Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

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Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by Guest on Thu 17 Jul 2008 - 12:11

Well, I'm working on a fan fic that focuses on what the girls go though during conditioning. Right now, I need some help and some critique. ((Oh by the way, my "F" key isn't functioning as well as it's supposed to so forgive me for the typos.))

Umm...Well this takes place right after Henrietta is rescued. She's immediately put into SWA hands and physically converted. However, the main part of the story lies in the conditioning process and what Henrietta has to do. I used influences from the GC Game Geist, The Matrix, NightMare Academy from the Veritas Project (Great read), my life, and of course some reference from the manga and anime. It's not finished but here's what I have.

Notes:

I know it's agent Jean but I think I might use this for school...So to make it more Italian I used the Italian term instead.

I know that Gisuppe and Ferro named Henrietta when she was in the Recovery room but for purposes I had to change it a bit to accommodate the Conditioning process.

Amico & Amica is a translation or Brother & Sister.




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Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

“This girl is in dire need of your assistance…A charitable organization such as the Social Welfare Agency couldn’t have come at a better time. She was found in Roma, assaulted and badly beaten, right next to the bodies of her family. She couldn’t be more than 8 years old...She says...She wants to kill herself.” The doctor looked into the operating room then looked at the two men standing before him. The girl lay on gurney clothed in a hospital gown. Her long brunette was badly frayed and knotted, her frail body bruised. “Doctor I assure you that she will be in good hands. We will arrange for her to be transported to our medical facilities…That is if she is stable as of now.” said the blond man, who identified himself as Agent Gian, the two serious looking SWA agents looked like brothers. “Yes of course.” The doctor replied, “Uh…When will the transport arrive Agent Gian?” Both agents already had their backs turned, heading to the exit. “It’s already here.”

The Social Welfare Agency is the Italian Government’s pet project solely dedicated to the welfare of the public. The SWA has a small but significant history, changing the lives of those impaired, disabled, or…In this case severely traumatized. However the SWA bent the truth on the Italian government’s financial report. The organization does look out for the general Italian public, and it does change lives. However it is merely a front to an Anti-terrorist organization using the lives that they changed to take other lives. As the saying goes, Italians are sentimental about death…

“Gian, does it really have to be a kid?” the brother looked into the SWA’s operating room. “Gisuppe, we’ve already talked about this. The younger the subject the easier it is to condition their minds.” “Just think about the mor-“ “Morals, my brother is just a boundary. What we’ve reached here is the pinnacle of control, and we’re not going to stop here…Just take a look at her Gisuppe. She’s miserable and she wants to kill her self. We can fix her, we can make her better, we are the Social Welfare Agency and we’re doing our job. It’s the taxpayer Euros at work.” Gian glanced at his brother sitting in his chair facing the operating room. Gisuppe was similar to Gian; tall and slightly built, masculine face, fair skin and professionally well dressed. However Gisuppe had black hair instead of the blonde hair his older brother has, and perhaps his mindset too. Gisuppe peered into the operating room, the OR technicians were removing “Compromised body parts” while Gisuppe labeled it as “Slaughter”. Despite the fact that she was already beautiful the OR techs decided to remodel her face anyways. As her face took form, she assumed the likeness of his late sister. Gisuppe sighed “Enrica...”

“Agent Gisuppe I know you can hear me.” Said Dr. Bianchi one of the head OR techs. “Yes Bianchi, I can hear you.” “Well, I’d like you to know, that were beginning phase two of the conversion. Go into the auxiliary recovery room and answer Ferro’s questions. After when you’re done we can begin phase three.” “Thanks doc.” “No problem.” Gisuppe headed for the door slowly, he couldn’t decide if it was fatigue or if it was just the fact that an eight-year-old girl was being chopped up and put together with biomechanical parts. Yet he kept pace through the SWAs long corridors, occasionally observing the calm scenery of Sicilian waters provided by paintings. It was a far cry from what he’d seen behind some of these walls. He came around the corner, finally reaching the Auxiliary recovery room. A woman in her early thirties was at a computer desk sipping some coffee. She had short jet-black hair, angled face, with a dab of make up here and there. She had an air of professionalism. “Boungiorno Gisuppe! How’s our little patient?” “Well, you tell me. This is the first time to see an eight year old fitted with a biomechanical body.” He pulled up a chair right next to the computer. Upon entering the room was completely dark, lit only by the computer and the other room separated by an observational two-way window. He could see that the room was narrow, about seven meters long with a width of 5 meters wide. Inside it was cold to nature, the interior was a bleak gray and on the right was a white-linen bed, opposite of the door. The windowsill was closed, draped by soft white fabric with a red rose on the sill. It was such a macabre contrast. “Gisuppe?” she called his attention, Gisuppe focused on the next task. “Okay, basically we’re going to install…components into her mind. Though not yet, that is after when you finish your preference and settings questionnaire.” Gisuppe nodded and went with the flow “Alright. What weapon are you going to train her with…Her primary?” “Fabrique de Nationale Herstal Projecto Novanta.” “You know you could just say P-90.” She glared at the screen still smiling; she didn’t care that her humor seemed misplaced with Gisuppe today. “Uh…Secondary?” “Sig Sauer P239.” “Precision weapon?” “Walther WA 2000.” Gisuppe had just armed a little girl, it took didn’t take much time for that to sink in. “Alright now, we’re doing specialties…Skills like marksmanship you know?” Gisuppe sat back in the chair, biding his time. “Cetacean intelligence. The ability to learn quickly.” The keyboard made its trade mark pack~pack~tap~pack sound, which echoed in the room. Ferro was typing it into the program, “Almost done…A name?” “Enri…” Gisuppe paused for a moment, “Enri…etta. Henrietta...”

“Beautiful name, alright I’ll send this to Dr. Bianchi to work his magic. You can head back to the Observation room now.” She said it with a smile; after all the SWA was getting a new ‘employee’ or it could be that she’s just a morning person. “It’s really hard to tell when people wear business suits.” Gisuppe thought. Gisuppe made for the door; he began to close it until Ferro stopped him. “Wait for me Gisuppe!” She shut off the computer and took her purse with her. “After you.” He said flatly “Millie Grazie.” She said with contrast. The walk to the Operating Room Observation area was shorter, probably because Gisuppe was kind of excited to see the ‘Conditioning’ process. “Gisuppe?” Ferro asked “Do you have a shorter name? Gisuppe is kinda long.” “Joze.” He replied. Reaching the Observation room, being the gentleman he is, he opened the door for Ferro. “Grazie” she said, however he was focused on what lie beyond the observation glass. “Welcome Ferro, likewise Gisuppe. We’re beginning the ‘Conditioning process’, we’ve already uploaded your information into the machine, we just need to get it in her.” At the moment he finished the sentence a grotesque machine looking like a high tech instrument of torture, was lowered from the ceiling. “As you can see we’ve already hooked up the wires to the skull area to receive information and as well as put it in her.” The OR techs propped open her eyes. Her eyes were focused on the ceiling, as if her mind was blank. “Reminds me of laser eye surgery…” Ferro attempted a joke but this was no laughing matter. One nurse put artificial teardrops in her eye. Gisuppe couldn’t help but notice, a single tear drop rolled from her eyes, he kept wondering if that was artificial…Or the real thing. The nurse placed virtual reality like goggles over the young patient. Another OR tech put high-tech looking earphones on her. She was now ready for the process. “Gisuppe, this is gonna take an hour. You can stay and watch but it gets boring.” Gisuppe watched Dr. Bianchi stroll over to a computer attached to the machine. Then Gian’s comment popped into Gisuppe’s head; “We can fix her…”

“Dr. Bianchi?” Gisuppe raised his voice so he could be heard over the intercom. “Yes?” Dr. Bianchi was injecting some sort of serum into Henrietta’s blood stream as he stood over her. “What are you injecting?” Gisuppe asked “Well, it’s the opposite of the truth serum. It’s a serum that makes you believe anything…It’s amazing what you can accomplish these days…”

It was quiet especially for Roma, there were no moving cars and absolutely no people. She examined the area, recognizing several landmarks that marked her home. She was home…She ran up the steps; “Mamma? Papa?” she cried ecstatically. Her apartment door was open. All the furniture was there, but no one was home.

Dr. Bianchi was at the computer, monitoring Henrietta’s data and inputting data into her. With this computer he could pan and zoom to his heart’s content and view Henrietta’s virtual body monitoring her actions. She now stood in the empty apartment, looking around for anybody. He really hated this part, his patients always ended up feeling alone. This was necessary though he kept saying to himself; he had to erase her memories. After all she was suicidal…It was for her own good.

She slumped onto the carpet, weeping tears. She looked up as if she were hoping for some kind of divine intervention. Her world began to fade into black, she screamed but there was no sound. It felt like she was falling, and now she was beginning to weaken her mind was turning, spinning. With her last ounce of strength, she whimpered “Mamma…Papa…Amico…Amica…I love you…”

She awakened “I’m scared…So scared. I don’t know where I am, it’s so dark in here...I can’t see…” the world sprang to life in forms of blurry blocks, to pixels, then to clear vision. Her world was a space of an empty white void. Suddenly a voice from nowhere, “Everything is fine…In fact, everything is perfect…” a soothing feminine voice came from nowhere and echoed. Suddenly the world went from blank white to a calm garden, with lush meadows, blue skies, trees…Beauty in its most natural form. Henrietta stood in the grass, wearing a blue cardigan, white blouse, a red lace tie, blue skirt, white laced socks and black shoes. She could see rabbits near a tree root playing with one another. “You have ascended to something greater than what you were Henrietta.”

Henrietta’s eyes darted from left to right taking in the information, “I…I am Henrietta.” She said faintly. She suddenly realized that something was there that wasn’t there before...

((CRITIQUE DESIRED.))

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by ElfenMagix on Thu 17 Jul 2008 - 13:56

Go back to the anime.
As shown, any girl going through the conditioning process, does so laying down in bed with her eyes open. Why is this so?

Nueral reprogramming and memory setting is as the doctor said about Petra, like Hypnotism. This can be done chemically to induce a coma like state and the programming can begin, starting from memory erasing to conditioing of the handler's acceptance to with the second gen- advanced prgramming.

The handler is introduced last, even though he had choosen her to be his girl. The name is also installed last (as with the first gen girls, not so with the second gen). With the first gen girls, the handlers are to teach them everything as the girls are given to them in a near tabula raza state (not true with Rico or Triela however).

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by sasahara17 on Thu 17 Jul 2008 - 19:58

Well, my first critique is that I had a hard time reading this. I had to move it to a wordpad document and break it up a little before I could read it.

In any case, the concept you have here, while unorthodox, I feel is a novel one. The whole VR approach and 'twisted world view' is really something vovel, and I personally can't wait to see where you plan to go with this I'd reccomended focising more on this unique form of 'conditioning' but I think you're alrady doing that.

One nitpick is when Jose declared Henrietta was unsing a WA 2000. It's an expensive gun, and a very hard weapon to acquire. Ferro whould have acted a but more awed about Jose's choice weaponry, but that's just me.

Other than that, make it more legible, look out ofr speeling mistakes, etc... Good job man.

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by ElfenMagix on Thu 17 Jul 2008 - 22:27

Review Season 1, Episode 5- Promessa.
It shows Claes undergoing Reprogramming and Conditioning twice...
No VR is used or any of the other things mentioned. Since Claes is newer than Henrietta, Henrietta would not have gone through all this as well.

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by sasahara17 on Thu 17 Jul 2008 - 22:54

Err, fanfiction?

As the resident idea guy, I feel it is my solemn duty to argue in favor of every possible plot notion or good idea, no matter how ridiculor fanfical or anti-canon it may be, or at least give it the benefit of the doubt. We could have Jean running around in a tutu and singing the 'Ave Maria' while doing a lapdance on Ferro (yes, that's JEAN on FERRO, and not Ferro on Jean), so a different take on conditioning is nothing that serious.

Sometimes, a little liberties must be taken in the name of a good story, and Farbanti's version of conditioning is interesting enough I'd be willing to read more of it. The Henrietta POV on her conditioning does seem to be an area we haven't gone before.

EDIT - apologise for the disturbing secen, but I'd just like to illustrate the most extreme case of a bad idea I could possibly think off.

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by ElfenMagix on Thu 17 Jul 2008 - 23:27

Fanfiction is based on canon. If canon characters are used then canon material will be used for them, especially when it involves their history. Everything else is speculation. Sorry, but that the way I am. (I'm talking about the whole programming/condition process being done here.)

Its a good story otherwise. Shows a lot of imagination and work put into it.

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by Guest on Thu 17 Jul 2008 - 23:48

ElfenMagix wrote:
The handler is introduced last, even though he had choosen her to be his girl. The name is also installed last (as with the first gen girls, not so with the second gen). With the first gen girls, the handlers are to teach them everything as the girls are given to them in a near tabula raza state (not true with Rico or Triela however).

Yeah...I had to twist it a bit...I dunno if I should turn back now butHenrietta wasn't introduced to Gisuppe yet, in my story that is. I couldn't find anyother fan fic that has the conditioning covered from the girls point of view. As I mentioned in the notes I did realize that I put in her name first instead of when Ferro, Henrietta, and Gisuppe were in the Recovery room. I had to twist it to accomodate my ideas on the Conditioning Process.

Well, my first critique is that I had a hard time reading this. I had
to move it to a wordpad document and break it up a little before I
could read it.

Umm...Would you suggest a bigger font? Bolding? I used a word doc and I copied and pasted from there into the forum. I was...Kinda lazy to use a file sharing site.

One nitpick is when Jose declared Henrietta was unsing a WA 2000.
It's an expensive gun, and a very hard weapon to acquire. Ferro whould
have acted a but more awed about Jose's choice weaponry, but that's
just me.

I saw Henrietta use the Walter WA 2000 in the anime, I figured that I could at least stay true to the weapons Henrietta uses. Great now I just remembered that she uses some other weapon in the manga. >.<


As shown, any girl going through the conditioning process, does so laying down in bed with her eyes open. Why is this so?

I had to accomodate for the VR Conditioning process that I dreamed up...They had to prop her eyes open, like laser eye surgery. Probably I should add some text to clarify that in the story.

Edit: Umm...I also used influences such as the 6th Day. Also, I need some ideas on what should be seen in the conditioning process. I was thinking it could be like the matrix, with a twist of macrabe in there. As I've said I've used the GC Game Geist as an example...I used some of the text when the Canon character (Ramie) was being brain washed by the Volks Corp. I'm trying to give the impression that the tasks that Henrietta does thought the process erases the innocence and the child like nature of Henrietta. However I wouldn't want to over exceed that goal. I need some ideas on the traning that Henrietta needs to go through and how to give it that macrabe (<--Yes, I enjoy using that word) feel. I think that with all of the torment/ training Henrietta has to go though, it will create dependence on her handler the first human she will see after the whole process (<--When she is actually awake. Not counting the doctors. Which is why I think they, the SWA, uses the observational recovery room with the bleak setting and the mirrored windows.) Anyways, I'm bound to encounter resistace since I'm supposed to say true to the Cannon time line. So fire away ^^

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by Guest on Sun 20 Jul 2008 - 13:34

Her eyes darted from left to right taking in the information, processing it, “I…I am Henrietta.” She said faintly. She suddenly realized that something was there that wasn’t there before...

Of what was once a forest tree line there now stood a Victorian mansion of a great scale. Gargoyles hung from the high terraces as if to watch every move, tall spiraling steeples stood guard over the lot, heavy mahogany doors held their ground as if they were cemented in place, the interior could not be seen since all the windows had white curtains as if to hide something from prying eyes. The air of Henrietta’s environment had changed from a lush calm garden, to turbulent skies and a threatening atmosphere. Rain began to fall on her cheeks and she rushed toward the mansion, running up the marble steps. Surprisingly the heavy mahogany doors moved with ease, and to her surprise it was empty. The mansion was nothing more than an empty shell, and as vast as an empty warehouse. The windows were placed where there would have been rooms or common areas. The floor was concrete and bare, there were no walls separating any space. It was just so bleak and empty, so sad and depressing. The mahogany doors were still open, but the garden was still there. From where Henrietta stood, she could see that the garden wasn’t even wet and that there were no signs of rain or precipitation. She decided that it would be better to stand outside of the mansion than rather stay in a bleak and depressing atmosphere. Walking closer to the doors it started to rain and pour drenching the garden. The decision couldn’t be made; which place was more depressing? Confused, Henrietta ran back to the end of the mansion, she was now enveloped in darkness while the mahogany doors looked like the gates of Heaven. Such contrast but such similarity, both sides had their dark side and light side. She now huddled in a corner, trapped like an animal. Tears streaming down her face soaking her already wet blouse.

Gisuppe sat back, slouching and leaning back in the plastic chair. It was indeed boring; since they’ve started Henrietta’s body hasn’t moved a single centimeter. He sat up; he peered at Dr. Bianchi who was nearly out of his line of sight. He could only see his head and the computer station that he was staring at. Gisuppe now stood up, getting some coffee provided at a table on his left. From there he could now see the screen that Dr. Bianchi was looking at. Dr. Bianchi was panning and viewing on the poor girl who was crying in the corner. He pulled up a window on the computer, typing something in, after that he clicked send. Gisuppe leaned against the glass looking at the Henrietta buried at the head with all the grotesque machinery.

Henrietta wiped her tears with her blouse sleeve…Only to find that it wasn’t there. She was now unclothed in a bare room that was bleak, gray, and depressing. It was so bare, and so mere. There was a floor, a bed, a full body mirror, and a window laced with white curtains. Henrietta’s bare feet touched the cold concrete floor. Making her way to the bed, she sat down. She found her self hoping to find some comfort in this bleak atmosphere. It was hard when she lay down; it was as cold and hard as the floor. She got up and looked at the mirror, but it was distorted. Walking aimlessly toward the window, she opened the curtains. A red brick wall blocked whatever view there was. She was too tired to cry, and too confused to even try searching for anything. Oddly enough, there was no door to this depressing room. She shut the curtains in defeat, despite the fact that a gray light show itself through. As if to see the light for the last time she looked back at the window. The mirror caught her eye, it was not blurred and distorted like the first time she saw it. The reflection told a different story of the room, there was a natural yellow light shining through out the room. The bed was made with expensive white linens, the floor was carpeted in immaculate white, and the window was open and in the wind the curtains blew free. She turned back in confusion; the room now looked the way it did in the mirror. Henrietta was now fully clothed, except she wore Black blouse, a red skirt, black socks, white shoes, a red cardigan, and now a blue lace instead of red…

“Dr. Bianchi?” Gisuppe weakly said, “Dr. Bianchi?” He raised his voice so he could be heard over the intercom. “Yes?” asked the doctor. “I was wondering if I may watch with you? …Whatever you’re watching down there.” Gisuppe tried his best not to sound curious, since that was his way, but he just couldn’t help it. “Sure, come on in.” the doctor didn’t move from his seat, still staring at the screen clinking away at tool bars and the view screen. Gisuppe entered the operating room through the door that connected the two rooms. Inside it reeked like a hospital, it smelled like chemical sanitizers, cleaners, and a hint of some hemoglobin wafting in the air. Being careful, and trying to interfere with the machines, Gisuppe pulled up a chair on the left of Dr. Bianchi. “May I ask what is it you are doing to her doctor? I-I mean I know that’s she’s going through the conditioning process…but what are you actually doing?” Gisuppe kept his eyes focused on the screen but he also noted the doctor’s actions on the computer. “Well…To put it bluntly Gisuppe, I’m breaking her spirit.” He winced as he said that, but it was the only way that he could describe it. Gisuppe watched the girl look at her reflection in the mirror. “…May I doctor?” Gisuppe asked if he could have a chance at the camera controls. “Sure I guess, just don’t touch anything else.” By the time the doctor finished his sentence Gisuppe already had his hands on the control. With the way he moved the camera around, it was like he was a ghost in the room, haunting the girl. “Umm…I you don’t mind I need the controls back now.” Gisuppe let go, allowing the doctor to overtake him. “So what do you achieve by breaking the girl’s spirit?” Gisuppe asked, as the doctor replied he winced again “We get control.”

Henrietta was confused more than ever; with the way things are now. Her clothes, upon looking at the mirror, had changed into their color negatives. She looked around the room in suspicion. It was the same but brighter and cheerier except in this one, there was a plain white door just opposite of the window. Excited, she opened the door. It was a well-furnished mansion hallway, adorned with white carpets, expensive looking paintings and the occasional statues that graced the hall. To her left, was a hall that ran 10 meters before turning off to the right. To her right there was a dead end wall, with a statue of some person of the noble status. Turning and walking down to the left, she made her way to the turn. There was now a low rumble that ran the halls, one that was barely audible. Henrietta turned to look back but there was no one there, satisfied that she wasn’t followed she continued walking.

There was a painting here, a statue there, and the occasional window looking to the outside. If she were correct, she would be on the third floor of the mansion, just right under the tallest steeple. She was now bored, and she’s been walking for about ten minutes already. There was no door yet to be seen, just statues and paintings. She breezed past them, but one of the paintings caught her eye. It was herself following some man, carrying a violin case. She didn’t even know this man, dark haired, tall, slightly built and a masculine face. A bit wierded out, she moved at a quickened pace. Now, to her horror she found more paintings of herself, except now she was killing people. She now ran, there was one where she was mowing down people with a machine gun, there was another with herself killing a man with her bare hands, another then another. Each painting now lined the halls one after the other, frame now touching frame. Each painting gruesome, gory, and macabre. There were no windows now, neither were there any statues, but there were only paintings of the macabre genre featuring herself. There was now a turn in the hallway, she decided to take it. It lead to down several meters then there was a turn to the right. She now ran the hallway; there was no break in the paintings. Each one of them haunted her; she tried to avoid glancing at them. Somehow it was like they got through to her. She made the turn, and she started back from where she came. It was not logical. There were no turns except the three that she took; two of them left then one right. She clearly recalls turning from the door to the left, then walking for about 15 minutes then again taking the turn, which was also to the left. It was not possible; she only took two lefts and one right. Now, she’s already back when she started. Then she remembered, there was a wall from where she now stood. There used to be a statue but now it was gone, she performed an about face. The hall way was only 16 meters long then turned left, impossible. The paintings were now gone, and there were stairs at the opposite end of the hall just where a dead end used to be.

Tell me how you feel about the way the story is going. I know that it sound like I'm torturing Henrietta but I'm getting to the end of that soon*.I'm more focused on the way how the story is written instead of the canon time line etc. The reason being that I know I'm going to use this in the future for my Honors Literature class and I highly doubt my Lit teacher will know what GSG is. So...I'd like to ask that the critique be more focused on grammar^, the way how I describe detail, and the current story plot.

Millie Grazie.
Farbanti Erusia Time to Sleep

^: I know it's not indented. That's the way how this forum rolls. I'm to tired to physically indent every singel one.
*: I think.

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by sasahara17 on Sun 20 Jul 2008 - 19:11

Once again, I'm having a hard time reading it. Just checking, does it show all bunched up on your PC, or is it just me?

If it is;

Crap in the hat... what is up with my PC these days?

If it isn't just me;

I'd reccomend taking some time to review your post and making it easier to read, mainly by editing it to have appropriate line spacing.

It's like marketing; if the author can't find the time to make it ledgible, nobody will read it and go elsewhere (and hence you will die a natural death). Just spend ten minutes (more if you're like me and are trying to make things look perfect) pressing the 'Return'/'Enter' key at the appropriate places.

Nothing is more painful than reading an wall of text. Ask Wileama, I asked him to do it once (20,000+ word draft) and he had a 'fun' time doing it.

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by Nachtsider on Sun 20 Jul 2008 - 20:26

One nitpick is when Jose declared Henrietta was unsing a WA 2000. It's an expensive gun, and a very hard weapon to acquire. Ferro whould have acted a but more awed about Jose's choice weaponry, but that's just me.
Dude, you kidding? This is Ferro we're talking about here - the SWA's Iron Lady. Nothing fazes her.

I saw Henrietta use the Walter WA 2000 in the anime, I figured that I could at least stay true to the weapons Henrietta uses. Great now I just remembered that she uses some other weapon in the manga.
Again, I don't think the manga and anime should be regarded as seperate entities. What I advise is that you regard Henrietta as being a user of every weapon she's seen with in both the anime and manga.

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by Danjo3 on Sun 20 Jul 2008 - 21:29

I have to echo sasahara’s thoughts. This is a very difficult read.

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by ElfenMagix on Sun 20 Jul 2008 - 22:58

Nachtsider wrote:
One nitpick is when Jose declared Henrietta was unsing a WA 2000. It's an expensive gun, and a very hard weapon to acquire. Ferro whould have acted a but more awed about Jose's choice weaponry, but that's just me.
Dude, you kidding? This is Ferro we're talking about here - the SWA's Iron Lady. Nothing fazes her.
Not even the fact that in one certain fanfict, when she goes to wake up a certain operative from his sleep in the dorms, that he might be nude under the blanket...

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by Sakura on Sun 20 Jul 2008 - 23:34

Farbanti wrote:

Well, my first critique is that I had a hard time reading this. I had
to move it to a wordpad document and break it up a little before I
could read it.

Umm...Would you suggest a bigger font? Bolding? I used a word doc and I copied and pasted from there into the forum. I was...Kinda lazy to use a file sharing site.

It's not the issue of bigger fonts or bolding it. Writing fanfiction in large paragraphs is very difficult to read and can turn readers away. As sasahara has mentioned already, try breaking up the paragraphs ito smaller parts into a few sentences each.

For example (using your first paragraph), instead of this:

“This girl is in dire need of your assistance…A charitableorganization such as the Social Welfare Agency couldn’t have come at a better time. She was found in Roma, assaulted and badly beaten, right next to the bodies of her family. She couldn’t be more than 8 years old...She says...She wants to kill herself.” The doctor looked into the operating room then looked at the two men standing before him. The girl lay on gurney clothed in a hospital gown. Her long brunette was badly frayed and knotted, her frail body bruised. “Doctor I assure you that she will be in good hands. We will arrange for her to be transported to our medical facilities…That is if she is stable as of now.” said the blond man, who identified himself as Agent Gian, the two serious looking SWA agents looked like brothers. “Yes of course.” The doctor replied, “Uh…When will the transport arrive Agent Gian?” Both agents already had their backs turned, heading to the exit. “It’s already here.”


Try this:

“This girl is in dire need of your assistance…A charitable organization such as the Social Welfare Agency couldn’t have come at a better time. She was found in Roma, assaulted and badly beaten, right next to the bodies of her family. She couldn’t be more than 8 years old...She says...She wants to kill herself.”

The doctor looked into the operating room then looked at the two men standing before him. The girl lay on gurney clothed in a hospital gown. Her long brunette was badly frayed and knotted, her frail body bruised.

“Doctor I assure you that she will be in good hands. We will arrange for her to be transported to our medical facilities…That is if she is stable as of now.” said the blond man, who identified himself as Agent Gian, the two serious looking SWA agents looked like brothers.

“Yes of course.” The doctor replied, “Uh…When will the transport arrive Agent Gian?”

Both agents already had their backs turned, heading to the exit.

“It’s already here.”



Doesn't this seem easier on the eyes? If you can, spend the minutes to go back and chop up your large paragraphs. The readers will appreciate it more. Wink

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by Guest on Mon 21 Jul 2008 - 0:22

Edit: I chopped it up. I'm kinda conscious now I think their kinda blocky. However, I chopped it off and separated at points where it would be acceptable. I'm sorry that it was hard or you all to read, I have the same issue with my hand writing XD. I'm more of the novel type and I've always lived by the guidelines set my my teachers. Also, I've been reading some novels lately, I think I just wanted to imitate the writing style of Frank Peretti. Anyhow, I appreciate you all for critiquing my work, hopefully more to come. Also I typed in this preview like thing to put on the very first page of my publication. I just want to ask how do you like it?
========================================================================
"The World Has Forsaken Them...
The Agency Took Them In...
The World Has Destroyed Them...
The Agency Taught Them How To Destroy...
The World Had Loved Them...
Love, was the only thing that the Agency could never give..."

Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

“This girl is in dire need of your assistance…A charitable organization such as the Social Welfare Agency couldn’t have come at a better time. She was found in Roma, assaulted and badly beaten, right next to the bodies of her family. She couldn’t be more than 8 years old...She says...She wants to kill herself.” The doctor looked into the operating room then looked at the two men standing before him.

The girl lay on gurney clothed in a hospital gown. Her long brunette was badly frayed and knotted, her frail body bruised. “Doctor I assure you that she will be in good hands. We will arrange for her to be transported to our medical facility…That is if she is stable as of now.” said the blond man, who identified himself as Agent Gian, the two serious looking SWA agents looked like brothers. “Yes of course.” The doctor replied, “Uh…When will the transport arrive Agent Gian?” Both agents already had their backs turned, heading to the exit. “It’s already here.”

The Social Welfare Agency is the Italian Government’s pet project solely dedicated to the welfare of the public. The SWA has a small but significant history, changing the lives of those impaired, disabled, or…In this case severely traumatized. However the SWA bent the truth on the Italian government’s financial report. The organization does look out for the general Italian public, and it does change lives. However it is merely a front to an Anti-terrorist organization using the lives that they changed to take other lives. As the saying goes, Italians are sentimental about death…

“Gian, does it really have to be a kid?” the brother looked into the SWA’s operating room. “Gisuppe, we’ve already talked about this. The younger the subject the easier it is to condition their minds.” “Just think about the mor-“ “Morals, my brother is just a boundary. What we’ve reached here is the pinnacle of control, and we’re not going to stop here…Just take a look at her Gisuppe. She’s miserable and she wants to kill her self. We can fix her, we can make her better, we are the Social Welfare Agency and we’re doing our job. It’s the taxpayer Euros at work.” Gian glanced at his brother sitting in his chair facing the operating room.

Gisuppe was similar to Gian; tall and slightly built, masculine face, fair skin and professionally well dressed. However Gisuppe had black hair instead of the blonde hair his older brother has, and perhaps his mindset too. Gisuppe peered into the operating room, the OR technicians were removing “Compromised body parts” while Gisuppe labeled it as “Slaughter”. Despite the fact that she was already beautiful the OR techs decided to remodel her face anyways. As her face took form, she assumed the likeness of his late sister. Gisuppe sighed “Enrica...”

“Agent Gisuppe I know you can hear me.” Said Dr. Bianchi one of the head OR techs. “Yes Bianchi, I can hear you.” “Well, I’d like you to know, that were beginning phase two of the conversion. Go into the auxiliary recovery room and answer Ferro’s questions. After when you’re done we can begin phase three.” “Thanks doc.” “No problem.” Gisuppe headed for the door slowly, he couldn’t decide if it was fatigue or if it was just the fact that an eight-year-old girl was being chopped up and put together with biomechanical parts. Yet he kept pace through the SWAs long corridors, occasionally observing the calm scenery of Sicilian waters provided by paintings. It was a far cry from what he’d seen behind some of these walls.

He came around the corner, finally reaching the Auxiliary recovery room. A woman in her early thirties was at a computer desk sipping some coffee. She had short jet-black hair, angled face, with a dab of make up here and there. She had an air of professionalism. “Boungiorno Gisuppe! How’s our little patient?” “Well, you tell me. This is the first time to see an eight year old fitted with a biomechanical body.” He pulled up a chair right next to the computer.

Upon entering the room was completely dark, lit only by the computer and the other room separated by an observational two-way window. He could see that the room was narrow, about seven meters long with a width of 5 meters wide. Inside it was cold to nature, the interior was a bleak gray and on the right was a white-linen bed, opposite of the door. The windowsill was closed, draped by soft white fabric with a red rose on the sill. It was such a macabre contrast.

“Gisuppe?” she called his attention, Gisuppe focused on the next task. “Okay, basically we’re going to install…components into her mind. Though not yet, that is after when you finish your preference and settings questionnaire.” Gisuppe nodded and went with the flow “Alright. What weapon are you going to train her with…Her primary?” “Fabrique de Nationale Herstal Projecto Novanta.” “You know you could just say P-90.” She glared at the screen still smiling; she didn’t care that her humor seemed misplaced with Gisuppe today. “Uh…Secondary?” “Sig Sauer P239.” “Precision weapon?” “Walther WA 2000.” Gisuppe had just armed a little girl, it took didn’t take much time for that to sink in, little did he know Ferro scoffed at the fact that he decided to use a Walther WA 2000. “Alright now, we’re doing specialties…Skills like marksmanship you know, and with a sniper rifle like that it won’t be a problem.” Gisuppe sat back in the chair, biding his time. “Cetacean intelligence. The ability to learn quickly.” The keyboard made its trade mark pack~pack~tap~pack sound, which echoed in the room. Ferro was typing it into the program, “Almost done…A name?” “Enri…” Gisuppe paused for a moment, “Enri…etta. Henrietta...”

“Beautiful name, alright I’ll send this to Dr. Bianchi to work his magic. You can head back to the Observation room now.” She said it with a smile; after all the SWA was getting a new ‘employee’ or it could be that she’s just a morning person. “It’s really hard to tell when people wear business suits.” Gisuppe thought. Gisuppe made for the door; he began to close it until Ferro stopped him. “Wait for me Gisuppe!” She shut off the computer and took her purse with her. “After you.” He said flatly “Millie Grazie.” She said with contrast.

The walk to the Operating Room Observation area was shorter, probably because Gisuppe was kind of excited to see the ‘Conditioning’ process. “Gisuppe?” Ferro asked, “Do you have a shorter name? Gisuppe is kinda long.” “Joze.” He replied. Reaching the Observation room, being the gentleman he is, he opened the door for Ferro. “Grazie” she said, however he was focused on what lie beyond the observation glass. “Welcome Ferro, likewise Gisuppe. We’re beginning the ‘Conditioning process’, we’ve already uploaded your information into the machine, we just need to get it in her.” At the moment he finished the sentence a grotesque machine looking like a high tech instrument of torture, was lowered from the ceiling.

“As you can see we’ve already hooked up the wires to the skull area to receive information and as well as put it in her.” The OR techs propped open her eyes with two clips. Her eyes gazed unfocused on the ceiling, as if her mind was blank. “Reminds me of laser eye surgery…” Ferro attempted a joke but this was no laughing matter. One nurse put artificial teardrops in her eye to keep them moist. Gisuppe couldn’t help but notice, a single tear drop rolled from one of her eyes, he kept wondering if that was artificial…Or the real thing. The nurse placed virtual reality like goggles over the young patient. Another OR tech put high-tech looking earphones on her head. She was now ready for the process. “Gisuppe, this is gonna take an hour. You can stay and watch but it gets boring.” Gisuppe watched Dr. Bianchi stroll over to a computer attached to the machine. Then Gian’s comment popped into Gisuppe’s head; “We can fix her…”

“Dr. Bianchi?” Gisuppe raised his voice so he could be heard over the intercom. “Yes?” Dr. Bianchi was injecting some sort of serum into Henrietta’s blood stream as he stood over her. “What are you injecting?” Gisuppe asked “Well, it’s the opposite of the truth serum. It’s a serum that makes you believe anything…It’s amazing what you can accomplish these days…”

It was quiet especially for Roma, there were no moving cars and absolutely no people. She examined the area, recognizing several landmarks that marked her home. She was home…She ran up the steps; “Mamma? Papa?” she cried ecstatically. Her apartment door was open. All the furniture was there, but no one was home.

Dr. Bianchi was at the computer, monitoring Henrietta’s data and inputting data into her. With this computer he could pan and zoom to his hearts content and view Henrietta’s virtual body monitoring her actions. She now stood in the empty apartment, looking around for anybody. He really hated this part, his patients always ended up feeling alone. This was necessary though he kept saying to himself; he had to erase her memories. The only way he can do that is by getting the subject to show the correct RNA sequencing, the RNA sequencing that was the key to her memory. After all she was suicidal…It was for her own good.


She slumped onto the carpet, weeping tears. She looked up as if she were hoping for some kind of divine intervention. Her world began to fade into black, she screamed but there was a horrible pixilated screeching sound. It felt like she was free falling, and now she was beginning to weaken her mind was turning, spinning, numbing. With her last ounce of strength, she whimpered “Mamma…Papa…Amico…Amica…I love you…”

Awakened, only to find herself blind she cried out “I’m scared…So scared. I don’t know where I am, it’s so dark in here...I can’t see…” the world sprang to life in forms of blurry blocks, to pixels, then to clear vision. Her world was a space of an empty white void. Suddenly a voice from nowhere, “Everything is fine…In fact, everything is perfect…” a soothing feminine voice came from nowhere and echoed. Suddenly the world went from blank white to a calm garden, with lush meadows, blue skies, trees…Beauty in its most natural form. The girl stood in the grass, wearing a blue cardigan, white blouse, a red lace tie, blue skirt, white laced socks and black shoes. She could see rabbits near a tree root playing with one another. “You have ascended to something greater than what you were Henrietta.”

Her eyes darted from left to right taking in the information, processing it, “I…I am Henrietta.” She said faintly. She suddenly realized that something was there that wasn’t there before...

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by Guest on Mon 21 Jul 2008 - 0:45

Of what was once a forest tree line there now stood a Victorian mansion of a great scale. Gargoyles hung from the high terraces as if to watch every move, tall spiraling steeples stood guard over the lot, heavy mahogany doors held their ground as if they were cemented in place, the interior could not be seen since all the windows had white curtains as if to hide something from prying eyes. The air of Henrietta’s environment had changed from a lush calm garden, to turbulent skies and a threatening atmosphere.

Rain began to fall on her cheeks and she rushed toward the mansion, running up the marble steps. Surprisingly the heavy mahogany doors moved with ease, and to her surprise it was empty. The mansion was nothing more than an empty shell, and as vast as an empty warehouse. The windows were placed where there would have been rooms or common areas. The floor was concrete and bare, there were no walls separating any space. It was just so bleak and empty, so sad and depressing. The mahogany doors were still open, but the garden was still there. From where Henrietta stood, she could see that the garden wasn’t even wet and that there were no signs of rain or precipitation. She decided that it would be better to stand outside of the mansion than rather stay in a bleak and depressing atmosphere.

Walking closer to the doors it started to rain and pour drenching the garden. The decision couldn’t be made; which place was more depressing? Confused, Henrietta ran back to the end of the mansion, she was now enveloped in darkness while the mahogany doors looked like the gates of Heaven. Such contrast but such similarity, both sides had their dark side and light side. She now huddled in a corner, trapped like an animal. Tears streaming down her face soaking her already wet blouse.

Gisuppe sat back, slouching and leaning back in the plastic chair. It was indeed boring; since they’ve started Henrietta’s body hasn’t moved a single centimeter. He sat up; he peered at Dr. Bianchi who was nearly out of his line of sight. He could only see his head and the computer station that he was staring at. Gisuppe now stood up, getting some coffee provided at a table on his left. From there he could now see the screen that Dr. Bianchi was looking at. Dr. Bianchi was panning and viewing on the poor girl who was crying in the corner. He pulled up a window on the computer, typing something in, after that he clicked send. Gisuppe leaned against the glass looking at the Henrietta buried at the head with all the grotesque machinery.

Henrietta wiped her tears with her blouse sleeve…Only to find that it wasn’t there. She was now unclothed in a bare room that was bleak, gray, and depressing. It was so bare, and so mere. There was a floor, a bed, a full body mirror, and a window laced with white curtains. Henrietta’s bare feet touched the cold concrete floor. Making her way to the bed, she sat down. She found her self-hoping to find some comfort in this bleak atmosphere. It was hard when she lay down; it was as cold and hard as the floor. She got up and looked at the mirror, but it was distorted. Walking aimlessly toward the window, she opened the curtains.

A red brick wall blocked whatever view there was. She was too tired to cry, and too confused to even try searching for anything. Oddly enough, there was no door to this depressing room. She shut the curtains in defeat, despite the fact that a gray light show itself through. As if to see the light for the last time she looked back at the window.

The mirror caught her eye, it was not blurred and distorted like the first time she saw it. The reflection told a different story of the room, there was a natural yellow light shining through out the room. The bed was made with expensive white linens, the floor was carpeted in immaculate white, and the window was open and in the wind the curtains blew free. She turned back in confusion; the room now looked the way it did in the mirror. Henrietta was now fully clothed, except she wore Black blouse, a red skirt, black socks, white shoes, a red cardigan, and now a blue lace instead of red…

“Dr. Bianchi?” Gisuppe weakly said, “Dr. Bianchi?” He raised his voice so he could be heard over the intercom. “Yes?” asked the doctor. “I was wondering if I may watch with you? …Whatever you’re watching down there.” Gisuppe tried his best not to sound curious, since that was his way, but he just couldn’t help it. “Sure, come on in.” the doctor didn’t move from his seat, still staring at the screen clinking away at tool bars and the view screen.

Gisuppe entered the operating room through the door that connected the two rooms. Inside it reeked like a hospital, it smelled like chemical sanitizers, cleaners, and a hint of some hemoglobin wafting in the air. Being careful, and trying to interfere with the machines, Gisuppe pulled up a chair on the left of Dr. Bianchi. “May I ask what is it you are doing to her doctor? I-I mean I know that’s she’s going through the conditioning process…but what are you actually doing?” Gisuppe kept his eyes focused on the screen but he also noted the doctor’s actions on the computer. “Well…To put it bluntly Gisuppe, I’m breaking her spirit.” He winced as he said that, but it was the only way that he could describe it.

Gisuppe watched the girl look at her reflection in the mirror. “…May I doctor?” Gisuppe asked if he could have a chance at the camera controls. “Sure I guess, just don’t touch anything else.” By the time the doctor finished his sentence Gisuppe already had his hands on the control. With the way he moved the camera around, it was like he was a ghost in the room, haunting the girl. “Umm…I you don’t mind I need the controls back now.” Gisuppe let go, allowing the doctor to overtake him. “So what do you achieve by breaking the girl’s spirit?” Gisuppe asked, as the doctor replied he winced again “We get control.”

Henrietta was confused more than ever; with the way things are now. Her clothes, upon looking at the mirror, had changed into their color negatives. She looked around the room in suspicion. It was the same but brighter and cheerier except in this one, there was a plain white door just opposite of the window.

Excited, she opened the door. It was a well-furnished mansion hallway, adorned with white carpets, expensive looking paintings and the occasional statues that graced the hall. To her left, was a hall that ran 10 meters before turning off to the right. To her right there was a dead end wall, with a statue of some person of the noble status. Turning and walking down to the left, she made her way to the turn.

There was now a low rumble that ran the halls, one that was barely audible. Henrietta turned to look back but there was no one there, satisfied that she wasn’t followed she continued walking.

There was a painting here, a statue there, and the occasional window looking to the outside. If she were correct, she would be on the third floor of the mansion, just right under the tallest steeple. She was now bored, and she’s been walking for about ten minutes already. There was no door yet to be seen, just statues and paintings. She breezed past them, but one of the paintings caught her eye. It was herself following some man, carrying a violin case. She didn’t even know this man, dark haired, tall, slightly built and a masculine face.

A bit wierded out, she moved at a quickened pace. Now, to her horror she found more paintings of herself, except now she was killing people. She now ran, there was one where she was mowing down people with a machine gun, there was another with herself killing a man with her bare hands, another then another. Each painting now lined the halls one after the other, frame now touching frame. Each painting gruesome, gory, and macabre.

There were no windows now, neither were there any statues, but there were only paintings of the macabre genre featuring herself. There was now a turn in the hallway, she decided to take it. It lead to down several meters then there was a turn to the right. She now ran the hallway; there was no break in the paintings. Each one of them haunted her; she tried to avoid glancing at them. Somehow it was like they got through to her penetrating her mind. She made the turn, and she started back from where she came.

It was not logical. There were no turns except the three that she took; two of them left then one right. She clearly recalls turning from the door to the left, then walking for about 15 minutes then again taking the turn, which was also to the left. It was not possible; she only took two lefts and one right. Now, she’s already back when she started.

Then she remembered, there was a wall from where she now stood. There used to be a statue but now it was gone, she performed an about face. The hall way was only 16 meters long then turned left, impossible. The paintings were now gone, and there were stairs at the opposite end of the hall just where a dead end used to be.

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by sasahara17 on Tue 22 Jul 2008 - 5:56

Wow, it's more ledgible now!

Thanks a bunch Farb!

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Who is that hot glasses wearing babe I wonder...
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sasahara17

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Re: Creazione: Il Viaggio Di Un Sformato Mente

Post by Guest on Tue 22 Jul 2008 - 9:14

Yay now people can actually start critiquing the story. 🆒

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