Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 12 Jan 2013 - 4:38

Here's one that stemmed from John_234's Rehabilitation Branch. I created these characters for that RP, but decided not to join it at the last minute. However, I had already written this as a character study for the dynamic between the two members of the fratello, so it seemed a shame to let it go to waste. I repurposed it for SWA instead of RB and posted it as OC fanfic.



Gunslinger Girl Side Story: A Second Chance
What happens when a second-generation SWA cyborg is reassigned to a new handler? OC handler Stefan and cyborg Tiffy. AU branching before attack at St. Mark's Tower.

This one will be updated as plot ideas come to mind. As mentioned above, it's a character study, so the pacing and feel might be markedly different from the canon.


Last edited by taerkitty on Mon 28 Jan 2013 - 0:47; edited 2 times in total

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sun 13 Jan 2013 - 7:53

Well, you already know some of my thoughts on this, but some less in the vein of proof-reading to come when I get a moment. Nicely done as always though.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Mon 28 Jan 2013 - 0:45

A Second Chances' second chapter is posted.

Note: A Second Chance isn't my first love, A Triumph of the Heart is. As such, Second Chance is more the standard serial fiction - each chapter is a stand-alone unit, instead of Triumph's "five chapters to a story" temp.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Mon 28 Jan 2013 - 4:04

Ok, so: Second Chances...

He placed it in her hand. In one fluid motion, she thumbed the
release and let the magazine fall free. Just as it cleared the handle,
her other hand slammed the other magazine home. Continuing the sweeping
movement, her left hand locked onto the center of the concentric rings
pinned to the plywood stand downrange.BangBangBangBang.
BangBangBangBang.
BangBangBangBang.
BangBangBangBang.
"That's how you do it, Stefan."
Nice, Tiffy's not really shown him anything here, just vented her own frustration... I get the impression she's not really a patient person, or overly self controlled one? Or is it just that she's bottling so much about Corrado up that any little thing is causing her to overflow...



She whirled about. "Whoever it is, they'll be better than you!
Goddamn it, it wasn't my fake arm that put those rounds on target like
that. You know what it was?"
"I know, it was Corrado."
Yep, he's heard this all before....


As she drove off, she thought her artificial ears picked up him whispering, "Steady pull, steady pull."
One for the "cyborgs drive" school then?


She pulled up where they parked earlier. Sure enough, he was still
practicing. The wastepaper drum was filled with empty fifty-round boxes.
"Hey! Idiot! You're going to catch a cold!"
Trying to work out if this is an actual softening, or part of her conditioned response to protect... or a little of both.


You already know a fair few of my Chapter01 thoughts, though those were more looking for technicalities than impressions. Anyway, onto Chapter02 (spoiler'd for recent chapter):
Spoiler:
As one drew closer, those most worn had inscribed a string of letters and numbers.
I'll be interested to know why the newer ones lack the serial numbers... was it a change of policy? Or are they only inscribed once all the loose ends can be tidied up and displaying them isn't going to come back and bite someone in the hind-quarters?


Another pause, another reply only she could hear.
I wonder what words she's listening to... and if the shrinks know about it.


Of all the people, at least it's her. Thank God for that. "Oh! Hi there, Chi." Tiffy faked a smile and turned. "I was just … well, this is Corrado's plaque you know."
Huh... so she can be civil.


That set Chi to thinking. "You know, that really doesn't make any
sense. I'm much more like him than you are, so you'd think they'd pair
us up."
"Well, you were already paired up with Renzo by the time he became our problem."
I'll admit part of me finds it odd that Chi would even consider being paired up with someone else while her own handler was still breathing. Part of me can't help but think that the conditioning files that under "impossiblity" or "won't happen to me".
I wonder if Chi had known Corrado better if she would have considered him caring toward Tiffy? Or has she mostly recieved the story of him from Tiffy with said girl's perspective thrown in?



The Agency took all this effort because the Mamiya's viewfinder was on
top of the body, allowing Tiffany to nonchalantly look down into the bag
and trigger the shot.
More a technical thing than any; but if shooting like this is anything like shooting street photography then you probably wouldn't even bother looking at the viewfinder... just line it up once and snap away; it's one less action for people to pick up on. Though I do like the use of the old camera.


The other girl looked about her age, lean and gaunt, but not in the way
that resulted in physical training. She looked undernourished, sickly.
There's two sorts of skinny: skinny like you're built that way and skinny from starvation (self-inflicted or otherwise), this sounds like the latter.


"You must have the wrong person. I'm sorry, Carla. I'm Adrianna Paluzzi, and I'm waiting—"
Sounds quite robotic, like she's reciting something she learned by wrote; which makes sense. Tiffy and Corrado strike me more as a "get out and do shit" fratello rather than an intelligence gathering one.


I was on YouTube? "Okay, you're right. I'm sorry for trying to
pretend I didn't know you, Claire. It's just that … I've been doing
some pretty, well, complicated stuff."
Claire looked relieved.
"Oh, I was so scared, Simona! It was just for one second, and it was so
crowded, I wasn't sure it was you. I tracked you online all this way,
and if you weren't Simona," she swallowed. "Well, if you weren't, I
didn't know what I'd do!"
Whups... that one backfired. For a second I thought her response was a sarcastic "Yeah of course I'm your long-lost friend"... maybe I'm too used to writing Monty Razz


Lili from Daddy.
I'll be interested to see if these two turn up again.


What the hell? Was I that weak before I met Corrado?
I take it that her time with Corrado has taught her to value physical toughness rather than mental/emotional toughness... might be why she doesn't get on with her new handler so well?


"It wasn't my idea. Some stupid computer analyst did. It's a fucking waste of time, if you ask me."
Could it be...


"Down, but not out." Tiffany said to the prone, gasping form.
Curious to know if this was purposeful wording on Corrado's part, or Tiffy's interpretation...


Another excellent chapter mate, we're starting to see where Tiffy gets it from.
Oddly enough, I've actually got a rough outline for a "someone I used to know" story for J+M, so its been interesting to see how you handled it as well.


Looking forward to the next one.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Wed 30 Jan 2013 - 2:35

Okay, uploaded Training, where we follow Paolo and Dina (and Priscilla and Raballo) as the new fratello learns to become one.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Wed 30 Jan 2013 - 6:44

@taerkitty wrote:Okay, uploaded Training, where we follow Paolo and Dina (and Priscilla and Raballo) as the new fratello learns to become one.
Well written mate, as always. More thoughts per usual to follow once I'm back to internet which moves at civilised speeds with some free time.

Spoiler:
Honestly, after what was discussed in chatbox, not quite as disturbing as I was expecting. I don't know if I'm just getting jaded or if its because I was reading it on a hot summer's evening whilst sitting outside a beachfront fish and chip shop whilst waiting for my order to be cooked (which was excellent by the way)... and it's very difficult to feel disturbed by anything in that situation.

Either way, though I don't think the torture process is something which quite fits into my own fan-universe version of the SWA, it was interesting to see how Dina's past effected her responses, and I'm glad you wrote it.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 30 Jan 2013 - 12:49

@taerkitty wrote:Okay, uploaded Training, where we follow Paolo and Dina (and Priscilla and Raballo) as the new fratello learns to become one.



Like Alfisti, not a fan of the idea of the girls having to be trained to resist pain and such, but then perhaps by the time of the Second Generation they'd been able to program that in to them.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Mon 4 Feb 2013 - 22:20

Oh, I'm not demanding this be written into the fanon. This is just my take on the SWA, and it's a pretty dark one. Jean is my love-to-hate guy. After all, he killed Dina's mom!

For me the torture serves three pseudo-scientific-BS purposes. Henrietta in Volume 1 of the canon said that being shot hurt for a little, then stopped, so I'm positing a heightened endorphin secretion that's subconsciously triggered. How do you learn that? By hurting them until it triggers. The ice water torture seemed the least physically damaging.

Seeing as we're mucking about with the endocrine system, why not boost the adrenal glands? That way, Henrietta can do the Jackie Chan Hop to chase down her camera. Okay, but how to control it? More torture, this time for fear response.

Thirdly, Paolo especially has a hard time thinking of Dina as a weapon. How can he commit her to battle like that? Well, the Agency should have a way to harden the handler's heart, so making him watch and participate in it should do the trick.

Of course, there's the literary trick of not letting the person in distress cry, and have someone else cry by proxy. There's something spooky and tragic about having a girl so desperate for her handler's approval that she can even squelch a primal fear response (waterboarding).

Now the ending is utterly romanticized. In a real 'program' like this, they'd not allow someone to break the protocol. It was something developed to 'help' the fratello, and any changes need to be carefully studied and tested before someone can do something like this.

However I wanted to show that Paolo had truly bonded with Dina, and this seemed the best way.

I'm also proud of the epilogue, of how earnest and happy Dina is to share her dream with Priss. She knows, and we know, that it will never come to pass, but there's no way you can tell a little girl she's going to die in under fiver years, not when she's pouring her heart out to you like that.

Yeah, I love breaking Priscilla's heart like that. Smile

===

As an aside, I posted another two
chapters about the Italian Stefan/Tiffany fratello (as opposed to the RB one which is fair game for anyone to use.) It was originally supposed to be one, but the chapter breaks
lent themselves to splitting it into two.

A Second Chance Chapter 3: A Walk in the Park
A Second Chance Chapter 4: As I Lay Me Down to Sleep

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Tue 5 Feb 2013 - 4:11

@taerkitty wrote:Oh, I'm not demanding this be written into the fanon.
Heh, I wasn't suggesting you were... but I do find it fun and interesting noting the differences in takes on the SWA.


@taerkitty wrote:Thirdly, Paolo especially has a hard time thinking of Dina as a weapon. How can he commit her to battle like that? Well, the Agency should have a way to harden the handler's heart, so making him watch and participate in it should do the trick.
Which makes me wonder if they have all handlers participate. Afterall; not every handler comes in with a soft heart for the girls... though I guess a cold handler wouldn't mind and could simply be an asset; maybe free up the second "torturer" for other duties by doing it themselves...


@taerkitty wrote:As an aside, I posted another two chapters about the Italian Stefan/Tiffany fratello.
Is your high output clogging up my backlog some sort of payback for writing 20k word chapters? Razz

Anyway, added to my "things to read and review" list.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Fri 15 Feb 2013 - 14:41


In other news, I created a Facebook page, Taerkitty's Fiction so I stop spamming members of my friendslist with writerly links.

===

@Alfisti - TSM and I agreed that Hilshire wouldn't be party to this. We also think Triela was one of the earlier cyborgs, perhaps immediately after Angie, so perhaps this protocol was put in place after that.

If you think I have high output, you should follow TSM on FF.net - he's writing in at least five fandoms: GsG, Teminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Firefly, Gen13, and Burn Notice. And this is on top of his quality and prolific posts on Rehabilitation Branch!

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sat 2 Mar 2013 - 11:42

Ok, I said I'd give some more in-depth comment, so here goes:

Training 01
Raballo nodded. "No point wasting time. Dina? Inspection."Mechanically, Dina ejected the magazine out of the 90-Two and held the slide back, barrel downward.
An interesting dynamic you're setting up with Raballo and this fratello. I wonder if Paulo is concious that he's deferring to the Captain so much, or if it's just automatic being that Raballo was the one whom taught him. It's an easy thing for a person to do, to deffer to someone they see as being more skilled or better qualified. As an extension, I'll be watching to see if that effects the fratello dynamic; removing the infallability of the handler in the cyborg's eyes and placing another party distincly above them. Not so much in terms of rank or command structure, but in terms of qualification for the job they're doing and in terms of defferment.


Dina raised stopped studying the tiny buckles on her shoes
I think you may have an extra word in there.


With all her will, she stilled her thumb. Her head felt like a
volcano about to erupt. She dropped the pristine blister pack back into
the open drawer and pushed it shut onto her finger, but it didn't hurt.
It couldn't hurt enough to be noticed, not when her eyes pulsed with hot
coals. She grabbed the dresser and tried to orient herself toward her
bed…
…and collapsed, mouth open in a rictus of agony, throat too tensed even to scream.
A result of low concentrations of the drug? Or of conciously fighting something she has been programmed/ordered to do; on time, every time? A little bit of both?


Reserving one of the three shoot houses for a fortnight took far longer
than he thought. Between that and specifying all the modifications,
Paolo wasn't done until dinner time.
Well, between locking out one third of a major training facility, and getting budget approval for mods...


She whispered, "That's the only thing that makes me happy."
No pressure mate.


Training 02
Unable to speak, Priscilla could only stare into Amadeo's eyes, pleading silently.
He nodded, swallowed, and resumed.
SWA communal concience and, in some ways, communal little sister.


Amadeo leaned in and scooped him up
"him" or "her"?


Paolo followed his gaze and called out "Wait!" He turned back to
Jean. "What's the point here? To teach, or to watch someone beat up a
little girl?"
"Both." Jean lowered his voice to something barely above a growl. "Amadeo—"
Trying to teach the cyborgs (and handlers) some caution perhaps? Show them that the cyborgs, strong though they are, are not invincible... and to keep that in mind?


Why didn't I? Why did I … why did I disobey? A fiery line
scorched her mind, starting at the top of her neck, cresting over her
crown and blossoming into a fireball just above her eyes.
Because I love him.
In spite of the cold, in spite of the jackhammer at her skull, the shivering girl smiled.
Command override?
No.
This is good, you're really starting to build some shape into the fratello's relationship now... to me this is the inkling of a fratello where the cyborg's first loyalty is to her handler and to the SWA second. I figure that dynamic can go either way: whether the girl is obeying her handler because she has to, but he's really just commanding as the SWA's mouthpiece and under it's authority (where I figure all fratelli start out), or if she's doing his bidding because she wants to, for the man himself... which is something that can only develop over time. Danilo & Raych fall into the former category, whilst Jethro + Monty fall into the latter... which was originally going to be a salient plot point (that she'd follow her handler over an SWA instruction) until I revised how I wanted things to run.


Training 03
"Jose always says, 'If you try your best, I'll always be proud of you.'
And he means it, too!" Henrietta smiled so eagerly her eyes closed.
I'll admit I tend to picture big cheesy grins as more a Rico thing... 'Etta's actions always seem to be more restrained and demure.


"Can I show you on your lamp?" Dina crawled on his bed and picked it up. She twisted the base off and pointed.
I know we had a bit of a chat around cyborg competencies awhile back regards Monty's seeming capability for her age. This sort of reminded me of that... I'm assuming Triela's story included a bit of how to find a bug, or where to look as there's a large gap between being aware a room should be swept and how to actually go about the task.
That said, it is sort of endearingly cute that Dina went back to her own permanent room at the SWA to sweep it. The picture it's putting in my head is of the girl not so much seriously looking for bugs as emulating someone she looks up to.


Training 04

A cold realization crawled down Paolo's back. "If it's not one of them…"
"… then it's one of us." Raballo nodded. "That means we have an internal security problem. Keep it to yourself."
...or the SWA just doesn't trust you.


"You are under observation. That bug will be removed, but I am sure
they'll plant two more in both your rooms, and in less obvious places."
He paused. "By the way, good job teaching your girl how to search a room
– taking apart the lamp isn't something I'd expect one of them to think
of."
Ah, there it is.


"It's fine, it's fine, Dina. Look, I'm your teacher, right? Well, let me
tell you a secret: every teacher wants his student to be better than
him. I'm proud of you for beating me."
Ah, he's finally starting to find his cyborg management skills feet Razz


Training 05
In a dark way, her gasp when the doctor drenched the fabric was a mercy,
a respite from her show of devotion that crushed Paolo's heart a little
each time.
As I think was mentioned in some earlier conversation: part of me wonders how much of this is for the cyborg's conditioning and how much is to conditiong the handler, to help get them used to the idea of exactly how devoted the cyborgs are, how they think and what they can do... and just how to think of them.


Her face, buried into his chest, nodded once.
With both arms, he raised the bucket over his head and upended it onto the both of them.
Well, if you're going to break protocol, I guess you may as well break all of them.


Training Epilogue
When Priscilla could speak again, Dina took a deep breath and said, "I
want to grow up to be like you and Signore Paolo. You are both always
helping people, and I want to grow up to help people, too. I want to
make him proud of me for helping someone. Signore Paolo must have
someone in his life like your friend Favianne, someone that helped him
grow up and want to help me. I'm lucky to have him, just like you're
lucky to have Favianne, and someday I want someday help someone just
like ... Priscilla, why are you crying?"
You really do like torturing Priscilla emotionally don't you? Razz Tear jerker ending.


Another well written set of chapters mate... Dina and Paulo's fratello dynamic seems to be coming together nicely as well. Part of me is suprised at how protective he is of her, I can't help but think time in the intelligence services would have given him a more dispassionate view. That said, remembering his relationship with Dino - he always did seem to be the less pragmatic brother; more driven by emotion and family.


Good stuff anyway. I'll review the other story in the morning... too tired now.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sat 2 Mar 2013 - 22:12

Alright, on with the show.

A Second Chance - Chapter 03
I know we've already discussed this chapter a bit, so this'll be shorter, but still...

Tiffy shouldered the rifle, then retracted the stock and moved the cheek
rest to the other position. "Senators, hm? Or Deputies this time?
Either way, I better get my range time in before we have to pretend it's
only adults here."
Tiffy certainly seems to get a fairly free run of the Milan branch; I take it not officially though. I wonder if it's a result of her, or a result of her former handler... or a little of both.


Awoman with brown hair and piercing eyes
I think you may need a space there mate.


A Second Chance - Chapter 04
Stefan took a deep breath. He had no time to gauge the room, to see if
they were looking for the true root cause, or simply to hang the
responsibility on someone. On him. Oh, well. Time to go with Plan A.
"Tiffy is very … protective of her former handler. One of the ways she
protects her memory of him is to not answer to the name he gave her
because it was something he gave her."
See previous comments about Agency vs. handler loyalties. Razz


"It's not normally the handler's place to shape the cyborg. This is very unusual, Antonio."
I'd beg to differ and say that each girl is a product of her environment; an environment which includes her handler. My impression was that the handlers had pretty free reign to work with their girls as they see fit... but each to their own as well.


He glared at Stefan. In fact, Stefan was sure, were they alone, Jean
would have killed him without a heartbeat's hesitation. "Rico's dead,
Agent. Leave her out of it."
...and so your Jean shows a glimmer of humanity. It was certainly hinted towards the end of the canon that he was in some way or form becoming attached to Rico; I could see becoming the greater arsehole after her death to be a form of coping mechanism. Particularly having lost, lets face it here: everyone else.


Before Stefan could respond, Colucci squeaked, "Yes, that's right. Why?"
Maybe its because of the various filters of perception we're seeing Colucci through, but I'm starting to wonder if he actually has any redeeming qualities. I assume there's some somewhere, otherwise he wouldn't have been appointed to head the Milan branch (unless, I guess, someone out there was just looking for a puppet), but still...



Well written as always mate.

I'll admit I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around this fratello... well mostly around Tiffy to be honest, and I find it easier to comment on the reactions of those around her rather than on the girl herself. As you said previously: you considered this story to be a bit more AU, so in a manner it's difficult to pick a yardstick to measure her against. Still, I do intend to keep reading Very Happy

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sat 30 Mar 2013 - 11:28

While you may not have seen fit to alert us here to new chapters, ff.net fortunately sent notifications straight to my inbox.

Yes, pull all the heart strings why don't you?

More thoughts to come.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 30 Mar 2013 - 17:39

Oops! As Alfisti correctly posts, the third story of the second volume, First Mission, is posted.

Here we see Paolo and Dina take on their first field job. Just like Claes' walk-in-the-metro-station, it doesn't go as planned.

Maybe Raballo's just cursed?

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sun 14 Apr 2013 - 7:20

Ok, so: extended thoughts...

First Mission 01
She knew the way out, but wanted to take in the artistry one last time.
Dina and Rico will have something to talk together about then...

Wow! That school must have really fed you! I use to be able to lift you up all the time!
Dangers of being a cyborg: the weight. I've always figured that, for those who have heard the rumours, a girl somehow appearing or being heavier than her build would be one of the first things to set alarm bells ringing.

She turned out to be quite personable, and patient, even welcoming, of the girl's questions. Timid as they were at first, they soon grew to respond to her prompting questions as she engaged them in the journey. With her vast knowledge, she recounted anecdotes for each item, some funny, others perplexing, and more than a few that showed the humanity behind the art.
I like the portrayl of Fontana, she's human and seemingly by all accounts a nice person. That's one of the things I've always liked about GSG: even the badguys (assuming Fontana is Padania) are shown as human, and often as quite nice and well-meaning folk. Their goals and views just happen to be different to those of the protagonists: and they invariably seem to be doing things for what they believe to be the right reasons.


First Mission 02
"There is no we, Paolo. She's your cyborg, and this is your mission. So tell me, what are you going to do?"
You know, I've always pictured Ferro more as a last name user than a first: keeping it professional etc.

"I'm sure you can handle it. And, when you're on a real job, you won't have us to fall back on. Get used to it, and be thankful it's a small and safe situation."
"Welcome to the deep end, I hope you can swim..."

Maria mother, Rosalina, was overjoyed to see Dina.
I think "Maria" here needs a posessive.

Rosalina caught Dina's eye. "Oh, Gina. I'm sorry for forgetting. Leona and dinner and all that. Your mother left a letter with you."
"...for you" perhaps?


First Mission 03

Dina took another spoonful so she didn't have to speak, but found the bowl empty. "Uh, may I have another bowl?"From the cramped corner of the table, Sofrina gave a soft, delighted cry.
Good thing cyborgs chew energy...

Dinathought back to the burst of elation when Paolo surprised her by filling her top bookshelf with those beautiful dolls with intricate hair styles and looming, unblinking eyes. Then, she remembered that uneasy hollowness, that unease she felt just looking at them.
Something that's come up a few times in coversation: that the "childhood" experienced by the cyborgs, at least the canon girls, is very much an adult view of childhood rather than a child's view. It's sanitised, quiet and almost classical with books and bears and crochet etc: not so much footballs and scabby knees.

Of course it would be the last one.
Murphy strikes again... good thing "Dina" and "Gina" sound close though Razz

Once in the cab, Paolo was furious. "Why didn't you answer my calls?"
To borrow a quote from Sherlock: no-one ever thinks about the cabby...


First Mission 04
"Well, you could start with eliminating this family. They are a security issue, you know."
Without wanting to sound sadistic, but I like it when the Agency is ruthless.

As they sat in Paolo's Audi S5 parked outside the beige walk-up...
Another handler joins the Audi ranks then I see.

"Can we … can we make it fast?"
Good line.

"Enough to hold a conversation, but not enough to worry about being hunted down by a cute little cyborg."
I like these conversations, even with "friends": everyone dancing around giving out any actually useful information.

"If I was counting favors, I'd own your years until you died for all the rush orders and strange requests you've made!" Massimo had a hearty, deep laugh.
Nice friendly reminder of all the favours which could be called in should he need to as well...


First Mission 05 & Epilogue
Not much I can really isolate out of this one as it really works best as a whole: touching and sad. You can see how Priscilla could start to load the whole affair up as being almost entirely her fault; a series of well-intentioned decisions leading to where they are now.

Of course, we all know what the road to Hell is paved with as well.

Dina saying she would help Priscilla remember Favianne was a nice touch though and a nice way to round out the chapter. We can see you trying your damndest to give Priss a happy ending for a change Razz


Volume 2 Epilogue
The party was well-attended, but subdued. The most of other girls and their handlers put in their obligatory half-hour...
"First Mission" or going active party of some description I take it?

She picked up one doll, then the next. The third one, she selected and sat it on the table. From a sheath hidden on the underside of her book bag, she removed a slim-handled, double-bladed Gerber Mark II fighting knife.
Guns and butter.

The last doll, the one she received from Maria, she wrote the namePriscilla
I'm not certain if being made the Barbie (I assume it was a Barbie or some-such similar) is something Priscilla should be taking as a compliment or not... Razz

...it's a sweet gesture though.



Well written as always mate. I'm enjoying watching the different character relationships build as you go through; and old aquaitences and favours used coming back to haunt people.

Looking forward to the next.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 19 Oct 2013 - 21:52

I got saddled with a Christmas story for Paolo and Dina, so here it is, or at least the first chapter.  More as I find time.

(Side Story) Christmas Choices
Summary wrote:When you're an SWA cyborg, nothing is normal, not even Christmas. OC fratello Paolo di Tomaso and Dina. CC Priscilla.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sat 19 Oct 2013 - 22:26

Ha, finally.

You say you're no so good at description and scene setting, but you seem to be doing a pretty good job here. The first section you've picked up the details and slowed the prose down nicely.

Her handler closed the door and tested the handle. "Old habits, I guess."
I still do this too, if fact I still check all the doors and boot. That is why I can't have one of those "proximity" key fobs where the car locks or unlocks itself depending on how close you are... it would drive me batty wondering if the thing was secured or not.


With a triumphant gleam eye in her eyes, she took a breath and readied her thoughts.
You can tell this is somewhat later in their timeline... this feels like a subtly different, more confident and more experienced Dina than we have seen in your other writings so far. That said: letting her carry everything sort of blows the "harmless little girl" cover.


Two cars blocked a third between them...

...The two grey 7-Series BMWs roared off, their ambushers with them. The Range Rover's driver opened his door and stumbled out.
A little thing (I'm nit-picking here, but you force me into it by leaving nothing else to crit), but one that hit me here in terms of the order of information: we don't actually know that there are two 7-series and a Range Rover involved until the second part of this, so saying "the 7-Series" and "the Range Rover" feels a little off. How to put it... reading it feels somewhat like "wait there were two whats? Oh! That's what was going on". The reader then needs to go and mentally insert the cars into the earlier part of the scene.

I don't think there's anything technically wrong with what you've done here but, had it been me writing it, I probably would have given the car makes and models in the initial part of the scene, or at least given some description, something like "Two grey saloons blocked a large four wheel drive between them". That way the reader at least has some context already to fit the details into.


"Do it already. You're a dead man, so you might as well enjoy this."
Don't know what is going on here, but I'm looking forward to finding out.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Mon 21 Oct 2013 - 1:57

So, I make that three chapters in two days... no comment.


CHAPTER02
Dina was wearing in a new jumper...
Nitpick: I don't think you need to wear jumpers in... Perhaps "Dina was wearing a new jumper"? Razz 


Dina slid her right arm free of her backpack.

Paolo placed his hand on her newly-freed shoulder.
What happened to "thou shalt not harm public officials... unless ordered to"? Or is she just anticipating the order?

As a sidenote: two uses of "free" quite close together.


Paolo ran his fingers through her hair again. "No, of course not. Do you think I would have..."

Dina bowed her head.

He castigated himself mentally. "Oh, Dina. I didn't mean it that way." He set down his cup and hugged her. In his arms, her ragged breathing slowly grew regular.
I do like how you pick up on the emotional fragility of the girls, particualrly the gen 01s, and just how carefully the staff and handlers (at least, those who care) sometimes have to tread around them.


CHAPTER03
...though he detailed as best he could the conversation with Inspector Liceti, both out of importance and also pride.
A small thing, but one that gives us another look into Paulo as a person.


"This isn't me mad. This is me upset that you didn't think about all the work I have to do to keep us out of this sort of business."
Just because you did the "right" thing, doesn't mean it won't be a complete pain in the metaphorical for all others involved.


The door opened, and one of the guard looked inside.
Guards, plural, I assume...


I saw you," a shaky finger pointed at Dina. "I saw you come in and patch me up. You didn't flinch one bit."
Wasn't Dina working on the driver? Or was this later... or did I just miss a bit.


The door opened. "It sure wasn't me. Hello, Colonel Matteotti. Hello, Julietta."

Inspector Liceti strode in, and he wasn't happy.
I'll be watching to see how Dino extracts himself from this one.

Nicely done mate.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Tue 22 Oct 2013 - 0:27

You say you're no so good at description and scene setting, but you seem to be doing a pretty good job here. The first section you've picked up the details and slowed the prose down nicely.
It's your fault for setting the blasted bar so high, my friend!

You can tell this is somewhat later in their timeline... this feels like a subtly different, more confident and more experienced Dina than we have seen in your other writings so far. 
It's some time later in the series.  I haven't figured out when because, for all that I gleefully prattle on about killing Dina, I'm just making this up as I go.  However, at this point, she does move quite steadily, and her instincts are very well-ingrained.

That said: letting her carry everything sort of blows the "harmless little girl" cover.
That's a bit of a quandary I had.  I wanted the story to be accessible to those who weren't familiar with the canon, and wanted to establish that she was something a little special before she went into bodyguard mode.  A silly whim.

I probably would have given the car makes and models in the initial part of the scene, or at least given some description.
You're quite right, and I've retro-edited it as suggested.  I'm somewhat making this up as I go, so I didn't really care about the specifics about the vehicles until Paolo got closer, at which point I realize he'd probably note down the model numbers.  Until then, I didn't even bother envisioning them in my mind.

"Do it already. You're a dead man, so you might as well enjoy this."
Don't know what is going on here, but I'm looking forward to finding out.
I hope I clarified it in the later chapters, but the passenger thought Paolo was one of the attackers, and was doing the "From Hell's heart, I stab at thee" sort of speech.

So, I make that three chapters in two days... no comment.
What are you trying to say?

I don't think you need to wear jumpers in... Perhaps "Dina was wearing a new jumper"? Razz 
Yeah, you caught me.  Fixed it.

What happened to "thou shalt not harm public officials... unless ordered to"? Or is she just anticipating the order?

As a sidenote: two uses of "free" quite close together.
She's anticipating it.  Seeing as you've probably read chapter 4 by now, I was trying to do a slight build to her actually going into combat mode by having her get into "ready stance" once or twice to build up the anticipation.  Unsure if it worked.

I corrected the free x 2 problem, too.  Thanks.

I do like how you pick up on the emotional fragility of the girls, particularly the gen 01s, and just how carefully the staff and handlers (at least, those who care) sometimes have to tread around them.
For me, that was one of the moments I loved in the anime (which led me to the volume, which led me to this site, etc.) Claes at the firing range.  So many little slips of the tongue and literal/idiomatic gaffes.

To this day, I still am proud of the "Dina field-stripping her pistol" scene where she was told to "do whatever makes you happy" and is working herself to tears of frustration in hopes of making Paolo proud of her "because that's what makes me happy.  That's the only thing that makes me happy."

Just because you did the "right" thing, doesn't mean it won't be a complete pain in the metaphorical for all others involved.
Another reviewer said the same thing, that Paolo just can't remain distant, and that leads him into so many situations.  Yes, indeed.

Guards, plural, I assume...
Yes, and fixed.  Thanks for catching that - that was actually key for the next chapter.

Wasn't Dina working on the driver? Or was this later... or did I just miss a bit.
I figured seeing as she had the first-aid kit...  And earlier I mentioned that she was the one doing the patching with Dominic Dorigo calling her his angel of mercy.

Nicely done mate.
You're the one setting the blasted bar so high!  I'm just trying to keep up!

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Tue 22 Oct 2013 - 6:13

@taerkitty wrote:
That said: letting her carry everything sort of blows the "harmless little girl" cover.
That's a bit of a quandary I had.  I wanted the story to be accessible to those who weren't familiar with the canon, and wanted to establish that she was something a little special before she went into bodyguard mode.  A silly whim.
From a story telling perspective, and for the feel your stories take, I think it was the correct path to take, and it is effective at reminding the reader what Dina is capable of. How to put it... it's not something I could have gotten away with writing, say, Jethro+Monty, however I also, particularly for them, I think I also write at a much higher level of paranoia. Getting the cyborg to carry all the heavy stuff around is something Danilo might try though, from what we know of Paulo (or at least the mental image I'm building of him in my head), he quite possibly, either conciously or unconciously, let Dina carry more to feel helpful, useful and happy. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but Paulo might give up a certain amount of absolute operational paranoia to make Dina's life just a little bit brighter.

As a side note: generally when I'm making these sorts of comments (on stylistic differences or differences in universe, etc), they're probably intended more as observations rather than actual crit. Sort of a "hey, this is how it looks from Planet Paranoid". Razz 


@taerkitty wrote:She's anticipating it.  Seeing as you've probably read chapter 4 by now, I was trying to do a slight build to her actually going into combat mode by having her get into "ready stance" once or twice to build up the anticipation.  Unsure if it worked.
I think it did work, when she goes for the gun again later we know exactly what's going on. Perhaps more importantly though, we're learing how Dina responds to different situations and inputs. Again, I guess, see the above comment.


And with that, onto...


CHAPTER04
In case you've not guessed: you've quite handilly managed to land posting this while I'm between chapters (and out of town so with no access to photoshop either) Razz .
"And here I thought you were visiting me! Instead, you're just looking to finish some fight. Well, go ahead, but try not to break anything; they might bill me for it."
I've got to admit, I'm liking Dorigo's character: he's entertaining and sort of gives a counterpoint to the more serious moods of the rest of the story... Plus the "jolly, good natured (if you're on his good side), badguy" is always fun.


Inspector Liceti mouthed a "Why?" as he helped the older man up and to the closet.
I'm trying to work out if Liceti is on the younger, more inexperienced end of the spectrum... or if he's just more a detective rather than a spook and so therefore lacks the latter's highly attuned sense of "this is not right". I'm going to guess a little of both? Either way, playing with how people from different backgrounds respond, think and reason is always fun.


As fast as the chaos of gunfire burst upon their ears, so was the stillness that followed. Only their shallow and rapid breaths, only their pulsing heartbeats filled their ears.
Action. Short, violent and hidden: I like it. It's certainly more appropriate to the style of story you tell than gratuitous Bay-tastic fights.


"No, she may be able to do amazing things." Paolo tilted his pistol to check the chamber loaded indicator, then crouched, aiming at the doorway. "But at her heart, she's just a little girl."

Ah yes, the "can I squeeze the tagline in somewhere" reflex. Razz 


I think saying "great stuff" is becoming a little redundant but: great stuff. Looking forward to the next... and seeing how you're going to make Priscilla sad this time around.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Tue 22 Oct 2013 - 16:12

I think I also write at a much higher level of paranoia. 
Indeed you do.  Then again, your feel is much different than this.  I think I'm writing at the level of most teen fiction, to be honest.  A smattering of detail, but a lot of visible forward motion.  Your style is much more contemplative, moody, and immersive, so you can carry the increased paranoia.  I don't think I can, because paranoia needs to be subtle, and my style of writing is pretty overt and heavy-handed.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but Paulo might give up a certain amount of absolute operational paranoia to make Dina's life just a little bit brighter.
No, quite right.  They have a sort of reverse-codependency here, each is desperately trying to make the other happy, proud, satisfied, even at cost of their own happiness.  As vicious and violent as Dina can be, I can't feel comfortable writing her as anything other than a person still full of hope and caring.

"hey, this is how it looks from Planet Paranoid". Razz 
A perfectly valid viewpoint.  I welcome it and find it fascinating.

I was trying to do a slight build to her actually going into combat mode.
I think it did work, when she goes for the gun again later we know exactly what's going on. 
You know, this is an odd sort of point-in-time for me writing Dina.  This is the first time I'm writing her actually in combat, though she'll likely have some firefights under her belt by the time this chapter comes about chronologically.  

In fact, in my current Volume 3 Short Story 1 (I loathe trying to think of story and chapter names, so I don't bother until I complete them.  V3S1 is all I use for now) we get to see Dina's Schoolbag-of-Death-Dealing as well as her first combat outing.

In it, she's not nearly as polished or confident, but I need to be sure I don't evolve her to being too steady-handed by the time this short story gets turned into the first story in a volume.  It's an odd thing to have to consider, but one of the unique concerns when writing a-chronologically.

In case you've not guessed: you've quite handily managed to land posting this while I'm between chapters (and out of town so with no access to Photoshop either) Razz .
Let me know the next time you plan to strand yourself in the middle of a technological and scheduling lull, let me know!  I'll be happy to try to fill for you. Wink

 Plus the "jolly, good natured (if you're on his good side), badguy" is always fun.
I like Dorigo, too.  I didn't really have a character in mind for him; I just needed a warm body.  I'm glad his being a tried-but-true archetype isn't off-putting.

I'm trying to work out if Liceti is on the younger, more inexperienced end of the spectrum... or if he's just more a detective rather than a spook
I see him as just-the-facts-m'am sort of detective: very hard-working, very direct, and not very imaginative.  And definitely not the spook-sort.  However, this shows I may need to try to figure out how to inject cues to this regard before this point.

Action. Short, violent and hidden: I like it. It's certainly more appropriate to the style of story you tell than gratuitous Bay-tastic fights
Here, I'm strongly deviating from the canon's feel.  The canon perhaps doesn't indulge in blossoming Bruckheimer-fireballs, but it does do a certain amount of John Woo bullet-ballet, though thankfully absent the symbolic doves.

I simply feel I am lacking the skill to write a dynamic, flowing, and immersive combat scene.  This is where the medium works against us.  A page of visual panels can be as deep or shallow, as fast or detailed as the artist wishes.  A page of prose will never be able to recreate the frenetic pace we see in the canon.

This is why I use false alarm, cut-to-the-end, and fighting-in-the-dark scenes so much.  I fear I'm just not very good at writing an up-front, straight and honest fight scene.

===

I must confess I have two favourite moments in this scene:

- Dina hanging out the window by one hand, hair and skirt billowing in the wind (and pantsu not visible due to a discrete camera angle, much like the Henrietta-house-hopping scene), commando knife between her teeth and outsized pistol in her other hand.

- Liceti's expression after Dina yanks the blade free of the lobotomized mook, wipes it somewhat clean of viscera and ichor, then clamps it between her teeth again.  I didn't want to belabor the point, but her "Out the window again, Signore Paolo?" would have been delivered with that forced smile and bared teeth.

I would imagine he would be trying to keep his dinner down at that point. 

Ah yes, the "can I squeeze the tagline in somewhere" reflex. Razz
Technically, the tagline ends with "she is just and adolescent child."  As you can tell by me having that so ready at hand, yes, I did look it up with hopes of closing the chapter with it.

I didn't plan to end this chapter in any particular way.  In fact, I didn't even have the next scenes planned, so I had to back-track and overwrite some of the stuff they were doing because it wasn't going anywhere.  Around 1k words, I start looking for a way to end the chapter, something upbeat, downbeat, a compelling question, or a punch to the heart.  

Unlike the rest of P+D, this is me writing extemporaneously.  I have a key scene, a key line, actually, for the short story, and this is all framing and foundation for us to arrive there.

Looking forward to ... seeing how you're going to make Priscilla sad this time around
That's not my constant goal.  She's the most normal of the lot, which makes her the most identifiable to the reader.   I believe (but am not sure) that she is the best conduit to the reader.
.
Because she hasn't yet learned to close her heart she's also the only one there who gives a damn, so it's her own damn fault if she gets her heart hurt...

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Tue 22 Oct 2013 - 22:09

As vicious and violent as Dina can be, I can't feel comfortable writing her as anything other than a person still full of hope and caring.
I think that "hopeful and caring" is probably something that could be broadly applied to the [canon] cyborgs in general, and it befits Dina's character as well. For my own money, GsG is, while downbeat, also sets a hopeful tone: that some difference will be made and that there is hope for the future.


I loathe trying to think of story and chapter names, so I don't bother until I complete them.
You and me both, normally I'm fumbling around at the last minute trying to find something. That was fine for And the Adventure Continues, as I only needed to think something up every 20k words... doing the same for Meanwhile in Italy has been a pain in the proverbial, and I rather wish I had not bothered. As TSM picked up: I've been falling back on barstardising science fiction novel titles as a shoutout to the theme also utilised in naming Danilo and Raych.


I like Dorigo, too.  I didn't really have a character in mind for him; I just needed a warm body.  I'm glad his being a tried-but-true archetype isn't off-putting.
Heh, I can relate to that "I need a warm body" to fill a character place. The problem with using archetypes is that, if you're not careful, you can wind up using the same ones over and over. I think you're safe here so far but, looking back through AtAC I had the horrible realisation that a lot of my "bad guys" were all quite similar, as I went back the same archetype each time... at about which time I started making a point of sketching each arc-character to try and ensure there was some differentiation.

Results were... mixed.


I see him as just-the-facts-m'am sort of detective: very hard-working, very direct, and not very imaginative.  And definitely not the spook-sort.  However, this shows I may need to try to figure out how to inject cues to this regard before this point.
I guess, from over here at least, Liceti comes across as quite hot-headed... though the direct part is there. To be fair, someone has just walked in and started rifling through his toybox without asking permission, so he's allowed to be upset, but yeah: it could use some tempering. The other thing I would be cautious of is letting Paulo walk all over him in terms of leading the game. There's nothing wrong with letting a charater look like an idiot if you want them to be an idiot, but it can be an issue if you don't, or if you want them to seem like a worthwhile player... and to me Liceti has "reccuring character" written all over him.

I don't know if you ever watched the show White Collar... it was one of my favorites about the time I started developing J+M, though I've not caught the last few seasons. One thing it did do particularly well though, through the early stages at least, was pairing up a straight forward detective with a cunning crook, without letting one personality walk all over the other.


That's not my constant goal.
We know that... but you have made a bit of a habit of it and, as such, there is a certain amount of mandatory leg-pulling needs to happen. Razz

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Kiskaloo on Wed 23 Oct 2013 - 12:04

@Alfisti wrote:
@taerkitty wrote:In fact, in my current Volume 3 Short Story 1 (I loathe trying to think of story and chapter names, so I don't bother until I complete them).
You and me both, normally I'm fumbling around at the last minute trying to find something. That was fine for And the Adventure Continues, as I only needed to think something up every 20k words... doing the same for Meanwhile in Italy has been a pain in the proverbial, and I rather wish I had not bothered. As TSM picked up: I've been falling back on barstardising science fiction novel titles as a shoutout to the theme also utilised in naming Danilo and Raych.
Heh. The story title is the first thing I come up with. Quite often, it's what sets the tone for the plot.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Wed 23 Oct 2013 - 12:17

For me, it starts with the 'payload' - an emotion, a scene, a line of dialogue. What's required and why it happens are the rest of the story, but it all starts with the deliverable.

The title comes last.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Wed 23 Oct 2013 - 15:00

I think that "hopeful and caring" is probably something that could be broadly applied to the [canon] cyborgs in general.
At risk of sounding like a total snob, that's one of the reasons I was drawn to writing GsG fanfic: so many of them sounded like they were happy-go-lucky and otherwise nonchalant murder machines.  The would make jokes, boast, and in general serve as wish-fulfillment vehicles for the authors.

Mind you, I'm not going to play genre.cop - if someone enjoys writing that, then all the better they write it.  I just noticed a dearth of stories that I found so appealing in the canon, the ones that are hopeful, often in the face of suckage.

As the business cliche goes, "don't bring complaints, bring solutions."  My solution was to write stuff in that tone.

For my own money, GsG is, while downbeat, also sets a hopeful tone: that some difference will be made and that there is hope for the future.
I completely agree.  Chapter 100 is pretty much the realization of that statement in visual form, so it's hard to argue the position.  However, in the school of show-don't-tell, it's hard to have the cyborg evoke hope.  Merely saying, "I hope for a better world" might work as a closing scene, a swan song, or something otherwise rare and special, such as Esperanza's award acceptance speech in Chapter 100.  

It's hard to do, but I'm trying to have Dina express her hopes in the "little things" - caring in spite of the risks inherent in opening one's heart, in asking little questions, saying little things that show she hasn't given up.

For me, a haunting line was from First Mission, where she asks Paolo, "can we make it fast?" at the start of their clean-up job to liquidate the family that earlier welcomed her as one of their own and shared their meager meal with her.  Yes, she was going to do them in, but she was under orders to do so and couldn't refuse.  However, in spite of this, she wanted to extend a mercy she felt they deserved, while inflicting on them a death undeserved.

[Coming up with chapter names] for Meanwhile in Italy has been a pain in the proverbial, and I rather wish I had not bothered. As TSM picked up: I've been falling back on barstardising science fiction novel titles as a shoutout to the theme also utilised in naming Danilo and Raych.
You don't have to, you know.  You could just retro-erase the ones you've done and just name them the default 'Chapter 1', 'Chapter 2', etc.

I know I can count on TSM to never miss any small detail like that.  His acumen is amazing, especially when you consider he's running on a huge sleep debt.  I bet when he recovers from that, he'll be a nigh-unstoppable force.

The problem with using archetypes is that, if you're not careful, you can wind up using the same ones over and over.
The trick to using archetypes is to add a 'salt' to them.  Dorigo and Massim are based on the same core: the jolly underworld figure.  However, Dorigo is not above bullying and bluffing, throwing his influence around, while Massim is showing signs of uncharacteristic depth and caring, the sort beyond the sort between middleman and client.

looking back through AtAC I had the horrible realisation that a lot of my "bad guys" were all quite similar, as I went back the same archetype each time... at about which time I started making a point of sketching each arc-character to try and ensure there was some differentiation.
AtAC avoids this sin in my eyes by means requiring a deft and skilled hand: everything has so much depth and 'thickness' that you can't help but write each character with the requisite differences.  I fear you're simply being an "Asian parent" to your work, my friend.

I see him as just-the-facts-m'am sort of detective: very hard-working, very direct, and not very imaginative.  This shows I need to inject cues to this regard .
I guess, from over here at least, Liceti comes across as quite hot-headed... though the direct part is there. To be fair, someone has just walked in and started rifling through his toybox without asking permission, so he's allowed to be upset, but yeah: it could use some tempering. 
The "jurisdictional turf war" dynamic is sadly a cliche in any sort of plot arc involving a cop as a supporting character: 

"What's this (non-cop character) doing here?" shows up in just about every 'consulting detective' canon such as Sherlock, Murder She Wrote, et. al.  

"This is my crime scene.  He's a (something other than an ordinary citizen)."/"Like hell, he died on my turf.  I don't care what he is, this is my crime scene." That has happened in many Federal agency' crime procedurals such as Criminal Minds, NCIS, JAG (it's parent show), etc.

Speaking as an "Asian parent" to this story, I feel this is one of the key weaknesses - it's rather cliched.  Another Liceti's change of attitude: he was cowed by Paolo's bluff earlier, but now is all in-his-face.  That one is redeemable: if I have Liceti return, I can explain it in passing.

Speaking of which:
The other thing I would be cautious of is letting Paulo walk all over him in terms of leading the game. There's nothing wrong with letting a character look like an idiot if you want them to be an idiot, but it can be an issue if you don't, or if you want them to seem like a worthwhile player... and to me Liceti has "reccurring character" written all over him..
I love this line I said in chat, so I'm indulging my ego and including it here for posterity's sake:
All my characters are recurring characters.  Even the dead ones.  Especially the dead ones. Smile
For short stories that do not grab me by the lapels and demand to be written right frickin' now (i.e. the rest of the P+D saga), part of my planning cycle is to review 'loose ends' from prior stories so I can 'anchor' the next story in the timeline integrally, instead of simply by fiat.  

For me, 'loose ends' aren't just unanswered questions and unresolved subplots, but also previous characters.  I don't try to pull in every prior character, but if one fits the plot I have sketched, I see no reason not to include them.

That said, Polizia di Stato Inspector Salvatore Liceti is very much out of his depth here, and he is smart enough to realize it.  He's used to major crimes, but not of the scale Dina is capable of wreaking.  A murder here, a human smuggling case there, but nothing like terrorists and PMCs and spies.

At this point in the back of his mind, he realizes he could very well be considered a 'loose end' in an OpSec sort of way, and if they decided he was Dina's next target, there is bang all he can do about it.

White Collar...  was pairing up a straight forward detective with a cunning crook, without letting one personality walk all over the other.
That's a classic dynamic, though one that is challenging enough to execute properly that there are no 'well-worn paths' to do it, hence it's not a cliche.  (In my mind, a cliche is when the endgame is overdone, not just the opening gambit.)  

Of course, another one is "the know-it-all detective gets taken down a notch" when either paired with, or opposite of, a cunning crook.  Taken to an extreme, and the detective becomes the running gag, the Wile E. Coyote to the the crook's Road Runner.

In the 'normal' world, an evenly matched pair has a balance of power: the cop is the Sword of Damocles - if the crook is too troublesome or fails to deliver, he goes back to the lockup.  However, the crook is the ace, the wildcard.  Were it not for him, the crimes they face would be be above the solo detective's ken.

Here, Liceti is utterly out of his depth.  Even his trump card, going to the press, is a weak gambit: in Italy, the state controls the media to a surprising extent, and the canon has already shown the folly of relying on the power of the Fifth Estate.  Twice over, in fact: Raballo and Patricia.

The only way to balance him would be to promote him, pawn-to-queen style, make him head of a powerful branch of the government in the public, or induct him into a powerful entity (as opposed to making him the head) in the shadow world.  Such as, making him a handler... Smile



[Making Priss cry is] not my constant goal.
We know that... but you have made a bit of a habit of it and, as such, there is a certain amount of mandatory leg-pulling needs to happen. Razz
It's certainly earned.  In fact, it's a bit of a running 'joke' in my mind.  Again, Priscilla is the most 'normal' of the canon SWA characters, so she is the reader's proxy.  As I'm trying to have emotions be my stories 'payload', she is my conduit.

As I said in another chat:
I just realized my actual goal is not to make Priscilla cry, but to make the reader [cry].  
Though, not always out of sorrow.  The conclusion to this story isn't one that hurts any of the MCs.  Instead, I think it show's Dina's dedication to trying to make a difference, even if the scope is minuscule.

Again, and as always, thank you from my heart for your kind words and attentions.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sat 26 Oct 2013 - 5:39

Ok, so...

CHAPTER05
Caporegime Dominic Dorigo was pale. His breathing was shallow, and his eyes were sunken. They would open, randomly take in the room, then come to rest looking at Dina...
I wonder what they're going to do with him? I don't think the SWA would exactly want an underworld figure running around with knowledge of the cyborg programme.


The most important people at this point in time are the survivors, bambina. Ask any of them if they care who did this. They only care about living. And not dying.
You know, in fanfiction (and the canon) we see the cyborgs rush into battle, get hurt, get patched up, and we watch the story unfold from the point of view of the SWA,and from that of the Padania. Sometimes, in all that, it is all to easy to forget about those caught in the crossfire, those who, frankly, probably really don't care who wins so long as it all stops.


Signore Inspector? Would you feel better if I wasn't here?
We know Dina's fairly switched on, but I take it the inspector is not really doing very well at hiding his feelings about her either. "Straight-forward and direct", I seem to remember you referring to him as, we're starting to see that here: he really is no actor.


Paolo pointed his finger skyward, staying the Inspector's tirade. Amidst all the other tones, he picked up Dorigo's heart rate's beeps, slow, steady. He pointed at the unconscious man, then the heart rate monitor, then bobbed his finger like a conductor.

Liceti nodded. He leaned back, closer to the other bed. He too started to nod, but much faster. Paolo followed his rhythm and picked out the other series of beeps.
Maybe it's just because I'm tired, but I'm still not entirely certain what the significance of the two's actions here are. I assume Liceti was implying Dina had slipped out to kill the other lady?


"Where is Dina? And is her name Dina or Julietta?"

"I'm Dina, Signore Inspector. It's okay, I'm watching the door."
I take it this means Dina has just heard her whole life story?


"No one should die alone, Signore Inspector. Especially not on Christmas Eve."
That last bit made be get all moist-eyed, in the middle of the Qantas Club when I first read it. That's not playing fair.


EPILOGUE
She closed the door and leaned against the hall...
Leaned against the hall? If this were a country estate maybe, but...


Dina looked up at the data analyst. "He didn't tell me any. He gave me a doll, and told me Merry Christmas. He didn't tell me we were going anywhere tonight.
Heh "you mean my handler has a life that doesn't involve me? He doesn't just cease to exist when he leaves my sight?"

It's like the "school teacher" realisation: that your teachers actually do something outside teach you at school, and the weird realisation of that when you see them in the supermarket or similar just... more-so. Razz 


If I could have dinner with you and Signore Paolo, then we'd be a family, just like Nonna Lorelli's famly, right?
The things that come out of the mouths of children. That could have been really awkward if Paolo were around to hear it too...


Priscilla took a deep breath. As she exhaled, words escaped. "You are not a monster, Dina. We are."
That's one of the things I love about GsG: it's so morally grey, for both sides of the conflict.

A thought: part of me wonders if that last line would not have more impact if it was "You're not the monster, Dina. We are." I don't know, but that's the way I keep wanting to read it. Either way, it's a great way to wrap the story up.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Mon 28 Oct 2013 - 23:04

I wonder what they're going to do with him? I don't think the SWA would exactly want an underworld figure running around with knowledge of the cyborg programme.
Honestly, no idea.  The germ for this story came about from this link.  I started with that general gestalt, then worked backwards from there.  Capo Dorigo was just a means to an end.

Right now they can't silence him because La Guardia needs him alive and testifying.  Maybe later?  Dunno.  I'll revisit him at some point

it is all to easy to forget about those caught in the crossfire, those who, frankly, probably really don't care who wins so long as it all stops.
Those are the ones that see the most of the grey - the protags see the white, the FRF see the black, but it's handy to have the bystanders see the grey.  


Signore Inspector? Would you feel better if I wasn't here?
We know Dina's fairly switched on, 
She is.  As the epilogue indicates, this is much later in her lifespan, so she's not quite as clueless.  She's still adorably child-like in innocence where she hasn't been twisted by conditioning, but I'm trying to convey she's had to do a lot of growing up.


Paolo pointed his finger skyward, staying the Inspector's tirade. Amidst all the other tones, he picked up Dorigo's heart rate's beeps, slow, steady. He pointed at the unconscious man, then the heart rate monitor, then bobbed his finger like a conductor.
Liceti was implying Dina had slipped out to kill the other lady?
Yes.  It's been established that, while Nonna Lorelli isn't speaking to the adults, she's reacting to what they say around her.  Thus, Paolo and Liceti can't really refer to her in case she's still alive and awake, but Liceti's referring to Dina's initial suggestion to Doctor Sangallo that he administer more anesthetic to her in spite of it being possibly lethal.


"Where is Dina? And is her name Dina or Julietta?"

"I'm Dina, Signore Inspector. It's okay, I'm watching the door."
I take it this means Dina has just heard her whole life story?
Well, she's heard something. That's one of the things I love about a sparse storytelling style.  Because I tend to skip around a lot, I can retroactively decide what was said.  However, it being toward the end of her life, I plan to have her gradually realize that Favianne is her mother, that she is Alessia, etc.  

So, her hearing her life story (somewhat Triela-style) is a good thing, plot wise.


"No one should die alone, Signore Inspector. Especially not on Christmas Eve."
That last bit made be get all moist-eyed, in the middle of the Qantas Club when I first read it. That's not playing fair.
*Blush*.  I'll admit, it's up there with, "It's all right.  I promised my mother I'd be brave," as one of the 'gut-punch' lines I love.  It gets me feeling tingles, too.

EPILOGUE
Leaned against the hall? If this were a country estate maybe, but...
Fixed.  Thanks!

Heh "you mean my handler has a life that doesn't involve me? He doesn't just cease to exist when he leaves my sight?"
Given the brainwashing, this might be especially surprising for someone as innocent as Dina. 


If I could have dinner with you and Signore Paolo, then we'd be a family, 
That could have been really awkward if Paolo were around to hear it too...
Originally, I was going to write a dinner with them, but it didn't feel right.  I think it was more poignant to have her hope denied.

I still haven't decided if I'll 'ship' Paolo and Priss (i.e. write them into a relationship), but it's looking more and more likely.  Then again, it's natural for people to cling to each other when they're subjected to external stresses.  Priscilla's heart seems to regularly get torn asunder (say, every 5 chapters or so...), but it's not been all that easy on Paolo.

That's one of the things I love about GsG: it's so morally grey, for both sides of the conflict.
I love the amorality, the hope-in-spite-of-the-surroundings, the delicate spirits of these inhuman killing machines, the sweet nature they cling to, and so many other subtleties that I seek to capture.  That's why I try to write this the way I do.


part of me wonders if that last line would not have more impact if it was "You're not the monster, Dina. We are." 
You're right, that works much better.  I've made the change.

As always, my gratitude for your attentive reading and incisive comments.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Tue 29 Oct 2013 - 18:23

Just because I'm easily distracted... what were we talking about again?  Oh, that's right. 

Just because I'm easily distracted, here's a new short story, or at least the first few chapters:

The Final Freedom

Summary wrote:Trapped in a preternatural killer's lair, Claes has to rely on newly-found allies to survive.


===

Edit to warn those following this story: while I have posted Chapter 5 just now, it is not the final chapter.  There was too much setup work.  I tried as much as I could to get it all in 5.1 chapters, but I had to spend more time setting up the set and mood because I'm trying to write horror.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Fri 22 Nov 2013 - 3:42

The Final Freedom is finally done. For a supposedly "short and simple" story, it kept getting longer and longer and ...

Let's just say that I am glad I don't have to look at it anymore.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Il Direttore on Fri 22 Nov 2013 - 11:16


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"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

- President John F. Kennedy
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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by tremec6speed on Fri 22 Nov 2013 - 19:43

Cool Story, a mystery and the government's multiple secret projects is a scary thought in itself. Happy to see Raballo alive.
Maybe the knowledge of the Icarus Project and the abuse of the children there as well as his own involvement with little Claes what  eventually pushed the agent to the fateful radio station? Was the Icarus Project abandoned as Eighteen started wiping everybody out, then keeping their souls trapped since she could not remember everything all at once?
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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 23 Nov 2013 - 11:38

Thanks. If the Icarus Project existed, that was just one base worth of death (as well as torture, mutilation, and other medical endeavours...)

Sadly, Project Icarus doesn't exist, so this doesn't fit in with the canon for why Raballo made his ill-fated and fatal choice. Or does it exist? Smile

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Mon 25 Nov 2013 - 23:06

I started Henrietta's Christmas story, A Gift Repaid.  TSM suggested I post a CC Christmas story per year.  I doubled up last year for Rico and Triela to make up for my first year.



Last edited by taerkitty on Fri 29 Nov 2013 - 13:54; edited 3 times in total

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by tremec6speed on Tue 26 Nov 2013 - 19:08

Great stuff! You have skills TK, of this, I have no doubt. Sweet Henrietta is all a dear, through an through. On Cloud 9 
Etta: "Do I have a voice now Uncle Olinto?"
Olinto Gasparotto: "I think so, yes. I definitely hear a little chick chirping."
Lines like these not only make a story come alive, but make the people within it, real. 
The crowd chants MOAR! 
head bang head bang
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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by PolosElite23 on Tue 26 Nov 2013 - 21:33

@tremec6speed wrote:Great stuff! You have skills TK, of this, I have no doubt. Sweet Henrietta is all a dear, through an through. On Cloud 9 
Etta: "Do I have a voice now Uncle Olinto?"
Olinto Gasparotto: "I think so, yes. I definitely hear a little chick chirping."
Lines like these not only make a story come alive, but make the people within it, real. 
The crowd chants MOAR! 
head bang head bang
Here here! head bang head bang

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In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sat 21 Dec 2013 - 22:40

Ok, so... thoughts on "A Gift Repaid"...

Rico set down her teacup and reached for the spoon. "I wonder if there's such a thing as too much sugar?"
Yes Rico, it's called "diabetes".


"...I'll be glad when it's over." Henrietta placed the teacup on the saucer with only the slightest click. "It will be the first time I'll be on a mission without Jose."
Though I presume Jose will be at least within cooee lest something of a cybernetic nature goes wrong.

Going by the two requiring more sugar, and some of the forgetfulness, I presume this is set later in their lives?


"I'm afraid so. For now, most candidates hire their own security. But, I need to look brave, so…"
Ahh, the wonderful game of politics.


"I'm curious, though. I would have expected you to, well, to not need sleep at all." Whether he sensed her discomfort, or he just wanted to continue the conversation, his words gave her that much-needed escape.

"I'm not a robot, Signore." She gave a small laugh. "I may be a cyborg, but I still need sleep." A yawn ended her sentence. "I'm just a girl, really."
This take on 'Etta seems a little more outgoing than the shy girl I tend to picture in my head, or is Olinto just good at making people feel comfortable, sort of his job as a politician. I dunno, could be a personal take though.

I do wonder how much he knows about the cyborg programme though, and how. I'm assuming he has some base knowledge of it, but nothing particularly specific?


And, as a citizen, shouldn't you have a voice in how this country is run?
Considering the cyborgs' standing in terms of personal rights, this is a (as much as I loathe the word) cute little back and forward between the two. I don't know how to describe it, but it's a very "normal" moment, the sort of back and forward you would expect from a favoured uncle making his niece (in the actual sense of the word, not the other one...) feel important and grown up.


Interesting start mate. I must admit, I'm not entirely sure on the characterisation for Henrietta. I've always pictured her as a bit shyer, and a bit more self-obsessed... I kind of picture her as actually being more interested in what she was getting than helping others, though the caveat at the end that she's thinking about peace for Jose kind of helps mitigate that latter. Either way, I shall be looking forward to seeing where you take this.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 15 Feb 2014 - 11:17

I may end up posting a chapter a year, seeing how this story fell flat.  Oh, well.

On an unrelated note, here's the start of Volume Three.  Yes, I've posted the cover in the Cover Art thread before, but I've finally posted the start of the first story in the volume, First Kill.


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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sat 22 Feb 2014 - 23:18

Ok, so... thoughts on First Kill (so far)...

Preface
Officially Priscilla's job title was intelligence analyst, but she did much more than that.
Yeah, somehow you get the impression that folks at the SWA have to do a bit more than whatever is directly in their job description... just to keep the wheels turning.


The pencil dropped. "You did what? Holy… You … Section Two… You're monsters!"

Priscilla narrowed her eyes, thinned her lips in a most unwelcoming grimace of a smile.
That, I think, is probably a thought that has run though the minds of most of the SWA's adult staff at one time or another.


As she brought her hand to her cover her mouth, the small, sealed evidence bag floated past her neckline into her blouse.
I honestly can't remember if we've seen what that bag contains before or not, but it's a nice set up, serving double duty to give us some Priscilla character time as well.


Chapter01
The Captain walked beside him, nodding. "Sometimes, this sort of dirty business pays poorly. Sometimes…"

After a low whistle, Paolo finished the thought. "Sometimes, it pays well. Very well."
I sometimes wonder if the big paycheck doesn't serve a dual purpose for the SWA. One, it's paying someone doing a hard job to keep their mouth shut.. but it's also a reminder that said person now belongs to the SWA.

"That which is given, can also be taken away."


"She's ready. Besides, she's trained with Claes. What did she have to say?"

"'Adequate.' That's all. 'Adequate.'"
Coming from Claes that could almost be a compliment.

Though, I guess, we've only ever really seen post re-write Claes in any real detail.


"They say the girl changes to suit her handler. Sometimes, they mirror. Other times, they complement."
This is still a concept that I like, it says a lot about the fratello relationship/dynamic within the series and how the conditioning effects the girls.

That said, I'm also a great believer that you can't develop a fratello (talking fancharacters now) without both parties. One might be more detailed than the other, or the story may lead with one or the other, but they can't be built independently... though I guess peoples' mileage may vary.


"I don't know. I mean, they don't look that dark.."

"Next Tuesday, Paolo."

With a fast-sinking heart, replied, "I don't know, Captain."
To be fair, that far out, I don't think the weather man knows either  Razz 



An iron grasp trapped his hand, and Paolo found himself being pulled to one side before either men could form a proper response.

"Uh, what is this about?"

"You must remember, this is her first real mission. And you chose a combat mission. The museum run was just another training run, and even that one didn't go as smoothly as you thought it would, did it?"
You know, it might be easier just to make Priss a handler and transfer Dina to her... at least that way she should just be her cyborg, rather than her cyborg that Paulo happens to be borrowing from time to time.


So far, so good mate. Looking forward to the rest.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sun 2 Mar 2014 - 7:21

Ok, so... Chapter02 of First Kill...
A few meters in front of them was the first run of stout white rope, strung a few centimeters above the ground, supported by wooden pegs to which they were tied, taped, and stapled. They ran in straight lines, describing large rectangles, smaller rectangles, but all of them adjacent to one another and with gaps cut in the rope at many of the common sides for rectangles laid out side-by-side.
I don't know if I'm just tired but, to be honest, I found this first paragraph confusing as all hell. I see what you were trying to do, but it could probably use some ironing in order to flow better. Perhaps something along the lines of:

"A few metres in front of them was the first run of stout white rope, strung just above the ground, supported by wooden pegs between which it was tied, taped and stapled into adjacent rectangles, large and small, cut-outs between them forming gaps in imaginary walls."

Right now you've a lot of repeated words, and have referred to "rope run" in the singular, but then refer to the layout with "they" rather than "it".

Otherwise, it's a good sequence. There's still the same sufferance of repeats, but the action flows well and clearly. I wasn't entirely sold on the use of Airsoft at the start, but it does serve to help contrast Jean and Rico later down the line.


In contrast to Dina, who stood in front of Paolo basking in his pride, Claes merely stopped moving, one hand still on her pistol.
I like how you're picking up the different fratello relationships here.


Raballo walked over to the cardboard starship captain...
What starship captain?

Actually, I got a chuckle out of the use of Kirk here, and I like the use of the store-bought cut-out as it gives a bit of a "make to and improvise" feel which I've always enjoyed. The SWA may have a big budget, but that doesn't mean it can afford to splash money around willy-nilly, or even has smooth systems set up.

That said: my first reaction was "what starship captain? I don't remember that." It could probably use some description first to help link the idea through for the reader. Maybe something like Raballo looking at the cardboard cut-out, inspecting the holes in its Starfleet uniform, and then build from there. Using Raballo's dialogue to actually name the character however works well.


When the run was over, the Captain Kirk figure had three holes in it that were slightly larger than the others.

As a smiling Rico skipped back over to the adults, Jean said by way of explanation, "I want her to be familiar with her CZ-75."

Rico joined them just as Jean turned around and started walking, so she merely fell in step.

To the wind, Jean added, "And I don't want her to use toys. That's why."
I like this portrayal of Jean, and again the contrast with the other characters. His personality tends to rub people up the wrong way, and the temptation seems to be strong to make him look like an idiot in a form of literary revenge, but I think that's at odds with him in the canon. Personal opinion of course, but here he's in control, his fratello is sorted and he's setting an example.


"Yes, Signorina Priscilla, I think I'm in love with Signore Jean."
Awkward... Bianchi's going to have a field day.


Intriguing chapter mate, I look forward to seeing how this plays out.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sun 6 Apr 2014 - 5:50

Chapter03 thoughts, spoilered as I note you've not posted the story here yet.

Spoiler:

"What if you did make Jean smile," Priscilla saw her opening. I don't think there's a chance of that, but if it will stop this… "He doesn't smile for Rico. If he were to smile for you, how would that make Rico feel?"
Well played Priss, well played.

I've got to say though: the only problem with big breaks between chapters is that it took me until the second read through to remember where Paulo was and what the overall situation had been. As a result, it also meant I didn't get that he was rattled from the phone call the first time though.


"I figured you would want to talk about what happened at the dry run."

"Hm?"

"With Jean."

"Oh." Paolo blinked. "He's field lead, right? I don't have a problem, then."
Ditto, to be honest, this exchange.

I'm probably not one to talk though, as I like to leave important details chapters and chapters ahead of when they're actually needed.


"Doctor Manfredi called."

"Time for your yearly again?"

"No, I did that before my interview here."

Raballo nodded and gave a soft grunt. "I'm guessing it's not good news."

"It's not bad. Yet, at least."

"If it does go that way, you know I can't cover for you like before."
Hmm, interesting turn of events... Did you ever make mention earlier that Paulo may be suffering some affliction? Again, it's been awhile since I read your earlier chapters, but I don't remember any hints being dropped.

On that note, and out of curiosity: was this something you were planning all along? Or something that has come out of a later need/idea/way of getting the story where you wanted it?


"No one here?"

Raballo shook his head. "No. She wouldn't work."

In spite of his mood, that brought a wan grin to Paolo. "It's that obvious, hm?"
Guess "she" won't be getting to make Dina her very own cyborg after all...

Nicely done as always mate: this certainly felt more polished than the last one through. Looking forward to the next.

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Warning: Not GSG Related

Post by taerKitty on Wed 23 Apr 2014 - 18:44

Sorry, TSM, but I started writing Daughters of Icarus.  It's original fiction, not related at all to Gunslinger Girl, but heavily and obviously inspired by it.

The Prologue is all I've typed up so far, and it can be found here:

https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3194213/1/Daughters-of-Icarus-Volume-1

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Thescarredman on Wed 23 Apr 2014 - 19:51

Read and reviewed, Kitty. Great stuff as always. Another strange coincidence: when was the last time you heard of a modern-day girl named Calliope? But I have one too, an OC in my Gen 13 series. Completely different character, but still.
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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Wed 23 Apr 2014 - 19:54

It's a possible plot hook.  I plan to eventually have them encounter another woman with a name from Greek mythology (Cali's mom is named Antigone), and by that commonality, it'll be revealed over time that they're related (Antigone's grandmother insisted all girls be named after Greek mythological creatures.)

Just a possibility.

===

Edit:

Thanks for the review.  Yes, I was trying to show that Times Are Tough, but not out-and-out say it.  There were more than enough "so-and-so-character knew that (random fact of story setting)" for my tastes.  I figure having a mother, a physician no less, being forced to share a bunk bed with her daughter would get show it without telling it.

===

Edit: 


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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 3 May 2014 - 20:54

And Chapter One is up

https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3194213/2/Daughters-of-Icarus-Volume-1

Dina and Paolo may be taking a bit of a forced vacation.  Sorry!

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Il Direttore on Sat 3 May 2014 - 21:00

Sometimes, a little change is important for your creativity. 

Oh geeze, Dennis' kids. You're ripping my heart out, as usual, with those little moments. I think we both agree on this sort of thing: the small things are the ones that stand out. You probably don't need to list their full names when mum greets them tho, it feels unnatural. I don't really follow where Dennis comes from, considering that you say "desert" and I say "Afghanistan, 2001". Perhaps a different locale would have been better? 

As for the balaclavas and guns: HOLY SHIT GET DOWN

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 3 May 2014 - 21:09

Re: Using full names (including middle name)

It is unnatural, but in a parent-playful way, or at least in a way that I've seen other parents employ (and I've been known to do it once or twice, too.)

===

Re: Desert sands

It actually said Saudi Arabia in there.  This is set in the future, so I postulated that King Fahd finally died, and that touched off a typical succession-war, with the Religious Police wanting one person, the western-favouring businessmen wanting another, etc.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Il Direttore on Sat 3 May 2014 - 21:13

Huh. Well okay then. I don't really understand the parents thing, but I'm 20 and have no children, so. 

Re: Desert: Ehh, call it bad reading? Personally, I've never had much faith in my reader to pick up stuff like that, so I prefer to convey impressions rather than actual concrete locations. Whatever then.

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"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

- President John F. Kennedy
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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 3 May 2014 - 21:28

Yeah, but in this case there's stuff that Matters and stuff that Doesn't Matter.  If I have stuff that Matters, then I try to highlight it, to make sure it's front and center at least once.

(Reading between the lines: which sand-strewn hellhole Conover was in Doesn't Matter. Smile )

===

I may change the parent-talks-like-that thing.  It's on FP, and my guess at the demographics there is mostly teens and young adults, not parents.  In that case, it doesn't matter if it's realistic or not, it matters if it sounds realistic or not.

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Alfisti on Sat 3 May 2014 - 23:32

@taerkitty wrote:I may change the parent-talks-like-that thing.  It's on FP, and my guess at the demographics there is mostly teens and young adults, not parents.  In that case, it doesn't matter if it's realistic or not, it matters if it sounds realistic or not.
Honestly, if my mother was using my middle name, it generally meant I was in some variety of trouble.  Razz

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 3 May 2014 - 23:34

I tell my daughter that's why she has three middle names, so we can escalate.  (No, it's because she has her Chinese name as her middle name, so that's two more words.)

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 4 May 2014 - 10:26

@Alfisti wrote:
@taerkitty wrote:I may change the parent-talks-like-that thing.  It's on FP, and my guess at the demographics there is mostly teens and young adults, not parents.  In that case, it doesn't matter if it's realistic or not, it matters if it sounds realistic or not.

Honestly, if my mother was using my middle name, it generally meant I was in some variety of trouble.  Razz

When Michele uses Kara's middle name, there is no "general" about her being in some variety of trouble. Wink

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sun 4 May 2014 - 10:43

Chapter two is now up:

https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3194213/3/Daughters-of-Icarus-Volume-1

I'm curious as to what you expected and what you got from this chapter.  (I've blabbed about Daughters of Icarus on and on in chat, so I'm pretty sure everyone knows what the story is about.)

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Il Direttore on Sun 4 May 2014 - 10:53

One slight grammatical issue aside, Shit. Shiiiiiiiit. Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT. 

So our options are: 

1) Dennis becomes the leader of the Icarus Division. 
2) Emily resurrects as a Daughter. 
3) Both. 

I don't know which one freaks me out more, honestly....

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sun 11 May 2014 - 13:50


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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Il Direttore on Sun 11 May 2014 - 16:15

....somewhat confused by this chapter. Need some more context, I think.

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- President John F. Kennedy
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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by Kiskaloo on Sun 11 May 2014 - 16:25

Made sense to me. *shrug*

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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Fri 16 May 2014 - 16:14

Here's a change of pace.  I don't feel like I am prolific enough to justify a separate thread, so here's my first drawing in a long time, and my first one coloured, even.  Done on my Surface Pro with Autodesk Sketchbook 6.


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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by tremec6speed on Sat 17 May 2014 - 13:00

Jean: Ok handlers, here it is, Introducing the new series of mecha girls:
'The Cyborg Seven', fully equipped with intro-focused, quadra-injector beams of pure rage an fury!!!!!
Victor: (looking at Marco) intro focused whah?
Marco: (shrugs) I'm just gonna smile and nod my head yes....
Seriously though, cool art man!  head bang
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Re: Story (and Picture!) Time with taerkitty

Post by taerKitty on Sat 17 May 2014 - 14:38

Thanks, but it's still got a long, long (long) way to go.

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