Polo's Notepad

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Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Mon 7 Oct 2013 - 23:53

Finally have my foot in the door. First story is up: 

Short Stories/Oneshots: 

The Late Night Kitchen Raid:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9747945/1/

The Teddy Bear:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10044738/1/The-Teddy-Bear 

Longer Works:

Sardinia Arc:

Sedition in Sardinia: 
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10221807/1/Sedition-in-Sardinia



Updates and new stories will be given a new post. First chapters will get an entry on this post.


Last edited by PolosElite23 on Sun 1 Mar 2015 - 22:31; edited 4 times in total (Reason for editing : Adding stories)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Alfisti on Tue 8 Oct 2013 - 7:00

Solid start mate... more thoughts to come when I get a moment.

In the meantime though, the thing that really stuck out to me on the first pass was, particularly in the early parts of the story, you've started a lot of sentences with the word "she", and right through it tends to be that, "Sierra" or occasionally "girl". I don't know about others, but for me, if a word is repeated a lot I start to automatically emphasise it, which throws the pace and tone of the writing... so it is worth during writing or editing (generally both), trying to iron those out. From a writer's perspective, that can be a complete pain in the posterior, but it's worth spending the time on.

There's a couple of ways to do it that spring to mind:

The first is to change things up a bit more frequently, so find other ways of describing the person in question. You've made a good start by varying between her name, "girl" etc. "Cyborg" is another obvious choice, "young miscreant" possibly in this particular case Razz . Going back to a bit of what was said in the "on writing" thread: the choice of descriptor can help set the scene, or even be used to say something about the characters in question or their views on the world. For example, when I'm writing, Danilo never uses (or at least, I try to avoid having him use) the word "girl" to describe a cyborg, or any other which may humanise them. He does however use things like "unit". Conversely, at least in my own writing, "partner" is a descriptor reserved exclusively for use between Jethro and Monty, thanks to its double meaning.

The other way is to restructure sentences to remove the need for the use of things like "she". So, for example, instead of:
She started down the hall, towards the stairs. She kept in the shadows, hugging the wall. She alertly listened for the night patrol...
You could possibly use something like: "She started down the hall, toward the stairs, keeping in shadow and hugging the wall. Pausing, the young miscreant listened for the night patrol..."

Not a perfect example, but suddenly three uses of the same word in close proximity has been reduced to one.

As a side note: can we not copy and paste out of ff.net anymore? Because that's insanely annoying.

As I said before: more thoughts to come later. Good start though mate, I look forward to seeing where you take it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Tue 8 Oct 2013 - 16:54

Thanks Alfisti. The pronoun thing (he, she, ect.) is something I keep having problems with. Best if I start to work on it now. And thanks for the tips. Any more thoughts are appreciated.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Il Direttore on Tue 8 Oct 2013 - 18:27

Well, I've already told you my thoughts on the story with regards to descriptions and atmosphere, but: 

@Alfisti wrote:As a side note: can we not copy and paste out of ff.net anymore? Because that's insanely annoying.
You can right click and "view page source" to do it still. Just... nothing is formatted anymore.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

- President John F. Kennedy
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by tremec6speed on Tue 8 Oct 2013 - 23:24

Fun read, cool! Smile
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Thescarredman on Wed 9 Oct 2013 - 0:12

Heh. I'm imagining a trio of hungry girls - Sierra, Bice, and Ayden - staging a 'Madagascar Penguins'-style op and carrying off armloads of snacks to stash in their rooms.

Nice intro. Could have been twice as long, especially in the opening scene. Watch your grammar, spelling, and punctuation - it's always worth another read-through to catch one more error. Good action description. Since she's being sneaky, and her senses are cranked up to max, likely, how about a little more description of her surroundings as she slinks from her room to the kitchen?

Enough crit. I liked it, and would like to see more of your work, Carry on.
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Wed 9 Oct 2013 - 8:14

@Thescarredman wrote:Heh. I'm imagining a trio of hungry girls - Sierra, Bice, and Ayden - staging a 'Madagascar Penguins'-style op and carrying off armloads of snacks to stash in their rooms.

Nice intro. Could have been twice as long, especially in the opening scene. Watch your grammar, spelling, and punctuation - it's always worth another read-through to catch one more error. Good action description. Since she's being sneaky, and her senses are cranked up to max, likely, how about a little more description of her surroundings as she slinks from her room to the kitchen?

Enough crit. I liked it, and would like to see more of your work, Carry on.
Thanks, always looking for a little crit! Friendly crit is always good. Glad you liked it.

And thanks for the read Tremec6peed.

Hopefully have a longer story out soon (still a short story).

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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PolosElite23

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Alfisti on Mon 21 Oct 2013 - 2:38

Ok so, as promised, on with the show:

Sierra grimaced and rolled over in her bunk. Her stomach hurt like hell.

Not from an illness nor from some painful wound, rather it was the result of a lack of food.
It might just be the way I read, but this feels like it should be one paragraph to me, probably with the second line running on from the sentence prior. Either that, or bulk out the front end of the second line a little, something maybe like "That was not the result of illness, nor some painful wound either..." Right now it doesn't quite feel like enought o warrant its own line.


Sierra was most defiantly not asleep.
Definitely?


She snuck under the surveillance cameras and barrel rolled into brush to avoid being spotted. Several night guards were out patrolling the SWA's compound, keeping it free of any unwanted guests and making sure that the girls were not out and about late at night.
I'll be honest here: I can't help but imagine her actually completely failing to stay off the cameras, and the blokes in the monitoring station absolutely pissing themselves laughing at her antics sweat 


She pulled some cheese, some jelly, and a bottle of lemonade from the storage unit...
Bit nitpicky, but "jelly" is a fairly specific Americanism for jam. For those of us outside the US (or at least for me), using it tends to immediatly kill the sensation that this is happening in Italy.

As a general rule of thumb, unless you're intentionally utilising it to help portray a character (so, for example, I have Jethro and Monty both use Britishisms, and they think in imperial measures rather than the European standard metric), it's a good idea to try and avoid using any words that are specific to a particular derivative of English. If Sierra has an Irish handler, then I don't think she could have picked up "jelly" anywhere. Sometimes you just miss things mind, but it's worth keeping in the back of your head.


Donald smiled, "You're welcome stór. Though I think we'll need to run those excess calories you just took in. A nice ten kilometer run tomorrow should suffice."
Minor infraction, minor punishment... you're doing a pretty good job of starting to build Donald in the reader's mind, probably better than, to be honest, Sierra is forming.


As I said before, a good start. My previous comment about repeated pronouns still stands, and probably goes for repeated words in general (three "hallways" in the same number of sentences?). That however is just a matter of changing up the descriptors and learing and trying different sentence structures.

Good stuff mate, keep it up and keep writing: practice makes perfect and we're always learning.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Mon 21 Oct 2013 - 8:54

@Alfisti wrote:Ok so, as promised, on with the show:

Sierra grimaced and rolled over in her bunk. Her stomach hurt like hell.

Not from an illness nor from some painful wound, rather it was the result of a lack of food.
It might just be the way I read, but this feels like it should be one paragraph to me, probably with the second line running on from the sentence prior. Either that, or bulk out the front end of the second line a little, something maybe like "That was not the result of illness, nor some painful wound either..." Right now it doesn't quite feel like enought o warrant its own line.
I'll keep that in mind






@Alfisti wrote:
She snuck under the surveillance cameras and barrel rolled into brush to avoid being spotted. Several night guards were out patrolling the SWA's compound, keeping it free of any unwanted guests and making sure that the girls were not out and about late at night.
I'll be honest here: I can't help but imagine her actually completely failing to stay off the cameras, and the blokes in the monitoring station absolutely pissing themselves laughing at her antics sweat 
Most likely sweat Prety funny to think about in my opinion lol.
@Alfisti wrote:
She pulled some cheese, some jelly, and a bottle of lemonade from the storage unit...
Bit nitpicky, but "jelly" is a fairly specific Americanism for jam. For those of us outside the US (or at least for me), using it tends to immediatly kill the sensation that this is happening in Italy.

As a general rule of thumb, unless you're intentionally utilising it to help portray a character (so, for example, I have Jethro and Monty both use Britishisms, and they think in imperial measures rather than the European standard metric), it's a good idea to try and avoid using any words that are specific to a particular derivative of English. If Sierra has an Irish handler, then I don't think she could have picked up "jelly" anywhere. Sometimes you just miss things mind, but it's worth keeping in the back of your head.
Didn't know that. You learn new thinsg everyday.

Thanks for the Review. It helps.


Last edited by PolosElite23 on Mon 21 Oct 2013 - 8:57; edited 3 times in total (Reason for editing : The post thingy isn't working right -_-)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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PolosElite23

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Fri 24 Jan 2014 - 11:08

New story out. Second of my introductions of my OCs.

The Teddy Bear

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
avatar
PolosElite23

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Forum Posts : 914

Location : Ohio, USA

Fan of : Triela, Hillshire, and Angelica

Original Characters : Various

Comments : A journey of a lifetime starts with a blinking cursor.

Registration date : 2013-06-05

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Alfisti on Sat 25 Jan 2014 - 8:38

Nice mate, you're certainly improving, and glad to see you're still writing.

More in-depth thoughts (and a more thorough read) when I get a spare moment, but just off the top of my head for now:

When you're changing scenes, such as where you swap from Bianchi to Mitch, it's worth throwing in a line break to alert the reader. Otherwise it is probably going to take them a couple of lines to realise what has happened, and that can be jarring or off putting for said reader as they recalibrate.

Otherwise, you certainly seem to be cleaning up and smoothing out your writing style, and you're also doing a good job of picking up Cassie's personality, as well as keeping true with those of the canon girls. Great stuff.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Alfisti on Wed 12 Feb 2014 - 5:40

So, as promised, more thoughts...
"Hi Claes!" she beamed in greeting.
Nitpick, and one that tripped me up a lot: capital "s" here. Cassie can't beam "Hi Claes" (unless, I guess, she's operating the comm panel on some form of starcruiser)... what she can do though is beam in greeting, whilst she's saying it. The two are seperate actions and so need to be seperated.


"A book on Russian geography."

"Why?"

"Because it caught my eye," Claes said casting a glance at the younger girl.
Claes doesn't need a reason to read a book, she just reads it because it's there.


Claes nodded before turning back to her book, "Triela should be-"

The door handle turned.

"-getting back any moment now."
I actually thought this was Triela finishing off Claes' sentence as she entered the first time I read it through. I don't know what the accepted norm is, but I'm used to seeing elipsies used to trail from one sentence into another.


An older blond girl forced the door open with her hip, her hands holding a full laundry basket. She looked in slight confusion at Cassie standing in the middle of the room holding the bear up to her for inspection.
This could use something to smooth the two sentences. There's nothing wrong in a technical sense but... it kind of feels like it could use something to get Triela between the two actions of entering and looking at Cassie. Personally, I keep wanting to read "Pausing, she looked...".


Triela smiled as she pulled the door shut with her foot, walked over to the bunk bed and placed the laundry basket down onto the bottom bunk, "That's nice, what is its name?"
Again, Triela's actions don't pertain to what she's saying, so that comma after bunk should be a full stop. I'm not going to try and pick up each one of these, not least because my own grasp of grammar and punctuation is not as good as it probably should be. Vett is the man to talk to, or at least someone with more technical grounding.

As an aside: I'm not certain if Triela would refer to the bear as "it", she's always struck me as more the type to refer to them the same way as you would people, so "what is his/her name"... or at least "their" if she's trying to avoid using a gender specific pronoun.


"Claes hasn't been baking lately, she says she's been studying something.
I'm not curious as to whether this will have some impact farther down the line.


Henrietta hummed, "I think I remember Jose teaching me a long time ago...But I really can't remember."
"Pinky out" I imagine.  Razz 

Well, at least we know Cass can be observant of those around her... at least in terms of observing their physical actions.


The little cyborg tottered out of the room and through the halls.

Triela put her hand on her hip and shook her head as she watched her leave. She'll be a fun one to take care of.

Cassie skipped through the dorm and out into the courtyard towards the administrative building at the SWA. She noticed Priscilla talking animatedly with Olga and two handlers and skipped over to them.
Okay, here's a bit of what I was talking about before with linebreaks and the like. Between the line about Triela and the last paragraph where you start back with Cassie, there needs to be a linebreak, or some means of breaking this up as you're changing scenes. Think about it this way: if this were a TV show, it probably would have faded to black there.


"Lookin' for Mitch. Jason said you two were talkin'."
Somewhere between the beginning of this chapter and the end, Cassie has started leaving the "g" off the end of things. Along with the "I gets real lonely" later, etc, it makes her sound, well, sound Southern. I don't know if that was intentional or not but...


Bianchi huffed to himself and pulled several folders and binders from his bookshelf. He was to inform the director and several of the chief medical staff of the mental states of the cyborgs.
That last sentence kind of feels like it needs some personal comment from Bianchi after it... to explain why he huffed prior. Something like "...but he was damned if he knew where he was supposed to find the time for all of them".

Also, linebreak between this and Mitch's sentence below as you're again making a large jump of scene.


What have I gotten into?
I think most handlers have probably asked themselves this at one time or another...


Nicely done mate. As noted before, your writing style is smoothing out... there's still some word double ups etc, but it's much better than last time.

You're also doing a great job of making Cassie come across as a young child. She's first generation I take it? About ten? Either way, the characterisation is great.

Overall, good stuff, I look forward to the next one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Il Direttore on Wed 12 Feb 2014 - 5:51

I feel like I either reviewed this already or told you my impressions in person. If so, good. If not, you should tell me and I'll put my more complete thoughts in here.

In any case, Alfi's commentary made me think of something: 


@PolosElite23 wrote:"An older blond girl forced the door open with her hip, her hands holding a full laundry basket. She looked in slight confusion at Cassie standing in the middle of the room holding the bear up to her for inspection."



^ This paragraph is actually a good example of when to spend more time writing, rather than defaulting to brevity. If you spend time going over the sounds, more specification of details, and more specification of actions being taken, you can dramatically increase the dosage of characterization you can cram into one paragraph. 

So, perhaps describe the way Cassie gets from bedside to Triela, maybe switch perspective briefly to describe Triela's "Uh... hi?" more closely, etc.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

- President John F. Kennedy
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Wed 12 Feb 2014 - 16:22

@Alfisti wrote:So, as promised, more thoughts...
"Hi Claes!" she beamed in greeting.
Nitpick, and one that tripped me up a lot: capital "s" here. Cassie can't beam "Hi Claes" (unless, I guess, she's operating the comm panel on some form of starcruiser)... what she can do though is beam in greeting, whilst she's saying it. The two are seperate actions and so need to be seperated.

I'll keep that in mind. Maybe switch it to more of a: 


Cassie beamed in greeting. "Hi Claes!"
 Next time?

@Alfisti wrote:
"A book on Russian geography."

"Why?"

"Because it caught my eye," Claes said casting a glance at the younger girl.
Claes doesn't need a reason to read a book, she just reads it because it's there.

This is true, but I think her line of thought might be: "Oh I haven't read this one yet." Hence it had caught her eye.

@Alfisti wrote:
Claes nodded before turning back to her book, "Triela should be-"

The door handle turned.

"-getting back any moment now."
I actually thought this was Triela finishing off Claes' sentence as she entered the first time I read it through. I don't know what the accepted norm is, but I'm used to seeing elipsies used to trail from one sentence into another.

😓sorry about that. Maybe I should have made that all one line?

@Alfisti wrote:
An older blond girl forced the door open with her hip, her hands holding a full laundry basket. She looked in slight confusion at Cassie standing in the middle of the room holding the bear up to her for inspection.
This could use something to smooth the two sentences. There's nothing wrong in a technical sense but... it kind of feels like it could use something to get Triela between the two actions of entering and looking at Cassie. Personally, I keep wanting to read "Pausing, she looked...".

I probably should have added more. For most of this I was focusing on dialogue over description. Left it bare in that area.

@Alfisti wrote:
Triela smiled as she pulled the door shut with her foot, walked over to the bunk bed and placed the laundry basket down onto the bottom bunk, "That's nice, what is its name?"
Again, Triela's actions don't pertain to what she's saying, so that comma after bunk should be a full stop. I'm not going to try and pick up each one of these, not least because my own grasp of grammar and punctuation is not as good as it probably should be. Vett is the man to talk to, or at least someone with more technical grounding.

As an aside: I'm not certain if Triela would refer to the bear as "it", she's always struck me as more the type to refer to them the same way as you would people, so "what is his/her name"... or at least "their" if she's trying to avoid using a gender specific pronoun.

sweat Well, maybe your right. Break it up more I guess? Describe what she's doing and then get to what she says in another paragraph?

I'll keep that in mind.

@Alfisti wrote:
"Claes hasn't been baking lately, she says she's been studying something.
I'm not curious as to whether this will have some impact farther down the line.

I like to leave little clues to other ideas I have scattered around...

@Alfisti wrote:
Henrietta hummed, "I think I remember Jose teaching me a long time ago...But I really can't remember."
"Pinky out" I imagine.  Razz 

Well, at least we know Cass can be observant of those around her... at least in terms of observing their physical actions.

Of course Alfisti! She absolutely must be civil! Jose wants her to be a normal girl, right? :p

She's curious, and a bit observant. I've got her pegged as a bit of a people watcher. 

@Alfisti wrote:
The little cyborg tottered out of the room and through the halls.

Triela put her hand on her hip and shook her head as she watched her leave. She'll be a fun one to take care of.

Cassie skipped through the dorm and out into the courtyard towards the administrative building at the SWA. She noticed Priscilla talking animatedly with Olga and two handlers and skipped over to them.
Okay, here's a bit of what I was talking about before with linebreaks and the like. Between the line about Triela and the last paragraph where you start back with Cassie, there needs to be a linebreak, or some means of breaking this up as you're changing scenes. Think about it this way: if this were a TV show, it probably would have faded to black there.

...Linebreaks...I remember those. I tend to forget to add them in the FFN editor. My computer doesn't seem to like to put them in. They end up everywhere!

@Alfisti wrote:
"Lookin' for Mitch. Jason said you two were talkin'."
Somewhere between the beginning of this chapter and the end, Cassie has started leaving the "g" off the end of things. Along with the "I gets real lonely" later, etc, it makes her sound, well, sound Southern. I don't know if that was intentional or not but...

Mmm, more like imitating a younger child. I understand where you're going with it. I think I may have gotten inconsistent with her dialogue, I wrote the parts at different times. Originally it was much shorter.

@Alfisti wrote:
Bianchi huffed to himself and pulled several folders and binders from his bookshelf. He was to inform the director and several of the chief medical staff of the mental states of the cyborgs.
That last sentence kind of feels like it needs some personal comment from Bianchi after it... to explain why he huffed prior. Something like "...but he was damned if he knew where he was supposed to find the time for all of them".

Also, linebreak between this and Mitch's sentence below as you're again making a large jump of scene.

...Yes line breaks...

@Alfisti wrote:
What have I gotten into?
I think most handlers have probably asked themselves this at one time or another...


Nicely done mate. As noted before, your writing style is smoothing out... there's still some word double ups etc, but it's much better than last time.

You're also doing a great job of making Cassie come across as a young child. She's first generation I take it? About ten? Either way, the characterisation is great.

Overall, good stuff, I look forward to the next one.

Thanks. Mitch is kind of a "Hillshire Case". He doesn't really want to be there, but he really doesn't have a choice. 

@Il Direttore wrote:I feel like I either reviewed this already or told you my impressions in person. If so, good. If not, you should tell me and I'll put my more complete thoughts in here.

Nope, neither. Fire away!

@Il Direttore wrote:In any case, Alfi's commentary made me think of something: 

@PolosElite23 wrote:"An older blond girl forced the door open with her hip, her hands holding a full laundry basket. She looked in slight confusion at Cassie standing in the middle of the room holding the bear up to her for inspection."

^ This paragraph is actually a good example of when to spend more time writing, rather than defaulting to brevity. If you spend time going over the sounds, more specification of details, and more specification of actions being taken, you can dramatically increase the dosage of characterization you can cram into one paragraph. 

So, perhaps describe the way Cassie gets from bedside to Triela, maybe switch perspective briefly to describe Triela's "Uh... hi?" more closely, etc.

Yeah, I was focusing on dialogue too much. I'll have to work more description in next time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Il Direttore on Wed 12 Feb 2014 - 16:42

For the sake of discussion, I'll dump the review into here: 

Alfi's done a line by line, and personally I'd rather not do that unless we're talking about actual editing work prior to release. 

The good things are the fairly excellent characterization and good pacing As a story, it all flows naturally and the characters generally come off as people and not dolls or caricatures. You've got a good grasp of these basic elements of a story, so you should be okay moving forward from here. 

I would argue, however, that you could stand to experiment with taking a more first-person view of the third-person. By this I mean writing in the third-person, but describing actions and observations from a first-person point of view. Choose a character and describe things from their eyes and ears (and skin and nose, as relevant), going into as much detail as you can reasonably expect that character to pay attention to. Also keep in mind that different people focus on different things, and which person you choose will also be important. I can provide an example later, if you want, but the general idea is that you can combine characterization with dialogue and description, neatly tying everything into a bow.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

- President John F. Kennedy
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Alfisti on Thu 13 Feb 2014 - 5:40

Cassie beamed in greeting. "Hi Claes!"
Next time?
That certainly works, yes.


😓sorry about that. Maybe I should have made that all one line?
No, I think it terms of playing the scene out the order you have there is fine. I just would have used elipsies rather than dashes as it's a more standard sign of something being left unfinished or picked up partway through. Unfortunately, I don't really have any better way of tying the two together.


I probably should have added more. For most of this I was focusing on dialogue over description. Left it bare in that area.
It could have used some fleshing out yes. Remember, a conversation isn't just the dialogue, but also the things left unsaid, the context and what the participants are doing at the time. Someone standing and talking directly to someone else is having a different conversation to the same pair, say, cooking dinner while they talk. Moreover, letting actions run through the sequence help break up the talk some, gives a sense of time/rhythem, and help keep the reader grounded in what is going on.

Usually when I'm writing dialogue I try to have my characters doing something else at the same time, even if it's something really simple like eating breakfast or stripping a firearm (or not, as the case my be: Monty can talk and work, Raych tends to forget she was supposed to be doing something). Having something happen through a conversation is also quite a nice way of showing a little slice of life, without actually having to spell it out. Describing breakfast or someone taking a firearm apart for the simple purpose of passing on the information gets insanely boring for the reader very quickly. Weaving it through a conversation though still lets you show those things without technically needing to dedicate a scene to them.


Well, maybe your right. Break it up more I guess? Describe what she's doing and then get to what she says in another paragraph?

I'll keep that in mind.
*you're

In this particular case (at least from a stylisic perspective, I don't know if there's a written rule here) it's probably a bit six of one, half a dozen of the other as to whether you split the dialoge into a new line or just swap that comma to a full stop (as an aside, it's interesting trying to discuss this as it's forcing me to sit down and consider stuff that I normally just gut-feel). I would say it really depends on what you're picturing in your head: if you're picturing Triela talking as she carries out the actions, then I would leave it on the same line. If she's completing the actions and then talking, I would split it off... I guess whichever feels more correct for what you're trying to achieve?

Either way, as there is no "said", "replied", etc in there, it does need to be a full stop.


...Linebreaks...I remember those. I tend to forget to add them in the FFN editor. My computer doesn't seem to like to put them in. They end up everywhere!
The FFN doc editor is shocking for picking up linebreaks. I tend to physically write in LINEBREAK, in bold, and then insert them manually in the editor myself once the document is uploaded. That also gives me a chance to final-check formatting and the like too (insofar as you can on ff.net).


Mmm, more like imitating a younger child. I understand where you're going with it. I think I may have gotten inconsistent with her dialogue, I wrote the parts at different times. Originally it was much shorter.
Then you probably need to spend some more time in editing...

Out of curiosity, how old is Cass supposed to be?


@Il Direttore wrote:I would argue, however, that you could stand to experiment with taking a more first-person view of the third-person. By this I mean writing in the third-person, but describing actions and observations from a first-person point of view. Choose a character and describe things from their eyes and ears (and skin and nose, as relevant), going into as much detail as you can reasonably expect that character to pay attention to. Also keep in mind that different people focus on different things, and which person you choose will also be important. I can provide an example later, if you want, but the general idea is that you can combine characterization with dialogue and description, neatly tying everything into a bow.
ID's got a point here to: picking a PoV for a scene and sticking with it makes it easier to get a character's voice across, give the reader an idea of how they think, what they see and their general mode of looking at/interracting with the world. This can be insanely frustrating at times too mind. One thing I miss about Jethro+Monty when writng Danilo and Raych is that the latter are not the types to drink in the world around them, nor would they have the vocabulary to describe it in a pleasing manner should they try, so I can't wax-lyrical about what is around them. They also tend to have fairly set thought processes: in my last chapter I loved writing Chiara because, for the first time since finishing AtAC, I finally got to write someone who could observe, think and assess again, and I didn't have to sit there letting things go over their head.  Razz

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Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Thu 27 Mar 2014 - 17:36

Sedition in Sardinia is out: 
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10221807/1/Sedition-in-Sardinia

Its a planned multi-chapter arc that may carry into several contained stories.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by taerKitty on Thu 3 Apr 2014 - 22:02

Sorry I missed this.  Bumping the thread in case others missed it as well.

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Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Alfisti on Sat 5 Apr 2014 - 23:48

So, thoughts on Sardinia CH01.
"How the hell is this comfortable?"

Sally opened a lazy baby blue eye that twinkled with mischief, "It doesn't, I'm just use to sleeping wherever."
Uhh, "isn't" and "used", I presume?


Big as in Donald had been tracking this guy down for months.
Nothing like knowing how much work has gone in to put the pressure on.


generation X
I presume we'll get some explanation later down the track as to what a generation X is? A Gen 2 prototype? Seeing as she seems to be more experienced than her Gen02 sister.


"Donald, if you feel it is that big of a problem you have two weeks to investigate. If your investigation turns up something that requires attention I'll put you on it. Dismissed."

Donald was ushered out with a hand wave. Nodding he left, smiling.
Started high and let the Chief pick the time period he actually wanted?


Throwing her door open and diving under her bed to pull her suitcase out. The small one.

She pulled open her drawers and began tossing items in, pressing them against herself before tossing them in.
The first sentence here feels incomplete, like she's gotten half way though an action without finishing it. Honestly, I think if you threw comas either side of "the small one" rather than full stops and made it one sentence it would make more sense... if need a bit of ironing to read neatly.


"Who's your handler?"

That got him a glare. Everyone should know who her handler was.

He must be new.
Still recently enough activated to not have found out that, just because her handler is the centre of her world, he may not be for anyone else.


Life was boring, unless you were on a mission or had something to do or someone to talk to. Then it was interesting. Until it was over, then it was boring again. Boring before, boring after.
An interesting line, and it tells us a bit about Sierra too: how she relates to the world and those around her. I take it she is more of an extroverted person, and someone who needs outside stimulus to keep her interested and entertained, rather than someone who will keep themselves occupied.


He had thought a an hour would be enough time, seems he was wrong.
Is this meant to be "an hour" or "half an hour"? We don't know much of Donald yet, could it be that he told his cyborg half an hour expecting it would take her an hour?


Not a bad start mate, it's done a good job of setting up for the rest of the story. Structurally you still seem to be having issues with getting the writing to flow (at least to my eye), and particularly with repeated words/starting consecutive sentences too similarly. Repetition can be a great tool, but if you're doing it by accident it can start to put the reader's emphasis where you don't want it. Sometimes it takes some restructuring to do: I know I will rearrange whole paragraphs in order to avoid using a word twice... so maybe it's just me.  Razz

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Il Direttore on Sun 6 Apr 2014 - 0:03

I figure it's probably just a question of getting used to putting words on paper. Pez has a good thing going, so I expect that he'll be able to figure things out with enough practice. There are several instances where the writing pulls off the Impact Drop quite well, after all.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

- President John F. Kennedy
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Alfisti on Sun 6 Apr 2014 - 0:55

@Il Direttore wrote:I figure it's probably just a question of getting used to putting words on paper. Pez has a good thing going, so I expect that he'll be able to figure things out with enough practice. There are several instances where the writing pulls off the Impact Drop quite well, after all.
I never said he didn't, and I would agree that most of what I've brought up can be ironed out with practice. However, personally, I generally prefer it that people point out any issues in my own work, it makes it easier for me to fix (or, at least, attempt to fix) them, it's just a matter of taking a step back and not letting your ego get in the way, so I try to extend others the same courtesy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Il Direttore on Sun 6 Apr 2014 - 1:07

Sure, sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything. I was basically agreeing with you, but I guess I failed at words this time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

- President John F. Kennedy
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Mon 7 Apr 2014 - 11:10

@Alfisti wrote:So, thoughts on Sardinia CH01.
That was a pain in the butt to edit up...I can't see the darn text on the school computers unless I highlight it.

"How the hell is this comfortable?"

Sally opened a lazy baby blue eye that twinkled with mischief, "It doesn't, I'm just use to sleeping wherever."
Uhh, "isn't" and "used", I presume?

How did I....I completely missed the "dosen't" there...woops.

As for "use" I accidentally used some local slangish kind of thing here... "I use to" and "I used to" mean almost the same, You just dropp the d sound for the first. I write how I hear characters "talk" in my head. Their voices and how they go about saying things, sometimes it can get me in to trouble spelling and grammer waise. sweat

@Alfisti wrote:
Big as in Donald had been tracking this guy down for months.
Nothing like knowing how much work has gone in to put the pressure on.

No kidding Razz that was the goal.

@Alfisti wrote:
generation X
I presume we'll get some explanation later down the track as to what a generation X is? A Gen 2 prototype? Seeing as she seems to be more experienced than her Gen02 sister.

Yes and no. I'll explain the Gen X program once Sarah and Sally take a more...central role in plot, so to speak.

@Alfisti wrote:
"Donald, if you feel it is that big of a problem you have two weeks to investigate. If your investigation turns up something that requires attention I'll put you on it. Dismissed."

Donald was ushered out with a hand wave. Nodding he left, smiling.
Started high and let the Chief pick the time period he actually wanted?

That and the fact he'd convinced Lorenzo to let him go. My interpretation of the Social Welfare Agency leaves them streached out and over extended, chasing a lead or idea that may bring nothing is a risk with the Agency strained as it is.

@Alfisti wrote:
Throwing her door open and diving under her bed to pull her suitcase out. The small one.

She pulled open her drawers and began tossing items in, pressing them against herself before tossing them in.
The first sentence here feels incomplete, like she's gotten half way though an action without finishing it. Honestly, I think if you threw comas either side of "the small one" rather than full stops and made it one sentence it would make more sense... if need a bit of ironing to read neatly.

I'll keep that in mind. It may be mores a stylistic choice. I was emphising that she purpously went for the small one.

@Alfisti wrote:
"Who's your handler?"

That got him a glare. Everyone should know who her handler was.

He must be new.
Still recently enough activated to not have found out that, just because her handler is the centre of her world, he may not be for anyone else.

Doesn't mean she wouldn't feel that way, and being new she probably doesn't fully realize this. Subtle hints at how inexperienced and new she is. I crack her open in the next chapter. Its fun.

@Alfisti wrote:
Life was boring, unless you were on a mission or had something to do or someone to talk to. Then it was interesting. Until it was over, then it was boring again. Boring before, boring after.
An interesting line, and it tells us a bit about Sierra too: how she relates to the world and those around her. I take it she is more of an extroverted person, and someone who needs outside stimulus to keep her interested and entertained, rather than someone who will keep themselves occupied.

Was the impression I was hoping to give, though its taking a bit to round her out more, I like the direction she's heading.

@Alfisti wrote:
He had thought a an hour would be enough time, seems he was wrong.
Is this meant to be "an hour" or "half an hour"? We don't know much of Donald yet, could it be that he told his cyborg half an hour expecting it would take her an hour?

I think he told her she had a hour to get her things and get out to the car. :/ I could be remembering wrong.

@Alfisti wrote:
Not a bad start mate, it's done a good job of setting up for the rest of the story. Structurally you still seem to be having issues with getting the writing to flow (at least to my eye), and particularly with repeated words/starting consecutive sentences too similarly. Repetition can be a great tool, but if you're doing it by accident it can start to put the reader's emphasis where you don't want it. Sometimes it takes some restructuring to do: I know I will rearrange whole paragraphs in order to avoid using a word twice... so maybe it's just me.  Razz

For the first time, my major problem has been flow. Pacing and Flowtend to be sound, grammer and discription suffering...but seems flipped at the moment. sweat aw well. Thanks for the review. Next chap out soon.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Alfisti on Tue 8 Apr 2014 - 23:03

As for "use" I accidentally used some local slangish kind of thing here... "I use to" and "I used to" mean almost the same, You just dropp the d sound for the first. I write how I hear characters "talk" in my head. Their voices and how they go about saying things, sometimes it can get me in to trouble spelling and grammer waise.
Fair enough, just be aware that, particularly in instances like this, it can be taken as a spelling error. The other alternative is to put an apostrophe where the missing letter should be.

As an aside, an probably not entirely relevant to this particular instance, but while slang is fine to use and a great way to help build characters, you also need to be careful of not dropping into slang foreign to the locale/character you're writing. That's especially true if there's no logical source for the speaker to have picked that slang up from. It's an easy trap to fall into: I know I once had Monty (or Jethro, I can't remember which it was now) refer to a particlar type of crane as a "Franna"... which I only found out later is a term and design pretty much unique to Australia.

It's a fine line to walk, as particular slang is also a fast way of getting a situation across. I know Robert quite effectively gave a street kid Jose was interracting with Cockney mannerisims, desite being in Rome. The slang was out of place, but it quickly got the message across that "Jose has just paid an urchin to run an errand for him".


My interpretation of the Social Welfare Agency leaves them streached out and over extended, chasing a lead or idea that may bring nothing is a risk with the Agency strained as it is.
Sounds pretty similar to my own take on it, and certainly a more interesting one than having unlimited funds and people.


Throwing her door open and diving under her bed to pull her suitcase out. The small one.
I'll keep that in mind. It may be mores a stylistic choice. I was emphising that she purpously went for the small one.
Either way, I'm still fairly certain the first sentence is not complete. If you seperate the sentence out by itself, without anything after it, it does not read as finished. Had it read, for example, "Throwing her door open she dove under the bed to pull her suitcase out. The small one." or "Throwing the door open and diving under her bed she pulled her suitcase out. The small one." it would work in the two parts. As it is however, the first sentence needs something after it to feel complete.

I'm not a technical enough writer to be able to give a hard gramatical reason though, Vett is a better person to talk to there.


I think he told her she had a hour to get her things and get out to the car. :/ I could be remembering wrong.
I remember reading half, but it's your story so it doesn't really matter. Either way, the "a an" was the bit that needed sorting.  Razz


Last edited by Alfisti on Tue 8 Apr 2014 - 23:13; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Il Direttore on Tue 8 Apr 2014 - 23:11

Actually, Alfi, you're correct about the grammar there. "Throwing" is in the past perfect, I think, and the subject "her" does not agree with that verb. 

Then again, I'm making that judgment based off of half-remembered German. I have no idea about English grammar, which is ironic. The point is, though, that the subject-verb agreement there is definitely not happening.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

- President John F. Kennedy
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Thu 10 Apr 2014 - 11:12

*throws hands up in air* I'll fix it later!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Sun 6 Jul 2014 - 22:31

I write poems from time to time. I know that generally isn't a focus of people, but I figured I'd toss in my FictionPress Account. I just uploaded a few Poems I've written over the past year or so and since Taer is sharing his O-Fic, I'll just toss this out there:

https://www.fictionpress.com/u/850873/

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by tremec6speed on Mon 28 Jul 2014 - 21:46

Cool poetry, I read the first. Sounds sincere and from the heart. Smile
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Mon 28 Jul 2014 - 22:05

@tremec6speed wrote:I read the first poem and will read the others after I absorb the first. When it comes to poetry, I sometimes take my time to absorb and ponder poetry. It sounds sincere and from your heart. Smile
Generally I like to write poems to calm down or vent frustration, ones like Never Alone  or Taboo are examples of that. Sometimes I tell a story about something using poetry, hence Guided by the Second Star. I also think that poems are where you're supposed to be brutally honest. Blunt and poetic about it at the same time. You deal with the issue, not dance around it. You invoke emotion and, perhaps, action from the reader.

And I like to play with Tankas and Haikus...cause they're fun. It can be hard to get ideas and stuff out within the restrictions. Its challenging and fun.

As a side note, someone contacted me and told me to enter a large talent competition with my stuff. It was kinda odd.

Did my homework on the group. Just in case any of you get contacted by "Tallenge" don't buy into it. Why?


' you irrevocably grant Tallenge, its successors, subsidiaries, parent and related companies, licensees, assignees, and third parties acting on Tallenge’s behalf, an exclusive worldwide, royalty-free right to license to use, exhibit, license, sub-license, distribute, perform, post, display, copy, publish, promote, re-format, reproduce, prepare derivative works of, adapt, make available online or electronically transmit and exploit the Submission, for free, [...] for a period of five (5) years from the date you entered the contest. After the term of the foregoing license expires, the license shall automatically convert into a non-exclusive license to Tallenge in perpetuity.'

yeah...no. I'll keep the rights to my stuff, thank you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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PolosElite23

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Sat 20 Sep 2014 - 0:01


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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PolosElite23

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Alfisti on Fri 5 Dec 2014 - 10:01

A long while coming but, finally, thoughts on Chapter 02...
@PolosElite23 wrote:She leaned over the railing and sighed, glancing around at the empty deck around her.
Nitpick: two "around"s in the same sentence. You could easily drop one or the other to tidy the sentence up.


@PolosElite23 wrote:"Do you ever get…depressed by the sea? Like you have forgotten something important and there is a hole in your chest?"
I can't remember if you've given us Sierra's backstory, but I presume it's somehow sea/ocean... or, at least, water... related?


@PolosElite23 wrote:Donald blinked. Cyborgs were generally direct, upfront.
Hilshire may beg to differ. Razz


@PolosElite23 wrote:"Stňr, knock it off. You don't win every fight." Donald turned and grabbed her by the shoulder, "You. Did. Well. Don't beat yourself up over a little detail, it all worked out."
I take it Donald's not the world's greatest small-talker. He certainly seems to be much more comfortable once the talk swings back toward something work-related.


@PolosElite23 wrote:Donald, noted that many were enraptured into the man's speech, the one he'd been cultivating for the past fifteen minutes.
Part of me wonders if the speaker is actually impassioned, or more a professional rabble-rouser, perhaps sent by the Padania to give the Government another front to fight on.


@PolosElite23 wrote:"Unhand me!"
That's not exactly the phrase most of the Irish I know would have used. Razz


@PolosElite23 wrote:But that showed that one man was extremely paranoid. For what reason specifically, was beyond him. However, Donald sighed, he now had something to show for his past week of near no progress.
Just a thought, but it might have been worth throwing time frame earlier in the scene rather than later, it helps ward off any "they seem to have got here awful fast" type thoughts the readership may have, which in turn helps with suspension of disbelief.


Anyway mate, good chapter. The pacing is fast, but you're starting to build a foundation for the story, and your writing is definitely improving.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Alfisti

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Fri 5 Dec 2014 - 17:34

@Alfisti wrote:
@PolosElite23 wrote:But that showed that one man was extremely paranoid. For what reason specifically, was beyond him. However, Donald sighed, he now had something to show for his past week of near no progress.
Just a thought, but it might have been worth throwing time frame earlier in the scene rather than later, it helps ward off any "they seem to have got here awful fast" type thoughts the readership may have, which in turn helps with suspension of disbelief.


Anyway mate, good chapter. The pacing is fast, but you're starting to build a foundation for the story, and your writing is definitely improving.
Thanks for the review. I appreciate it. 

I agree the pacing is fast, but I'm trying to lay out the foundation and then get into the plot. Story set-up can be a bit of a pain.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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PolosElite23

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Thu 13 Oct 2016 - 23:27

Making my post for TSM's 200 Word challenge... 200 Words exact:


Small chirps of crickets and frogs filled the air. Cool air slipped and bended through the dusk. It was calm. A collected silence.

A night one could feel and breath. Understand the world by staring at a dim ball of fire sinking beneath the horizon, warmed and surrounded by the rustle of leaves in the trees. A thin trail of light sliding through the door from the warm interior inside.

Sally watched the people below walk to and fro. Laughing, making merry. Husbands caressed their spouses. Old friends gathered and chatted, their booming laughs rolling through the hills.

It was quaint, calm and collected. Old men talking about the news. Younger chasing the heel of young ladies. Women giggling at some secret joke.
It would be interesting, she thought, to go to a gathering such as this. On a nice afternoon to meet friends for fun. To dance a slow waltz in the lawn to the tune of a guitar. A normal life, in a beautiful place.

As she looked down, upon those below, she couldn’t help but think it was a shame to ruin a perfect night.

An inhalation.

A pound of pressure.

An end to a beautiful evening.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
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PolosElite23

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Forum Posts : 914

Location : Ohio, USA

Fan of : Triela, Hillshire, and Angelica

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Comments : A journey of a lifetime starts with a blinking cursor.

Registration date : 2013-06-05

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by taerKitty on Fri 14 Oct 2016 - 1:14

I like it. There quite a bit of description.  I'm curious what Sally has planned.  It feels like she recognizes this is the calm before the storm because she is the storm.

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Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Alfisti on Fri 14 Oct 2016 - 5:32

Great atmospheric piece of prose mate.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
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Alfisti

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Forum Posts : 5763

Location : A Town by the Sea, NSW Central Coast, Australia

Fan of : Triela, Hilshire, Priscilla, Ferro

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Thescarredman on Fri 14 Oct 2016 - 18:08

Almost poetry. The end is a tiny bit ambiguous - I thought she was in a sniper's nest at first, but a pound of pressure seems a bit much for trigger pull.


Still wondering how this became 'my' challenge, but hey, I'll take it.
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Comments : .
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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by taerKitty on Sat 15 Oct 2016 - 3:32

I feel like an idiot.  I didn't think of it as the perspective from a sniper.  I need more sleep.

Wait. You don't get any more sleep than I do, TSM. You got it.

I guess I just haz de dum. 

Great job, Polos!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
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taerKitty

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by PolosElite23 on Sat 15 Oct 2016 - 12:59

Er...it was a sniper thing... and a pound trigger pull is actually pretty loght. A Glock has a 5lb pull iirc.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Stanzas 2+4 of Invictus by William Earnest Henley
avatar
PolosElite23

Male

Forum Posts : 914

Location : Ohio, USA

Fan of : Triela, Hillshire, and Angelica

Original Characters : Various

Comments : A journey of a lifetime starts with a blinking cursor.

Registration date : 2013-06-05

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Re: Polo's Notepad

Post by Thescarredman on Sat 15 Oct 2016 - 17:03

My bad. It doesn't feel like that much effort when you're doing it.

Sweet story, Polos.
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Thescarredman

Male

Forum Posts : 1881

Location : Toledo, Ohio, United States

Fan of : Rico, Bice

Original Characters : Kristal & Verotrois / Doc; Angel / Jack Keaton; Tiffany/Stefan

Comments : .
Mario Bossi would make a better handler than Marco Toni. Come to think of it, so would Christiano.
.
Elizaveta didn't jump - she was pushed.
.
Sofia was pregnant. It would have been a boy.

Registration date : 2012-02-04
Your character
OC genger: 40

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Re: Polo's Notepad

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