door with a shotgun.

The first guy comes and says "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The farmer thinks he's alright and he sends the two along.

The second guy comes and he says "My name's Eddy. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer thinks he's alright as well and he sends them along.

Then the third guy comes, the farmer opens the door and the boy says "Hi, my name's Chuck."

The farmer shoots him.

That joke only makes me wonder what girl's name could possibly rhyme with 'Chuck'.

I wondered the same thing.

This is a real conversation I had with my roommate right before we graduated.

Me: Hey, Liz remember how after we finished school we didn't know what to do?
Liz: Yeah.
Me: We were going through are withDRAWal.

Now, a peeps show for you peeps.

Spoiler: