La bellezza una bestia ~ Beauty is a Beast ~

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La bellezza una bestia ~ Beauty is a Beast ~

Post by sage44 on Sun 27 Nov 2011 - 9:54

The first part is not narrated by Lebie
" Hey Enoch can I walk closer to Venus and her Fratello! " Lebie exlaimed. " Al... Alright " Enoch sighed. it has been 1 year since he had taken her as his cyborg and she keep trying to go away from him for some reason. Is she scared of me he sometimes thinks. Elvin Martin and Venus were walking together talking for a bit. Enoch followed Liebe who was getting closer to Venus and Elvin. Then it happened. Venus remebered what everyone said. Then she remebered what happened to Elsa. Should she do that. She took out her gun. Pointed it at the back of Elven's face she almost pulled the trigger when Liebe pushed her. Venus still pulled the trigger but at Elvin's leg he falled. " Venus what the heck was that!! " Liebe yelled. " Why do you care why did you stop me from shooting his face? " Venus sighed. " Why are you asking me that!?!? You ... you not even almost but SHOT YOUR FRATELLO!!!!! YOUR BROTHER!!!!!! YOUR HANDLER!!!!!!!! Your not Elsa!!! your handler did not treat you like crap before this happened. He treated you like a princess!!!!! " yelled Liebe.They both started to cry. " I don't know why I did it. " Venus sighed. Enoch ran to Elven. " Are you ok??!! " Enoch yelled. " Yes,Just a gun wound in my leg would'nt kill me. " said Elven. Back to the cyborgs. Venus's eyes grew bigger. " I remeber it all " said Venus. " What do you mean? " Leibe said. " The walking in the desert. The slavery. The abuse.The pregnacy. " Venus said. " Huh. Oh is that your past. " said Leibe. " Yes. ". Why her? Why did she have to go through all this crap? Maybe I should blame her. Maybe I should blame myself. Maybe I should blame her handler for being so nice to her. She loved him. Loved him like umm boyfriend-girlfriend. But he loved her like a Geschwister a Fratello a Sibling. Poor girl. I Liebe. A 4 year old cyborg assasin for the SWA in Italy. Shall tell you the story of why this happened and what might have happened if I did not come. " You already knew it was going to happen. " said Venus. " Yes. Yes,I did. " Liebe said. She then smiled to comfort Venus who was still crying. She helped her stand up. This is the story.


Last edited by sage44 on Fri 6 Jan 2012 - 16:22; edited 2 times in total
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sage44

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Re: La bellezza una bestia ~ Beauty is a Beast ~

Post by Danjo3 on Mon 28 Nov 2011 - 4:36

Nice story. Its obvious you have some interesting ideas swirling around in your head. But I think the way you presented it is a problem. You wrote it all in one paragraph. Heres a bit of advice - if a paragraph is to long, it mentally fatigues the reader. You need to break it up a little in order to keep the story flowing. You have a lot of dialogue going on so it would be easy to do.

That being said, it was a good read, and I look forward to your next installment.

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I dont hate him specifically, its the rest of you selfish adults I hold a grudge against.
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Re: La bellezza una bestia ~ Beauty is a Beast ~

Post by ElfenMagix on Mon 28 Nov 2011 - 22:25

I agree with Danjo here.

SEPARATE YOUR DIALOG AND ACTIONS!!! DAMN IT! TRY READING IT IN BRAILLE AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT! DAMN IT!

Great start to a good story. Lets see where you take it.

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Re: La bellezza una bestia ~ Beauty is a Beast ~

Post by sage44 on Fri 6 Jan 2012 - 16:39

Chapter 2: Meeting and Greeting again and again

* Flashback screen comes in *

I walked through the hallways and looked at each room intill I find my new room. It is with Richardrella. She is a kind person so I won't care. I came in the room and saw Richardrella talking to a girl about her age. " Hey Leb! This is the new girl! Her names Venus. " Richardrella said. " Hi! " says the new girl. She had long blond hair and skin like Orchard's. Just a bit darker. " Hello " I say. I then walk to the bed and we start talking. " So what's your handler's name? " said Richardrella. " Hmm.. Elvin... I only met him about 4 times but all of those times he is so kind to me... " Venus says.

* Flashback screen goes off *

Venus wakes up inside a hospital bed and looks around. She has just gotten reconditioned. It was about 2 days after the incident and she felt creepy. " Hey!! Venus! " said Lebie. " Uh... who are you? " said Venus. " Umm... don't you remeber us... your room-mates " said Richardrella. " Uh.. no ... not at all " said Venus. Richardrella and Lebie then went outside. " I think they erased her mind " said Lebie. " DUH " yelled Richardrella. " I hope she is o.k. " said Lebie. Richardrella sighed. " Me too ". Michel walks behind them wearing a black coat a white shirt and black slacks. She then looks up at the two girls and waves then walks away. " Michel, are you going to check on Venus " said Richardrella. " Yes. " Michel said. " Well I advise you to intruduce yourself,not come in like you know her. " said Richardrella. " What does that mean?!?! " Michel snapped. " You will find out " said Lebie. Michel then walks inside, her white tennishoes sqeauk at the entrance of the hospital room. The flowers in her hand. " Hello " " Hello "
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sage44

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Forum Posts : 72

Location : DC

Fan of : AxisPower Hetalia,GunSlinger Girl * duh *,Ouran High School Host Club

Original Characters : Michel " Minx ",Fillala,Brent Cose,Cirus and more

Comments : My favorite charrie from GSG is Claues,she a smart-aleck and so cool.

Registration date : 2011-10-27

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