Stuff by Thescarredman

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Stuff by Thescarredman

Post by Thescarredman on Mon 24 Mar 2014 - 20:22

Taerkitty has been after me forever to start a fic  and comment thread, the easier to humiliate me publicly. he's too good a pal to put off forever, so here goes.

I have a few GsG fics on FFnet, but a lot of my 'Girl' writing is confined to this site, in forum or collab posts. I have a bad habit of trying to put my point of view across on a subject using fic, so I have more than a few shorties scattered throughout Cyborg Central. The first post will be a list of links, updated as required. Anything that follows will be critique and commentary.

First, the FFnet posts:

The Last Days of Lauro de Sica. My very first GsG fic. I wrote it after watching the anime but before joining Cyborg Central or reading the manga. It's a little AU, but I'm not going to change it.

 Made for You is my Jean/Rico origin story. She comes off smarter than usual in this one, and Jean more human. I call em as I sees em.

Porcupine Love, my attempt at a believable Pino/Triela pairing.

Partnership. The first time I borrowed someone's OCs. I wanted to explore what might make  Alfisti's Jethro and Monty lose their cool, and how they'd react. He says I did it right.

In Somniis Verum, 'In Dreams There is Truth'. Primarily, comparison and contrast between the handlers and their cyborgs, especially the compartmentalization of thought it must require to work at the SWA  and the 'conditioning' of the kids.

Also, chapters of Angelica irony, Petra/Sandro sweetness and Triela angst in Professor Voodoo's common-themed anthology story, Hunters in the Dolomites. Also lessons in cooking and living well from Claes. And the debut of my OCs, Kristal and Verotrois. Geez, did I really write that much?



On this site, my largest single collection of work to date can be found in the collaborative story Rehabilitation Branch.

The Mayfair Fratello is a work in progress, a collection of story snippets about my original OC fratello.

Another on-site collab, about a bunch of party-crashing cyborgs and handlers. All Monty wanted was a little peace and quiet...

What if Pino and Triela had been rescued by different people? Parts 1 and 2.

Triela reflects on her life and circumstances while garroting a man to death.

The missing piece of Petra's backstory that had our Petrushka/Sandro haters up in arms.

Jean and Sophia's first time. Who knew Sicilian girls were freaks in the bedroom?

Verotrois meets a hopeful young Carabineiri, and they talk about whatever comes up.

Girl talk on a long drive. What's a cyborg's favorite subject?

It's all fun and games till somebody's car gets hurt ...

The girls get involved in some risky business, and some risky fun.






That's it for now. I'll try to round up all the other shorts scattered around the site and provide links later.


Last edited by Thescarredman on Fri 6 Feb 2015 - 16:49; edited 11 times in total
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Thescarredman

Male

Forum Posts : 1880

Location : Toledo, Ohio, United States

Fan of : Rico, Bice

Original Characters : Kristal & Verotrois / Doc; Angel / Jack Keaton; Tiffany/Stefan

Comments : .
Mario Bossi would make a better handler than Marco Toni. Come to think of it, so would Christiano.
.
Elizaveta didn't jump - she was pushed.
.
Sofia was pregnant. It would have been a boy.

Registration date : 2012-02-04
Your character
OC genger: 40

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Re: Stuff by Thescarredman

Post by taerKitty on Wed 26 Mar 2014 - 19:40

YAY!  Now I have a place to mega-crit (and meta-crit)!!!

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Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
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taerKitty

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Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

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Re: Stuff by Thescarredman

Post by taerKitty on Thu 3 Apr 2014 - 22:23


Through his binoculars, Jean watched the Padania hitman sprawl across the tar roof, a dark pool spreading under his still form.
 
And we're off!  Normally, I try to evaluate the effectiveness of a work's beginning, but this one all-but-drops the reader into the action.  It works, establishing the location, the characters, and the context.  The fact that they were on a counter-sniper op was a little confusing at first, but cleared up quickly.
 

"I said, blow it out your ear, Jean."
 
And we now know we're not in Kansas anymore.  When I first read about the concept, I was wondering if it was better to let the reader know "This is a dream" or to surprise the reader with "Fooled you!  It was all a dream!"  Given this line, I'm glad you chose to go the way you did.
 

"Dante killed five with his bomb that day, not four."
 
I love it when fanfics explore stuff off the beaten path that's plausible.  Given how straight-laced the Croce family is, I'm not sure I would suspect Jean of going early, but I certainly can't deny it's a possibility.  However, it's not something I would have expected, hence the delighted surprise.
 

"It doesn't make me miss you when you're gone."
 
In a way, this is a double negative.  Does she miss him, or not?  Unfortunately, stopping to ponder this interrupts the flow.
 

He looked around for the stair they used to reach the roof, but there was nothing close by, and the top of the building was strangely hard to see for any distance in the fading light.
 
I think that might be 'stairs', my friend.  This was mildly jarring due to my cluelessness.  The summary clearly says that it's about the handler's dreams, but for some reason, I thought it was Ricos's.  My bad.
 

The air filled with a tinkling sound.
 
That's a good description, or series of descriptions for the sound so often used for something unearthly (yet not threatening).   Adding Enrica's ghost there was perfect - it ups the tension in an unexpected way, and it gives Rico someone new to react to.
 

"I'm not much good at lying, but I know a liar when I hear one."
 
This sounds a little more mature than I envision Rico's dialog.  Enrica's dialog is slightly more mature than I envision her as well, but as a ghost, I give her a little more leave.  (Yes, this Rico is also a figment of Jean's imagination, but I figure that, as close as they work together, he would imagine her with more fidelity.)
 

"They're dream bullets, after all."
 
Hm.  The awareness that it's a dream, but not by the person's projection.  That's not something you see often.
 

… wondered why he had wakened;
 
I can't help but feel that a]wakened would fit better there.  Also, good flashback to the bombing and Sofia there.
 
This marks a context change, and serves in retrospect as the beginning of the ending, in my eyes.  Compared to the "drop you in the middle of it" beginning, this is lulling and calm, taking its time.  it works.  The last scene ended in turmoil and conflict, so this gives the reader a chance to see what passes for 'normal' at the SWA.
 

"Are you not sleepy?"


Again, this sounds a little too stiff for Rico.  But, that's probably me.
 

"I need to keep an eye on you."
 
Good clincher.  It left me feeling satisfied.  Looking back, the whole ending was rather disjoint, with the 'walking beside' question seemingly random and unprompted.  However, that's how pre-teens are, so it has a good 'real' feel to it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alfisti: "Welcome to the SWA... don't worry, your cyborg is probably less confused than you are".
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taerKitty

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Forum Posts : 1172

Location : Pacific Northwest

Fan of : Claes

Original Characters : Dina & Paolo

Comments : The feelz... the feelz...

Registration date : 2012-01-22

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Re: Stuff by Thescarredman

Post by tremec6speed on Fri 4 Apr 2014 - 22:46

Great Tales Scarred Man, they have re-read ability.  head bang
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tremec6speed

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Forum Posts : 1973

Fan of : Lauro and Olga!

Original Characters : Vinson/Helen/Salvatore + Gunther/Ayden. Baddies are a small group of 'techno-anarchists'

Comments : I hope to include a short illustrated fanfic story of both Mr. Yutaka Aida's characters as well as some I've come up with.

Registration date : 2009-08-25

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Re: Stuff by Thescarredman

Post by Thescarredman on Sun 30 Nov 2014 - 17:36

Yeesh, would you believe this is the first time I've visited this page since I made it? I had no idea that I had crit here to respond to.


"It doesn't make me miss you when you're gone."
 
In a way, this is a double negative.  Does she miss him, or not?  Unfortunately, stopping to ponder this interrupts the flow.

It makes more sense if you keep it paired with the sentence that immediately precedes it. Perhaps I should have coupled them with a semicolon, but I try to avoid those when quoting, unless the person quoted is delivering a speech.



"I'm not much good at lying, but I know a liar when I hear one."
 This sounds a little more mature than I envision Rico's dialog.  Enrica's dialog is slightly more mature than I envision her as well, but as a ghost, I give her a little more leave.  (Yes, this Rico is also a figment of Jean's imagination, but I figure that, as close as they work together, he would imagine her with more fidelity.)

This was lifted from anime dialogue, where Rico once said, "I'm not much good at lying, so I let Jean lie for me." I figured if she could say that, this would fit her speech patterns.


"Are you not sleepy?"
Again, this sounds a little too stiff for Rico.  But, that's probably me.

Another lift from the anime. When Rico sees Claes eating nothing but yogurt for breakfast, she says, "Claes ... are you not hungry?"


"I need to keep an eye on you."
 Good clincher.  It left me feeling satisfied.  Looking back, the whole ending was rather disjoint, with the 'walking beside' question seemingly random and unprompted.  However, that's how pre-teens are, so it has a good 'real' feel to it.

My guess is, it's a question she's been wanting to ask, but never found a good time for.
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Thescarredman

Male

Forum Posts : 1880

Location : Toledo, Ohio, United States

Fan of : Rico, Bice

Original Characters : Kristal & Verotrois / Doc; Angel / Jack Keaton; Tiffany/Stefan

Comments : .
Mario Bossi would make a better handler than Marco Toni. Come to think of it, so would Christiano.
.
Elizaveta didn't jump - she was pushed.
.
Sofia was pregnant. It would have been a boy.

Registration date : 2012-02-04
Your character
OC genger: 40

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