XANATOS

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XANATOS

Post by Nagneto on Thu 8 Sep 2011 - 20:02

My supernatural horror is taking a temporary backseat to a sci-fi story I'm working on instead. Enjoy.


A sentient A.I. is more than it appears to be while Triela and Henrietta hunt terrorists in an abandoned laboratory.


Available HERE: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7364144/1/XANATOS

My apologies for not getting this into the correct forum the first time.

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When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
FEED YOUR HEAD

White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
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Nagneto

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Fan of : Primordial Evil That Has Ruled Before

Original Characters : Sylvester Von Braun

Comments : Sunshine in the house of flames
She loves it where she gets it
But it's never felt the same
Surgery, in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I'll resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah, it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares, cos' the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?

Registration date : 2011-08-27

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Re: XANATOS

Post by Alfisti on Tue 27 Sep 2011 - 4:19

Finally found a few spare minutes to have a read...

Not a bad start mate, interesting group of characters you've got on the kidnappers' side. I wonder what's up with the mission though for the Padania to send what seems to be a bunch of expendables to carry it out.

I also like how you've left the cyborgs as a sort of invisible threat throughout. After reading, I'd actually be quite curious to see a story written from the point of view of the hunted rather than the cyborg hunters.

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Re: XANATOS

Post by Robert Frazer on Tue 27 Sep 2011 - 9:15

An interesting start, Nagento: focusing on characters outside of the Agency is a novel approahc, and there's definitely a sense of greater machinations surrounding them.

"Somebody shut that kid up!" One of the men said. One of his comrades
replied with grin and went over to the eight year old boy and put a gun
to his face and screamed at him.

A few too many "ands"s there! Mix the sentence up a little, and add a few commas to give the reader room to breathe.

The room reflects it's age with the occasional flickering light overhead.

This is a bit cheesy - the place has been abandoned for years, and yet it's still getting electricity? I'm guessing that this has something to do with the AI that will be revealed in future chapters, but having working computers, security cameras (this doesn't worry them?), elevators and weapons (!!!!) in a place that's supposedly derelict would surely elicit some comment from the kidnappers - at the very least, an active facility which could have staff walking around the corridor isn't incognito and doesn't reccommend itself as a good place to go to ground. It'd probably be better for the entire place to be apparently quiet and dead, only for a couple of subtle hints that all is not quite as it seems - such as the security camera silently tracking the kidnappers' movements without any of them being aware of it.

These men are not of significant importance (at least in the eyes of
their peers). They had come from across Italy. Some from the heights of
wealth, others from the depths of poverty. They are ragged and casually
dressed, armed with barely a few pistols and shotguns between them. They
wear ski masks to hide their identities from their enemies and each
other.

Just say that they're insignificant. Also, while I notice that your tenses are shifting quite a lot, it's actually not so bad a thing here - we get the sensation of eavesdropping, of secretly flitting about different vantage points, which contributes to a strong atmosphere; it's suggestive of the kidnappers' entrapment and future secrets to be revealed.

"Fuck him, what happened to them Padania guys? They was supposed to call to make the pick up, man!"

Jitters didn't seem to be as worried about the situation as the other two, so this comment from him doesn't seem characterful. If he's here for the fun of the fight, adjust it to something like "I'm starting to get bored, the Padania guys should have been here already."

"You ain't sliding out of dis like that kid! We either weather dis shit or we're dead either way. You get me pretty boy?"

Is the burly man a cracker?

Pico was a middle aged man who grew up in the wilds of Calabria. He had
been blowing people away with an AK since he was twelve. He had come up
to central Italy in hopes that he could put the mob behind him. He had
been on the run from the law and hitmen ever since. The Five Factions
offered him protection and a stable place to finally get on with his
life in exchange for one last job. The specifics of a job didn't matter
so long as he got his dues.

I think that it would probably be best to save the description of Pico for when we actually see him - stopping to describe a disembodied voice on a radio interrupts the narrative.

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Re: XANATOS

Post by Professor Voodoo on Wed 28 Sep 2011 - 23:46

I enjoyed it, that's a convincing crew of FRF operators you've come up with.

As Robert has already pointed out there is a bit of tense confusion...things shifting from the past to present tense. There's also a few spots where you seem a bit heavy-handed in setting the scene.
Others had already died, casting shadows over the sealed room.
Technically the ones that have already died won't cast a shadow.
I'd sooner elect a queer!
Not a criticism, just a bit of unsolicited advice...these men are speaking Italian to eachother, right? Slurs and interjections are great places to toss in a little of the local language, in this case strano or finocchio.

Looking forward to chapter two!

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Re: XANATOS

Post by Nagneto on Sat 1 Oct 2011 - 20:56

Ah constructive criticism at last! Thank you all very much.

@Frazer: I debated whether or not the alluded tragedy that's taken place at this facility is recent or if it's been awhile. I ended up going for the old "it's been awhile" approach. I'm going for a basic haunted house-esque scenario with sci-fi themes. It might be better if whatever has happened here is more recent, I concur.

I feel I may be spoiling something here, but these kidnappers aren't as valid as you might think. I do see where you're coming from with Pico however. You'll note he's the only one with a given name.

@ Voodoo: The shadows thing, I believe I was trying to create a metaphor. I'll have to look that over as I don't recall it at the moment.

On your second note, I'm going off the rules from Strunk's Elements of Style; generally the rule is if the characters are technically speaking another language (and you're writing in English), in order to keep the flow of the narrative going, it's proper to keep the language in English and avoid gimmicks such as language dropping.

Being that this is fanfiction I can revise this chapter, though I've got my hands tied with other projects at the moment. I shall consider some of these suggestions. I want to build a cold, isolated atmosphere. A retreading of sci-fi themes like the hunter and the hunted and what it means to be human. I do expect there to be an aura of cheese with this set up. I will strive to avoid it, but the what if scenario personally fascinates me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
FEED YOUR HEAD

White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
avatar
Nagneto

Male

Forum Posts : 62

Location : Campbell Country

Fan of : Primordial Evil That Has Ruled Before

Original Characters : Sylvester Von Braun

Comments : Sunshine in the house of flames
She loves it where she gets it
But it's never felt the same
Surgery, in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I'll resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah, it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares, cos' the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?

Registration date : 2011-08-27

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Re: XANATOS

Post by Nagneto on Sat 1 Oct 2011 - 20:58

I'm writing these fanfictions to iron out my grammatical skills along side writing an actual collection of orginal fiction. I consider this run a first draft.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
FEED YOUR HEAD

White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
avatar
Nagneto

Male

Forum Posts : 62

Location : Campbell Country

Fan of : Primordial Evil That Has Ruled Before

Original Characters : Sylvester Von Braun

Comments : Sunshine in the house of flames
She loves it where she gets it
But it's never felt the same
Surgery, in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I'll resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah, it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares, cos' the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?

Registration date : 2011-08-27

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Re: XANATOS

Post by Nagneto on Thu 17 Nov 2011 - 22:09

A quick update.

I haven't been updating on this story or my other proposed story for a while now. The reason being I'm busy with my own stuff right now. Also this all might be a moot point if the damned IP Bill goes through, this site and others like it (fanfiction.net and youtube for example) will face getting shut down. I would still like to continue working here, but right now my attention is on my personal life and this Bill. If this Bill gets passed things are gonna get stupid fast here in the States, and I may be taking to the streets to protest the coming martial law. Yes I truly believe it could come to that.

So I just want to let everyone know I'm not gone or anything, just on edge with what's going on in the real world.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
FEED YOUR HEAD

White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
avatar
Nagneto

Male

Forum Posts : 62

Location : Campbell Country

Fan of : Primordial Evil That Has Ruled Before

Original Characters : Sylvester Von Braun

Comments : Sunshine in the house of flames
She loves it where she gets it
But it's never felt the same
Surgery, in the house of dissection
When your candle burns out I'll resurrect you
She runs through fields of daisies
Yeah, it's just a shame that they eat their own babies
Who cares, cos' the air is free
When you get there will you kiss the dead for me?

Registration date : 2011-08-27

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Re: XANATOS

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