Luce & Amsel - Introduced

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Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by John_234 on Thu 10 Nov 2011 - 20:44

http://john-234.deviantart.com/art/Enter-Luce-and-Amsel-268330414

So, I was working on these two OCs and finally got some new work done. This is the first piece I've done outside of my old forums. It's their first mission, chronologically. What do you guys think?

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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by ElfenMagix on Thu 10 Nov 2011 - 22:46

Formatting issues. Right side is chopped.You can post it on FF.net or here!

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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by John_234 on Fri 11 Nov 2011 - 3:44

I don't think anybody else has had that issue. Hmm....

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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by Alfisti on Fri 11 Nov 2011 - 6:15

Nice mate... only managed to have a skim so far, but your action sequences in particular seem to be flowing well.

Added to the list of "places I need to leave more in-depth thoughts."

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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by Kiskaloo on Fri 11 Nov 2011 - 14:15

@ElfenMagix wrote:Formatting issues. Right side is chopped.You can post it on FF.net or here!
'

Looked fine for me.

I'd forgotten Luce was hearing-impaired so I was wondering why her comments were in italics and Amsel's were spoken, but you cleared that up very quickly by noting Luce was signing her words.

Perhaps Jean never smiled at Rico, but I like to think the other handlers had that same big grin watching their girl kick ass for the first time as Amsel did.

Solid combat scenes. Looks like Amsel's background will do him good beyond just being a mentor/trainer to Luce.

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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by John_234 on Fri 11 Nov 2011 - 14:53

Well, mute, but not deaf. Hence her being able to understand Amsel talking. Glad to see it overall worked out though.

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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by ElfenMagix on Sat 12 Nov 2011 - 2:03


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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by John_234 on Sat 12 Nov 2011 - 2:37

That's pretty bizarre. I have no idea what would cause that - though I'm not familiarwith the browser you're using.

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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by emperor on Sun 13 Nov 2011 - 11:18

No right-side chopped when I'm watch with google's Chrome.

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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by Alfisti on Mon 14 Nov 2011 - 4:51

Well, I promised more in-depth commentary; so for what it's worth... here goes.

@John_234 wrote:The other man sighed at the remark. "Slow and stupid, as mandatory. The Italian system was better."
This whole opening sequence has worked really well for you to set the mood of the story, then slowly ease the reader into context. It certainly does better than a couple of pages of narration.

"Handlers, parents. Same shit."
Jethro: I've always maintained it's more like being married.

"If you say so... Up." The timer beeped and Luce became a blur, pistol
in hand as she spun. There wasn't a discernable pause as the girl dumped
two rounds into the nearest target, her eyes darting to the next before
she even begun to swing around. Four more rounds found their pair of
targets in the blink of an eye, and she slammed in a new mag without
losing a beat, punching the gun out to repeat the process in a fast
second. Then, exhaling slightly, she safed the pistol and smoothly
slipped it back into it's holster. Six casings, six holes in three
targets, and just the two of them in the middle of the Michigan woods,
the training ground's red clay a dirty spot beside a large creek. It had
been a long day, but they had made progress.
I remember you getting a couple of us to have a read through this on chatbox a bit back... seemingly the extra effort has paid off.

I noted before that your action sequences had gone particularly well, this passage is the start of it I guess: the action is smooth, flowing and easy to follow. One action leads into another and you've not fallen into the overuse of names or the dreaded "pronoun overload"... More to the point perhaps the detail's just enough to flesh out what's going on without starting to bog down. I as a bit of a gun afficiondo the temptation was there to throw in more detail? I know it's something I struggle with when describing something I like.

What he'd noticed already with the cyborgs was their uncanny ability to bear down and focus.
Will we be meeting any of the other US cyborgs at a later date?

It was as if the conditioning had programmed all fight and no flight,
just the tunnel vision and super strength that one was granted in a
fight.
Very minor nit-pick... but to be honest I'm actually having trouble finding things to criticise... the second "fight" in the same sentence is a little jarring... perhaps change it to "combat" or similar?

We all have out flaws
"out" = "our"?

[i ]opa[/i ]
Couple of these ones throughout... I've not tried uploading literature to dA, but I assume it uses the same version as for comments and the like.

Luce shrugged. Not to sweet. Not too flaky. Kinda mediocre, but not in a bad way.
Well that was one of the most "meh" responses out of a cyborg regards food I think we've seen in a long time Razz I know exactly what she means though.

Without losing a beat, Amsel yawned, pulled back the sleeve of his grey
coat and examined his watch. "Victor-four-alpha. Good weather. No
traffic." He muttered into the hidden microphone.
I gotta admit: I've never been a great fan of the wrist-mic... still, different strokes (and different roles) I guess.

For all of her training, Luce sat straighter and fiddled with her hands, her eyes darting around nervously.
First mission nerves? I know it's pretty well implied that this is Luce's first time out, but for those who've not been watching the story develop it might be worth throwing it in somewhere.

FBI agents normally retreated from a claymore mine. But they weren't
exactly normal agents, nor were they going to let the bastard get away.
I was wondering this throughout, but is the FBI team (in part or in whole) aware of who they're operating with? Or is the US version of the SWA just crashing the party/been sent along and everyone told to just "not ask questions"?

I'm getting the impression that atleast the vast majority of them didn't know.

He ripped out the two safety pins...
One being the triangular one from chatbox? Does each have a seperate function, or do they both do basically the same thing... because the only reason I could think of for making one triangular would be so that you could differentiate between the two or would know which once you were pulling without needing to look.

...and pieces of shattered lacquered furniture lain across the scorched carpet...
"Lay"? or "were lain"?

frangible ammunition
...had to google that one.

"Did you... throw him?" Amsel said incredulously.
Welcome to the weird world of having a cyborg.

It was less three pairs of rounds as a six-round burst, and before Luce
could blink the spent magazine was on the ground and six more perfect
rounds on target. "Twelve center hits. Three-five-five. Not bad."
Well that's one way to let the cyborg know who's boss... and also a nice way to round everything out.

Some broader thoughts:

On a minor nit-pick... there's a couple of instances where you've used the same descriptive word or noun twice in close proximity or in the same sentence. It's not major, but for be it becomes a bit of a speed-bump in your prose.

I'm also not sure if I'm totally in love with the vignette style you've used at the start of the piece... it's a neat way of quickly showing the growing relationship between handler and cyborg, and of getting the audience up to speed. Again though I found it a bit jarring... perhaps if you weren't using the date headers and worked the time periods into the prose it might flow better.

Either way, I think that's a styalistic thing and can be used to great effect, so totally up to you: I'm not going to tell you how to suck eggs.


Overall mate, and excellent start... I'll admit I'm alsways dubious of the "American/not Italy SWA" idea, but I'm definately looking forward to reading more. Hope that was interesting/of some help to you and didn't just turn into me having a waffle.

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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by John_234 on Thu 17 Nov 2011 - 21:19

Made a few really tiny changes after reading said feedback.

I'm not too sure about other US fratelli. I'm actually one of the only writers from the GSG: America thing who is still writing. I have some friends that *might* be interested but that's all uncertain.

Since the FBI actually has many branch offices, it'd be a matter of, "here's two agents from the California branch assisting" or whatnot. Since Amsel is ex-FBI it's not that hard to work out. The real problem is cleanup after the fact.

Yeah, M84 flashbangs have a triangular pin, and a round pin. I think the concept is to keep one object from snagging both at the same time, reducing accidental detonations. I just mentioned that because the FBI use the same grenades as the US military.

Sorry for the time headers. I really couldn't think of a way that wasn't super work intensive to make that many transitions.

Glad you guys like it though!

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Re: Luce & Amsel - Introduced

Post by Alfisti on Fri 18 Nov 2011 - 3:52

@John_234 wrote:Sorry for the time headers. I really couldn't think of a way that wasn't super work intensive to make that many transitions.
Honestly, I'd be at a bit of a loss as well as to how to make those time jumps in such a short period... I wasn't so much saying "don't use them", more that it's just something I don't personally dig.

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