Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Thu 4 Dec 2014 - 6:42

Hmm... something tells me Lauro perhaps is not quite so certain about his words as he would like to be...

...and it seems Dina's own "purpose" , even if it may not be what she originally thought it was.

Great couple of chapters mate, more thoughts to come.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Thu 4 Dec 2014 - 9:30

In re-reading the newer chapters (because I read the old ones many times to try to get out of my rut), one line from the epilogue stood out:

"This was her first time."

Most commonly, this would indicate something else, something more suited for the dreaded Smut Locker.  However,barring hideous abuse like was suffered by Triela and Henrietta, that meaning doesn't apply to the cyborgs.

What remains is still some rite of passage, just a darker one.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Fri 5 Dec 2014 - 7:52

Ok, so... further thoughts

Chapter04
taerkitty wrote:"Well, it's only a matter of time before Dina gets hurt, I figure. I wanted to know what to expect."

"No, you asked about what happens if a handler gets shot..."
Almost managed to change the subject... I wonder if it was a concious attempt on grounds of not wanting to elaborate? Or more a shying away from an unpleasant topic.


taerkitty wrote:She did what she was supposed to do. Nothing more, nothing less.
Neat bit of foreshadowing regarding a cyborg's "purpose".


taerkitty wrote:You can think I'm a jerk for acting this way. Go ahead. Most of the others do. But, this is the right way to think of them. Tools. Any other way, and you're going to get hurt. Badly. Believe it.
Sounds like the words of someone who already has been... or someone trying to convince themselves more than the other party.

I actually really enjoyed this section with Lauro, it was quite... humanising(?) for him. Distancing himself to avoid getting hurt, and then drinking himself stupid to escape the different type of hurt inflicted by that. Some of the more subtle nuances of that were good as well: I note Lauro never refers to Elsa by name, for example. Very well done.


taerkitty wrote:"...Then again, we're not very popular up North."

"They know about us?"

"No, they just don't like people from the South who work for state security. Normally, we don't share that, but Lauro showed them his credentials, and … well, I guess someone heard about it."
Sounds like Lauro's either not very good at security, or has stopped caring...

I know you don't do a lot of world building, and your world runs pretty close to the canon one, but it's a good comment to remind readers of what's going on, as well as offer some explanation as to why Lauro might have been targeted this early in the conflict, ie. before the rumour of cyborgs had got around far enough to be taken seriously by the Padania.


taerkitty wrote:Paolo sighed. "No. I just got a call from my doctor. One of my numbers is moving the wrong way."
While I imagine Paulo's medical issues are on his file, I believe that makes Priss the first person he has told about them on a more personal level... Raballo excepted of course.


Chapter05
taerkitty wrote:Claes looked up at the scowling man, her eyes wide. "Please, sir. All the other stores are closed, and my sister really needs to use the bathroom."

As they rehearsed, Dina whimpered, "I can't hold it. I… I… I might-"
Not certain if "sisters" is the best cover story for these two, they're physically quite different. Then again, I guess they're not in a situation where it needs to hold up for more than a minute or so, and this is still a much less sophisticated and less aware Padania, with less experience facing the SWA, than they were facing later in the canon.


taerkitty wrote:Paolo walked through the kitchen door, a briefcase under his right arm holding a matching Beretta 90two, and dragging the slight body of the man who ran out of the killing zone with his other. "Look what the cat… Dina, what's the matter?"
This is a nice, albeit brief, change of pace for Paulo: gone is the less sure, inwards looking, worried man on campus. This Paulo is calm, almost casual... this is what he does... at least until presented with a distressed cyborg. Good action sequence too: short, sweet, to the point, though...

taerkitty wrote:Heart and lung shot, Claes thought. Pretty good. As she did, she methodically swept across the other four, each pull of her trigger loosing three rounds into each assailant. That last one was almost able to get a shot off at me. I need to be faster.
...to be honest, for me at least, this switch to Claes' internal thoughts broke the beat of it a bit for me. It's not really at a natural lull-point for the scene, though the battle itself is so short as to not really have an interim lull. I would perhaps have dropped the last bit of self-assessment to happen later, if at all, or possibly drop the "her mulling" from the paragraph after, to run it with more focus back on the action. Perhaps even just have "a sudden movement interrupted her mulling", something to flag the jump from internal to external focus.

This turning into thinking out (metaphorically) loud. I think I see what you were going for, the fight needs a beat before the last enemy makes his run but... I dunno... that beat feels just a little long or a little loud right now, to me at least.


taerkitty wrote:"You said that killing someone would change me, Signore Paolo. I don't feel any different." Tears quickened their flow as shivers racked her body. "Why? Why don't I feel different? What's wrong with me?"
Small child literalness... with extra literal, because cyborg.


taerkitty wrote:His attempts to ply her with cheer and sweets both failed. She mostly ignored the gelato, mumbling monotone replies at the melting pile as the two cookies slowly tipped...
The two cones? Perhaps? Or is this a comment on flavour?


taerkitty wrote:Dina eased herself atop him. "Because I did what I was supposed to ... to do, Signore Pao..."

"Dina!" Her jacket was dark with blood.

"It's.. it's all right, Signore Paolo. It doesn't ... hurt."
And Dina effectively echoing Lauro's comment from the previous chapter. Great way to end it.

Come to think of it, the girls' are told that their purpose is to kill but, from memory, their actual programming is more along the lines of "serve the SWA, protect your handler". Hmm...


taerkitty wrote:"To help her, dammit. I told her killing someone changes you, and she took it literally."

"Mannaggia, you're an idiot! Of course she took it literally. You're … you're like a god to her. Her heart and soul belongs to you!"
From memory, and I could be wrong, but the original comment was made quite early in Paulo's SWA tenure... something tells me Priss is mostly running on emotion here, and perhaps less interesting in explaining than she is in venting. Part of me can't help but wonder if Priss would be this worked up had it been any other cyborg, the impression is still that she very much considers Dina to be hers; something that Paulo just gets to borrow.


taerkitty wrote:...you had to go ahead and tell her that she'd… What, that she would grow wings?
No Priscilla, that's Red Bull.  Incoming! 



taerkitty wrote:"Please ... Momma, Pappy ... please stop fighting. Please..."
Again, working from memory, but I think this is the first time you've had Dina actually articulate, albeit from a comatose state, her wish to be part of a family.

I note you stopped short this time of showing us Priss cry though.



As I said before mate, great couple of chapter. This feels a lot more together than the last instalment and, frankly, quite a lot of your previous writing. It's always been good, but this just felt more polished: the conversation and story flow well, the characters seem more nuanced and feel more solid, there's a bit more subtlety to actions. In case you hadn't guessed, I'm struggling to find things to criticise, though I hope some of it was useful all the same. Looking forward to the next one.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Fri 16 Jan 2015 - 2:13

Thescarredman planted a mindworm in me today in chat. This is what resulted.

(Short Story)You Don't Want to Know


Summary: "Listen, Angelica. I've learned through painful experience that, when someone says, 'You don't need to know,' they're doing you a favor. Most of the time, it's stuff you don't want to know. All right?"

Category: Mystery/Tragedy

Characters: Marco, Angelica, Dr. Bianchi, Director Lorenzo

3 hours, start to finish (sorry, Alfisti!), 3k words.  Oh, and I haven't slept for 42 hours, which is why I'm so manic.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by crazyidiot78 on Fri 16 Jan 2015 - 5:42

Wow, Taer, just wow.  In three short chapters you told an amazing story, with unique insight into the beginnings of the SWA.  The idea of a prototype before Angelica to test the drugs is unique, let alone how they acquired the test subject.  I was surprised and enjoyed that Fiona was one of the doctors students.  Also telling the story through Angelica, who is longing for a friend, made it all the more touching in a way.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Fri 16 Jan 2015 - 12:16

Thanks!  It's not canonical by any means, or even fanonical.  For example, I don't plan to use it in the Dina timeline. It was just a one-off idea about Tea that Kisk, TSM, and I kicked around.  The way this story's timeline has it, they tried to improve human mental capacity for use in an intelligence/counter-terrorism role, but it turned out otherwise.  At some point later, they recognized its anti-rejection qualities, and that lead to the metal murder midgets (I love OC's nickname for them) we all know and adore.  It made more sense to me than a Big Bang discovery that this drug could brainwash, and suppress cybernetic rejection, all at the same time.

Angelica was a good choice because I have more room for error in pre-canon era.  TSM is an excellent continuity editor, and I didn't want to unknowingly write inconsistencies.  I wanted to do his (and Kisk's) idea justice.  Using Angelica as an 'anchor character' gave us a perspective from which to watch the story unfold, and playing on her uniqueness and loneliness at the birth of the program gave her reason to enter the story's flow.  Otherwise, it would be a very simple story: 

Lorenzo: Fuggedabudit.

Angelica: Okay.

Smile

Finally, and as always, thanks for reading!

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Thescarredman on Fri 16 Jan 2015 - 19:24

I love hearing about stories that force the writer to chase them with his pen. It was a good fic, Kitty. But my contribution to it was no more than a little spark: "Who exactly is Tea, anyway?" You brought the tinder, kindling, and firewood; you blew on it and made it blaze up. I watched the idea running away with you in chat, and it filled me with wonder. I'm glad you didn't let it fade away.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by PSVT on Fri 16 Jan 2015 - 20:00

My goodness was that one amazing story, Taer! Added thanks to TSM for providing the spark that led to it's creation.

Even if it isn't a canonical or fanonical insight into Tea's orgin, it's definitely a compelling one and very tragic indeed for the poor young woman. And I definitely like how you paced the discovery of the truth in terms of generating expectations within the reader. If I didn't know your writing well enough, the idea that Fiona maybe was a relative of Lorenzo, who maybe was born with a mental disorder, and possibly was given a job serving tea at the agency because she couldn't do much else would have served as a good enough (albeit very sad) explanation for how Tea became the way she is. The idea that she was actually a university student and that she volunteered to be tested for this drug that ultimately ruined her because she admired (and that's probably putting it lightly) Dr. Belisario makes it all the more tragic. Yet, at the same time, it's probably a better ending as it does provide the larger emotional punch. Double that with your decision to present the story through an early Angelica's viewpoint, with our knowledge of what ultimately would happen to her due to the same conditioning medication.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sun 25 Jan 2015 - 8:15

Fantastic story mate, and one that really works well with your more minimalist style (and I'll forgive the thousand words an hour, no edits ;P ). It's always fun to see the early Agency and non-burnt-out Marco as well.

It's a great explanation for Tea/Fiona's presence too. I know I've written her as a steward but, to be honest, have never really managed to find a satisfactory reason for her presence there.

Anyway, more/proper thoughts to come at a later date but, for now, excellent stuff.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sun 25 Jan 2015 - 20:31

Two thoughts - 

1. I'm not trying to rename the character.  In fact, it could simply be that the Director orders her to not share her name with anyone, and declines to tell anyone the name, so they just start calling her, 'Tea,' rather than, 'the gril who was serving tea in the Director's office.'

2. This is a canon character, albeit an overlooked one. As such, I don't 'own' her.  If anyone wants to use this as her background, feel free.  If anyone wants to use a different background (such as 'she's the director's personal cyborg,') also feel free.

This canon's plenty big.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Tue 10 Mar 2015 - 23:37

It's been half a year.  Long enough for Dina to enjoy her happiness, don't you think?

Chapter 5:

Paolo nearly ran into Geraldo as they both burst through their respective doors.
 
“Is she safe?”  Geraldo had his pistol in hand.
 
“I don’t know if Cecilia is safe.  Why do you think I’m out here!?!”  Paolo slammed the door behind him as emphasis.
 
“No, you idiot.  Gessica Lago!  Is she safe?!”
 
Paolo halted.  “Yes, of course.  The scream came from out here, not in there!”
 
“Oh, good.”  Geraldo slid his pistol under his jacket.  He turned back to the door labeled 4G.
 
“Wait...”  Paolo’s face distorted in confusion.  “It sounded like Signora Lago.  Aren't you going to—“
 
“We’re here to protect Signorina Lago.  Now, shouldn't you be as well?”
 
“What?  No!  What if her mother is – oh, never mind.  Give me your gun!”
 
“Are you crazy? Why?”
 
“Because I can't bring mine, remember?!  I need to see if Signora Lago is all right, even if you’re not going to do it!”  He started down the hallway.
 
"You're leaving the apartment?  What about Gessica Lago?"
 
"She'll be all right.  Dina's guarding her."
 
"That little girl?!"
 
Paolo stopped and pivoted to face the larger man.  "Yes, she can-- Hey!  Don't go in there if you want to keep breathing!  Dina's a lot more capable than she looks!"
 
Geraldo froze his hand on the Lago's doorknob.  "I was just checking that it was locked, that's all."
 
"Good."  Paolo descended the first flight of stairs.
 
Geraldo drew his pistol while his other hand dug for the keys.  "Idiot."
 
Ξ§§§Ξ
 
"Get in the bathroom, Gessica!"
 
"What?"
 
"Bathroom.  Now!"  Dina broke the latch as she launched through the bedroom door.
 
Her bag was where she left it.  She slid on the floor next to it in the small room.  Her left leg was bent, the far wall against her shoe. 
 
Just before she pushed off, she saw the abandoned dolls. Dina stuffed Alessia and Little Maria into her school satchel in a matter of seconds, then blew past the still-open door.
 
The front door rattled.
 
She drew her Gerber Guardian MK II from its hidden sheath hidden in the bottom of her school satchel.  A pistol would have been better, but at least she had the black-coated blade, nearly 30 cm in length from point to pommel.
 
Still facing the door, Dina side-stepped beside the bathroom.  She tested the door.
 
It opened.
 
Gessica squeaked.
 
"It's all right, Gessica.  I'll protect you.  Lock the door."
 
"Uh--uh--okay."
 
The door closed, and a second latch rattled into place.
 
The front door opened.
 
The armed person in the doorway was not Paolo.
 
Dina lunged.
 
Ξ§§§Ξ
 
 
Paolo halted at the second floor.  He peered down, but couldn't see the janitor he mentioned to Dina earlier.  From his calf sheath, he drew his Gerber Guardian, a slightly smaller version of Dina’s double-edged combat blade.
 
Dina's handler pursed his lips.  He came up with three ways to descend the stairs, and saw three ways to end up a bloody heap on the ground floor.
 
Cecilia screamed again. 
 
Suddenly, Paolo's eyes brightened, and a grim smile graced his lips. He clamped his teeth on his knife, freeing his hands.  Then he drew his cell phone and ejected the battery.  He pressed a button and snapped it back into the phone.
 
Bless you, Massim.  Bless you!
 
He released the knife back into his hand and resumed smiling as he counted down.  "Signora Lago!  Are you all right?!"
 
Without waiting for an answer, he deliberately banged the banister with his arm and shouted, "Shit!"  Then, he tossed the phone down onto the foyer.  When his countdown hit "One", he clenched his eyes shut.
 
Even separated by distance and structure, the explosion made his ears ring.
 
He started to move.
 
Ξ§§§Ξ
 
Dina shut the door, knelt on one leg and wiped her blade on the dead man's jacket.  He looked familiar, but … she shook her head.  It doesn't matter.  Now, where did his gun go?
 
Just as she spied it halfway under the ratty sofa, an explosion shook the building.
 
Dina stopped mid-step as the bathroom door opened. 
 
Gessica stepped out.  "What was tha--"
 
Whatever her question, her scream pre-empted it.
 
"Gessica!  Get back--"
 
The other girl fled for the bedroom.
 
"…in the bathroom."  Dina shook her head.  With a sigh, she started to relock the door.  Then I'll pick up that Beretta 92.
 
"Dina!  Help!  THEY'RE HERE!"
 
Instantly, Dina raced toward the back room.
 
Ξ§§§Ξ
 
Massimiliano D'Acampo's miniature flashbang grenade built into Paolo's phone battery left a star-like scorch mark on the dingy off-white tile.  As he descended the stairs two-at-a-time, he saw the janitor slumped against the far wall.  Blood seeped onto the man's tan uniform from two wounds in his chest.
 
One black-clad attacker fired in Paolo's direction, his gloved weaker hand still clapped over his eyes. With his balaclava on, he looked like a moving shadow. "Damn you!"  He fired again, wildly.
 
Paolo ducked, seeing that the blinded man was firing chest-height.  He timed his movement with the man's frantic gunshots, letting them cover his footfalls.
 
Just as the Browning High-Power's slide locked back, Paolo jumped to his feet, letting his legs force the 12 cm blade through his target's diaphragm.  The opponent's tactical vest slowed it only slightly.
 
The man's hand fell from his eyes.  They still lacked focus, but were wide in shock.  His gun bounced off Paolo's shoe.
 
Another pistol boomed.  Paolo's victim lurched.  Three times, the other shooter loosed rounds at Paolo and his human shield.
 
Paolo collapsed, letting the body fall over him.  His hand patted for the discarded pistol.
 
"Did I get you?!  Did I?"
 
Paolo looked at the speaker. 
 
He was also wearing black, head to foot.  Like his deceased comrade, he wore a balaclava, black coveralls, hard plastic elbow and knee pads.  His hands were gloved with black leather, and the raised pad over the knuckles told Paolo he was kitted out for trouble. 

The man was blinking, but his eyes were looking at Paolo and the fallen attacker.  They weren't focused, but they didn't scan around.
 
His vision was coming back.
 
Paolo was more worried about the fact he had Cecilia clamped against his body with his other arm.
 
Ξ§§§Ξ
 
Dina kicked in the bedroom door.  Only her diminutive stature saved her from the salvo barely overhead.  Ahead of her, the man looked shocked, then lowered the suppressed Heckler & Koch MP5 at Dina.
 
In that instant, she crouched and slung her book bag off one shoulder.  Dina dropped the knife and grasped the bag in front of her with both hands.
 
The suppressor only muffled the muzzle blasts.  The slamming of the submachine gun's action cycling was mixed with brass raining on the linoleum flooring, and with the banging of lead against the bulletproof ceramic plate in Dina's school bag.
 
The firing stopped.  Dina drew the bag back, and the man shot again.  Her right arm suddenly burned from his spray of fire, but she flung her school satchel at him.
 
He ducked it, but she used his pause to pounce.  Not into him, but over.  As she did, she grabbed the MP5 by the barrel.  Her palm burned against the hot suppressor but she grasped it with all her augmented strength. 
 
She landed with her attacker tangled behind her.
 
He gasped and struggled.
 
She drew the gun tighter, and her other hand found the end of the collapsible stock.
 
In front of her stood a man halfway out the window and onto the fire escape.  He turned to face her.  One hand held a pistol, the other was clamped around Gessica's wrist.
 
"Dina!  Help me!"
 
The man snapped his arm back in the room.
 
And shot Dina in the forehead.
 
Ξ§§§Ξ
 
Paolo slapped his hand on the fallen pistol.  It felt strange, like … the slide was locked back. 
 
It had an empty magazine.
 
The other man blinked some more, and pointed his pistol at Cecilia's temple.
 
"I can see you."
 
That's a bluff.
 
"I'm going to leave now, and you're not going to follow."
 
Paolo's other hand slowly unsheathed the blade from his fallen opponent's chest.  Grabbing the dead man's tactical vest, he stumbled to his feet, keeping the body between him and his foe.  "I can't let you do that."
 
"You don't want her to die, do you?"  He pressed the Browning's muzzle against her temple.
 
Before he could stop himself, Paolo locked eyes with Cecilia.
 
Her eyes held his, strong and certain.  She was calm.
 
Paolo blinked.
 
She nodded, causing the pistol to shift slightly as it kept contact against the side of her head.  Her mouth formed a silent word.  Three.
 
Paolo nodded.
 
The other man took a step back, and Cecilia matched him.  Two. Her gaze dipped and indicated the grimy floor.
 
Paolo tensed behind his meat shield.
 
One.
 
The man took another step back.
 
Cecilia let her legs fold from under her.
 
Her kidnapper swung his pistol at Paolo.
 
Paolo charged with the body as his ram.
 
The man shot.
 
The body shook.
 
Cecilia fell to the ground.
 
Paolo roundhoused his arm around the dead man's head, plunging his dagger into the shooter's temple.
 
All four of them fell to the ground.
 
Ξ§§§Ξ
 
 
Dina's head rocked backwards and stopped against the first attacker's back.  She lowered it and folded herself forward, hands still on the submachine gun.
 
She did so with speed and force, rolling the man tangled in the MP5's shoulder sling over her back.
 
He slammed onto the floor.
 
Dina leapt at the remaining man.  Her foot may have crushed the first man's neck as she jumped.
 
She didn't care.
 
The other man fired one last shot before Dina reached his pistol.
 
She felt her flank ache and burn, but ignored it.  She grabbed the gun and twisted it out of his hand.  Had his finger still been in the guard, she would have broken it.
 
Instead, he already released his grip.  He drew his own knife.  His other hand discarded Gessica into the corner of the room.
 
Dina didn't recognize it, but saw that it was dual-edged, and maybe slightly shorter than her Guardian Mk II.  She also recognized the man's grip as professional, with the blade protruding from the base of his hand, the edge in line with the flat of the fist.
 
The man slashed at her.  He was faster than she imagined.  She barely had time to knock his arms downward…
 
As he ripped open her abdomen.
 
Her wound was deep, and she felt her insides shift.  She pressed left forearm across her belly. It felt wrong. The skin parted and she felt parts of herself wet and slippery.

She took a step back.  
 
Onto the other man's body.
 
She fell on her back.
 
The knife master lunged, his arm a blur.
 
Dina threw right her arm across her chest, blocking his stab into her ribs.
 
However, the knife pierced her forearm.
 
He pressed it downward.
 
With her left hand, Dina slapped his fist, stinging his fingers.  At the same time, she twisted her right forearm.
 
The dagger, still impaling her arm, broke free of his grasp.
 
She kneed him.  It didn't do much damage, but it was forceful enough to lift him off her.
 
Her other foot kicked him so hard his spine broke.
 
Dina kicked him off her.  Clambering to her knees, she still kept one arm over the slash across her belly.   She extended her other hand to a wide-eyed Gessica.  "Come on!  We have to get out of here!"
 
The other girl startled out of her shock.  She gasped at the outstretched arm with the knife still driven across it.  Gessica crossed both arms in front of her and screamed, "No!!!"
 
"It's all right, Gessica.  I'm your friend, remember?"  Dina reached and gently touched her.
 
Gessica screamed louder.  "No!  Don't kill me!  Get away from me!"


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Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Mon 23 Nov 2015 - 16:56

Oh, How Fleeting is Joy Epilogue
The Social Welfare Agency's ersatz ambulance arrived, wailing. Seeing Raballo through the eye lens, Paolo opened the door. He, accompanied by Amadeo and Giordio carrying a folding stretcher, entered the Lago apartment.
"Come in. Come in. Watch out for the body."
Once inside, the three newcomers surveyed the small home.
Cecilia Lago crouched in the corner of the living room, comforting a sobbing, curled ball.
"In the bedroom. That way." Paolo closed and locked the door with one hand as he directed the two soldiers with the other.
Gingerly, he approached mother and daughter. He crouched beside and slightly behind her. "Cecilia? I need to go. This is Captain Raphael. He's a good man. He'll stay with you until the limousine arrives. He will keep you safe. I promise it."
No response.
"Cecilia? Did you hear me?"
"Yes. Leave already." She interrupted her attempts to console her daughter and spat this at Paolo.
"And the Captain?"
"I don't care. I'm busy." She shifted one foot, then the other, until her back was squarely presented to him.
Paolo stood and looked haplessly at his ex-mentor. Out the corner of his eye, he saw the two commandos step over Geraldo's body as they exited with Dina. He was torn between following and staying. Out of old habit, he found himself again looking at the Captain.
Raballo sighed and sat on the well-worn couch. Hhe bent over and reached for something behind his left foot. When the Captain straightened, he held a Beretta M84 between his two fingers.
"Better let me have that. Signora Lago doesn't like having guns in her home. Speaking of which, did you-"
"You think this is still my home?" Her words dripped venom.
"We can arrange-"
"Thank you, but the Nazzari family has found me a place to stay."
Paolo nodded slowly. "Yes, Signora Lago. As I said, I need to go now."
She had already turned back to her daughter, now rocking side to side, sobbing softly.
Ξ§§§Ξ
Paolo caught up with Dina and the two special operators as they descended the stairway. "Do you… do you think…"
Amadeo was closest to him, but facing away while carrying the stretcher. He merely shrugged.
Giordio kept his head turned, his eyes looking behind him as he descended the stairs backwards. "It only looks bad. I've seen worse."
"No you haven't," Amadeo said. "I don't think any of the other girls-"
"No, not here, you fool. In the Navy. Corpsmen there were pretty good. She'll be fine." Giordio looked up the stairs at the other two men and smiled.
Amadeo caught the intention. "True. The doctors at the Agency are some of the best. She's in good hands."
Paolo only saw the blood soaking into the white sheets.
"Signore Paolo? Signore Paolo?"
Yanked from his trance, Paolo could only blink at her.
"It's all right. I don't feel any pain."
He nodded, words still eluding him.
"And... it was worth it."
"Wha... What?"
"I got to play with Gessica."
"But she..." How can I put it?
"I'm glad it happened. Even if it's over. It's like you said, 'No matter how cloudy, the sun is still there.'  I just had to look for it, and I found it."
Paolo nodded in spite of his confusion.
"Now I know what it's like to have a best friend."
Ξ§§§Ξ
They exited the building. Section One agents in police uniforms kept the crowd at a distance. Paolo took one aside, pointed in the direction of his car, and handed over the keys.
The ambulance's rear door was open. Ready hands took the first end of the litter as Giordio climbed on.
Paolo ran and rounded the corner just as the stretcher was taken from Amadeo's hands and lifted all the way into the ambulance.
Amadeo flashed Paolo a smirk and ran for the driver's seat.
Paolo climbed onto the vehicle, then looked inside.
Giordio was exiting the side door. "She's all yours."
The side door slammed shut.
Priscilla looked up at Paolo. "If you don't close the back door, we can't leave."

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Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
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taerKitty

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Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by PSVT on Wed 25 Nov 2015 - 0:57

Really excellent job with the epilogue, Taer. It's a shame and I guess an inevitability of Dina's existence that her relationship with Gessica crumbled so soon. But, she did get to enjoy that fleeting moment of actually having a (human) friend of around her age, someone she could consider a best friend.

Speaking of hope, I think there are two ways to approach this--pessimistically and optimistically. One might say that, since Gessica no longer likes Dina, is mortally afraid of her, and her mother considers Paolo and her persona non grata now, that it represents a loss of hope for any sort of normal relationship for Dina. However, Dina managed to attain that very friendship, if even for barely a day. That's more than any cyborg could ever truly hope to attain. Dina has seen the mountaintop and stood upon it. Everything that happened thereafter is irrelevant. I'm glad she was able to enjoy such a moment, fleeting as it was.

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The perfect might be the enemy of the good. Then again, so is the mediocre.
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PSVT

Male

Forum Posts : 508

Location : Pennsylvania, United States

Fan of : Triela, Claes

Original Characters : Giancarlo Rossi and his cyborgs Valentina R. and Eleonora R.; James Bernard and his cyborg Rachelle

Comments : Working on an actual story now, so please be patient... ^_^;

Registration date : 2014-05-27
Your character
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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 28 Nov 2015 - 20:41

Thanks!

(The rest of the post is better suited to On Writing: http://gunslinger-girl.up-with.com/t3591p400-on-writing#122982)

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Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
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taerKitty

Male

Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sun 29 Nov 2015 - 6:19

Well, there's the downer(ish) ending... normal Taer service has been resumed Incoming!

Nicely done, possibly could have used another editing pass or two, but the intent and feeling is there. I wonder how Dina will feel once/if any post-mission "I succeeded" feelings wear off? (for that matter, can we expect to see more of her?)

I presume this is what you said you were churning out the other day?

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Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Alfisti

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Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

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Comments : If in doubt, overdress.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Mon 5 Jun 2017 - 0:37

Probably (now that a year and a half has passed...)

Anyhow, started an ofic about magical girls as weapons of war: 

https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3307723/1/Supernatural-Warfare-Adepts-a-Military-Magical-Girl-Anthology

Only one chapter up so far, with two more in the queue at time of this writing. I'm trying to change my writing style from fast-fast-fast to include more description and mood, so it's much slower going. I'm also much less sure-footed about this style, so I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Here's a link to the story as it's being written. You can see it doesn't come springing out of my head, fully formed like Athena.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IxvtDub5gC3EOd4HxZYR4dRQjJRobJvY54meUPG86qw/edit?usp=sharing

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Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
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taerKitty

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Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

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