Breach

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Breach

Post by FireTrooper113 on Mon 22 Dec 2014 - 11:23

Not sure how much of you already know about this little piece, but I thought I'd pop it here just in case. As said in the description, Henrietta and Jose are the main focus of this tale, though the other fratelli will get appropriate attention. 

A word of warning; you'll probably notice some odd grammar habits, some of which I'm probably unaware of. 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10827183/1/Breach
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Re: Breach

Post by Thescarredman on Mon 22 Dec 2014 - 17:05

Been reading it, at my usual glacial pace. Believe I left a review as well. A worthy addition to the body of GsG fic on FFnet contributed by members of this forum.
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Re: Breach

Post by ElfenMagix on Mon 22 Dec 2014 - 23:56

You wrote it, FireTrooper113?

Looks interesting indeed.

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Re: Breach

Post by PSVT on Wed 24 Dec 2014 - 20:00

Obviously, you know I'm definitely enjoying the story. There are a few grammar issues still with punctuation--best usage of commas and full stops and the pesky overuse of the semicolon--but I'm sure you'll get it all figured out with time and practice. It doesn't really detract from the meat of your plot, however, which is still very strong and compelling in my opinion.

Without delving into spoilers, I think you absolutely nail the canon characters' personalities and use them quite well in crafting your own narrative. That's especially important with the latest chapter (7), where the reactions of the other cyborgs with what happened to Henrietta really come into play. The final third of the chapter really brings it all to a head.

To conclude, I'm still very hooked, especially since I really want to know now: just what will Henrietta decide to do?

(Hope you don't mind my leaving a review here. I find working on fanfiction.net to be a pain with the review window on the same page as the actual text.)

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Re: Breach

Post by Alfisti on Sat 27 Dec 2014 - 2:59

Well, nitpicking grammar is certainly not my department, so I'll stay out of that. Razz

Managed to read the first two chapters so far, and I'm liking it. The canon characterisations so far seem to be pretty much on-tone for the time period, and the story itself is involving as well. I did only mean to skim the first chapter this time around, so keeping going is a good thing.

Great stuff, more/proper thoughts when I get a chance.

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Re: Breach

Post by FireTrooper113 on Thu 8 Jan 2015 - 14:51

Here's another chapter for y'all fine people. Boy did this one take a while.....

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10827183/8/Breach
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FireTrooper113

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Re: Breach

Post by Thescarredman on Thu 8 Jan 2015 - 17:50

Nice stuffs, Trooper. Left a review at FFnet, but I'll leave a rather different one here.

I mentioned earlier that your characterizations put me in mind of the characters as they appeared in the anime, some of whom were subtly -or not so subtly - different, and less three-dimensional. Is this a deliberate decision, or haven't you read the manga? Or, maybe, you simply got a different take on the characters than I did?
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Comments : .
Mario Bossi would make a better handler than Marco Toni. Come to think of it, so would Christiano.
.
Elizaveta didn't jump - she was pushed.
.
Sofia was pregnant. It would have been a boy.

Registration date : 2012-02-04
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Re: Breach

Post by FireTrooper113 on Thu 8 Jan 2015 - 19:10

@Thescarredman wrote:Nice stuffs, Trooper. Left a review at FFnet, but I'll leave a rather different one here.

I mentioned earlier that your characterizations put me in mind of the characters as they appeared in the anime, some of whom were subtly -or not so subtly - different, and less three-dimensional. Is this a deliberate decision, or haven't you read the manga? Or, maybe, you simply got a different take on the characters than I did?

Kind of and kind of not deliberate. I have read the manga and I am aware of how characters behave in it, though certain aspects of them I currently plan on touching on later in the story. I admit some may get more attention than others, but I'll try. 

It is also entirely possible you and I have different takes on certain characters as you've speculated, in fact I'd (reluctantly) say count on it. From my observation of GSG fans, on and off Cyborg Central, GSG is one of those things people draw different (sometimes conflicting) conclusions from. I wouldn't be surprised if the same turned out to be true for you and me. 

Also I've seen your review on FFnet, glad I got you looking for more! Bane of my existence, tenses. But thanks for letting me know, I'll try to do something about it later on, though whether or not I'll be successful is anyone's guess. 

Thanks very much for the feedback partner, really helps.
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Location : Behind you, don't turn around.

Fan of : The original five cyborgs and their handlers.

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Comments : Most like to see things in black and white, I see them in gray. ....Pink would be nice, or red, hell let's throw some green in there too.

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Re: Breach

Post by FireTrooper113 on Fri 6 Mar 2015 - 16:05

Chapter 9 is up. I wanted to get one more scene in this one, but I figured it would be better to use it for the next chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10827183/9/Breach
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FireTrooper113

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Forum Posts : 87

Location : Behind you, don't turn around.

Fan of : The original five cyborgs and their handlers.

Original Characters : Not something I'm interested in, at least for now.

Comments : Most like to see things in black and white, I see them in gray. ....Pink would be nice, or red, hell let's throw some green in there too.

Registration date : 2014-12-14

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Re: Breach

Post by Alfisti on Fri 24 Apr 2015 - 23:25

Ok, so I finally had a chance to catch up with this one. First up: the story itself is fantastic. While it's quite quiet in and of itself, it's also very engaging and draws the reader in. Your writing of emotions are palpable, and we want to know what will happen next... what will Henrietta do from here? How will she handle her new memories... and what effect will that have around her. I don't know if it was what you were going for, but I get the impression her remembering may be triggering/starting to trigger memories in some of the others?

That said, on a technical side, the writing itself could use some work. I'm working from jet-lagged memory here, but as others have mentioned there are some tense and grammar issues which, as noted before, is not really my department either sweat . My general impression though, on that front, was that some of the writing could use smoothing out. There was also a lot of jumping around of the PoV through the story, which can make it difficult to follow for a reader to follow, tying thing down to one PoV per scene might help or, at least, minimising the PoV changes or holding them to key moments where it's important to get another's perspective on proceedings. As an aside, by getting a single view point it helps nail that character down in the reader's mind.

Either way, it certainly wasn't enough to put me off reading. Right now the writing is serviceable, but lacks a certain amount of flow to help guide the reader through. However, you've got an enthralling page-turner on your hands, and I've very much looking forward to the next chapter.

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Re: Breach

Post by FireTrooper113 on Tue 14 Jul 2015 - 20:27

After two moves, a little sister's high school graduation, drama from a soul sucking job, and grappling with my own self doubt, chapter ten of Breach is finally finished.  cheers

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10827183/10/Breach
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FireTrooper113

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Location : Behind you, don't turn around.

Fan of : The original five cyborgs and their handlers.

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Comments : Most like to see things in black and white, I see them in gray. ....Pink would be nice, or red, hell let's throw some green in there too.

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Re: Breach

Post by FireTrooper113 on Mon 15 Feb 2016 - 22:29

Hey. Guess what's back? At least for now.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10827183/11/Breach
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FireTrooper113

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Forum Posts : 87

Location : Behind you, don't turn around.

Fan of : The original five cyborgs and their handlers.

Original Characters : Not something I'm interested in, at least for now.

Comments : Most like to see things in black and white, I see them in gray. ....Pink would be nice, or red, hell let's throw some green in there too.

Registration date : 2014-12-14

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Re: Breach

Post by Thescarredman on Sat 20 Feb 2016 - 20:57

Glad to see it. And it seems to me your writing style gets more polished with each chapter.

I really like the personal complexity you give life at the Agency: all the interrelationships between the cyborgs, and the gossip mill that keeps the girls in touch with their handlers when they're out of their sight Be interesting to see what everyday life is like for the second-gen girls in their Teen Hall upstairs. I know I'm pressing my luck here, but earlier I asked what you'd do with an Angie-centric scene, and you delivered in spades. Smile
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Thescarredman

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Fan of : Rico, Bice

Original Characters : Kristal & Verotrois / Doc; Angel / Jack Keaton; Tiffany/Stefan

Comments : .
Mario Bossi would make a better handler than Marco Toni. Come to think of it, so would Christiano.
.
Elizaveta didn't jump - she was pushed.
.
Sofia was pregnant. It would have been a boy.

Registration date : 2012-02-04
Your character
OC genger: 40

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Re: Breach

Post by FireTrooper113 on Mon 22 Feb 2016 - 16:57

@Thescarredman wrote:Glad to see it. And it seems to me your writing style gets more polished with each chapter.

I really like the personal complexity you give life at the Agency: all the interrelationships between the cyborgs, and the gossip mill that keeps the girls in touch with their handlers when they're out of their sight Be interesting to see what everyday life is like for the second-gen girls in their Teen Hall upstairs. I know I'm pressing my luck here, but earlier I asked what you'd do with an Angie-centric scene, and you delivered in spades. Smile

I actually had that Angie scene in store for a little later in the story. But during my absence, I reviewed the outline and decided that the pace I (at the time) set for the story would drag it out longer than it needed to be. So as a result, Angie's spotlight went up on list. I'm pleased with how it turned out, because now I feel I can use her a little more liberally. Very Happy 

Sadly, I don't have much planned for Petra and the other second-gens in this fic. Perhaps in a future GSG fic, but that probably won't be for a while. Sad
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FireTrooper113

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Forum Posts : 87

Location : Behind you, don't turn around.

Fan of : The original five cyborgs and their handlers.

Original Characters : Not something I'm interested in, at least for now.

Comments : Most like to see things in black and white, I see them in gray. ....Pink would be nice, or red, hell let's throw some green in there too.

Registration date : 2014-12-14

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Re: Breach

Post by tremec6speed on Tue 23 Feb 2016 - 0:10

Entertaining story, I enjoyed it! head bang
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Re: Breach

Post by FireTrooper113 on Wed 24 Feb 2016 - 21:31

@tremec6speed wrote:Entertaining story, I enjoyed it! head bang

Glad you enjoy it.  Smile
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FireTrooper113

Male

Forum Posts : 87

Location : Behind you, don't turn around.

Fan of : The original five cyborgs and their handlers.

Original Characters : Not something I'm interested in, at least for now.

Comments : Most like to see things in black and white, I see them in gray. ....Pink would be nice, or red, hell let's throw some green in there too.

Registration date : 2014-12-14

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Re: Breach

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