Social Wellness Agency

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Social Wellness Agency

Post by Bathduck monster on Fri 3 Jun 2016 - 20:48

First scene for the Santa/Enzo fratello(though it's pretty much just Santa this scene)
Scene is in spoilers to save scrolling time, putting comments in spoilers is not needed(unless people think it is)


    *Exhale*
    'Santa.'  she thought encouragment to herself-Enzo had told her that she had been named after a famous gift-giver.  Enzo had insisted she wear a modified version of her namesake's outfit while delivering presents(a red dress and long-sleeved shirt with white fur at the edges).
    *Knock**Knock* before she could lose confidence again
    "Who is there?"  a flat voice came from inside the room
     "Santa."  she called in
    "Santa who?"  another voice asked in the bomb squad's shared flat tone.
    "Santa Claus-bringer of christmas presents."  a third flat voice said.
    "Santa Claus would not be knocking on our door if and talking with a female voice if he wanted to enter-the person out there is most likely my roommate Santa Cassano."  the one member of the bomb squad she new even a little, her own roommate Bella, finally talked, "Please wait one moment Santa, I will open the door for you."
    A moment later Bella had opened the door, revealing the rest of the bomb squad sitting around a round table in the middle of Cora and Diana's room.

    The room was generally the same as all the other cyborg rooms-
    Made bunk beds on one side of the door with dressers on each side
    A window on the far wall on the opposite side from the door
    Two desks across from the beds, with neatly arranged paper and pencils on each(though one also had book included in the organisation that the other one didn't-Amores of the Ambassador).
    And a table in the center on top of a green floral rug.

     "Merry christmas!"  Santa told them, despite them all looking at her
    "Merry christmas."  they all replied together
    "I-I.."  she faultered while facing the continued attention from the four.
    "If Santa has something to say she should say it without being nervous."  Bella told her
     "Ihaveapresentforeachofyou!"  she blurted, setting down the red sack.

    After a moment of searching she held out a small box towards her roommate, "Here."
    "Thank you."
    She found Amelia's present next and was able to successfully identify her thanks to Amelia's roommate Marisa's interesting arguments for why she should receive a sword.

    She mortifyingly mixed up Cora and Diana after finding their presents at the same time, but fortunately they only informed her of the..error..and corrected her.
    The four opened their presents as a group, revealing identical radios, each with an explosion-resembling phone strap attached.

    "Thank you, Santa."  the four said in unison
     "You're welcome."  she responded quickly and retreated out-having four attentions on her was far too much.

    Santa quickly found Petra in one of the open multi-purpose rooms that she often used for dancing-a rectangular room with one three white walls and one mirrored with a pole across the entire length.
    Naturally she was in the middle of something so Santa dug out the present and waited so that Petra wouldn't be disturbed.
    "Yo, here delivering presents?"  Petra's handler surprised her coming down the hall towards her.
     "Yes sir."
    "Come on in."  he dragged her in and interrupted Petra's dancing, "Petra, look; I've caught Santa Claus delivering presents.  Turns out Santa is secretly a good-looking girl."
    "That's our new comm specialist Santa Cassano, Sandro."  Petra told him, "Did you get put up to passing out presents by Mr. Enzo?"
    *Nod*
    "Trying to get you to talk more I bet.  Do your best."  Because if you don't you won't be able to achieve any sort of good result.
    *Nod*
    "Still Santa C.  By the way-"  he looked at the present
    "Oh, merry christmas!"  she thrust the present between them.
    "'To Petra and Mr. Rissi from Santa.'  And I thought I was too old for Santa."  he grinned at her before turning to Petra, "Open it for us."
    "Right."  Petra responded and proceeded to just look at it, "This is wrapped really well.  I didn't know you were so good with your hands already."
    "Of course she is."  Mr. Rissi grinned, causing Petra to scold him and Santa to change colors to match her dress.

    The present was eventually opened carefully enough that the paper wasn't damaged had two more radios in it, but their straps were opposite halves of a heart that could be fit together.

    "Ooh, now we can talk whenever we want."  she smiled
    "We can do that already.  Santa is the one we'll be able to talk to more."  Mr. Rissi pointed out
    "Oh yeah.  You aren't still hogging frequencies are you?"  Petra smiled, bringing up her former inability to talk properly.
    *SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE**SHAKE*
    "Ok, ok, don't shake your head off."
    "If you don't have any more, why not stay and dance with Petra?  She doesn't get much company with her hobby."
    "I still have to find Henrietta and Rico.  I'll see you two another time."  she used her task to exit.  Petra probably wouldn't have any fun if she joined her anyway.

    The two hadn't been in the dorms, she searched the rest of the entertainment building, the cafeteria, ranges, peeked into the offices, and went to as many training courses as she could but they didn't seem to be anywhere.
    "Enzo, do you have an ear?"  she finally asked for support
     "Of course, what is it?"
     "Henrietta and Rico don't seem to be anywhere."
     "Give me a couple moments and I'll see if Telescope is here and ask him."


    "Found them, grab some civilian clothes and come to parking lot B."
    "Yes."




Now to bunker down and see what people say bunker
Edit: since mongolia apparently doesn't support spoilers boxes, I have removed the box


Last edited by Bathduck monster on Mon 7 Nov 2016 - 22:20; edited 3 times in total
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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by crazyidiot78 on Sat 4 Jun 2016 - 8:28

Um its not working for me
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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by San and Flo on Sat 4 Jun 2016 - 8:33

"Letrice could use a new radio..." San muttered. "She's been using something back from 'Nam... Come to think of it... I don't have a present for her... What do I do?"

A knock on the door. Coming out of his thoughts-zone, San opened the door to find a little girl dressed in a santa outfit. Oh yeah, it was Santa... No not the fat guy. The SWA's Santa.

"Yo, what do you need?" asked San.

"H-here!" Santa replied, shoving a box into his hand and leaving.

"H-huh..."

San opened the box, finding a pair of radios...

"Well... that's timely... I think I'll invite Letrice for a date..."

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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Alfisti on Sat 4 Jun 2016 - 22:45

Part of me can't help but suspect the Santa outfit probably isn't helping with her nerves...

An enjoyable little piece to introduce the characters mate. There are a few punctuation, grammar, and readability issues through it, but nothing a few more editing passes couldn't fix. Some of it I suspect is stylistic as well?

Still, a few more specific comments:
@Bathduck monster wrote:"Santa."  she called in
Out of curiosity, is there a particular reason Santa (and Enzo's later) lines are in bold? If so, it might be worth getting in early with a "why" so we know how to read them. I mean is she whispering, or over the radio, or SPEAKING ALL CAPITALS, IN A VOICE LIKE THE SHIFTING OF MOUNTAINS? Putting the cue in is all very well, but we need to know what to do with it.

And speaking of giving the reader cues:


@Bathduck monster wrote: "Santa Claus would not be knocking on our door if and talking with a female voice if he wanted to enter.  The person out there is most likely my roommate Santa Cassano.  Please wait one moment Santa, I will open the door for you."  Bella finally talked
It would probably help to move who is speaking further forward in this string, so we're not left hanging on who the speaker is for so long. Having someone more familiar speak is also a good chance to get a bit of a reaction out of Santa hearing it too, assuming that's feasible character wise. That way the reader quickly gets who is talking, and it's low-hanging fruit to start establishing the relationship of these two. Perhaps something like:

"Santa Claus would not be knocking on our door if, and talking with a female voice if, he wanted to enter.  The person out there is most likely my roommate, Santa Cassano." Finally, a familiar voice, and a little of Santa's anxiety dissipated as Bella's flat tones continued. "Please wait one moment Santa, I will open the door for you."

Also, full stop at the end, and I think you may be missing some commas, unless running the bomb squad's sentences through is intentional.


@Bathduck monster wrote:She mortifyingly mixed up Bella and Diana...
Was this meant to be Cora and Diana? She's already given Bella hers.


@Bathduck monster wrote:Santa quickly found Petra in one of the open multi-use rooms that she often used for dancing-mirror with a wall length pole on one wall and standard walls for the rest.
The first half of this sentence is good, the second half could use some work: you've used the word "wall" three times there (and some variation on "use" twice in the start). Razz  Repetition is good for some things (making a point, showing a flustered thought process), but the emphasis it creates can also break up the flow of the prose. Again, it's one of those things that can be ironed out in editing: now that you've figured out what you want to say, the next stage is working on how to best say it. Perhaps something like:

Santa quickly found Petra in one of the open multi-purpose rooms she used for dancing, it's mirrored wall and single long rail facing out tall windows into the courtyard beyond.


@Bathduck monster wrote:Naturally she was in the middle of something so Santa dug out the present and waited so that Petra wouldn't be disturbed.
    "Yo, here delivering presents?"  Petra's handler surprised her coming down the hall towards her.
     "Yes sir."
    "Come on in."  he dragged her in and interrupted Petra's dancing, "Petra, look; I've caught Santa Claus delivering presents.
I like this moment, it lets us compare Santa's interactions with those of the Ricci fratello, who are a known baseline. As we're seeing them quite early on, does that mean we can expect Sandro and Petra to be two characters Enzo and Santa interact with more often?


@Bathduck monster wrote:  "Found them, grab some civilian clothes and come to parking lot B."
    "Yes."
Hmm, I wonder what 'Etta and Rico are doing there...

As I said mate, it's a good first pass, and I think the concept is good. I haven't tried to pick up everything grammar/punctuation/readability wise (it is, after all, your story, and I don't want to go forcing my stylistic tastes and bad habits on you), and a lot of it feels borderline stylistic as well. However, just a few more rounds of editing would probably do wonders. 

Technical issues aside though, it's a good introduction to Santa's character. You really get a feel for her shyness and nervous energy, and a bit of a feel for the different relationships around the SWA: which handlers are spending Christmas with their charges, which have buggered off, how the different cyborgs and staff view one another, etc. In doing so, you've also included enough canon characters to ground the thing, and start letting us (as readers) get a handle on what your particular take on the GSG universe is. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it.

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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Bathduck monster on Sun 5 Jun 2016 - 9:51

If it's pointing out where things could be better or mistakes I don't mind at all.


Now for the interrogation questions Razz :

-people: the present receivers(including two who haven't gotten theirs yet) are all people who I'm going to try to have Santa get along with/interact with a lot.
-talking: I actually just switched from Arial font to Arial Black font and the size makes it look bolded.  There is justification for it(and at least a little irony) but wait until the next chapter comes out before forcing me to say it directly(because i'm going to try to give enough info to figure it out).  If you want to guess before then there are a couple hints for you hidden in the story(including the Enzo conversation you spotted).
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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Thescarredman on Sun 5 Jun 2016 - 10:52

Sounds like Enzo has a mike on her, sort of. Or an internal communications device that lets them talk privately.

Verotrois: That seems handy. Do you think-

Kristal: Do you really want Papa to know more about what you're up to than he does already?

Vee: Skip it.
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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Bathduck monster on Sun 5 Jun 2016 - 19:20

Are you trying to imply that Santa is some kind of cyborg?  Laughing
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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Alfisti on Mon 6 Jun 2016 - 5:59

@Bathduck monster wrote:-talking: I actually just switched from Arial font to Arial Black font and the size makes it look bolded.  There is justification for it(and at least a little irony) but wait until the next chapter comes out before forcing me to say it directly(because i'm going to try to give enough info to figure it out).  If you want to guess before then there are a couple hints for you hidden in the story(including the Enzo conversation you spotted).
My theory whilst reading was that she is talking through the radio.

As to dropping hints as to why it's like that, well, up to you how you play it. At the end of the day, it's your story. Just bear in mind that there is a fine line between creating intrigue, and confusing the reader/making something difficult to read, particularly this early on (and, of course, which side of that line something falls on will vary reader to reader as well). Maybe ensure the hints are fairly easy to pick?

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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by San and Flo on Mon 6 Jun 2016 - 7:11

Well it's possible that she's speaking through a headset-radio.

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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Bathduck monster on Mon 6 Jun 2016 - 8:10

Talking through a radio when she's in the same room as whoever she's talking to?
How does that make sense?  Shouldn't she just talk with her mouth in those situations?
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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by San and Flo on Mon 6 Jun 2016 - 8:50

@Bathduck monster wrote:Are you trying to imply that Santa is some kind of cyborg?  Laughing
Who knows?

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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Thescarredman on Mon 6 Jun 2016 - 13:05

I imagined she was sometimes speaking to people nearby while being remotely monitored by her handler, and other times communicating silently with him.
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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Alfisti on Tue 7 Jun 2016 - 7:12

@Bathduck monster wrote:Talking through a radio when she's in the same room as whoever she's talking to?
How does that make sense?  Shouldn't she just talk with her mouth in those situations?
Well it depends on how shy she is, what she is used to communication wise, and any irregularities picked up during her initial brainwashing or brought across from her previous life (and, I guess, how said brainwashing has amplified or suppressed those).

Monty: Besides, no-one ever accused the cyborg dorm denizens of being normal, or sane. The place has more weird ticks than a Russian watch factory.

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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by San and Flo on Tue 7 Jun 2016 - 7:42

@Alfisti wrote:
@Bathduck monster wrote:Talking through a radio when she's in the same room as whoever she's talking to?
How does that make sense?  Shouldn't she just talk with her mouth in those situations?
Well it depends on how shy she is, what she is used to communication wise, and any irregularities picked up during her initial brainwashing or brought across from her previous life (and, I guess, how said brainwashing has amplified or suppressed those).

Monty: Besides, no-one ever accused the cyborg dorm denizens of being normal, or sane. The place has more weird ticks than a Russian watch factory.

Lorenzo: What he said... Hell, I dunno what happened to Onyx in the past, but that girl sure as hell is in love with explosives.

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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Bathduck monster on Mon 7 Nov 2016 - 22:20

Scene 2 here for you everyone to enjoy(I hope anyway).  It did end up being very different from what I thought it would be(which will be scene 3 when I get it out) but it should be fine since I have some idea of where I'm going with the story now.



    "Training is over.dancin\\'  Training is over.dancin\\'"  Nicia skipped animatedly down the hall towards her room.
    'Gotta be clean for Santa.'  she thought as she reached her room, tossed her training clothes in the hamper, and grabbed her shower things.

    The room had the same layout as all the other dorm rooms-square, with two of each piece of furniture.  Not that the room needed the duplicates since the handlers refused to move Santa into the room.  Angry

    "I still have to find Henrietta and Rico.  I'll see you two another time."
    'Only two left.'  She realized after Santa talked again

    "On the day the world began-
    Under the tree of life-"  She sang down the hall.

    The bath room was empty when she got there so she took a shower stall at random and started washing herself off.

    "Water.  Water.  Soap.  Bubbles, pop pop pop.  Making me clean for Santa!"  w00t! And lemony-smelling, Santa's favorite

    She continued even when someone else came in and set herself up to shower.  Generation 1's older sister had brown skin, blonde hair, and appeared slightly younger than Nicia and Santa, though she was older in cyborg time.

    "Doing something special today with Santa and Mr. Cassano?  Have fun."
    "Can you not neigh until I leave brown and blonde horse?  I'm trying to maintain my good mood for Santa and you're ruining it."
    "HEY! Is that how you respond to someone who's trying to be nice!?"  Angry
    "I don't care how you try to be, I don't care about people or what they say and having to listen to it anyway is annoying."
    "How do you expect to make friends with that kind of attitude?"
    "I don't.  Besides Santa I don't want anyone else - interacting with them is annoying and would reduce my time with Santa.  Do the ones who think of you as an older sister only let you solve their problems so that you'll go away faster?"
    For some reason the horse starts grinning, "Do you think she's happy only interacting with you and nobody else because you reject them all?"
    "I asked the same thing after we started interacting with people and got a big yes.  If you want to make her happy then minimize your interactions with her and tell everyone else to do the same."

    "Enzo do you have an ear?"  Santa asked while the mare started saying something
    "Of course, what is it?"  Enzo responded
    "Henrietta and Rico don't seem to be anywhere."
    "Give me a couple moments and I'll see if Telescope is here and ask him."

    "Are you listening?"  the nag asked while the comms were silent.

    "Found them, grab some civilian clothes and come to parking lot B."
    "Yes."

    "Santa's done with her task so i'm going to go meet her.  Try not to slip, old hag."  She exited the shower and quickly dryed herself off before dashing back to her room.

    She'd already picked out what she was going to wear to dinner that morning - a dark forest green shirt with long sleeves and a black dress.

    Getting her clothes and shoes on only took a moment and she was able to get to the B lot side dorm door before Santa came out.

    "Santa!"  Glomp she jumped to and hugged Santa, which was strongly returned.
    "Nicia."  Smile Santa had chosen to wear a loose green sweatshirt over the pink shirt that poked out at the edges and denim cargo pants.  Her radio was also hanging from the collar of her sweatshirt Sad , "What?"
    "Just wishing again that you didn't have to rely on the comms."  They continued towards the parking lot with Nicia keeping an arm around Santa, "It sounded like your task went pretty well."
    "Yes, besides not being able to find Henrietta and Rico.  How did training go?"
    "I completed everything that Enzo wanted just like every other time."
    "You fought with someone didn't you?"
    "Only afterwards in the showers a moment ago.  I avoided people for the rest of it."
    "We've done pretty well with interacting with others today.  You managed to not fight with people almost all day and I set a record for number of initiated conversations."
    "Some record that is when Enzo forced you to do it."  Nicia grimaced, "Those other people don't matter anyway.  All they do is get in the way of us being together.  I told the horse that too - if she's really interested in helping either of us she'll get the others to stop bugging us."

    By now the two had reached parking lot B.
    "You're saying bad things about people again aren't you?"  the man waiting there asked them.

    He was average height among the handlers but was the closest to having the cartoon-y ability to hide behind telephone poles.  As for colors he had wooden table brown skin between her light and Santa's dark, black hair like santa but opposing her blonde, and grey eyes opposing Santa's forest green but not her own.

    "Of course."  Nicia responded without reservation.
    *Sigh* "At least others can't hear them like that.  Let's get going."
    "What about the Croce fratelli?"  Santa asked as they walked to the car.
    "Left already - taking care of some administrator who's exploiting the holiday at a mall."
    "That doesn't sound like something that takes three fratelli."  she commented
    "Commander thought so too and ordered us to not be anywhere near there."
    "What are we doing then?"
    "Going to dinner as planned."
    "Near the mall?"
    "Yeah right, if we did anything it would be a violation of direct orders and the chewing on the commander would give us would be almost as bad as having to interact with other people."
    "Nicia's right this time, we're going to the opposite side of the city.  Though as usual i'm thinking that your method of ranking things is pretty different from what other people would think of."
    "Because i'm NOT those other people."
    "And your interactions with everyone prove that excessively."  Enzo agreed as they reached the car, "How did giving out presents go?"
    "Pretty well - the bomb squad liked them..I think?  It's hard to tell with them.  The Rissi fratello definitely liked them though, and Mr. Rissi figured out why you chose radios."
    Enzo just nodded, accepting the outcome.

    "Sing with me."  she told Santa as they got going.
    "What song?"
    "Boa's song with no name."

    "A song for me-
    A song for you-
    Kasuka ni kikoeru-"  An acapella song came out of the car's radio as they left the compound.


A little history for this scene - way back before I managed to write scene 1 I was going to have a 2-cyborg + handler(as the Loeb and Mayfair fratelli) fratello, then the idea got dropped during the writing process somewhere, resulting in the scene 1 that actually happened.  While I was attempting to work out the story structure mentioned at the top and get some idea of where the story was going I was successful in a way that I ended up deciding would work best with the original 3-person fratello.  Conclusion: Nicia was saved from not being written into the story, I know a little about where i'm going, and scene 3 has a possibility of not taking as long because I wrote a bunch of it thinking it would be scene 2.


PS-here are the references for the two songs in this chapter:
Nicia's hall singing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASquVYXBD7Q
Santa + Nicia duet at end: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-TglpCazGA


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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Thescarredman on Tue 8 Nov 2016 - 16:57

Your two girls definitely have some socialization problems. It's a good thing they get along with each other so well. Glomp  Rather unlike my two... sissy slapfighting

I assume they're not going to be going on any missions that require contact with the public.
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Mario Bossi would make a better handler than Marco Toni. Come to think of it, so would Christiano.
.
Elizaveta didn't jump - she was pushed.
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Sofia was pregnant. It would have been a boy.

Registration date : 2012-02-04
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OC genger: 40

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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Bathduck monster on Tue 8 Nov 2016 - 18:07

I'm sure they'd be perfectly good at interacting with the public:



Civilian A: Excuse me, are you lost?
Santa: *Run away*


or


Civilian A: Excuse me, are you lost?
Nicia: *Groin attack*
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Bathduck monster

Male

Forum Posts : 94

Location : Somewhere else

Fan of : Interesting stories

Original Characters : Santa and Nicia(and Enzo)

Comments : None, thanks for asking though.

Registration date : 2016-03-15
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Re: Social Wellness Agency

Post by Sponsored content


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