Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Page 1 of 4 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Wed 1 Feb 2012 - 0:20

Overall, this will be my one-and-only library thread.  All my GsG fic (all one of them, right now) will be announced here, instead of threads for each story.

===

Okay, here's my first take on a GsG fanfic:
Gunslinger Girl Side Story: A Triumph of the Heart, Volume 1

Summary wrote:A Triumph of the Heart is a series of serial short stories about an OC fratello, Paolo Di Tomaso and Dina. It starts early in the series, prior to Raballo's death. It is written to be faithful to the dark and grim feel of the manga. Volume One consists of the short stories 'Favianne', 'Alessia' and 'Paolo'. Together, they give the background stories for the cyborg and handler.
===

Apologies to all for the story being first here as a spoiler, then not, etc.  From now on, I'll post the fic to FanFiction.net and a blip here for those interested.

===

Here's the spoiler-filled summary on the Gunslinger Girl OC/Fandom Wiki. Read this if you want to get caught up to the current chapters, quick-style.

Here's the character concept art I'm using for Dina, the cyborg in the OC's Images thread.


Last edited by taerkitty on Fri 16 May 2014 - 16:15; edited 18 times in total

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by ElfenMagix on Wed 1 Feb 2012 - 0:25

Sounds good as is.
Now finish it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Fernando had Super Powers, He would be God!
avatar
ElfenMagix

Male

Forum Posts : 5682

Location : NYC NY, USA

Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...

Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca

Comments : He has super powers. He is God.

Registration date : 2007-09-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by tremec6speed on Wed 1 Feb 2012 - 1:17

I like it, too! Very Happy
avatar
tremec6speed

Male

Forum Posts : 1968

Fan of : Lauro and Olga!

Original Characters : Vinson/Helen/Salvatore + Gunther/Ayden. Baddies are a small group of 'techno-anarchists'

Comments : I hope to include a short illustrated fanfic story of both Mr. Yutaka Aida's characters as well as some I've come up with.

Registration date : 2009-08-25

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Wed 1 Feb 2012 - 7:18

Reads well mate. Fuller thoughts to come.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by tremec6speed on Wed 1 Feb 2012 - 22:59

Cool Taerkitty looking forward to more! head bang
avatar
tremec6speed

Male

Forum Posts : 1968

Fan of : Lauro and Olga!

Original Characters : Vinson/Helen/Salvatore + Gunther/Ayden. Baddies are a small group of 'techno-anarchists'

Comments : I hope to include a short illustrated fanfic story of both Mr. Yutaka Aida's characters as well as some I've come up with.

Registration date : 2009-08-25

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Jacen Starslayer on Wed 1 Feb 2012 - 23:55

I'm liking what I've read so far.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"I am the sword of justice
Forged by fate and tempered with time
I have struggled to stay true to his dreams and ideals
Never knowing defeat
Nor victory
Forever waiting for his return
This is my, Infinite Sword Dance"
avatar
Jacen Starslayer

Male

Forum Posts : 525

Location : Dover, Delaware

Fan of : Gunslinger Girl, Final Fantasy, Parasite Eve 2, Fate/Stay Night, Ah! My Goddess, etc.

Original Characters : Jay Valentine

Comments : "The man who tries to please everyone, will never be happy with themselves."

Registration date : 2010-01-31

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by ElfenMagix on Thu 2 Feb 2012 - 1:12

An interesting read.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Fernando had Super Powers, He would be God!
avatar
ElfenMagix

Male

Forum Posts : 5682

Location : NYC NY, USA

Fan of : Pia, Elsa, Cleas, Triela...

Original Characters : Fernando & Rachel, Felix & Francesca

Comments : He has super powers. He is God.

Registration date : 2007-09-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Thu 9 Feb 2012 - 2:45

Okay, the Favianne arc is complete, including Epilogue. Please be aware that this one is probably darker in tone than most others I've yet read. It's not entirely humourless, mind you.

I look forward to your feedback, good or bad.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Mon 13 Feb 2012 - 7:46

Managed to have a read all the way through, great little story arc. I personally thought you played Jean's character particularly well for his brief appearance, and a few other little nods to canon that went down nicely.

I'll be interested to see how they draw Favianne into the SWA now, particularly after the mind games the Padania played with her and Jean... well... shooting her.

Fuller thoughts (still) to come.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Thu 16 Feb 2012 - 0:35

Okay, the Alissia arc is up. Hope this answers a few questions. Smile

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sun 11 Mar 2012 - 3:17

Ok, so I promised longer comments, here they are... finally.

Chapter01
Almost as if they were listening by the door, two children dashed onto the oaken sleigh bed.
I've got to admit, I found the first chapter a bit of a slog... if only because I'm at an age and stage where I find small children annoying and intollerable rather than adorable. That said, I got the gist of it, and it did serve well to set up the sort of idyllic, happy life "Vi" enjoyed before everything went to hell, and make the transition that more impactful.

Sandro wasn't fat.
I've got to ask, was it a concious decision to use the name "Sandro" for her husband (considering there's a handler of the same name she'll eventually run into), or did it just turn out that way?

"The same, the same. Not a lot changed in a week, you know. I have a new
shooting to investigate. Well, more than one. One Chinese thug,
probably Lo Tze's man. No wallet, so we're doing the usual. Two are ...
they're trouble, that's what they are. They're ex-military and
Northerners, but not around here."
Talking work over breakfast... I have a fratello who could relate to that. Razz

That said, it's a good quick insight into, not only what both of them do, but also the sort of people that they are... the sort of people who will talk work over breakfast if you will.

But is it really paranoia, Favianne thought, given how many were revealed to have ties to the underworld?
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean everyone isn't out to get you.

It was only because they were in the back of the house that she and her daughter were spared from the explosion.
Great, punchy ending for the first chapter.


Chapter02
She looked at the other bed. A woman's pantsuit, dark blue. A pair of
slacks, a blouse, dull grey. Some undergarments. A jewelry box. Favianne
opened the rolling suitcase and started packing her things. They didn't
fill it.
A metaphor for leaving her old life behind? A personal emptiness? A little of both?

"I'll be brave, Mom. For Pappy and Alessio as well as for you. You won't have to worry about me."
I can't remember if you mentioned how old Alissia is by this stage, but she seems very understanding of the whole situation.


Chapter03
No one remembered him, or all the risks he took, the gains he won.
Nothing quite so tiresome as yesterday's heroes.

After four years, they cut her loose.

For a year, she and Alissia lived in this slum.
Ah, that would explain Alissa's more mature attitude.

These men somehow knew her real name.
I guess when something one has wanted so badly suddenly presents itself, the alarmbells get drowened out.

Tuscan taxes going to imaginary Sicilian bridges.
Nice nod to canon... I loved this whole passage actually, watching the ideals of the Seperatists being woven and manipulated to appeal to someone who may not agree with their goals as a whole.


Chapter04
Umberto leaned in the doorway, an incongruous azure tee shirt under a rough jacket styled after US pilots' from the war.
Again, I'm impressed by your weaving in of the details from canon quietly into the story.

Behind the woman in the wheelchair stood a young girl, almost exactly
Alissia's age. Her chestnut brown hair ended just above the shoulders,
neatly held in place by a black hairband
Lead in worked well... it took me to here first time through to realise what was actually happening. Something was obviously amiss, but... yeah.


Chapter05

That's when her torso exploded. The last thing she saw was a strobe light, the last thing she heard, a roar. And that smell...
As far as introductions to the cyborgs go... that's certainly one of the more emphatic.

"Jose? Jean. Yeah, your rat with right - she's a nobody. Take him to the safe house and squeeze him. Hard."
Perfect Jean.


Favianne Epilogue
This person tends to the most menial of tasks, such as ensuring the copier has paper.
If you can find one of these people willing to work on a building site... tell me.

He took his time studying the same arc. "Work. Yes, it looks like work to me. Definitely a lot of work."
Got a chuckle out of that.

"Goddammit, Jean! Shooting everyone isn't the answer!"
Monty: Could you get her to train the fratelli in that as well?

Which left him with the question, "Who is Favianne DeAngelis?"
I take it that bombing wasn't as well publicised as the Croce incident.


...and I think I'll hold it there untill I've had a chance to digest the next arc. If I'm honest I'm also getting a little bored of saying "good" this and "well done" there, normally I prefer to try and make my comments a bit more constructive. However, here I'm having trouble finding much to criticise. If anything sticks in my mind its that I perhaps started to get a little lost in some of your longer "not saying who's talking" dialogue sequences, particularly where one person said a few things over a couple of lines, but nothing major. Otherwise; your characterisations are great and the story weaving serves well to keep the reader interested.

Enjoyed it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sun 8 Apr 2012 - 1:18

Alright... Picking it up at Alissa's Arc.

Chapter08 (ff.net's count at least)
taerkitty wrote:The aristocratic structure was large, but evidently not large enough,
given the two gleaming steel-and-glass wings sweeping back from it.
I actually had the pleasure of staying in one of these old boarding schools for a few days (chorale tour, we were using it while the students were on holidays)... trimmed hedges, stone walls, iron gates onto the moors, statues and manicured lawns down to the lake (complete with ramshackle hut). They're pretty awesome and you can't miss walking from the old section to the new: suddenly the interior layout makes some sort of sense. Razz

"It's okay, it's okay. That's why I'm here. I'm going to be your sorella, your older sister here. It's okay to cry."
Nice little mirror of the SWA there (and also foreshadowing for later events).

Acutely aware of the importance of her answer, Alissia said, "She
attended here when she was my age." Sensing everyone relaxing, she
added, "And I'm here on an honours scholarship, too."A smile spread across Vincenza's face. "Do you know what we call that kind of scholarship?"
Alissia shook her head. "No, what?"
"A pity scholarship."
Somehow I didn't expect this was going to go smoothly for her.


Chapter09
She would try to holder her breath...
hold?


Vincenza squatted down, caring not a bit that her skirt rode up. "The
difference is, you parasite, that my family's taxes paid for your
scholarship."
I've never quite understood what makes kids in the early teens so bratty (apologies to anyone in their early teens here, but you know what I mean). I'm glad I went to a co-ed school as it seemed to put a bit of a dampner on things.


I like the portrayl of Vincenza though, she's perhaps slightly stero-typical, but in this case she's an effective means by which to portray the general hostility Alissa seems to be feeling...




Chapter10
"My name is ... My name is ... My name is Alissia DeAngelis."
...her slowly crumbling mantra solidifies the effect in the reader's mind.


"We found nothing, Gina. If that is really your name, that is. Your
mother's name is a lie. When were you born, Gina? Which hospital?"
Hmm, someone fouled up creating those identieies...


"And your mother never said? That's bullshit!"
I assume the swearing is a measure of how irate the principal is, everything else we've seen of the character doesn't seem to portray her as a swearing type person.


"Headmistress! I was told you'd still be here. I need to talk to Gina
Pacelli! It's urgent!" Only then did Priscilla allow herself to catch
her breath.
Very Priscilla... sometimes I wonder if she could do "serious intelligence agent", even if she tried. Razz




Chapter11
"We were wondering why you weren't coming in yet. And Headmistress said to remind you, 'No running in the halls.'"
The principal's psychic I see, like all good principals should be Razz


"Is Wednesday still International Day in the cafeteria?"
Is that pure co-incidence? Or a bit of a parallel to the injoke around here that Wednesday is "International Day" at the SWA mess as well? I only ask because you seem to have been dropping a few paralells to the life at the Agency in with life at the boarding school.





Chapter12
At some point, Amadeo and Giorgio discovered her errand and insisted
they come along. Security, they said. Priscilla smiled to herself. Maybe they aren't utterly stone-hearted after all.
I've generally pictured Amadeo and Giorgio having a bit of a caring side... somewhere. However they've both been in the game to long to sugarcoat things as well.


Alissia carefully slid the wrap over Priscilla's head and tied the scarf
around her neck to hold it in place. The little girl kissed her cheek
through the plastic and said, "It's okay. I promised my mom I'd be
brave."
Manly tears...


You really do transitions well, charting as people realise things are going bad and tracking that thought process.




Alissia's Epilogue
Priscilla's room was like any other hospital room: white, sterile, and
stark. The end table was brightened with balloons, flowers and stuffed
toys.
I wonder how many other fully grown adults in the agency would recieve stuffed toys? Razz


Again I find myself struggling to pick holes. I hope you intend to contiue this, there's a lot of questions still hanging: What happend in Gibraltar (or what is/was Gibraltar for that matter), who was the assassin, how did they find Alessia (was it her classmate's search, one of the teachers, following Priscilla?), or was Alessia even the target?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Tue 11 Sep 2012 - 22:49

Thanks to all for the likes! (Sorry, FB-addict here.)

@Alfisti - thanks for all the comments. I hope the below addresses the questions.

Re: parallels with canon. Unintentional, though I was writing this as I was reading the material, so I likely used the same names and aspects subconsciously. If I rewrite this, I'll make sure to change things up a little. Thanks for pointing out the coincidences - they're undesirable because they are distracting.

Re: Favianne packing up. Yes, I was trying for a wistful, hollow feel. As you note elsewhere, desperate people make great marks, and I needed her, a once-savvy cop, to fall for a snowjob. One thing I admire about Yui Aida's work is how he forces us to empathize with the characters. He doesn't just jump to the action, be it the bullet-ballet or the dialog. He takes time to give us a sense of what runs through their minds, what stirs in their hearts.

Re: Bad cover identities. Yeah, the Garde aren't really an intelligence arm, and besides, they were doing Favianne and Alissia a huge favour keeping them covered up. When it came time to let them go, it was a pretty slipshod job.

===

One of the 'walls' I hit when trying to write the next arc was trying to weave a story into the canon and fanon. I stared at the mountain of stuff to try to step around ...

and stared ...

and stared ...

and kind of lost steam. So, I'm going to apologize to one and all, but I don't think I'll be able to match Officer_Charon's ability to work in so many of your lovingly-created characters so well. I'll still try to do so, but it'll be much more hit-and-miss. If I omit someone, please accept my apologies. Doubly so if I mis-represent your OCs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Thu 13 Sep 2012 - 3:26

taerkitty wrote:One of the 'walls' I hit when trying to write the next arc was trying to weave a story into the canon and fanon. I stared at the mountain of stuff to try to step around ...

and stared ...

and stared ...

and kind of lost steam. So, I'm going to apologize to one and all, but I don't think I'll be able to match Officer_Charon's ability to work in so many of your lovingly-created characters so well. I'll still try to do so, but it'll be much more hit-and-miss. If I omit someone, please accept my apologies. Doubly so if I mis-represent your OCs.
I'll be honest; my approach to this sort of thing is that if there's a gap in the story I can fill with somebody's characters, I will... but I'm not going to try to make space. Otherwise what you risk are these sort of awkward cameos that don't quite gel with the rest of the story. So if you can't fit them in, don't worry about it.

That said; if you are using people's OCs, most here are happy to read over what you do before it's posted to give some hints and direction (and prevent massive misrepresentations Razz )

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Wed 3 Oct 2012 - 6:35

So, had a read of your two latest chapters: really nicely done. You're nailing creating interesting backstories... I presume these latest were for the handler?

Anyway, few thoughts...

Chapter 14
With well-practiced efficiency, he ejected the battery from his cell
phone. Even turned off, they can be used to track him. He knew this
well; normally he did the tracking.
Great opener; starts to establish the character and the sort of world he's used to inhabiting in the reader's mind right from the get go. Interesting choice of firearm too; a little at odds with the more cerebral approach with the phone. I'll be interested to learn more about this character.

I don't think I ever signaled for a meeting, ever.
That sentence probably says more about the relationship of the two brothers than anything else in the chapter... or at least to my thinking it does.


Chapter 15
At some point, trains stopped the two story building,
is there an "at" missing in there somewhere?

Bulova watch, one with a link-and-clasp band.
Now I'm really curious to know if the twins are old enough for these to be tuning-fork Accutrons or the later quartz movements.


Hmm, difficult to pick individual moments out to be honest with you... because it works so well as a whole so far. With the knoweledge of the first chapter in mind, the brothers are starting to build as two people, with similar-ish instincts; but eventually following down different paths: Dino, somewhat living in the shadow of his brother at the second chapter perhaps making some bad decisions in order to leave that shadow?

Great stuff, looking forward to seeing where you take it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 13 Oct 2012 - 20:42

My beta-reader gave the first arc (Favianne) a going-over. Rather than overlap names with Sandro-the-person-watcher, I've re-named Favianne's husband Piero. Of course, after I made these edits, I realize that Director Lorenzo's first name is Pieri. What's done is done.

There aren't any changes in the Favianne arc plotting wise.

Also, the handler arc is complete, but waiting for the beta reader before posting the last two chapters. Seeing as the beta reader just got sent the Alessia arc, it could be a while before we see how Paolo Di Tomasi gets out of this fix.

In the meanwhile, I'll start plotting out the first time my OC cyborg and my OC handler meet. It's only been 18 chapters. That must be some sort of record.

===

Edit: 2012-10-17

The title has changed yet again: "GsG Side Story 1: A Triumph of the Heart". This reflects that this will be the first volume of what will hopefully be a collection of stories. I've written to what seems to be a logical stopping point - the two of them meet.

Next volume will be the fratello in action.

---

Alfisti - thank you very much for the comments! I think I corrected that error, thank you for catching it. The brothers have a really interesting background, one rich for further flashing back (I hope.) I liked playing with the 'evil twin brother' trope and hope I executed it in a reasonable fashion.

Finally, thank you for bringing up the Accutrons - I factored that into a later chapter (one you recently read.)


Last edited by taerkitty on Wed 17 Oct 2012 - 19:43; edited 2 times in total

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Wed 17 Oct 2012 - 7:59

Had a squiz at your latest chapters; interesting turn to say the least...

More thoughts when I get a moment.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Mon 22 Oct 2012 - 7:45

No worries mate. I think you're playing the "evil brother" trope well... and using it to add to and complicate the story. I'll admit it's not a trope that I'm generally a great fan of, but you're building it in carefully and from the start so it feels like a part of the structure rather than an afterthought or add on; I think my usual adversion to it is that it's often brought in late and gives the impressions the author had just run out of ideas.

And no worries on the Accutrons... I'm a watch nerd to the use of Bulova as a brand intrigued me.

Now then: onwards.

Chapter15

I'd just like to say on this one: loved the opener for the chapter. Quiet but impactful without having to resort to showy theatrics; well in keeping with the feel of the source material... and of course quickly and succinctly sums up the intervening years and a the major event thereof.

The mailboxes were in such disrepair that he didn't even need to unlock
his - the door was bent outward enough he could just pluck the letters
out.
Nice detail... it's things like this which make the world just bit more vivid.

"Listen. Do you remember the bar back in Monticelli, La Piccolo Angelo
Azzurro? Ask the bartender to meet Signore Pirazzi. Tell him my name,
and that if he helps you and Paolo, all debts are paid? Do you remember
all that? La Piccolo Angelo Azzurro? Signore Pirazzi? Do you?"
Guess some of those lies weren't lies afterall?


Chapter16
"They're not gangsters, they're patriots! And I'm not an errand boy,
either! You won't believe what I can do, how many people listen to me!"
I'm trying to work out if Dino actually believed in the Seperatist cause when he wound up joining... or if he joined in desperation and has come around to their way of thinking (perhaps a similar operation to the one they used on Favinne? Or was the father involved and he's picking up the family business)... or a little bit of both? Either way, so many delicious questions to have answered.

"What can't you do, go back to La Università?" Dino clasped his hands over Paolo's. "You must. Remember what you were thinking when you crashed the Fiat?"
Paolo nodded.
"That's what I'm doing now. The same exact thing. Would you have wanted me to throw away the life insurance money if you had died?
Sounds like wrong decisions for the right reasons... at least initially. Harking back to a previous comment: I think this is the first time in your story so far that Dino has taken the lead of the two brothers (bar the visit to his father)?
"He's clean, Herr Torrecelli."
The Germanic address here is intersting... I now wonder if it will have some bearing on later events.
'Dog grave, full moon.'
I always like it when things come full circle.
"Me?" The older man gave a tight, nervous laugh. "I didn't do anything. Their witness vanished."
Again, as with your starting: excellent ending. It doesn't say much but leaves the reader in no doubt of the sort of person Dino's become.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sun 4 Nov 2012 - 1:02

Not a lot that TSM and Alfisti haven't already seen, but I decided to get off my duff and post what I have. This means that Side Story 1 is complete, and I'm off on Side Story 2.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Tue 13 Nov 2012 - 6:58

taerkitty wrote:Not a lot that TSM and Alfisti haven't already seen, but I decided to get off my duff and post what I have. This means that Side Story 1 is complete, and I'm off on Side Story 2.
I'd seen the last two chapters, albeit in rough form, but not the first one. Either way, intriguing and enthralling work as always mate.

Anyway, thoughts.

Chapter17|Two Requests

(Did I ever mention how much I like your running of a theme through the chapter titles?)

Paolo sat in the cafe for half an hour, then went to the restroom. He
had chosen this place because the restroom was around the corner from
the bar and tables, and next to the closet-sized kitchen. He waited in
the bathroom for a minute, then slipped past the kitchen and out the
back door. He had spotted a possible tail, a dark-haired man in a dark
grey leather jacket sitting by the opposite wall, but didn't see him
emerge from the back of the cafe.
Mild nit-pick/observation: you've started three out of four sentences in this paragraph with "He"... by the time you hit the third it's getting offputting. Maybe shuffle the words around a little so the reader doesn't fall into that beat so much?


He found Massimiliano D'Acampo reclining in his armchair surrounded by
three folding banquet tables, each displaying a very large,
field-stripped firearm.
Reading through the chapter, an interesting character. Are we likely to see more of him? Perhaps as someone Paulo trusts more than the SWA's own resources when he needs a... special order... filled?

Paolo touched his left eye and winced. "I forgot about that. No, I won the fight all right. Three of them, one of me."
"You shoulda seen the other guy."


So long as you're here with anybody's lira, you're my brother.
Straight up and down: money talks. I like him.


"No, Massim. Not blank firing. Blocked. I want a steel bar welded
into the barrel so the round can chamber, but if it's fired..."

D'Acampo
blinked. "What? It'll shatter the gun. Why do you want to do that? I
can make it as good as new! Besides, it could take someone's hand off."
Sneaky... again, I like it.


The smoke was starting to clear. Everything, that is, expect this huge mess.
This is the reason J+M avoid killing people and wanton destruction, it's not that they're squeamish: it's just a pain to clean up (and, there's a small amount of professional pride there too).



Chapter18|Paulo's Epilogue

"...and that's when I called the locals." Paolo looked away from the
older woman with the Russian accent and swept-back, mannish, silver
hair. He found himself looking at the pretty brunette operating
polygraph.
To be air, Priscilla probably is the most photogenic of the SWA staff... I wonder if they pair her and Olga up on the polygraph on-purpose...


"The bombings. The killing. The Five Republics crazies have become more indiscriminate in their 'acts of patriotism.'"
She
smiled. It creased her face, did nothing to soften her countenance.
"They've been bombing even before the Croce attack. That one was just
the most ... photogenic of their excesses."
Timeline wise I understand your story is taking place in the Gen 1 era? From this statement: fairly recently (within a year or so) after the Croce incident?


"You already killed him, Paolo."
The phrase: "I'll believe it when I see the body", comes to mind.


Chapter19|Side Story 1 Epilogue

The diary/letter was an interesting vehicle by which to wrap things up. I think when you showed it to me the first time there was an entry from Paulo as well?

I remember reading that in fairy-tale books, and wishing it would be me.
She has memories of her life before becoming a cyborg? Or is it meant more as a general statement, probably correct and applicable to any girl her age falling in love?



I opened my eyes, and there he was. He was so handsome (still is!) that
I wanted to cry. He was wearing this beautiful grey suit, and he had
this white box with him.
Oh how beautiful the world can be through the eyes of a freshly awakened cyborg.


The big handle is all chewed up, too. It has these little chips cut out of the wood, like someone was bored or something.
On the assumption that the original gun blew up in some mook's hand, I take it this is a new one, cut out to mimic Paulo's original? Or did he manage to salvage parts of the original... I guess getting the grips particularly if they weren't destroyed would have been a good plan, seeing as people at his old work seemed to remember him by them.


Dina
Interesting choice of name... replacement goldfish?


Captain Raballo spoke very highly of Mr. Di Tomaso from their days in the Carabinieri
Again, fitting timeline: post Raballo's death?

As I said before (and, I think, every other time I've left comment); excellent stuff. You're building an interesting and detailed backstory for your characters... I'll now be interested to see where you take then from here into the future. Keep it up.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Mon 19 Nov 2012 - 12:45


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Thescarredman on Mon 19 Nov 2012 - 16:16

If he follows the link, that fellow's in for an education...
avatar
Thescarredman

Male

Forum Posts : 1848

Location : Toledo, Ohio, United States

Fan of : Rico, Bice

Original Characters : Kristal & Verotrois / Doc; Angel / Jack Keaton; Tiffany/Stefan

Comments : .
Mario Bossi would make a better handler than Marco Toni. Come to think of it, so would Christiano.
.
Elizaveta didn't jump - she was pushed.
.
Sofia was pregnant. It would have been a boy.

Registration date : 2012-02-04
Your character
OC genger: 40

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Tue 18 Dec 2012 - 21:10

Okay, next short story is up: Dina, the first short story in Volume Two:


Summary wrote:Volume Two consists of the short stories 'Dina', 'Training', and 'First Mission'. Together, they show how Paolo Di Tomaso and Dina come to bond as a fratello. OC fratello Paolo di Tomaso and Dina. CC Priscilla. Set during Raballo's time.
===

An with it, a few more retconned edits:

- The title is simply "Gunslinger Girl Side Story: A Triumph of the Heart".  'Volumes' are indicated in the story flow as chapters.

- The 93R is replaced with a Beretta 90-Two thanks to John's advice.

===

Pairing up Olga and Priscilla to flutter a candidate (or suspect) makes sense - distracted people make worse liars.

===

The story takes place very early in the timeline.  Raballo is Paolo's 'sponsor' into the SWA.  As an aside, did Raballo ever take Claes to any field missions, aside from that one failed field training excursion?

===

A thought about an earlier comment that the DeAngelis bombing not being as well-known as the Croce one:

The Croce incident was much more notable than the one at Prosecutor DeAngelis' because the Croce bombing incurred many other deaths, while the DeAngelis only claimed one more life.  In a way, the DeAngelis bombing (five years ago) was a 'stepping stone' to the Croce bombing, though I've no idea if Dante was involved or not.

===

Re: Paolo's missing letter from the first draft of the Epilogue

It was, but it seemed too rushed, and, truth be told, the more I looked at the events during that initial meeting, the more I wanted to flesh out the reactions, so I expanded that letter into larger chunks of this current short story.

===

Finally, a confession: I see the fratello relationship as being a very complex and delicate one, having mentored online some younger writers in their early teens when I was easily a score or more years older than they were.  I'm still developing a 'feel' for the interplay, so I'm afraid I'm not as quick to get them into action.


Last edited by taerkitty on Sun 20 Oct 2013 - 20:56; edited 2 times in total

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Wed 19 Dec 2012 - 6:42

taerkitty wrote:Okay, next short story is up: Dina
Well written as always mate... more thoughts when I get a moment, but I particularly...

Spoiler:
...liked the concept of Paulo needing a couple of stabs to finally hand the gun over and make his bond with the girl.


taerkitty wrote:Finally, a confession: I see the fratello relationship as being a very complex and delicate one, having mentored online some younger writers in their early teens when I was easily a score or more years older than they were. I'm still developing a 'feel' for the interplay, so I'm afraid I'm not as quick to get them into action.
Personally I'm quite happy for it to take awhile for you to take your time getting to the action. I know I've said it before, but I've always viewed GSG more as a character drama than as an action/thriller/whatever series, so building those characters and their relationships is the most interesting part of it. Also: totally understand what you're saying regards still getting a handle on the "feel" of the interplay. I know it took me, well, quite a bit of comic and maybe a chapter or two of story before really feeling I'd settled into a solid groove for J+M's relationship.

Take your time, and I look forward to reading it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 22 Dec 2012 - 16:26

Just because I don't want to start a new thread for this:


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Wed 26 Dec 2012 - 23:08

My first CC (canon character) fic:


Gunslinger Girl Short Story: The Gifts

Christmas works its magic, even for one as cold-hearted as Jean Croce.


Last edited by taerkitty on Sun 20 Oct 2013 - 20:57; edited 2 times in total

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Thu 27 Dec 2012 - 2:44

Another Christmas story idea, though this one may be an anachronism.  If so, please tell me and I'll make the changes needed.


Gunslinger Girl Short Story: A Christmas Errand

In the shadowy world defined by the SWA and the Lega Nord, even Christmas has its own unique traditions.


Last edited by taerkitty on Sun 20 Oct 2013 - 20:58; edited 2 times in total

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Thu 27 Dec 2012 - 11:20

Great stories on both counts... per usual: thoughts in the pipeline.

One now though
Spoiler:
Part of me is having difficulty with the idea of sending a cyborg on the Christmas Errand. The girls' greatest weapon is the anonimity; surely sending one to a meet like that would be counter productive? (Yes, I realise Triela is already known to Pino, but still...).

That said: I can see what you were going for and it was very effective. As a result I'm perfectly willing to fill in the gaps in my own head as to why Hilshire took Triela along.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Thu 27 Dec 2012 - 22:07

Ok, more thoughts... starting with Triumph.

Dina CH01
"I know. You'd think they should be playing with dolls, or ... whatever it is little girls their age do.
Probably voicing a bit for all handlers in being a mite confused as to what young girls should actually be doing with their time. Hence I guess the sanitised childhood we keep talking about.

The other girl, a blonde in a similar bob-cut, walked out of the training house.
Henrietta: Well it would be like mine, if she brushed it ever.

You learn to look away, to focus on your own girl.
I can't remember who it was put forward the idea, it may have been ChaosKin (wherever he is now), about the handlers being self-policing as far as how they treat the cyborgs goes. So while in general, and the SWA as an organisation in particular, give quite a lot of leaniency and look away, if a handler is going particularly far then as a group the other handlers will step in to suggest they back off... even if that means Jean or Lorenzo quietly pulling someone like Hilshire aside and suggesting he might want to have a chat with x. I liked the idea and it added a sort of human touch to the organisational dynamic.

Pietro smiled. "Lucky him."
Enigmatic reply Razz I liked this whole exchange actually; casual, relaxed... but still with a background bite of inter-section rivalry, particularly from Pietro's end.

You should have let me give you another one.
- Massim
Again, and interesting bit of history and a neat way of hinting to the reader exactly how much crossover there was between Raballo and Paulo's operations/how much of each others' worlds are known.

"Oh, they didn't tell you? You're going to be a handler. So, what are you going to name her?"
I've never quite worked out why the SWA seems to avoid telling their new hires what they were in for... aside from narritive effect of course Razz


Interesting opener... I don't think we've seen a handler arrive in fanon with a mentor already pre-installed (and it made a useful vehicle by which to give him the rundown and set the scene/mood). I'll be interested to see how that pans out for Paulo, whether he's naturally inclined to stick around Raballo or move out amonst the other handlers and staff.


Dina CH02
white in colour
"Colour" spelt correctly... this makes me happy Razz

This room was not initially designed as a hospital room. A fuse box
disturbed one wall, and the ceiling had open vents dotting between the
fluorescent panels. In the corner sat unused two or three wheeled
privacy panels. A wheeled trolley was the only furniture in the room
aside from the bed. No chairs.
Weird aside: but it always fascinates me as to how different various writers' takes on the wakeup room are... put it down to the SWA developing over time perhaps.

She placed one finger to the side of her jaw and let her eyes rise absently at the line where the wall joined the ceiling.
Whether by intent or no I see she's laying on the adorable with a trowel. Razz

...and were cross-assigned to the Servizio per le Informazioni e la Sicurezza Militare for five years under Captain Claudio Raballo." She blinked. "Uh... what does cross-assigned mean?
You really are the master of show-not-tell aren't you?

Either answer is wrong. He shot a glare at the mirror. Raballo, what have you gotten me into?
"Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, the cyborg is probably less scared and confused than you are".


Great second chapter... I can see now you're one of those annoying authors I'm going to struggle to give some form of intelligent crit to. There's little to nit-pick and difficult to isolate particular points to talk on as it works so well as a whole, and depends on that weaving together of the entire passage. Your portrayl of a first gen waking up was excellent: innocent, open, ready to jump at any command, but most importantly you've hit the feel of the whole thing. Reading through this now, it was the right decision to cut Paulo's letter/diary entry from the last section's epilogue... this has been far more effective at showing his discomforture/sense of displacement with the whole affair.


Dina CH03
"Uh, hello, Dina." Priscilla took a deep breath. "Do you know who Alessia is?"
Christ girl, Bianchi's going to cuff you upside the ear if he finds you've been talking to the cyborg about her former life... though I note Pris's cyborg-management skills are far more advanced than Paulo's.

"Me? Oh, no. After what happened to her, if I knew her then, I'd be out there hunting down those bastards."
This is an interesting line, not so much in relation to Raballo, but certainly in relation to Priscilla... makes me wonder what her motivations for helping Paulo onboard were. Shes not really a field agent, does she perhaps, whether conciously or no, intend to use Paulo to hunt them down by proxy?

Raballo rested a meaty hand on Paolo's shoulder. "No, there's a minimum dose for a reason."
"Organ rejection?"
"No. It's addictive.
"What does the conditioning drug actually do"... now there's a recurring fandom argument...


Dina CH04
A giggle and a whisper rewarded her. "The best part is, it's true. She
lived happily ever after. You said it, so it has to be true."
Ouch... shot to the heart.

Once out the door, she set off searching for Paolo.
Priscilla really is, in many ways, the SWA's collective consience at times isn't she? I love the character you're building for her by the way, expanding on what we know from the manga without leaving that canon character.

"That's not her, it's the conditioning. She will be back to normal, and ..." Her voice died off.
Said for Paulo's benefit or your's Pris?

"You can't leave this place. Not on a whim like this. Not alive, anyhow."
Dark foreshadowing considering Raballo's eventual fate.

"I owe Dina my life. You owe me yours. That means, you owe Dina your life."
So many questions raised from those last two lines; there's plenty of handler candidates, why specifically Paulo? Did Priss think he would make a good handler for Dina? Or did she need someone she could turn the screws on a little (going back to the prevoius comment about hunting people down). Or was it a little of both; wanting to trap the right person there... or something else entirely.


The conversation right through the chapter between Paulo and Priscilla... I don't know if it's what you were going for, but it feels like, though Paulo's voiceing actual thoughts, what he's really trying to do is justify his own urge to run away whilst making it sound like he's worried for Dina.


Dina CH05
The intensity of her eyes, the slight upward tilt of her head, the
tightening of her voice – Paolo learned long ago to read these cues, and
they all attested to the veracity of her words. Her threat, really.
Or was she putting it on... surely Priscilla's learned to read those signs as well; I assume running a polygraph is more than just watching lines on a page.

That said, while I can see her "miscalibrating" the polygraph, entraping someone through a lie seems particularly dark for little miss sunshine there. Then again; everyone gets desperate sometimes.

she cracked his lower back with a two-handed hug.His back actually felt better after that.
Free physiotherapy, just one of the many job benefits offered by the SWA.
"See, if those are your true feelings, then I didn't respect them when I
first gave you this. I should have given it to you like this." He
cleared his throat. "Dina, we'll be working together a long time. It
will be dangerous. Bad men will be shooting at us. I want you to be able
to defend yourself. To defend us. I want you to have this, and to use it in the service of the Social Welfare Agency."
It's taken a long time to get to this point, but totally worth every word. I like that it signifies not just sealing the deal for Dina in this case, but also for Paulo in taking his role as handler.
"Oh, that's easy. I just watched as you and the rest of the doctors did
it. You use 8-6-7-5-3-0-9, and everyone else uses 5-2-6-8-8-2." Dina
beamed proudly.
You know, I was always under the impression the girls and grounds (particularly the medical wing) we monitored 24/7... I wonder if there's someone taking notes on what Dina does, seeing what happens. This early on I imagine the medical staff would be quite interested to see how the cyborgs behave.
"She's buried here? That's kind of spooky. Does Alessia come and visit?"
Ouch... to the heart again.


You know, come to think of it: a few authors have used the foil of someone at the Agency having know the cyborg prior to their conversion, but few have addressed the complexities of that so well as you have here, and of course Priscilla has put herself in an extra awkward position by letting on about Favianne and Alissia and now has to somehow make up answers around that for Dina. Fun times for her, but self inflicted.


Dina's Epilogue
Fortunately, he was willing to meet Priscilla on a weekend.
Nice thing about the people who run these sort of stringent arrangements: as long as the customer abides by the arrangement, they're usually willing to help out from their end as well. Give it up for customer service.
His sister picked it out...
One of those loose ends to be utilised at a later date if need be? Razz
Her eyes closed, her head bowed, her voice soft, she said, "Double"
Love the ending... well "love" is possibly not quite the correct word, but it's quiet, impactful and hits all the correct buttons.


Great stuff per usual mate, I look forward the the next. Gotta scarper now, but will come back for the Christmas stories later.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Fri 28 Dec 2012 - 4:06

Ok, new skinny chinos collected from the alterations place and in the wash, so on with the show:

The Gifts
Spoiler:
As the transaction closed, a flash of that special, that hated cyan hue
on the polished steel register caused him to spin around, his hand
halfway to his chest.
Very Jean; on mission even during the holidays or at least on the lookout... though I get the impression some of the other handlers and staff may be a bit more punch-clock.

He slapped a €500 note and a business card with a neatly-penned address to the family crypt.
I wonder what his public business card actually says...

...I see what you were going for here with the note, though part of me wonders what he'd be carring one of those around with him for. Razz

Everyone applauded. Including Visentini.
I like this, humanising the Padania. One of may favorite things about GSG is that it's all grey, and half the time you're not actually certain which side are the "good guys". Even the so-called terrorists, much of the time are just regular folks who happen to hold a different viewpoint to the government.

I hate using the word "interesting" so much to describe your work, but it is. It's intriguing and makes you wonder about the motivations behind actions and how things may have panned out if, say, that room had been host to a Padania big-wig rather than just a cleaner and his future-apprentice.


A Christmas Errand

Spoiler:
Victor nodded and looked at her, noting he needed to take her again to
see the tailor, as the top button of the vest was once more starting to
strain.
I assume then you're from the "cyborgs grow" school of thought? Yet another great fandom debate. Razz

"Not today, Triela. Well, bring it if you want, but I don't think we'll need it."
One thing about releasing both stories about two seperate fratelli so close together is that it gives an exceptional chance to juxtapose one relationship agaisnt the other. See Jean berrating(ish) Rico for mixing up what he wanted, compared to Hilshire and Triela here.

She unholstered her SIG-Sauer P-232, ejected the magazine and checked it. Conversation over.
Non-verbals... love me some good non-verbals.

They stopped in the anteroom. "Good, because that's all I know. The Archangel Michael, on the other hand…"
"You're getting a lesson whether you want it or not" Razz Though I get the impression this is in part a way in which to break Triela out of her frump.

The face was new to Hilshire and he readied his phone to snap a photo of this newcomer.
So neutral... but not that neutral.


Excellent again. I like these little snippets... the humanise the world and those residing within and give it depth; probably difficult to work into a larger arc, but important none the less.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Fri 28 Dec 2012 - 4:55

Dina CH01

...the sanitised childhood we keep talking about.
I get more ideas from the chatbox than I can credit. Thanks to you for all you add to this, both in the comments and in our chats.

Henrietta: Well it would be like mine, if she brushed it ever.
Too true!

So while in general, and the SWA as an organisation in particular, give quite a lot of leaniency and look away, if a handler is going particularly far then as a group the other handlers will step in to suggest they back off...
But who will step in and tell Jean to stop slugging Rico? Smile Jean not only treats Rico like a tool for his vengeance, he also performed 'percussive maintenance' on her at least once in the canon.

this whole exchange actually; casual, relaxed... but still with a background bite of inter-section rivalry, particularly from Pietro's end.
I'm envisioning Sections One and Two both occupying that compound. There was that one scene where Triela shows up in Section One (and gets called a 'princess'), so they can't be too far apart, otherwise someone would have had to deliver her from the dorm to Section One offices, no?

an interesting bit of history and a neat way of hinting to the reader exactly how much crossover there was between Raballo and Paulo's operations/how much of each others' worlds are known.
Raballo is pretty much a cipher as well. We see a lot of him, but we don't know a lot about him. He gives me a lot of freedom.

I've never quite worked out why the SWA seems to avoid telling their new hires what they were in for... aside from narritive effect of course Razz
Me neither, but when in Rome...

Dina CH02

"Colour" spelt correctly... this makes me happy Razz
Well, I hung out for a few years on a now-defunct UK writer's workshop forum (East of the Web, which is now only for posting professional fiction.) I spell honour and behaviour right as well, though not maneuver nor check. I'm half a duck.

it always fascinates me as to how different various writers' takes on the wakeup room are...
This was my attempt at describing Petra's waking up room, though I didn't include the fingerprint scanner (it was added later!)

Whether by intent or no I see she's laying on the adorable with a trowel. Razz
Apologies.

Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, the cyborg is probably less scared and confused than you are".
Love it! LOL!

Reading through this now, it was the right decision to cut Paulo's letter/diary entry from the last section's epilogue... this has been far more effective at showing his discomforture/sense of displacement with the whole affair.
There was too much to write as a "this happened" letter. And, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it to be a bumpy bonding, so it was better to have the chapters show it in realtime.

One failing I always had was "jumping to the good stuff", so this time I'm trying my best to let it build up to "the good stuff" without letting it lag.

Dina CH03

Christ girl, Bianchi's going to cuff you upside the ear if he finds you've been talking to the cyborg about her former life...
Oddly enough, Rico remembers her background. Besides, Priscilla didn't tell Dina it was her former life. It was a friend. Yeah, that's the ticket. It was a friend.

Oh, the lies. And what fun is ahead because of them!

makes me wonder what her motivations for helping Paulo onboard were. Shes not really a field agent, does she perhaps, whether conciously or no, intend to use Paulo to hunt them down by proxy?
I hadn't considered this, but that looks like it's a great addition to the story. It's definitely in the running for her motivation.

"What does the conditioning drug actually do"... now there's a recurring fandom argument...
As far as I see it:

- it's addictive
- it messes with your memory
- it *might* be what's killing them in five years' time
- it's needed for surgery
- it's addictive

Dina CH04

Ouch... shot to the heart.
We both agree GsG is much more the character drama than an action manga. I'm trying to capture the tragic aspect of it as well. It may end up a little forced, though. Priss putting her foot in her mouth by talking to Dina about Alessia was intended to open up these sorts of little moments.

Priscilla really is, in many ways, the SWA's collective conscience at times isn't she?
I love her mental monologue after 'asking' Angie to ride home on her moped, about how much of it was a request if Angie was conditioned to agree, etc. Priss is too much SWA-indoctrinated to try to 'save' the girls. She knows their short and pained future. She's not fighting it. However, she's fighting (in my mind) to try to stay human and capable of feeling in spite of her surroundings.

The conversation right through the chapter between Paulo and Priscilla... I don't know if it's what you were going for, but it feels like, though Paulo's voiceing actual thoughts, what he's really trying to do is justify his own urge to run away whilst making it sound like he's worried for Dina.
I'm trying to write Paolo as someone who is capable of caring, who isn't deadened inside like the Croce brothers. Toward the end, they'd had gladly tossed their charges alive and kicking into the pyre to get a shot at revenge. Hilshire is capable of feeling, but is blinded by his sense of guilt toward Triela, for not getting there sooner, for failing to save both her and Rachelle, etc.

If he's capable of feeling for Dina, he has to first overcome the natural WTF?!? feeling of the whole cyborg program in the first place, hence him talking 'around' this elephant in the room.

That said, while I can see her "miscalibrating" the polygraph, entraping someone through a lie seems particularly dark for little miss sunshine there. Then again; everyone gets desperate sometimes.
Too dark?

Dina CH05

Free physiotherapy, just one of the many job benefits offered by the SWA.
LOL!!! (Second time, too!)


I like that it signifies not just sealing the deal for Dina in this case, but also for Paulo in taking his role as handler.
Yes, he's all-in now. He thinks he knows what he's in for.

I was always under the impression the girls and grounds (particularly the medical wing) we monitored 24/7... I wonder if there's someone taking notes on what Dina does, seeing what happens. This early on I imagine the medical staff would be quite interested to see how the cyborgs behave.
The cyborg techs are the most nebulous of all. Who are the twins that help 'design' Petra. Where do they go? What do all these people do? How do you get into this line of work, anyhow?

I can easily see that going on, but I'll need to intro it early to keep it 'fair' to the reader. I hate unfurling something at the last moment on a reader.

Dina Epilogue

His sister picked it out...
One of those loose ends to be utilised at a later date if need be? Razz
Again, thanks for the nudge. If you see Pietri DeAngelis' sister, it's your fault, Alfisti!

it's quiet, impactful and hits all the correct buttons.
Thanks! It was the 'money line' for this short story, really. The goal of the short was to show Paolo making the go-call to be Dina's handler (not that he had a viable choice), but the line that I was looking forward to writing was the "make it a double".

===

The Gifts
I get the impression some of the other handlers and staff may be a bit more punch-clock.
Marco is just about fully checked-out (of the metaphorical hotel) in this regard. I don't know about Lauro. Jose is laid back (and may have missed the wearing of the blue), but I think he'd be just as dogged had he noticed. Hilshire... unsure. He's a German, this is an Italian fight. He's here because he's allergic to lead, nothing more.

I wonder what his public business card actually says...
Tourism Promotion Agency, Florence, Italy? Smile

...I see what you were going for here with the note, though part of me wonders what he'd be carrying one of those around with him for. Razz
Uh, for special services? Smile

One of my favorite things about GSG is that it's all grey, and half the time you're not actually certain which side are the "good guys".
Same here. I love how they try to humanize people, even in little ways such as Christiano admonishing his mook for desecrating the museum by using a cell phone there.

A Christmas Errand

I assume then you're from the "cyborgs grow" school of thought? Yet another great fandom debate. Razz
It could be the fact that Triela finally gets to choose her own clothes later on in the manga, but she seems much more ... curvy over time.

Either that, or I'm spending too much time staring at cyborgs.

See Jean berrating(ish) Rico for mixing up what he wanted, compared to Hilshire and Triela here.
There's another dichotomy. Jean can bloody Rico's face (and has), yet she'll still smile. Hilshire causes Triela to scowl just with his droning lecture alone.

You're getting a lesson whether you want it or not" Razz Though I get the impression this is in part a way in which to break Triela out of her frump.
My take on the Hilshire/Triela relationship is that he truly loves her, but no frickin' idea what is the proper way to show it. (No Sandro/Petra jokes, please.) He somewhat projects Rachelle onto Triela, and he also seems to think of himself as her father-figure. I see his professorial stance as him trying to do the least damage to his own self-image as an honourable protector of the innocent.

So neutral... but not that neutral.
As you pointed out in a prior comment, I'm sure someone on the other side was also snapping pics of Hilshire and his charge.

probably difficult to work into a larger arc, but important none the less.
Yes, very difficult methinks. Triumph has Raballo still alive and limping, so it's firmly in the full-bleed-black-background flashback sequence in Chapter 6 of the manga. Christmas Errand takes place between the Triela/Pinnochio dustups, so that's much later. The Gifts takes place any time before Bruno is captured. I think they work best as stand-alones, really.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Fri 28 Dec 2012 - 6:19

taerkitty wrote:
So while in general, and the SWA as an organisation in particular, give quite a lot of leaniency and look away, if a handler is going particularly far then as a group the other handlers will step in to suggest they back off...
But who will step in and tell Jean to stop slugging Rico? Smile Jean not only treats Rico like a tool for his vengeance, he also performed 'percussive maintenance' on her at least once in the canon.
Who knows, a doctor, Lorenzo? To be honest though, I don't consider Jean's actions to be "overboard" in this context... by "overboard" I mean way overboard, in a manner likely to effect the functionality of the fratello or the SWA.

taerkitty wrote:I'm envisioning Sections One and Two both occupying that compound. There was that one scene where Triela shows up in Section One (and gets called a 'princess'), so they can't be too far apart, otherwise someone would have had to deliver her from the dorm to Section One offices, no?
Fully agreed.


Dina CH02

Whether by intent or no I see she's laying on the adorable with a trowel. Razz
Apologies.
I didn't mean it as a bad thing... it was just interesting to watch.

One failing I always had was "jumping to the good stuff", so this time I'm trying my best to let it build up to "the good stuff" without letting it lag.
Know that feeling all to well. I think a lot of writing is just linking up the bits you really want to write... at least you're doing a fine job of keeping the inbetween interesting and readable as well.


Dina CH03

Christ girl, Bianchi's going to cuff you upside the ear if he finds you've been talking to the cyborg about her former life...
Oddly enough, Rico remembers her background. Besides, Priscilla didn't tell Dina it was her former life. It was a friend. Yeah, that's the ticket. It was a friend.
I've always considered Rico to be a bit of an odd case, particularly as she has absolutely no happy memories of her former life. As to Priscilla; I was more thinking down the lines of her mentioning names, places or events which may spark some memory in Dina. She doesn't need to flat out say "this was you", but I imagine Bianchi's concern would be over any residual rememberings.

makes me wonder what her motivations for helping Paulo onboard were. Shes not really a field agent, does she perhaps, whether conciously or no, intend to use Paulo to hunt them down by proxy?
I hadn't considered this, but that looks like it's a great addition to the story. It's definitely in the running for her motivation.
Happy to be of service *bows*.

"What does the conditioning drug actually do"... now there's a recurring fandom argument...
As far as I see it:

- it's addictive
- it messes with your memory
- it *might* be what's killing them in five years' time
- it's needed for surgery
- it's addictive
Personally I'd add "smooths the human/machine interface" (and everything that goes with that) and "keeps them compliant/supresses emotion"... though, as I said: it's such a vague area that it's all pretty open to interpretation.


Dina CH04

That said, while I can see her "miscalibrating" the polygraph, entraping someone through a lie seems particularly dark for little miss sunshine there. Then again; everyone gets desperate sometimes.
Too dark?
Not really...

===

The Gifts
I wonder what his public business card actually says...
Tourism Promotion Agency, Florence, Italy? Smile
Haha, probably.


A Christmas Errand

I assume then you're from the "cyborgs grow" school of thought? Yet another great fandom debate. Razz
It could be the fact that Triela finally gets to choose her own clothes later on in the manga, but she seems much more ... curvy over time.

Either that, or I'm spending too much time staring at cyborgs.
Honestly I always put the girls' physical changes through the manga down to Yu's own art style changing. Unlike say Marvel or DC, Manga tends to be a more individual thing created by one author with creative control and maybe an assistant or two. There's no set "How to Draw the Marvel Way" style guide, so they're free to change. Yu's style is certainly not consistent and if there's one thing doing the fancomic taught me it's that, unless you make a particularly concerted effort, your style changes over time. Often that's for the better too (I at least hope my gradual change was), so why would you hold it static? Go with the flow.

You're getting a lesson whether you want it or not" Razz Though I get the impression this is in part a way in which to break Triela out of her frump.
My take on the Hilshire/Triela relationship is that he truly loves her, but no frickin' idea what is the proper way to show it. (No Sandro/Petra jokes, please.) He somewhat projects Rachelle onto Triela, and he also seems to think of himself as her father-figure. I see his professorial stance as him trying to do the least damage to his own self-image as an honourable protector of the innocent.
I actually think that's a resonably fair assessment. Of the Canon fratelli I think their relationship is certainly the most complex.

Triumph has Raballo still alive and limping.
My turn to laugh out loud now!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Kiskaloo on Fri 28 Dec 2012 - 12:11

I just read the Dina chapters. Good stuff. I'll be sure to read the "prequels", as well.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What? I like donuts! - Betty Suarez
If I die before my time, go on Oprah and tell the world 'I liked kittens'. - Veronica Mars
Scissors of victory! - Yui Hirasawa
avatar
Kiskaloo
A Cat of Many Talents

Male

Forum Posts : 10894

Location : Seattle / Tokyo / Milan

Fan of : Angelica's Smile

Original Characters : Kara Michelle

Comments : The community's international man of mystery.

Registration date : 2008-09-11

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Fri 4 Jan 2013 - 19:33

One odd thought about conditioning, seeing as it came up in this thread above.

Jean chides Jose (and Raballo, after the firing range incident) to use more conditioning drugs on their cyborgs , so a case can be made for Jean using what he feels to be the 'recommended dose' on Rico.

But Rico is the most happy and expressive of them all. Could this be the effect of the 'recommended dose'?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Odon on Fri 4 Jan 2013 - 21:07

taerkitty wrote:One odd thought about conditioning, seeing as it came up in this thread above.

Jean chides Jose (and Raballo, after the firing range incident) to use more conditioning drugs on their cyborgs , so a case can be made for Jean using what he feels to be the 'recommended dose' on Rico.

But Rico is the most happy and expressive of them all. Could this be the effect of the 'recommended dose'?

Of course. Have you seen those eyes? Definitely stoned.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"I had a dream. We were together in my dream. We were brother and sister, father and mother, wife and husband. And both of us were both."
-- The Princess and the Warrior

Odon

Male

Forum Posts : 463

Location : Brisbane, Australia

Registration date : 2010-12-14

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by tremec6speed on Sat 5 Jan 2013 - 10:25

That would make sense. The C Drugs make them not only experience a kind of puppy love, but also a general feeling of elation that can be brought down in a hurry if the cyborg feels he/she has let the handler down.
avatar
tremec6speed

Male

Forum Posts : 1968

Fan of : Lauro and Olga!

Original Characters : Vinson/Helen/Salvatore + Gunther/Ayden. Baddies are a small group of 'techno-anarchists'

Comments : I hope to include a short illustrated fanfic story of both Mr. Yutaka Aida's characters as well as some I've come up with.

Registration date : 2009-08-25

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Officer_Charon on Sat 5 Jan 2013 - 14:50

Probably not too hard to believe that there's some sort of variant of phenobarbital in there, somewhere... specially tuned during the hypnosis process to make them more receptive to commands from the handlers, with the consequences "installed" into their subconscious'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Si vis pacem, para bellum

"The two loudest sounds you will ever hear from your weapon are the *bang* when it's supposed to go *click* and the *click* when it's supposed to go *bang*." -Unknown

"220 horses, I got a gun, a siren, a tank full of city gas. Don't you love it?!" - Ofc. Maurice "Bosco" Boscarelli, Third Watch
avatar
Officer_Charon

Male

Forum Posts : 1470

Location : Savannah, GA

Fan of : Triela, Claes

Original Characters : John Darme.

Registration date : 2010-09-16
Your character
OC genger: 40

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 5 Jan 2013 - 14:57

@odon - Yep, she's definitely on the good stuff.

@tremec6speed - But Rico was happy even when Jean punched her in Volume 1. If she was going to emo-crash, that'd be the time.

@OC - Fortunately, my fic doesn't have anything that goes into the neuro-chem reactions of the C-drug, but I'll ask you for what you know if it does.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Odon on Sat 5 Jan 2013 - 19:11

It's not just the conditioning though. The personality of each cyborg comes from three factors: The level of conditioning, their past memories (conscious or unconscious) and their interaction with their handler.

Rico is so perky because unlike the other girls she remembers her past where she was totally bedridden. The Agency has changed all that with her wonderful new body. She can now go out into the world and see and do all kinds of amazing things. Everything is a delightful new experience (even being clipped over the ear by her handler).

The heavy conditioning makes Rico obedient to Jean and detached from what she's doing (e.g. the famous scene where she shoots the bellhop). She doesn't share (lightly conditioned) Triela's belief that she's a warrior meant to fight evil - it's just a job to Rico, something she needs to do to make Jean happy so she can continue to use her mechanical body. And Jean's attitude helps too - he's cold, but as long as Rico does what she's told he doesn't interfere with her having fun. This is in contrast to Lauro who preferred Elsa to act like a machine because that's how he saw her, while Elsa's heavy conditioning made her obsessed with her handler. Perhaps if Rico became convinced Jean was going to take away her body and put her back in the hospital she might turn violent, but not otherwise.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"I had a dream. We were together in my dream. We were brother and sister, father and mother, wife and husband. And both of us were both."
-- The Princess and the Warrior

Odon

Male

Forum Posts : 463

Location : Brisbane, Australia

Registration date : 2010-12-14

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Thescarredman on Sun 6 Jan 2013 - 0:00

taerkitty wrote:One odd thought about conditioning, seeing as it came up in this thread above.

Jean chides Jose (and Raballo, after the firing range incident) to use more conditioning drugs on their cyborgs , so a case can be made for Jean using what he feels to be the 'recommended dose' on Rico.

But Rico is the most happy and expressive of them all. Could this be the effect of the 'recommended dose'?

It wouldn't be Jean's first case of 'Do as I say, not as I do'. Personally, I think Rico is very lightly conditioned, and ensures that Jean doesn't pump an excess of brain-burning drugs into her by being as obedient and eager-to please as a dog around him. (let's not forget that, in canon, only two cyborgs are ever shown lying to their handlers: Triela and Rico.) She certainly doesn't show any symptoms of heavy conditioning: crushed affect, memory glitches, insecurity when separated from her weapons. And she really likes Jean, God help her.
avatar
Thescarredman

Male

Forum Posts : 1848

Location : Toledo, Ohio, United States

Fan of : Rico, Bice

Original Characters : Kristal & Verotrois / Doc; Angel / Jack Keaton; Tiffany/Stefan

Comments : .
Mario Bossi would make a better handler than Marco Toni. Come to think of it, so would Christiano.
.
Elizaveta didn't jump - she was pushed.
.
Sofia was pregnant. It would have been a boy.

Registration date : 2012-02-04
Your character
OC genger: 40

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by tremec6speed on Sun 6 Jan 2013 - 0:46

Actually I think Rico remained happy after the smack because she believed her handler was giving her the proper treatment after she did wrong so the smack put things right so to speak. Like Triela said: '.... a lot depends on the handler as well...' (or something to that effect) If Jean can make her feel that it's for her own good, she might not feel all that bad but I would not be surprised if Rico felt down if she thought she did messed up in such a way that a smack cannot put things right me thinks. Hmm...
avatar
tremec6speed

Male

Forum Posts : 1968

Fan of : Lauro and Olga!

Original Characters : Vinson/Helen/Salvatore + Gunther/Ayden. Baddies are a small group of 'techno-anarchists'

Comments : I hope to include a short illustrated fanfic story of both Mr. Yutaka Aida's characters as well as some I've come up with.

Registration date : 2009-08-25

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 12 Jan 2013 - 4:38

Here's one that stemmed from John_234's Rehabilitation Branch. I created these characters for that RP, but decided not to join it at the last minute. However, I had already written this as a character study for the dynamic between the two members of the fratello, so it seemed a shame to let it go to waste. I repurposed it for SWA instead of RB and posted it as OC fanfic.



Gunslinger Girl Side Story: A Second Chance
What happens when a second-generation SWA cyborg is reassigned to a new handler? OC handler Stefan and cyborg Tiffy. AU branching before attack at St. Mark's Tower.

This one will be updated as plot ideas come to mind. As mentioned above, it's a character study, so the pacing and feel might be markedly different from the canon.


Last edited by taerkitty on Mon 28 Jan 2013 - 0:47; edited 2 times in total

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sun 13 Jan 2013 - 7:53

Well, you already know some of my thoughts on this, but some less in the vein of proof-reading to come when I get a moment. Nicely done as always though.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Mon 28 Jan 2013 - 0:45

A Second Chances' second chapter is posted.

Note: A Second Chance isn't my first love, A Triumph of the Heart is. As such, Second Chance is more the standard serial fiction - each chapter is a stand-alone unit, instead of Triumph's "five chapters to a story" temp.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Mon 28 Jan 2013 - 4:04

Ok, so: Second Chances...

He placed it in her hand. In one fluid motion, she thumbed the
release and let the magazine fall free. Just as it cleared the handle,
her other hand slammed the other magazine home. Continuing the sweeping
movement, her left hand locked onto the center of the concentric rings
pinned to the plywood stand downrange.BangBangBangBang.
BangBangBangBang.
BangBangBangBang.
BangBangBangBang.
"That's how you do it, Stefan."
Nice, Tiffy's not really shown him anything here, just vented her own frustration... I get the impression she's not really a patient person, or overly self controlled one? Or is it just that she's bottling so much about Corrado up that any little thing is causing her to overflow...



She whirled about. "Whoever it is, they'll be better than you!
Goddamn it, it wasn't my fake arm that put those rounds on target like
that. You know what it was?"
"I know, it was Corrado."
Yep, he's heard this all before....


As she drove off, she thought her artificial ears picked up him whispering, "Steady pull, steady pull."
One for the "cyborgs drive" school then?


She pulled up where they parked earlier. Sure enough, he was still
practicing. The wastepaper drum was filled with empty fifty-round boxes.
"Hey! Idiot! You're going to catch a cold!"
Trying to work out if this is an actual softening, or part of her conditioned response to protect... or a little of both.


You already know a fair few of my Chapter01 thoughts, though those were more looking for technicalities than impressions. Anyway, onto Chapter02 (spoiler'd for recent chapter):
Spoiler:
As one drew closer, those most worn had inscribed a string of letters and numbers.
I'll be interested to know why the newer ones lack the serial numbers... was it a change of policy? Or are they only inscribed once all the loose ends can be tidied up and displaying them isn't going to come back and bite someone in the hind-quarters?


Another pause, another reply only she could hear.
I wonder what words she's listening to... and if the shrinks know about it.


Of all the people, at least it's her. Thank God for that. "Oh! Hi there, Chi." Tiffy faked a smile and turned. "I was just … well, this is Corrado's plaque you know."
Huh... so she can be civil.


That set Chi to thinking. "You know, that really doesn't make any
sense. I'm much more like him than you are, so you'd think they'd pair
us up."
"Well, you were already paired up with Renzo by the time he became our problem."
I'll admit part of me finds it odd that Chi would even consider being paired up with someone else while her own handler was still breathing. Part of me can't help but think that the conditioning files that under "impossiblity" or "won't happen to me".
I wonder if Chi had known Corrado better if she would have considered him caring toward Tiffy? Or has she mostly recieved the story of him from Tiffy with said girl's perspective thrown in?



The Agency took all this effort because the Mamiya's viewfinder was on
top of the body, allowing Tiffany to nonchalantly look down into the bag
and trigger the shot.
More a technical thing than any; but if shooting like this is anything like shooting street photography then you probably wouldn't even bother looking at the viewfinder... just line it up once and snap away; it's one less action for people to pick up on. Though I do like the use of the old camera.


The other girl looked about her age, lean and gaunt, but not in the way
that resulted in physical training. She looked undernourished, sickly.
There's two sorts of skinny: skinny like you're built that way and skinny from starvation (self-inflicted or otherwise), this sounds like the latter.


"You must have the wrong person. I'm sorry, Carla. I'm Adrianna Paluzzi, and I'm waiting—"
Sounds quite robotic, like she's reciting something she learned by wrote; which makes sense. Tiffy and Corrado strike me more as a "get out and do shit" fratello rather than an intelligence gathering one.


I was on YouTube? "Okay, you're right. I'm sorry for trying to
pretend I didn't know you, Claire. It's just that … I've been doing
some pretty, well, complicated stuff."
Claire looked relieved.
"Oh, I was so scared, Simona! It was just for one second, and it was so
crowded, I wasn't sure it was you. I tracked you online all this way,
and if you weren't Simona," she swallowed. "Well, if you weren't, I
didn't know what I'd do!"
Whups... that one backfired. For a second I thought her response was a sarcastic "Yeah of course I'm your long-lost friend"... maybe I'm too used to writing Monty Razz


Lili from Daddy.
I'll be interested to see if these two turn up again.


What the hell? Was I that weak before I met Corrado?
I take it that her time with Corrado has taught her to value physical toughness rather than mental/emotional toughness... might be why she doesn't get on with her new handler so well?


"It wasn't my idea. Some stupid computer analyst did. It's a fucking waste of time, if you ask me."
Could it be...


"Down, but not out." Tiffany said to the prone, gasping form.
Curious to know if this was purposeful wording on Corrado's part, or Tiffy's interpretation...


Another excellent chapter mate, we're starting to see where Tiffy gets it from.
Oddly enough, I've actually got a rough outline for a "someone I used to know" story for J+M, so its been interesting to see how you handled it as well.


Looking forward to the next one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Wed 30 Jan 2013 - 2:35

Okay, uploaded Training, where we follow Paolo and Dina (and Priscilla and Raballo) as the new fratello learns to become one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Wed 30 Jan 2013 - 6:44

taerkitty wrote:Okay, uploaded Training, where we follow Paolo and Dina (and Priscilla and Raballo) as the new fratello learns to become one.
Well written mate, as always. More thoughts per usual to follow once I'm back to internet which moves at civilised speeds with some free time.

Spoiler:
Honestly, after what was discussed in chatbox, not quite as disturbing as I was expecting. I don't know if I'm just getting jaded or if its because I was reading it on a hot summer's evening whilst sitting outside a beachfront fish and chip shop whilst waiting for my order to be cooked (which was excellent by the way)... and it's very difficult to feel disturbed by anything in that situation.

Either way, though I don't think the torture process is something which quite fits into my own fan-universe version of the SWA, it was interesting to see how Dina's past effected her responses, and I'm glad you wrote it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 30 Jan 2013 - 12:49

taerkitty wrote:Okay, uploaded Training, where we follow Paolo and Dina (and Priscilla and Raballo) as the new fratello learns to become one.



Like Alfisti, not a fan of the idea of the girls having to be trained to resist pain and such, but then perhaps by the time of the Second Generation they'd been able to program that in to them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What? I like donuts! - Betty Suarez
If I die before my time, go on Oprah and tell the world 'I liked kittens'. - Veronica Mars
Scissors of victory! - Yui Hirasawa
avatar
Kiskaloo
A Cat of Many Talents

Male

Forum Posts : 10894

Location : Seattle / Tokyo / Milan

Fan of : Angelica's Smile

Original Characters : Kara Michelle

Comments : The community's international man of mystery.

Registration date : 2008-09-11

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Mon 4 Feb 2013 - 22:20

Oh, I'm not demanding this be written into the fanon. This is just my take on the SWA, and it's a pretty dark one. Jean is my love-to-hate guy. After all, he killed Dina's mom!

For me the torture serves three pseudo-scientific-BS purposes. Henrietta in Volume 1 of the canon said that being shot hurt for a little, then stopped, so I'm positing a heightened endorphin secretion that's subconsciously triggered. How do you learn that? By hurting them until it triggers. The ice water torture seemed the least physically damaging.

Seeing as we're mucking about with the endocrine system, why not boost the adrenal glands? That way, Henrietta can do the Jackie Chan Hop to chase down her camera. Okay, but how to control it? More torture, this time for fear response.

Thirdly, Paolo especially has a hard time thinking of Dina as a weapon. How can he commit her to battle like that? Well, the Agency should have a way to harden the handler's heart, so making him watch and participate in it should do the trick.

Of course, there's the literary trick of not letting the person in distress cry, and have someone else cry by proxy. There's something spooky and tragic about having a girl so desperate for her handler's approval that she can even squelch a primal fear response (waterboarding).

Now the ending is utterly romanticized. In a real 'program' like this, they'd not allow someone to break the protocol. It was something developed to 'help' the fratello, and any changes need to be carefully studied and tested before someone can do something like this.

However I wanted to show that Paolo had truly bonded with Dina, and this seemed the best way.

I'm also proud of the epilogue, of how earnest and happy Dina is to share her dream with Priss. She knows, and we know, that it will never come to pass, but there's no way you can tell a little girl she's going to die in under fiver years, not when she's pouring her heart out to you like that.

Yeah, I love breaking Priscilla's heart like that. Smile

===

As an aside, I posted another two
chapters about the Italian Stefan/Tiffany fratello (as opposed to the RB one which is fair game for anyone to use.) It was originally supposed to be one, but the chapter breaks
lent themselves to splitting it into two.

A Second Chance Chapter 3: A Walk in the Park
A Second Chance Chapter 4: As I Lay Me Down to Sleep

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
avatar
taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Tue 5 Feb 2013 - 4:11

taerkitty wrote:Oh, I'm not demanding this be written into the fanon.
Heh, I wasn't suggesting you were... but I do find it fun and interesting noting the differences in takes on the SWA.


taerkitty wrote:Thirdly, Paolo especially has a hard time thinking of Dina as a weapon. How can he commit her to battle like that? Well, the Agency should have a way to harden the handler's heart, so making him watch and participate in it should do the trick.
Which makes me wonder if they have all handlers participate. Afterall; not every handler comes in with a soft heart for the girls... though I guess a cold handler wouldn't mind and could simply be an asset; maybe free up the second "torturer" for other duties by doing it themselves...


taerkitty wrote:As an aside, I posted another two chapters about the Italian Stefan/Tiffany fratello.
Is your high output clogging up my backlog some sort of payback for writing 20k word chapters? Razz

Anyway, added to my "things to read and review" list.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
avatar
Alfisti

Male

Forum Posts : 5748

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

Original Characters : Jethro + Monty

Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

Registration date : 2009-07-21

Back to top Go down

Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 1 of 4 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum